I was filing a friend-of-the-court brief recently—hold on, this will get relevant—and was corresponding with the counsel for the parties: Federal Rule of Appellate Procedure 29(a)(2) requires that the brief either be accompanied with a motion for leave or "state[] that all parties have consented to its filing," so I e-mailed the parties asking, "Would you consent to the filing of the brief, so that we can file it without drafting an accompanying motion for leave?" The side we are supporting responded promptly with "Appellees consent," but the other side responded with "No objection."
No objection? Wait, is that consenting to the filing? Or just saying that they won't file an opposition to our motion for leave, if we file a motion? I wasn't going to tell the judges that the parties "have consented" when one of them merely wasn't objecting.
So I responded with, "just to confirm, may I note that as your consenting to the filing of the brief." Not hearing back, I e-mailed again, "Sorry to trouble you, but I just wanted to confirm that you indeed consent." Then I got back, "Yes that's fine," and I figured that was enough.
By sheer coincidence, I was planning on kissing a woman that day …. No, actually, that wasn't it (these days, I only kiss my wife, and we aren't on Rule 29(a)(2) terms); but I do remember, back in the day, 35 years ago now, I was talking to an older female friend of mine about a woman I had indeed asked for permission to kiss, and my friend told me quite firmly that women didn't like to be asked about that.
And now to Huma Abedin: The Guardian reported, based on its review of Abedin's not-yet-released memoir,
[Headline:] Longtime Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin describes sexual assault by US senator …
Abedin details her alleged assault while describing her work for Clinton when the former first lady and future secretary of state and presidential candidate was a US senator from New York, between 2001 and 2009….
[A]fter describing a Washington dinner attended by "a few senators and their aides" but not Clinton, Abedin writes: "I ended up walking out with one of the senators, and soon we stopped in front of his building and he invited me in for coffee. Once inside, he told me to make myself comfortable on the couch."
She says the senator took off his blazer, rolled up his sleeves and made coffee while they continued to talk.
"Then, in an instant, it all changed. He plopped down to my right, put his left arm around my shoulder, and kissed me, pushing his tongue into my mouth, pressing me back on the sofa.
"I was so utterly shocked, I pushed him away. All I wanted was for the last 10 seconds to be erased."
Abedin writes that the senator seemed surprised but apologized and said he had "misread" her "all this time". As she considered how to leave "without this ending badly", she writes, the senator asked if she wanted to stay.
"Then I said something only the twentysomething version of me would have come up with—'I am so sorry'—and walked out, trying to appear as nonchalant as possible." …
Abedin later followed up that she did not consider it sexual assault (and also that the senator was someone she "knew and … was very comfortable with"), and I think that's right: An unwanted open-mouthed kiss, generally isn't considered sexual enough to be sexual assault. (California law, for instance, defines misdemeanor "sexual battery" as touching "the sexual organ, anus, groin, or buttocks of any person, and the breast of a female" "against the will of the person touched, … for the specific purpose of sexual arousal, sexual gratification, or sexual abuse.")
At the same time, this did make me wonder: Is this indeed something that should be seen as at least improper behavior (whether or not illegal), or just as a nonculpable misreading of the signals that led to an awkward situation? My general sense of "the rules," at least back when I was dating in the mid-1980s to early 2000s, was what one might call "gradual escalation": Some degree of acquaintance (could be very short, if the meeting was in certain kinds of contexts) and conversation, followed by kissing, followed by more touching, followed by undressing, followed by sex of various sorts; instead of asking for overt permission, one of the parties (usually the man, but could be the woman) would try the next step, and then see if that was rebuffed.
Skipping steps (e.g., kissing a total stranger, touching breasts without kissing or something like that in between, etc.) was bad, trying a rebuffed step (in the absence of some indication of greater interest) was bad, but merely trying the next step and learning that it wasn't wanted was seen as potentially awkward but not reprehensible. If you want to map this to the legal rules, one might think of (say) kissing someone after what you thought was an interaction that reflect some interest as involving a known risk that the kiss wouldn't be welcomed, but in context it wasn't seen as a "substantial and unjustifiable risk" and thus wasn't what the criminal law would call "reckless."
I personally liked the idea of more express consent; I don't think much would be lost in life if that were the norm in romantic contact and not just in appellate briefing. My sense, though, is that just was quite far from the custom.
But that was just my recollection, so I decided to ask several close female friends of mine, whom I've known for decades, for their thinking on the subject; with their permission, I quote their responses. They are obviously not a random sample of the population. But I can confidently say that they are intelligent, thoughtful, educated, independent women, who I expect have found themselves the object of romantic interest from a considerable number of people, and whose judgment I much respect. They are also a politically and professionally mixed group (though with lawyers overrepresented, of course), and they have a mix of marital statuses: married, divorced, and never married.
Here are their answers, lightly edited and excerpted, using numbers instead of names for privacy reasons:
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