John Boehner

"Boehner is the type of guy who couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a handful of bananas."

Will the speaker's resignation lead to a better, more effective House of Representatives?

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So John Boehner is stepping down as Speaker of the House. To paraphrase various Monty Python bits: And there was much rejoicing.

Pretty much from across the spectrum, I'd say. To conservatives, Boehner was a squish on all the things they care about (the Ohioan had the temerity to want to avoid a government shutdown over Planned Parenthood funding). Earlier today, Donald Trump greeted Boehner's resignation by saying, "I think it's wonderful, frankly." That sentiment is widely shared by many, perhaps most Republicans pols.

To liberals, Boehner was always ready to help defend war, surveillance, No Child Left Behind, the unpaid-for Medicare expansion under Bush, you name it.

And for libertarians, he was terrible in virtually every possible way. He was a go-along, get-along kind of guy always willing to do the bidding of state at the expense of the individual. And despite professions on his part of having a small-government vision, he could never quite get around to naming a program he was, you know, actually willing to cut or even trim in any sort of way that might impact things.

As it happens, in my latest Daily Beast column, which went live just a few hours before Boehner announced his resignation, I wrote this about his lack of vision and clarity when it came to minimizing the size, scope, and spending of government:

Just weeks before assuming the speakership in 2011—after years in Congress, ostensibly as a small-government, budget-slashing conservative and after a massive, Tea Party-driven takeover of Congress—Boehner was asked by NBC's Brian Williams to name a government program the nation could do without. "I don't think I have one off the top of my head," he replied lamely. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is similarly uncharismatic, too. Perhaps with different folks in charge, congressional Republicans would be throwing fewer hissy fits at their own leadership and passing more spending cuts.

The column is about Brookings Institution scholar Jonathan Rauch's new book, Political Realism, and the argument that something is systemically wrong with Congress. Rauch, who I interviewed recently for Reason, argues that American democracy requires strong political parties to function properly and that various reforms championed by populists, progressives, and libertarians have effectively robbed party leadership of its ability to discipline and corral its members.

"What happens," asks Rauch, "when John Boehner tries to get the votes together to keep the government open, for example, or pass an immigration bill, which he would have liked to have done, and he can't get anyone to do it because all his guys are more afraid of the shadow PACs, the super PACs, and the outside money than they are of him?"

At The Daily Beast, I hold open the possibility that Rauch is mistaking a lack of individual leadership on the part of Boehner—a particularly uninspiring speaker who never articulated any clear set of principles or vision for the role of government—for an institutional problem.

As a friend of mine once put it, "Boehner is the type of guy who couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a handful of bananas."

With Boehner stepping down, we'll get to see soon if the GOP can't govern because of changes to the way candidates are funded and other developments or whether it was more the fault of a weak character such as John Boehner.

Whole Beast col here.

Reason interview with Rauch here:

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123 responses to “"Boehner is the type of guy who couldn't get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a handful of bananas."

  1. “…And despite professions on his part of having a small-government vision, he could never quite get around to naming a program he was, you know, actually willing to cut or even trim in any sort of way that might impact things….”

    Revealed preferences.
    Keep the mute button keyed and watch what he does.

  2. Oh great. Has anyone checked Snopes.com?

    1. Snopes confirms, Nick’s friend never said such a silly statement.

      1. However, Snopes did include a “Partially True” note regarding whether or not Nick actually included a Trump reference.

        The much derided Millennial reference was total fiction, however.

    2. According to Snopes, Bhonhehr doesn’t have a birth certificate. He sprang fully-formed from a puddle of orange teats.

      1. “orange teats” wore it better

        1. Frat thus stupid phones aunt-correct!

      2. Explains this:

        http://consumerist.com/2014/09…..errifying/

  3. He’s just incompetent, at bottom.

    Back in one of the earlier debt limit/shutdown kerfuffles, I nearly drove off the road when Boehner announced that under no circumstances would the House shut down the government.

    IOW, he opened negotiations by announcing he was giving up all his leverage and would give the Dems and Obama every single frickin’ thing they asked for. What kind of idiot opens by telling the other side they will get everything they want?

    Good riddance.

