Mary Beth Buchanan Finally Quits; Regrets Not Having Been Even Douchier


When last we checked in on Mary Beth Buchanan, President Bush's porn-hatin', Tommy Chong-persecutin', "Whizzinator" confiscatin', jury-intimidatin' U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania, she was clinging to her job with white knuckles, damn-near daring incoming President Barack Obama to fire her.

Nearly a year later, Buchanan has finally served her last day on the job. Her one regret? Not that she spent spent several hundred thousand dollars prosecuting medical examiner Cyril Wecht for what in the end amounted to charges of spending about four dollars of county money on personal faxes. Not that she put perjurred testimony into evidence and sent Dr. Bernard Rottschaefer to prison for the non-crime of treating people in pain. Not that she wasted taxpayer money by bringing tedious federal obscenity cases in cases involving all consenting adults.

No, Buchanan told a local TV station this week her one regret is offering a plea bargain to celebrity stoner Tommy Chong, letting him off with a mere nine months in prison for selling glass pipes over the Internet.

Chong's response:

"I'm honored to be Mary Beth's only regret. Now does she regret going after me? Or does she regret that I never got enough time? I tend to think she wishes she'd never heard my name. I have become her legacy. Mary Beth Loose Cannon is now looking for a job. She blew her last job busting me. Karma is so sweet! She's looking for a work while Cheech and I start our second multi-million dollar tour thanks to the publicity she created for us! Thank you Mary Beth—may you find peace and happiness in your search for your soul."

Two Buchanan critics in the Pittsburgh area tell me the rumor there is that she's setting her sights on the congressional seat currently held by first-term Rep. Jason Altmire (D-Penn.).

NEXT: Buy American Pot—A very special message from the American Marijuana Growers Association

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  1. Grandstanding attorneys are invariably great Americans, and Buchanan is no exception.

  2. I’m anti-drugs (though not a prohibitionist), yet this stuff could make me champion them. Maybe that’s its secret intent.

  3. Kinda reminds me of that line “So tell me, how’s your slut sister” delivered in Sudden Impact.

    Some people just can’t ever find remorse and have to hurl one last insult.

    1. I assume you are referring to MBB, rather than Chong, whose response was apt.

  4. See ya Mary B!

    Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, driving a 4 inch rusty spike, coated with botulism bacterium and a rare form of e.coli, into your rectum, tearing into the walls and into your gastric cavity, infecting you with such efficiency and severity that you lose all bladder and bowel control for the next 20 years, in between the horrible and painful muscular spasms that accompanies untreated tetanus.

    1. That was beautiful.

    2. I hope she gets a disease for which cannabis is the only effective medicine.

  5. Damn, JW, you’re cold. I just hope she experiences the justice system first hand from the other side.

    1. Fuck her. (But not even with Warty’s dick.)

      Those in power who intentially cause suffering to advance their career should suffer ten-fold that of their victims.

    2. I thought JW WAS suggesting she experience the justice system 1st hand. That’s how I read it atleast.

  6. Great reply by Chong.

    It’s sad that all these US attorneys are becoming Republican politicians (first Christie, now her.) It means one day — when the Republicans take charge again — we’ll have a lot to worry about.

    1. OF course, at the top of any list of former US Attorneys who became politicians is Eliot Spitzer.

      1. Spitzer was the NY Attorney-General, an elected state position, not an appointed federal position. So no, he’d not be at the top of that list, nor anywhere on it.

      2. Giuliani’s thinking about running for Senator.

  7. Moral imbeciles do typically have a hard time processing “regret”.

  8. Or, the emotion you humans refer to as “regret”.

    1. Is this a Twilight reference?

      1. I’m insulted. I haven’t seen or read Twilight. I am not a teenage girl.

  9. Regrets Not Having Been Even Douchier

    I’m insulted.

  10. A career spent doing terrible things to the notion of individual liberty in the name of nanny-state for-your-own-goodness? I’m surprised the Obama administration hasn’t begged her to stay.

