Election 2012

Announcing Reason's Chia Pet Presidential Predictor, a Bold New Political-Horticultural Experiment in Electoral Divination!

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I'm happy to announce an unprecedented politico-horticultural experiment gone mad in divining the eventual winner of a presidential election: Reason's Chia Pet Presidential Predictor™ 

It has absolutely no basis in reality—or botany—which puts it fully in the mainstream of predictive techniques that typically cost more than twice as much.

Here's the background:

Last week, Reason's DC HQ received complimentary Chia Pet kits featuring busts of Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, each emblazoned with the false legend, "Freedom of Choice."

The idea being, I assume, that you can have the head of any potential president's head covered in sprouts as long as it's of the liberal guy who supports the extra-legal use of drones, massive deficit spending, mindless prosecution of the drug war, mass deportation of immigrants, and reduced interest rates for government-sponsored student loans or of the conservative guy who supports the extra-legal use of drones, massive deficit spending, mindless prosecution of the drug war, mass deportation of immigrants, and reduced interest rates for government-sponsored student loans.

Given our libertarian sympathies and plucky DIY spirit, we repurposed an existing Chia Pet head of Abraham Lincoln into a Gary Johnson number by plastering a picture of the Libertarian Party's nominee on the front of the Railsplitter's terra cotta visage. (Why we happened to have an Abe Lincoln Chia Pet in the office is an ineresting but unrelated story that may well end up forming the plot of the next installment in the National Treasure film franchise.)

Last Friday afternoon, we (read: I) prepared the heads according to Chia's instructions and placed them in a makeshift greenhouse on a window sill, firmly convinced that the head with the greatest hair growth come November 6 will signal the eventual winner of the 2012 Election. What this method lacks in say, Scott Rasmussen's proven track record or Nate Silver's sabremetrically inspired weighting formulas, it more than makes up for in sheer simplicity.

We will continue to update the progress of Reason's Chia Pet Presidential Predictor on a daily basis through Election Day next Tuesday, when an official measuring of sprouts (or possibly in the case of the LP's figurehead, buds) will take place via livestream.

Though we should probably add that, just like most of the federal government in Washington, we probably won't be coming into the office tomorrow or Wednesday either. And geez, by then it'll already be Thursday, so we might as well just take the rest of the week off. And then when you think about it, we'll only be what, like two weeks and change from Thanksgiving, and then Christmas is just a month out from then and nobody really gets much done in D.C. during December anyway, so…

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  1. the liberal guy who supports the extra-legal use of drones, massive deficit spending, mindless prosecution of the drug war, mass deportation of immigrants, and reduced interest rates for government-sponsored student loans

    This describes both major party candidate. There is no conservative in the Dem/Rep contest as any conservative would have told you before the shock of “the most important election in US History!!1!” caused “Romnesia” to set in.

    1. How right you are.

    2. There are some big differences, though. The EPA for instance.

      Would Romney abolish it, like Ron Paul or perhaps Gary Johnson? No, but he might actually rein it in.

      And guns. But yes, I realize that since Reason are all pretty much in DC and the NE, they can’t have guns, but those of us in other parts of the country do have them and want to keep them.

  2. I guess our financial system is under water.

  3. Nick, can we get a Official Storm Thread? We want to make insensitive jokes all in the same place, you know.

    And I’m curious about the Lincoln Chia-Pet. Do you need a script-writer?

    1. Speaking of insensitive jokes, an Abraham Lincoln bust with a gigantic hole in his head is beyond the pale.

      1. Too soon?

        1. He would have been 203 years old this year if it hadn’t been for that madman Booth.

      2. What’s the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet?

        Nobody gets upset if you stop watering the Chia.

      3. That’s Abraham Lincoln? I thought it was Warty’s balls.

    2. The weather guy on Fox 53 news keeps relating thundersnow reports from a viewer supposedly named “Dick Barin” in Westmoreland County.

    3. Anderson Cooper seems crestfallen that it’s coming to an end so quick.

      1. Well since his show got cancelled, he’s probably thinking this is his last big thing.

      2. The election or the storm?

        1. For the election, I think Wolf Blitzer is the only human disappointed by the end.

    4. The Exchange is just a building dude. They’ll mop up the mess, buff the floors, and she’ll be good as new.

  4. No Jill Stein? Or Rocky? I’d like to see how Rocky’s doing in the race.

    1. How’s Jill polling? I’m thinking she might get a big boost if the few prog “high information voters” catch a good whiff of an impending Obama loss.

      1. I haven’t the foggiest.

        What I can’t get is why Republicans and their media friends (read: Fox) aren’t plugging the hell out of Stein and maybe Rocky to try to peel off Obama votes. That would be a better strategy than trying to keep the Libertarian off the ballots.

        1. plugging the hell out of Stein

          barf

          1. I didn’t say you had to enjoy it, just do it.

            1. Double entendre goes whoosh!

              1. Except he double entendred your double entendre.

                1. If you know what I mean and I think you do.

                  1. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more

        2. Good point. Obviously the Murdoch-KKKochtopus needs you, Doktor Kapitalism.

          1. I think I’m good…

  5. What better way to predict the next head of state?

    1. I see what you did there…

    2. For a more accurate prediction, you need to more accurately model the real-world election environment. That would mean hiding the Gary Johnson Chia on a high shelf or in a drawer.

      1. High intensity camera lights on O and R 24/7. Johnson gets a AA flashlight wielded by a homeless guy who keeps pointing it at the corner to check for rats.

  6. But, I don’t understand where Don King fits into this chia scenario.

  7. Congratulations NYC on setting a flood record!

  8. I’m addicted to Plague, Inc on my android.
    Anyone else wonder what life would actually be like for the last 100k people on earth with the fatal disease?

