Mary Beth Buchanan Finally Quits; Regrets Not Having Been Even Douchier


When last we checked in on Mary Beth Buchanan, President Bush's porn-hatin', Tommy Chong-persecutin', "Whizzinator" confiscatin', jury-intimidatin' U.S. Attorney for the Western District of Pennsylvania, she was clinging to her job with white knuckles, damn-near daring incoming President Barack Obama to fire her.

Nearly a year later, Buchanan has finally served her last day on the job. Her one regret? Not that she spent spent several hundred thousand dollars prosecuting medical examiner Cyril Wecht for what in the end amounted to charges of spending about four dollars of county money on personal faxes. Not that she put perjurred testimony into evidence and sent Dr. Bernard Rottschaefer to prison for the non-crime of treating people in pain. Not that she wasted taxpayer money by bringing tedious federal obscenity cases in cases involving all consenting adults.

No, Buchanan told a local TV station this week her one regret is offering a plea bargain to celebrity stoner Tommy Chong, letting him off with a mere nine months in prison for selling glass pipes over the Internet.

Chong's response:

"I'm honored to be Mary Beth's only regret. Now does she regret going after me? Or does she regret that I never got enough time? I tend to think she wishes she'd never heard my name. I have become her legacy. Mary Beth Loose Cannon is now looking for a job. She blew her last job busting me. Karma is so sweet! She's looking for a work while Cheech and I start our second multi-million dollar tour thanks to the publicity she created for us! Thank you Mary Beth—may you find peace and happiness in your search for your soul."

Two Buchanan critics in the Pittsburgh area tell me the rumor there is that she's setting her sights on the congressional seat currently held by first-term Rep. Jason Altmire (D-Penn.).