Rand Paul

10 Rand Paul #Festivus Insult-Tweets That May Amuse and/or Bemuse You

The senator begins his annual Airing of Grievances by dropping #sickburns on his rivals.


Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky) may soon find himself relegated to the kid's table at the next

For the rest of us.
SteelCitySkeptics/Gage Skidmore

Republican Presidential Debate, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't have a lot of problems with you people!

For the 3rd consecutive year, Paul commemorates the Seinfeld-ian holiday known as Festivus with a ceremonial airing of grievances over Twitter. In previous years, Paul would take out his frustrations on overreaching protectionist government regulations, but this year he led off by taking aim at his fellow presidential hopefuls.

with you people i got a lot of problems

Paul led off by schooling Donald Trump, fresh off of SchlongGate, on his clumsy deployment of faux-Yiddish:

A decent joke as well as a sick burn, considering this whole exercise is inspired by a show that frequently employed Yiddish colloquialisms which the billionaire from Queens should be better versed with than the eye doctor from Kentucky. Unfortunately, Paul quickly went full "Jerk Store" with this tortured reference to Trump's discontinued Macy's clothing line:

The quality of the rest of the insult-grievances reside somewhere between those two. Paul's dig on Ted Cruz's Canadian birth and early childhood pokes fun at his own nativism as well as the Birther-wing of the Republican Party.

Another halfway decent tweet, which all right-thinking Americans can get behind, tweaks Governor Chris (Rah-Rah New Jersey) Christie's bizarre lifelong devotion to the Dallas Cowboys:

It's always the season to mock failed economic philosophies:

Paul's knock on "absentee" Marco Rubio's salary fits in nicely with Paul's traditional Festivus tweets against government waste:

And a bit of a human moment, to mourn the loss of Lindsay Graham, who recently exited the GOP Presidential clowncar:

Things took a turn for the lame with a truly unfunny and sexist knock on Hillary Clinton's bathroom break during last Saturday's debate, inexplicably tying Carly Fiorina into the action (which Fiorina demonstrated her apparent approval of with a retweet):

There were a couple of throwaway knocks on the well-noted low energy styles of two candidates. In the case of Jeb Bush:

And for Ben Carson:

Paul has since dispensed with the Don Rickles impression and is now directing attention to airing grievances over specifically absurd examples of government waste (Testing golf clubs in space! Rich people in public housing! A televised cricket league in Afghanistan!) while promoting his annual "Waste Report" and, of course, passing around the tip jar to help keep his waning presidential campaign alive.

NEXT: Cornell's Insane Christmas Decoration Rules: No Santa Claus, Holly, or Trees with Bows

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  1. Some of those tweets are gold, Jerry! GOLD!

  2. Those knocks on Jeb! and Carson were solid.

  3. Also, it also that Tony here has been spending too much time with Rico. Those tweets are ‘lame’? ‘unfunny’? ‘throwaway’?

    1. *it appears that

  4. “Things took a turn for the lame with a truly unfunny and sexist knock on Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during last Saturday’s debate, inexplicably tying Carly Fiorina into the action (which Fiorina demonstrated her apparent approval of with a retweet):”

    That tweet wasn’t sexist because the whole point is that the bathroom thing wasn’t because Hillary is a woman.

    1. I mean, do I really have to explain the joke? Okay – after Bathroomgate, Hillary’s proxies were claiming that people mocking her were being sexists because all jokes at Hillary’s expense are sexism. Paul’s joke was about the fact that the OTHER woman in the race has never had this problem, hence it is not mockery because Hillary is a female but mockery based on Hillary’s PERSONAL actions.

      Somehow, this was magically transmogrified through the mystic Cosmotarian Make All Things Bigoted transformer into a sexist comment about women.

      1. I’m not a Romney fan, but I think that might be the same filter they used to make him look sexist with the “binders full of women” thing.

      2. @CarlyFiorina has ZERO trouble making it back from commercial breaks @HillaryClinton. Just saying. #Festivus #waronwomensrooms

        How can you possibly try to defend this clearly sexist and therefore totally lame and unfunny tweet. He is making fun of a woman using the bathroom! I think that’s the sexist part. Look, I don’t really know what makes this tweet sexist. However, I do know that all that matters is the perception of the joke. Your explaining what the joke actually is does not diminish the anguish experienced by those who read this unfunny, lame and sexist tweet. I bet you also don’t think that buildings bearing the name “Lynch” are offensive to black folks.

        1. Ladies do not go to the bathroom.

          They powder their nose.