    1. But she did Red State nannyism. Totally not the same thing as when the right people look after our own good.

  11. Regrets Not Having Been Even Douchier

    This descriptor libels me.

  12. may you find peace and happiness in your search for your soul


  13. Whoa, Chong did hit her with an epic, towering column of snarking flame at the end there. Nice.

  14. If Pennsylvania elects her, can we involuntarily secede it from the union? Between her and Murtha, we’d really need to get rid of it.

    1. And Specter. And Santorum.

  15. Can’t this woman die or have a stroke or something? The waiting list for hell must be very long these days.

    1. No kidding. Cheney, the closet thing to a modern day Hitler, is still alive.

      1. More proof for my Hell on Earth theory

  16. When will her book hit be published?

  17. I was going to vent my spleen over this hateful woman, but the regulars have already covered all the bases. Good work. 🙂

  18. Chong rocked on O’Reily last night. Cheech wasn’t bad. O’Reily is one huge piece of shit.

    1. Too bad most of the interview was edited out, making room for superfluous movie clips. And yes, when it comes to national drug policy, O’Reilly is an unreconstructed Neanderthal. But take heart: his annual War On Christmas freakout is just around the corner. Man, those nuns fucked him up royally, didn’t they.

  19. Chong’s last line is one of the most devastating put downs I’ve seen.

    It does pose a problem for us. We have a civilization critical need for a Democratic alternative, yet any one who is not Barry Goldwater on the Republican side should be suspect because deals will have to be made with these SoCons, and there is not one of them who doesn’t have seriously askewed priorities. They salivate at the idea of getting the power of government in their own hands.

    For them, the rivalry with Democrats is a matter of envy than governing principle.

    1. I think it runs deeper than that. The problem with Buchanan is not that she is R or D. The problem is that she is a craven, incompetant, miserable bitch. She should have never been allowed out of law school much less become a full US Attorney. How did this happen?

      Every organization I have ever been associated with, has put craven idiots in nearly every position of authority. Nearly every competant, well meaning person I have known has been run out or pushed to the side of whatever organization they work for. All over society, the Mary Beth Buchanans keep going to the top. I am starting to come to the conclusion that our entire society is going insane.

      1. Occasionally, I think about this book.

        1. Just in case I SugarFree’d that link.

        2. Then you may enjoy this book.

          1. Thanks for the recommendation, Rich.

          2. Thanks Art and Rich. Interesting books. I might have to read them.

      2. I have been there too. Fired thrice in three entirely different settings. Once was my fault, and I accept the blame for that even though I was young, inexperienced, out of my depth, and the higher ups should have known better (okay, that sounds more like blame than context), the other two times, however, it was managerial jealousy where my bosses worried I had more influence over the crew than they did. I would go out of my way not to undermine anyone, but the craven are ultimately feral in their instincts and their actions have little to do with higher human mental functionality.

        Now, I work for myself on a contract to contract basis, and can’t see going back to the grind anytime soon.

      3. What you observe in formal structures, I have observed in my cats. It isn’t so much the strongest that is the alpha, it is the one who makes all the others the most uncomfortable.

      4. I see that too. Best I can figure is healthy, balanced, non-insane people don’t have the time or energy to claw themselves up organizations. They’ve got stuff to do. So celibate sociopaths with lots of free time take over.

        1. It’s a frightening dynamic, that the people who are the least qualified to lead and manage any size group of people, as they are incompetent in that regard, but was promoted by a similarly equipped higher up, are usually the ones in charge.

          It’s PHBs all the way down.

          1. Sounds like the Peter Principle. You get promoted as long as you show competency. Once you have reached a level where you are no longer competent, you are no longer promoted and stay in that job for a long time.

            It is one of the best arguments against hierarchical structures where the only way to get rewarded is to be promoted.

      5. The only consistent feature of all your dissatisfying relationships is you.

        I don’t see this boss = craven thing at all… I’ve seen bad managers, but most people in authority in the workplace have been reasonable enough. But some people, looking at the same sets of leadership teams, seem to come to the “they’re all craven morons” conclusion too (though maybe it’s less burdensome in my non-academic science area). I wonder how these perception differences come about… huh, maybe I’m a craven idiot.