    1. How can you even be an incompetent bottom? All you have to do is bend over and pull your cheeks apart.

      1. Any properly substitute-sex-educated 6th grader knows that!

      2. This is why tops never call you back, Hugh.

        1. I’m gonna say jesse’s probably right on this one….

        2. So are you not supposed to pull your cheeks apart? I feel like that’s making the top do an awful lot of the work. Maybe the bottom pays for dinner or something?

          1. I’m gonna need a whiteboard.

            1. RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACIST!!!

              1. Board of pallor?

      3. An incompetent bottom is called a starfish.

    2. What kind of idiot opens by telling the other side they will get everything they want?

      The idiot in charge?

  4. …we’ll get to see soon if the GOP can’t govern because of changes to the way candidates are funded and other developments or whether it was more the fault of a weak character such as John Boehner.

    These guys who’ve become entrenched in Congress think the only way the country can operate is if they make their closed-door deals. Regardless of party, they are very much the central planners.

  5. Perhaps with different folks in charge, congressional Republicans would be throwing fewer hissy fits at their own leadership and passing more spending cuts.

    Or perhaps they’ll just redirect those hissy fits toward Team Blue so they still have an excuse not to pass any spending cuts.

    1. You misunderstand, looking to reform government budgeting through spending cuts is a type of hissy fit. The legiature can only work if the boat is never rocked. That is what I get from Rauch.

    2. Fuck you, increase spending.

      /Team Blue.

    3. Perhaps with different folks in charge, congressional Republicans would be throwing fewer hissy fits at their own leadership and passing more spending cuts.

      Straight from the Daily Beast style manual – you think the objections of Amash, Massie, et al are “hissy fits”, Mr. Jacket?

      1. Agreed. I don’t know what The Jacket’s been smoking this morning, but complaining that Boehner is resistant to cutting government is not exactly anathema to libertarian principle.

  6. “The first job of any Speaker is to protect this institution that we all love.”

    No shit. I think that tells us everything we need to know about the political class. They exist for their own sake. We are just tax-cattle.

    1. The first job of any Speaker is to protect this institution that we all love.

      Silly me. And I thought it was to support and defend the Constitution.

        1. I heard of it a time or two, but it was from an old man. So take it with a grain of salt.

  7. We should remember that the Tea Party began as a reaction to TARP, and John Boehner was TARP’s champion.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wR68S2rGS7E

    Boehner championed TARP.

    That the Tea Party victory put him in the Speaker’s chair was a great irony. He should never have been in the Speaker’s chair in the first place.

    1. TARP? What? I thought the Tea Party began because RACEISM?!?

  8. Boner’s district is in a place I used to live when I was a kid. Supposedly I met him at a Christmas party once when I was about 13. I don’t remember. I remember the party, though. They had these big nice shrimp plates and I ate the shit out of that fucking shrimp and probably mortified the host. It was awesome. What were we talking about again?

    1. Something something shrimping something something 13-year-old Warty something something.

      I got distracted.

    2. Shrimp.

      …shrimp Creole, coconut shrimp, boiled shrimp, grilled shrimp, shrimp cocktail, shrimp salad, fried shrimp, shrimp scampi, shrimp po’ boy, shrimp ‘n’ grits, shrimp salad….

      /Bubba

      1. Goddamn, those shrimp were good. I ate some, and then I came back and ate more, and more, and more. And I knew I was well beyond the bounds of respectable guest behavior, but I didn’t give two shits, because goddamn those fucking shrimp were fucking good. Goddammit I want some shrimp.

        1. You were 13. You were disturbingly like I was at that age – cause I did then and still do LOVE me some shrimp!!

          Still remember the best I ever had – at Mac and Ray’s up on Lake St. Clair in MI – when we were signing the 1999 labor agreement. We had dinner there with the Union, smoked Davidoff cigars, I had the best chilled shrimp I’ve ever eaten, before or since, and I had filet mignon for my main dish.

          Exquisite. And I must have eaten $1000 of shrimp that night, as a grown ass, 37 year old man. Didn’t give a shit. It was SO GOOD!

          Now I want grilled shrimp for dinner….

        2. I knew I was well beyond the bounds of respectable guest behavior,

          So you are why there are no more all-you-can-eat fried shrimp dinners. Thanks asshole.