          1. That applies to Hillary how?

            1. The thought of the Hildabeast dropping a massive deuce is something that one can’t unsee

              1. Int,

                Thanks for the class. I didn’t realize how much this comment thread needed it.

          2. Hillary is no lady.

        2. All blank wants for Christmas is a sense of humor.

          1. Says the guy that clearly didn’t get Blanks joke. (Sarcasm is hard)

        3. Sorry, I was halfway into excoriating you with a reply, when the sarcasm hit me.

          You do an excellent impression of the average internet commentard.

        4. Yeah, Rand didn’t have to go there. Leave the awkward distasteful humor to Trump.

      3. And to the blogger, unbunch your panties. It was funny (and clearly not sexist).

      4. As a woman, I want my bathroom exploits to have the same opportunity for humor as any man’s

        1. Wait, there’s another one?

      5. I just always assumed that Hillary had to drop a deuce and didn’t want anyone recording her grunts and plops.

      6. Grandma was really drinking vodka while pretending to be in the bathroom. Then she probably got a buzz and couldn’t remember which way to go to get back to the stage. Like a elderly alcoholic Spinal Tap moment.

  5. I never liked the show,I do not find narcissists funny.

    1. Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!

      1. Dude, his wife recently passed away!

        1. Do you think that’ll stop him?

    2. I don’t want behavior traits I find objectionable in my comedy. Good comedy is based on words that are similar, and people falling down.

      1. I don’t approve of clumsiness, so ‘people falling down’ is out, too.

        1. Agreed, clumsiness is offensive. It’s just puns now.

      2. Yes, as long as it’s someone else falling down. If I fall down, it’s a grave tragedy and I must be consoled with cchocolate chip cookies

        1. *-c , also don’t make fun of my stutter

    3. But are you the master of your domain?

      1. I’d be willing to bet that he doesn’t have hand.

    4. You should check out It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. That might be more to your taste.

  6. I find rand’s tweeting more distasteful than his latefound anti-immigrant bashing.

    I can stomach some right-wing pandering, but this diluted pap passing as “humor” is an embarrassment. I should have stopped as soon as Nick noted that it was all going downhill following the “Kvetch” high-point.

    1. The kvetch comment was ‘meh’, some of the later ones were far funnier.

    2. Anthony Fisher wrote this.

      1. I should be excused due to Nick and Anthony’s very strong-likeness with one another.

        1. All GILMORE wants for Christmas is an attention span.


  7. I’ll admit, i snorted at the Carson one.

    1. I didn’t get that far.

      1. It makes up for some of its predecessors.

  8. Thought: if Rand gets relegated to the so-called kids’ table at the next debate, he should drop out and concentrate on the senate.

    1. He paid for a KY caucus, he has to last that long.

      1. did he?
        Where is the news he paid?

        1. Here’s a pretty good explanation.

          TBH: I didn’t know about this until robc posted his comment.

      2. KY caucus? Sounds like a lemon party.

    2. If he concentrated on somehow knifing that shitbird McConnell, I’d throw him a few bucks.

  9. The Carson one is gold.

  10. So if Rand wins the presidency, will the National Christmas Tree be replaced by just a plain metal pole?

      1. There is nothing left TO cut.

        1. “There is nothing left TO cut.”


    1. I look forward to the presidential ‘Feats of Strength’.

      “It’s a Festivus miracle!”.

      1. Maybe he can smash the budget with one hand.

    2. National Christmas trees aren’t in the Constitution.
      You want a Christmas tree? Have a private corporation plant one on the privatized Ellipse in DC (that they bought at auction).

  11. I find these funny and starting to think that maybe Rand is just the guy I’d most like to have a beer with.

    1. I can think of a few with whom I’d like to have a drink, for no other reason than to recreate the cranberry juice scene from The Departed.

    2. I’m sure staffers wrote them. He would probably be an interesting guy to chat with though on several levels, but mostly for being a sort-of libertarian in the Senate/near levers of power. But I think you’re saying he doesn’t seem uptight, which I guess is true since he published them, and that “may the 4th be with you” thing too. It’s definitely the least clumsy attempt to appeal to the youth from a politician.

  12. $875,000 for Afghani cricket.

    I have heard that one reason a lot of Pakistanis and Afghans like to fight is because they are essentially bored men.

    1. “I have heard that one reason a lot of Pakistanis and Afghans like to fight is because they are essentially bored men.”