        1. Maybe the rest of the world is sane and I am sane. Maybe the Mary Beth Buchanans of the world really do belong where they are. Who knows. But it sure doesn’t look like it.

          1. I think this Buchanan person certainly falls in the evil catagory (taking Balko’s word for it)… I was only commenting on the aside about people in authority in organizations.

        2. Gosh Joe, given one of those bosses was arrested for stealing from the company a few months after I was fired, I think there is quite a bit more to this than little ol’ me.

          1. Gosh alan, defensive much? I wasn’t even responding directly to your comments. And obviously, there are criminals and crazies who’ve managed to get into positions of authority. But the people I’ve observed in higher positions in the workplace are generally good people and don’t conform to this “they’re usually craven idiots” idea.

            1. Same experience here with all my bosses.

              I think all that means is that we don’t work in “important” places.

            2. Gosh alan, defensive much?

              Yes, and what are you implying is wrong with that?

              1. I wasn’t even responding directly to your comments.

                Also, you threaded directly into my comment, and your comment was relevant to mine, so, I’m not the one who made a mistake here. But I can forgive, I use the ‘you’ pronoun too ambiguously too often as well.

      6. Hayek was right in his chapter “Why the Worst Get on Top” in The Road To Serfdom .

        Here’s an awesome quote that I think rings true for Drug Warriors:

        “an increasing tendency among modern men to imagine themselves ethical because they have delegated their vices to larger and larger groups. To act on behalf of a group seems to free people of many of the moral restraints which control their behavior as individuals within the group.”

        Because who goes around shooting peoples’ dogs just because they don’t like the plants they’re growing? But when it’s “just following orders” or “for the greater good” it’s somehow noble.

        1. Tolstoy called it the “hive effect”.

      7. “””The problem with Buchanan is not that she is R or D. The problem is that she is a craven, incompetant, miserable bitch.””

        I agree. But if she was a craven, incompetent, miserable bitch and a D, you would be highlighting the D in the issue.

      8. Here’s a quote for that: “In rivers and bad government, the lightest things float to the top.”

    2. Agree, alan. I would add:

      It does pose a problem for us. We have a civilization critical need for a Democratic Republican alternative, yet any one who is not Barry Goldwater on the Republican Democratic side should be suspect because deals will have to be made with these SoCons tranzi/left/green/socialist wing(s) of the party, and there is not one of them who doesn’t have seriously askewed priorities. They salivate at the idea of getting the power of government in their own hands.

      For them, the rivalry with Democrats Republicans is a matter of class envy than governing principle.

      1. Agree, I could have worded that better. By Democratic alternative I did not mean working inside the Democratic party, they are a lost cause that should go the way of the Mensheviks. The Republicans are only marginally better if only for the fact that the word ‘free market’ in their presence (their actual policies are another thing) doesn’t cause knee jerk sneering, I meant an ‘alternative to the democrats, before they take our civilization down.’

  20. She isn’t really all that bad. I mean she pursued all those cases because there isn’t any serious crime in Pittsburg, right? :-p

  21. Are you kidding me? This is who I might have to choose to replace Altmire with? Goddammit.

  22. I hope she gets cancer of the douche.

    1. with incurable crotch itch.

      1. *crotch rot

  23. I’d feel better about this if I though she was out on her ass. But I suspect that all that abuse of power only pads her resume. I’ll be surprised if she doesn’t have a corner office above the tenth floor this time next year.

    Tell me again, what’s the first thing we do after the revolution?

    1. She will end up right back in DOJ after the Republicans win in 2012. It is too much of a budy system for her not to be. And she will be there at the expense of someone who is competant. It is just disgraceful and an example of why the country is going down the tubes.

      1. Her resume has Attorney General written all over it. Those who are in power are blackguard Secessionist. They have succeeded from sanity.