          /shrimp lover

        3. I trust you left all the tails piled high on a big plate as a reminder/monument to how much shrimp you ate.

          1. ^This is why we don’t get invited to the good cocktail parties.

    3. +1 Plate of Shrimp

    4. Warty: “Last night, we met this cool guy, and he was black, and then we went to the Firebug’s house–and I was so good, though John overdrinks.”

      Nikki: “Is that right?”

      Warty: “Oh, totally; he doesn’t just sip it, he gets trashed and then rolls my socks. But I eat shrimps.”

    5. Bragging about mortifying the host of a party decent enough to invite you is probably, after “shut up dad I’ll play video games until whatever time I want”, the most libertarian attitude possible. Small wonder that libertarians aren’t exactly a political threat.

      1. *notes Sam doesn’t like shrimp, thereby confirming he’s a total douchenozzle*

        1. Maybe he’s allergic to shrimp and super bitter about it. Geeze, why can’t you be more understanding of Sam’s biological failings, dick.

          1. I’m allergic to shrimp, deathly allergic in fact, and yet I don’t try to pronounce judgment on an entire political movement because of one young man’s love of shrimp.

            Haysom is just a whiny little prick. Emphasis on “little.”

      2. And yet, Tulpa, here you are.

      3. You are such a worthless prick.

  9. “…he can’t get anyone to do it because all his guys are more afraid of the shadow PACs, the super PACs, and the outside money than they are of him?”

    Right, Rauch. Politicians shouldn’t be afraid of one guy at the top, they should worry about the money of their constituents. What could possibly go wrong with politicians feeling beholden to one guy at the top? Probably nothing.

    1. Yes, the choice Rauch seems to offer is th to turn Leviathan and get screlosis or let government go on how it has been until the sun dies.

  10. (the Ohioan had the temerity to want to avoid a government shutdown over Planned Parenthood funding)

    The Democrats really have done an amazing job framing these shutdowns. It is just as true that Obama is threatening a shutdown over Planned Parenthood funding. Same with all the other shutdowns when either Dems in the Senate or Obama refuse to pass/sign a bill without whatever goodies they want.

  11. Boehner is that republican that Democrats secretly love.

    My staunchly blue friend texted me today that Boehner was retiring. My understanding is he loathes Boehner. But yet in reality, as I’ve postulated before, Boehner is the kind of Republican that Democrats can negotiate with.

    I’ll give you this if you give us that? Both ‘this’ and ‘that’ result in an increase in the size, scope, cost and power of government.

    Libertarians just keep saying, “fuck you, cut spending”.

    Not much to negotiate with there.

    1. Boehner is the kind of Republican that Democrats can negotiate with.

      I think your phone autocorrected “give orders to, and expect them to be followed.”

      1. Swype does that occasionally.

        I don’t dare text my female friends any more.

        I swype “Looks like rain today!” and it comes out “How ’bout you come over and jiggle your boobs in my face for an hour tonight?”

        Puts a strain on the friendship.

        1. I blew a snot bubble of Mountain Dew out my nose.

          THANKS A LOT.

        2. It could result in an unexpectedly pleasant evening if you texted the right friend.

          1. Apparently I don’t have the right friends.

    2. This. And conservatives and real libertarians almost universally detest him. Boehner’s allies are liberals and corrupt moderates who are in the game strictly to feather their own nests.

  12. Will the speaker’s resignation lead to a better, more effective House of Representatives?

    No.

    1. I used to think a change of personnel might make things better, and then we got Bush, Bush and the current Bush.

  13. Completely off Topic:

    I have an extensive collection of the writings of early european settlers in North America. The most interesting stuff are the letters that some of those people wrote to their families back home. I remember one in particular that described the landscape and wildlife of southern Georgia and northern Florida. It was described as a ‘howling wilderness’ covered with giant trees and teeming with wildlife. Some of those trees were described as having boles more than 20 feet in diameter, mostly chestnuts. I did once see a cover for SciAm from the early 20th century that had a photo of a chestnut in the appelachians that size. The wildlife included moose, buffalo and elk. I haven’t seen any other evidence of that until just a while ago when I ran across this – http://earlyamericanists.com/2…..-massacre/

    I know those critters were here in Louisiana. Makes sense. Without highways and rifles I suppose all of the mammals of NA had the run of the place.