      One of my favorite pieces by The War Nerd = India vs. Pakistan = Too Faggy For Real War

      “I used to live next to a housefull of Pakistanis in Santa Ana. They were all brothers or cousins or something and ran this pirate cab company, and they fought non-stop ? but I never saw a single punch thrown. It was this weird Pakistani style of fighting: they’d yell for hours before they escalated to slapping ? weird downward slaps, like elephants hitting each other with their trunks. After a couple minutes of that, they’d each retreat about five yards and look around for automotive parts to throw. They’d keep throwing till they were tired, or till they accidentally hit one of the half-fixed taxis parked in the yard. … When they drew blood on each other they’d cheer, but if they broke a windshield they’d instantly stop fighting and run up to the car moaning and sobbing

      The way those cabdrivers fought is the way India and Pakistan fight… It’s always low-intensity, low-risk skirmishing, like these “mortar duels” the networks keep reporting from Kashmir. Mortar duels are the perfect combat for cowards, because the mortar is a very high-trajectory weapon, so you can fire it over hills and never even see the enemy face-to-face.

      1. I guess mortars are cowardly compared to charging a machine gun nest, but knowing they could rain down on you at any moment has got to do something to your nerves. Plus India probably has some badass Sikhs fighting for them.

        Afghanis probably fight because of blue balls. All the young women are locked up in some Mullah’s grubby harem.

        1. “”I’m not knocking mortars; they can be powerful weapons in the hands of a real army. The East Asians are particularly good with them. A mortar barrage from Chinese or Vietnamese troops is a serious deal. But that’s because East Asian troops take the risk of lugging their tubes right up to the front line, where they can do quick rangefinding and walk their fire right up to the enemy positions.

          The mortar barrages you hear about on the India-Pakistan line are nothing like that. These are from mortars dug in way behind the front line. The aim isn’t really to hit any enemy troops but to make a lot of noise, a lot of chimpanzee-style hooting. At most, they aim at a fixed target already plotted. Like a village. Border villages make great targets, because they’re not going anywhere and can’t fight back. So both armies blow up huts on the other side of the border and kill a lot of livestock.”

          The whole piece is worth a read. The key themes remind me of the piece “Why Arab Armies Lose Wars… namely, how culture influences the way people fight (or don’t, or snipe at each other for 1000 years)

          1. Thanks, I bookmarked them for reading during travel.

          2. Good links and story Gilmore, but read up on some of the Sangin Glacier fighting, not for pussies. Maybe because they both have nukes they keep the fighting contained though.

            I am afraid the Taliban or LiT may someday go too far with the Indians and we’ll get a thermonuke version of the last real war they had. Not going to be pretty.

      2. I fucking HATE mortars.


        1. Mortars are useless without pestles.

          1. +1 har har

    2. Well, there isn’t too much else to do when you’re sitting around on a mountainside watching the opium poppies grow.

  13. “Things took a turn for the lame with a truly unfunny and sexist knock on Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break during last Saturday’s debate, inexplicably tying Carly Fiorina into the action (which Fiorina demonstrated her apparent approval of with a retweet):”

    If you have a problem with a joke about women taking longer in the bathroom, your problem is with reality, not sexism.

    Carly gets it. Why can’t you?

    Just can’t live without signaling “I am a PC nitwit too – really – I’m oh so PC”, can you?

  14. I think of the Republican choices like this:
    Rand Paul: best choice for Prez and buddy to hang with
    Ted Cruz: 2nd best choice for Prez, prob not a lot of fun at parties, but could have an interesting conversation with
    Marco Rubio: 3rd choice for Prez (very distant 3rd). Good optics, maybe we can work with him in changing his WOD stance a little. And buy him a stilsuit for his water problem.
    Chris Christie: Take him to a Giants game (since he is a freaking Cowboys fan). Then push him into the wood chipper.
    Jeb Bush: Have him come over and give speeches at night. As good as a white noise machine and Ambien put together!
    Carly Fiorina: Good role model, ideologically somewhere around Rubio (3rd tier choice for Prez). Definitely WOULD
    Donald Trump: If it is Hillary and Trump, may vote Trump, but I will cut my hand off afterwards.
    Ben Carson: Nice guy, apparently great surgeon. Keep his day job.

    1. +1 ButRacistwiththeBlackGuyLast

  15. Nice:)

  16. I think the slam on Hillory Clinton is very funny. We know she is really in the toilet so often because she is full of shit.

    1. sexist knock on Hillary Clinton’s bathroom break

      It sounds like Reason has gone off the deep end for PC, though I’m sure this was a while ago given some of the writers they employ.

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