The Inevitable Man-Bites-Dog Story

It is well established that "synthetic drugs" make you fuck goats and eat people's faces. It turns out they also make you eat the family dog. While it's still alive. On Monday police in Waco, Texas, charged 22-year-old Michael Daniel with felony animal cruelty because of a June 14 incident in which he allegedly got down "on his hands and knees and chased a neighbor while barking and growling like a dog," then "took a medium-sized black dog onto the front porch of the home," where "he beat and strangled the animal" and "began to bite into the dog, ripping pieces of flesh away." The dog died at the scene. Police reported that Daniel "was on a bad trip from ingesting K2," a synthetic marijuana substitute. Fake pot also was blamed for a 2010 incident in which a Utah man "fired a handgun randomly and shot a neighbor's goat." Since then state and federal bans have encouraged manufacturers to change their active ingredients, apparently from the goat-shooting variety to the dog-eating kind. Still, better that than actual marijuana, which everybody knows makes you hack your family to death with an ax.