    1. That is cool.

      I’m interested in MI c ~1700’s, esp all the settlements and the forts and the interactions with the locals, etc. And how fucking WILD it all was! Too cool.

    2. The Indians all over North America set fire to the underbrush every year, intentionally creating an open forest environment that enticed a lot of megafauna to move east as far as Jamestown and upstate New York. John Smith wrote that he could ride a horse at full gallop through the forests of Virginia. There hasn’t been actual untouched wilderness in subarctic North America since thousands of years before the Europeans arrived – it was all managed.

        1. All the ones I’ve seen were red.

      1. This is true. The Injuns burned off everything east of the rockies for that very reason. It kept the buffalo and other megafauna around. They created grasslands.

        Yum.

        1. Oh, according to vegan nuts meat eating is bad for you and unnatural for humans.

          Riiiiiiight.

    3. Thoreau talks about canoeing in the wilderness, and the guide shooting a moose, carving off enough to cook dinner, and leaving the rest to rot. There were so many moose around, who gave a fuck?

  14. Rauch, who I interviewed recently for Reason, argues that American democracy requires strong political parties to function properly

    What a fucking retard. Jesus fucking Antichrist that’s a stupid statement. FUCK.

    He said that out loud? Or wrote it down.

    What. A. Dumbass.

    1. Which is really odd. Somehow the Founders loathed political parties, but designed a system that can’t function without strong ones.

      1. This exactly. I think it’s parties that are the BANE of this political system – but the people who think they’re ABSOLUTELY VITAL is just…astounding.

        Fuck all of them, mostly Rauch, in this case.

        1. What’s the alternative, exactly?

          1. Gee, nothing, I guess. TEAMS are just endemic in people, and the only possible way things can work. What was I thinking?

      2. Somehow the Founders loathed political parties, but designed a system that can’t function without strong ones.

        You can thank that piece of shit Alexander Hamilton for that. That POS was going to get rich off of the early republic’s tax system, and if it took introducing factionalism to make his scheme work, that’s what people were going to get!

        1. I take umbrage over these assaults on Colonel Hamilton’s character, good sir.

          1. Hamilton is like Andrew Jackson. Half good, half bad.

          2. A burr under your blanket?

      3. It’s the two-party system that has us so royally screwed. I think the expectation was that there would be a multitude of shifting interests and parties, with constant realignments based on the prevailing issues of the day. For instance, in the first Congress, when assumption of state debts incurred during the Revolution and under the Articles was an issue, Massachusetts and South Carolina united to vote for, while Virginia and New Jersey opposed. These were existential issues for MA and SC, two states otherwise at odds on things like tariffs, slavery, finance, etc.

        1. That’s what gets me about the two party system. It really makes little sense for people to settle into two camps like that since there are so many different issues that rarely line up neatly like that. I would naively expect to see more regional and single issue parties coming in and out of existence.

    2. PS And Nick – aren’t you an English major, and shouldn’t it be, “Rauch, whom I interviewed….”??

      /dickhead

      1. Wrong. It should be “Rauch, with whom i done interviewed…”

        1. Rauch … I done talked good with him.

          1. WHYCOME RAUCH TLAK NICK? NICK TLAK RAUCH GOOD. INTERVYOU FOR REEZUN.

      2. I’m just glad he didn’t start talking about picking up dog shit half way through.

      3. Dude, you talk like a fag.

    3. The American government as it exists requires them, but they’re mostly on record as deploring factions. I don’t think that’s inconsistent. There’s not much chance that the American government as it exists is what Madison intended, after all.

  15. Do monkey whorehouses really exist? Asking for myself.

    1. Ohhhhh – that made me laugh out loud.

      “Anyone know where there’s a monkey whorehouse ’round these parts?”

    2. I think it’s a racist euphemism.

      1. I think Gillespie is inferring that he should have brought something else: like fried chicken, watermelon, grape soda or menthol cigarettes. I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell.