  24. Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.” — P.J. O’Rourke

    Looks like Mary Beth is 4 for 4 there.

  25. When I read TC’s response, I couldn’t help but hearing it in his stoner Chong voice.

  26. she is a disgrace to Pennsylvania. she is a freedom hating, tax money wasting bitch. I hope she gets crushed in the elections if she runs, even though I hate the democrats.

  27. There is no Karma, she will continue to be successful and earn more money than most everyone here. That is all.

    1. But not more money than Chong will make, that’s as good as Karma could manage.

      1. Oh, and money and success aren’t the only Karmic rewards to be had. Going to bed happy at night is priceless, and i imagine MBB tosses and turns the whole night through.

        1. I doubt it, she is obviously a sociopath with no conscience.

  28. Just like that “Nailin’ Palin” video, someone needs to do a porn parody of “Mary Beth Bukakke” where all her victims get a little facial revenge complete with a pipe-smokin’ “Tommy Dong.”

    1. That is such a fantastic idea, it makes me regret the decision of not going into porn production as my career choice.

    2. I’d pay to see that!

  29. All well and good, but her butt-buddy, Tanya Treadway has finally brought about the closing of the PRN forums, thanks in no small part to her illegal attack’s on PRN, Sioban Reynolds, and all Chronic Pain treating Doctor’s and CPPatient’s.
    She should ES&D, period.

    Don’t forget:
    Can Narcotics Turn Free Speech Into Obstruction of Justice?

    Sep 2, 2009
    Jacob Sullum
    Reason Hit & Run

    “As Radley Balko and I have both noted here, Tanya Treadway, an assistant U.S. attorney in Kansas, is trying to bully pain treatment activist Siobhan Reynolds into silence by threatening to prosecute her for “obstruction of justice,” based on Reynolds’s advocacy work for a local physician accused of writing inappropriate painkiller prescriptions.

    Read more?


  30. Smoke one for Chong! and the bong!

  31. check out her roadshow, comming to a wal-mart gloryhole near you!

  32. Buchanan and the rest of them will pay for their forced war mongering fraudulent cult occupation!

  33. War mongering prohibitionists are domestic terrorists that must be destroyed for their ongoing crimes against humanity and nature. The common good demands it to be so!

  34. Buchanan and Treadway are seriously criminally insane. If I could control all of the military forces of earth for one day there would no prohibition and no war monger prohibitionists allowed to ever fraudulently occupy any government post forever!

  35. This lady is a crooked as they come. Someone should really check into all of the fake drug charges that her and Judge Gibson are scarring inmates in cambria county into pleading guilty. Not only is she still working, but she is now getting word to inmates by Stephanie Haynes. Where can one go to report. It is soooo sad what they are doing.

  36. this woman creeps me out!!!! I wouldnt vote for her for Dog Catcher.

  37. Ms.Buchanan, PLEASE, take your sickeningly perverted partner, John Asscroft, and go away from politics. I’m sorry you were raped by your pot-head mother. Being as sick as you and your gay girl friend are can’t you find one moment of clarity through your disease to see the damage you and your “conservative” party of psycho retards are doing, all while using children as shields? Wasn’t it enough damage that you Klan trash have done since the 20’s ever going to be enough. Luv, Bill…Please go back to…

  38. I hope she goes to hell.

    Long Live Tommy Chong
    drinking stuff

  39. fucking a tommy

  40. this woman was a self serving bitch under the bush administation and should be imprisoned herself. She fucked over Tommy Chong and sucked Bushes cock to meet her own needs long live USA justice!!!!!!

  41. what happpened to freedom of speach USA!!!!!

  42. Just watched Tommy’s documentary on his prison etc. Of all people Tommy Chong gets the most time for the same conviction as 54 other defendants. Really??? What a complete joke this woman Mary Beth Buchanon is!!! Tried to make herself a political career by stepping on the back of peaceful, Tommy Chong. What a complete C U N T!!! Talk about homely too!! God she’s ugly!

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