  9. Obviously Nick was at the office drinking last night and started from right to left preparing the chia heads.

    1. The Romney one looks downright gross, like he’s diseased.

      1. Without his proper pompadour that is what Romney looks like.

  10. This seems pretty lame, but who knows? Maybe it’ll grow on me.

  11. Though we should probably add that, just like most of the federal government in Washington, we probably won’t be coming into the office tomorrow or Wednesday either. And geez, by then it’ll already be Thursday, so we might as well just take the rest of the week off. And then when you think about it, we’ll only be what, like two weeks and change from Thanksgiving, and then Christmas is just a month out from then and nobody really gets much done in D.C. during December anyway, so…

    WHAT?! NOOOOOOOOOO!

    This would never happen if Virginia Postrel were still around.

    1. this is only a tropical storm.

      Imagine if a cat 5 hurricane hit New England.

      What sucks is now all the statists are going to claim this is global warming despite the fact that real hurricanes have been hitting the same coasts for millions of years.

  12. It would be a shame if the storm forced BO to delay the unemployment number release until after the election.

    1. Who;s gonna base their vote on one weeks unemployment figures though?

  13. I’d love to see Obama try to “postpone” the election.

    1. it would be interesting, since “everyone” expected dubya to cancel the election in ’08

    2. On the news tonight they were saying the storm is good for BO since it gives the public a chance to “see how he handles a crisis.”

      1. I thought we already saw that last month. The answer: Go to a fundraiser in Las Vegas.

      2. It’s good for Obama because it gives the media something to talk about other than the Romney-is-winning and Benghazi scandal stories.

  14. Video: NJ lawmaker sues cop over bogus traffic stop/investigation

    i says it before, i’ll says it again – video/audio the cops. it helps us(the good cops), and it hurts them(the bad cops). win/win

    http://www.policeone.com/legal…..ffic-stop/

    the brief clip, if it is accurate shows that where the officer alleged he got “cut off” which started the whole stop/investigation, etc. that nothing of the sort happened.

    moar video = moar justice

    1. A collar camera is on the shopping list right after I get that kevlar sweater for my dog.

      1. Don’t forget the trama plates.

        1. i prefer Troma plates.

          you never know when you are going to come face to face with Toxie.

      2. the fucking POV cameras are awesome. more and more cops are wearing them and it’s making for some GREAT video. if it could track gaze vs. head movement it would be even better, but it’s still awesome

        working on my 3l33t gaze

        http://forcescience.org/articles/gaze.pdf

    2. So what happens to people who install a door that cops can’t break down?

  15. I wonder if Hurricane Sandy will get picked up for a full season

  16. BARF:

    Big Bird ?@BigBirdRomney
    “53% of you will be fine. The other 47%, I couldn’t care less about.” – Mitt Romney. #RomneyStormTips

    1. A Sesame street episode followed by a commercial for a stuffed Big Bird doll will literally kill 47% of the American voting population

  17. Fake Hurricane Pictures
    http://mashable.com/2012/10/29…..dy-photos/

    1. Why do they keep calling it a hurricane when it is a tropical storm?

      1. No clue, but everyone of those fakes were on my twitter this evening.

  18. Who gives a fuck about an oxford comma?

    1. Apparently not even the article’s writer. She gave a brief example of an Oxford comma, but other than that didn’t even really talk about it. Just rambled on about grammar a bit.

    2. I do. I favor them.

    3. That was a historical article.

  19. Holy shit i wish Romney was the Romney that salon thinks he is:

    Basically one more conservative vote means the effective end…..of the Commerce Clause. Replacing Breyer and Ginsburg with conservatives would possibly mean the end of the entire New Deal regulatory state.

    The EPA’s new fuel efficiency standards probably wouldn’t end up surviving. And the EPA certainly won’t be regulating greenhouse gas emissions under the Clean Air Act in a Romney administration.

    Romney will cheerfully eliminate “Obamacare” and destroy Medicaid by handing it to states that plan to spend as little money on it as possible.

    http://www.salon.com/2012/10/2….._scenario/

    Salon got me closer to voting for Romney then Tulpa has.

    Note: No way I am voting for Romney.

    1. I’m telling you, in the America that exists in the heads of Salon, Gawker, and Jezzie a Romney presidency would transform America into Panem, with gays, feminists, and old people competing for food Hunger Games-style.

      I kind of want Romney to win just so I can see the satisfaction of the left-wing talking heads exploding. It’ll be way more unhinged than the GOP’s freak-out over the election of Obama.

      1. They go through this every time and never learn. I’m old enough to remember rumors of the camps Nixon was preparing in the desert for hippies and protestors. Reagan was going to start a nuclear war. There was the New World Order. Bush 43 was the next fascist threat. (Remember when Naomi Wolf claimed that they were intercepting and reading her kid’s letters from camp?)

        It never pans out, but each new Republican President is scarier than the last….

    2. I read that too. Here’s the part that stuck out:

      “But why stop with a preemptive airstrike? The actual worst-case scenario, in terms of loss of life and possibly world-destroying consequences, would be a nuclear strike on Iran.”

      Now, the writer gives no indication of using hyperbole here, and he is talking about a nuclear first strike. Whatever either Romney or Obama may be, and you would be hard-pressed to find someone with a dimmer view of them than I, I have to think that this statement says more about the writer’s own nature, than anything else.

      1. I like how giving medicare block grants to the states is in the same worse case scenario as nuking Iran.

        If it was a worse worse case scenario would Romney privatize medicare and then just incinerate 100 million Americans in Auschwitz style camps?

  20. Chia Pet Lincoln Head for President!

  21. So, the head filled with the most fertilizer wins? !!

  22. Those are some really cool giapets!

    http://www.iz-anon.tk

    1. That the best you can do?

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