        1. But, you had a good time going there, right?

  16. So what is the line on who’s taking over? Slashy McCutspending or Billy Biblebeater or Lil’ Orville Donkeydem, Jr.? Are the GOP in disarray because they ain’t been praying hard enough or that they ain’t been busting chops on those malcontents who keep whining about wanting to cut the size of government even when the GOP is in control of the government and refuse to get with the spending investment program? Whichever, it certainly can’t be because people actually expected them to follow through on their big talk about lopping the head off the government beast, right? Everybody knows that was just cloud talk.

  17. I want a Speaker that needs a reason–a good reason–to NOT shut the government down.

    He’ll listen patiently, nod his head solemnly, and then say: “That’s not a good reason; shut’er down! Last one out, turn off the lights!”

  18. To conservatives, Boehner was a squish on all the things they care about (the Ohioan had the temerity to want to avoid a government shutdown over Planned Parenthood funding).

    Because everyone knows that, for libertarians, government funding of prenatal services is a fundamental principle!

    Sorry, but this is just silly. No one is talking about shutting down Planned Parenthood. The most anyone is discussing is not pointing a gun in people’s face to make them give Planned Parenthood their money.

  19. For you shrimp lovers, I grew up on Hood Canal which is part of Pugent Sound so I had fresh, very cheap, seafood (shrimp included) readily available at any time I wanted. It was amazing. I now live about 7-8 hours from the Sound but every time I go back to visit friends/family I make a run to the local seafood store. Luckily, prices in Idaho (where I now live) are generally lower than in Washington so the few “higher end” restaurants and markets that have fresh seafood flown in weekly are still relatively cheap.

    Growing up near the ocean/sound makes you spoiled for good seafood.

    1. I’m neutral to most seafood. Sashimi is nice, salmon is fine, scallops are OK, crabs and lobsters and shit are pretty decent. But holy fuck, shrimp. GIVE ME MORE SHRIMP

      1. Bacon wrapped scallops. I will eat ALL of them.

        1. Yum. Bacon wrapped scallops.

          Also, those really small lamb chops they serve at cocktail parties.

          1. I like to think about how cute the lamb must have been while I eat them.

    2. Yeah, I grew up on the Gulf Coast. Shrimp was dirt cheap down there in the 1980s-1990s. Now I’m in the DC area. Still has a coast, but everything is fucking expensive here.

    1. I take it there isn’t a muslim Don Rickles?

      1. I think that’s Dutch. He mentions Amsterdam, at least.

  20. Why does Boner always look like he is on the edge of tears? If it because he always loses the who-has-to-play-catcher coin toss, you’d think he’d be used to it by now.

  21. The perfect pet for Warty:

    Male echidnas have FOUR-headed penises

    1. Warty already has you as a pet……why does he need another one?

  22. We already broke the news on the other thread. You biotches are too late.

  23. To liberals, Boehner was always ready to help defend war, surveillance, No Child Left Behind, the unpaid-for Medicare expansion under Bush, you name it.

    Uh…Nick, last I checked liberals support increased federal education spending and new medical entitlements. Their opposition of some on the left to these programs was based upon the attached strings of standardized testing to NCLB and Medicare Part d not being expansive enough. Both programs were designed and touted to be appealing to the center-left.

    1. They are also pro-NSA if Barry’s doing it.

  24. “(the Ohioan had the temerity to want to avoid a government shutdown over Planned Parenthood funding)”

    Or to put it more plainly, he wants the federal government to fund Planned Parenthood.

    He would insist that budget bills include funding for Planned Parenthood.

    So, why the circumlocutions?

    1. Oh, I see, you mean he’d have a fake-ass vote against PP funding with the understanding that when the bill gets vetoed he’d switch and *support* PP funding.

  25. Does waving bananas around a monkey whorehouse constitute voluntary free association? Is it a violation of the non-aggression principle?

    1. The monkeys are being trafficked. So yes.

  26. “Boehner is the type of guy who couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a handful of bananas.”

    Best Headline Evar

  27. Do the Republicans want to “win” a meaningless victory now and almost guarantee a seriously important loss in 2016? Some would say they have shot themselves in the foot. I would contend that they are such poor shots that they missed and shot themselves a little higher. They make being a Republican very difficult.

  28. Hmm, maybe that’s why he’s always crying, or is it his crying makes it impossible for him.

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