Drug Policy

The Inevitable Man-Bites-Dog Story

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It is well established that "synthetic drugs" make you fuck goats and eat people's faces. It turns out they also make you eat the family dog. While it's still alive. On Monday police in Waco, Texas, charged 22-year-old Michael Daniel with felony animal cruelty because of a June 14 incident in which he allegedly got down "on his hands and knees and chased a neighbor while barking and growling like a dog," then "took a medium-sized black dog onto the front porch of the home," where "he beat and strangled the animal" and "began to bite into the dog, ripping pieces of flesh away." The dog died at the scene. Police reported that Daniel "was on a bad trip from ingesting K2," a synthetic marijuana substitute. Fake pot also was blamed for a 2010 incident in which a Utah man "fired a handgun randomly and shot a neighbor's goat." Since then state and federal bans have encouraged manufacturers to change their active ingredients, apparently from the goat-shooting variety to the dog-eating kind. Still, better that than actual marijuana, which everybody knows makes you hack your family to death with an ax.

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  1. Editor’s Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic.

    Civil with this topic? Not likely.

    1. Awww…yeah. Calling down the Mothership just for you V. McCracken.

  2. Y’know, I almost wish at least some of that nonsense said about MJ were true. At least then Woodstock would have been interesting, instead of groan-inducing boomer/hippie nostalgia.

    1. Sha-na-na ruled Woodstock.

  3. eat the family dog. I thought Obama was just on pot?

    Also, cue Barfman.

  4. The drug dealers are trying new experiments to invent new drugs.

  5. Woke up from an odd dream where an acquaintance taught me a variation of poker. The odd thing is it is double. Nine cards are laid in front of each player in a 3 by 3 matrix face down, no one is allowed to see their cards. The first round is played blind, players ante, have the usual choice of raising, passing or folding. The Xs represent the cards that are turned over,

    XXX
    OXO
    OXO

    That’s your hand the first round.
    The cards are then turned back down and the next round starts.

    This pattern is played out following the first:

    OXO OXO XOX
    XXX OXO OXO
    OXO XXX XOX

    After which the cards are reshuffled, and the process is restarted. Kind of neat how it unfolds. First hand is completely blind, the last is completely open, limited only to the extent of your memorization ability.

    Not even my oddest dream, that would be the one where I checked back on the board every now and then throughout the day to see Sugarfree repeat the sentence in every thread ‘The locust wait patiently for the word to come.’

    1. I think the Spambot will know just what you mean, dude.

    2. Stop taking bath salts before bedtime Killaz

    3. Sounds almost like a Tarot spread.

  6. “Bath Salts” is the new excuse for crime and the reason why police must use excessive force against a suspect. Bath salts headlines are popping up every where… “Man jaywalks, police taser, bath salts suspected”

    1. It’s the new PCP.

  7. Still, better that than actual marijuana, which everybody knows makes you hack your family to death with an ax.

    I have seen “Refer Madness”, “The Terrible Truth” and that Dragnet episode where the guys lets his son drown, that wacky tabacky makes you a lethargic crazed killer.

  8. This man is clearly a locavore on a paleo diet.

    1. That is so full of win, it hurts!

  9. Has anybody checked into whether these wackos are ingesting *actual* bath salts?

    1. Hahaha, good one Rich.

  10. Wait, Bath salts make you Fuck Goats?

    So that explains Scotland

    1. ^^^ This is why no one takes libertarians seriously.

  11. Police reported that Daniel “was on a bad trip from ingesting K2,” a synthetic marijuana substitute.

    And they know this, how, exactly?

  12. I’m sorry there are so many ‘tard humans, medium-sized black dog on front porch.

  13. I’m wondering if it was his dog. Because if it was, then he has the right to nom away. I personally think doggy nomming is gross, but it’s not my dog.

  14. The story doesn’t make alot of sense. First, it says he was arrested at his work w/o incident. Later it says cops arrived at the scene and took him to the hospital. Was he released after he was first taken in?

  15. He kept saying “I want to be President! I want to be President!”

  16. War on Drugs blamed for making previously normal, well-adjusted humans develop a taste for pets. Got it.

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