Election 2016

Watch Matt Welch at 8 p.m. ET on Stossel's 'Presidential Race 2016'

From Trump to Rand, Hillary to Webb, spending and guns and taxes and drugs and war!

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Lotta horses' asses out there. ||| Fox Business Network
Fox Business Network

Remember how John Stossel earlier this week ranked his presidential candidates of 2016 from best (Rand Paul and Gary Johnson) to worst (Mike Huckabee and Jill Stein)? Well, the Fox Business Network star has a whole show dedicated to discussing the pros and mostly cons of the presidential field tonight at 8 p.m., and I'll be sitting in for the full hour, along with co-panelists Mary Katharine Ham and Ellis Henican.

As part of the typically exhaustive pre-show preparation, the producers over there asked for my own list of best-to-worst 2016 candidates. As my thoughts are a work in progress, and my presidential voting track record highly dubious, I won't share with the whole class here. However, to organize my thinking I did create a bunch of categories that you may perhaps find useful in your own exertions. Here are seven of the 14 I sent:

PEOPLE WHO I WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE PRESIDENT

[redacted]

PEOPLE WHO I WOULD OTHERWISE LIKE TO SEE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, BUT WORRY SOMEWHAT ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE THIS LOOPY WITH THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL

[redacted]

PEOPLE WHO ARE DISQUALIFYINGLY AWFUL ON ECONOMICS/REGULATION, GOOD ON A COUPLE OF PERSONAL-FREEDOM ISSUES, AND WHOSE ELECTION MIGHT BE ENTERTAININGLY CHAOTIC (THOUGH SOON FORGOTTEN IN A BLIZZARD OF CRIPPLING REGULATIONS)

[redacted]

PEOPLE WHO HAVE VERY INTERESTING RECORDS ON GUBMINT/ECONOMY, ARE MOSTLY TERRIBLE ON FOREIGN POLICY, BUT WHOSE BEHAVIOR IN THE CAMPAIGN DISQUALIFIES THEM AS CANDIDATES

[redacted]

PEOPLE WHO—WAIT, WHY ARE THEY RUNNING?

[redacted]

PEOPE WHO ARE ACTIVELY EVIL, AND NEED TO BE STOPPED

[redacted]

PEOPLE WHOSE VICTORY WOULD RESULT IN ME BUYING ONE-WAY TICKETS TO SWITZERLAND FOR MY WHOLE FAMILY, AND NO, I'M NOT EVEN JOKING ABOUT THAT

[redacted]

Reminder: Reason, nearly alone in the world of political journalism, publishes a list of staffer/contributor/fellow-traveler plans to vote before each presidential election (see such exercises 2004, 2008, and 2012, and one handy post encapsulating the staffer-portion of said votes here). 

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  1. Spoiler: the answer to every question is Trump.

    1. God DAMN it, 0x90!

      *rips up ballot – flings in the air*

  2. Matt:
    Dress to astound. I’m hoping it will inspire GILMORE to do an attire review.

    Plus, I hope you have been following the new Bloom County strips. Today’s was extra funny.

  3. Matt is a funny guy.

  4. There is no need to worry about the nuclear football. Cheney had it secretly replaced with an actual football in 2001.

    1. And then Tom Brady deflated it.

  5. I read “Where the Wild Things Are” to my kid last night, and I think it may hold up as some sort of inadvertent allegory for the Trump 2016 campaign. I haven’t worked out all the details yet, but I can tell you my 3-year-old was no goddamn help.

  6. PEOPLE WHO I WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE PRESIDENT

    None. I’m an anarchist. I don’t want anyone to be my ruler.

    PEOPLE WHO I WOULD OTHERWISE LIKE TO SEE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, BUT WORRY SOMEWHAT ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE THIS LOOPY WITH THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL

    None. See above.

    PEOPLE WHO ARE DISQUALIFYINGLY AWFUL ON ECONOMICS/REGULATION, GOOD ON A COUPLE OF PERSONAL-FREEDOM ISSUES, AND WHOSE ELECTION MIGHT BE ENTERTAININGLY CHAOTIC (THOUGH SOON FORGOTTEN IN A BLIZZARD OF CRIPPLING REGULATIONS)

    Pretty much all of them.

    PEOPLE WHO HAVE VERY INTERESTING RECORDS ON GUBMINT/ECONOMY, ARE MOSTLY TERRIBLE ON FOREIGN POLICY, BUT WHOSE BEHAVIOR IN THE CAMPAIGN DISQUALIFIES THEM AS CANDIDATES

    See above, for varying values of “interesting”.

    PEOPLE WHO?WAIT, WHY ARE THEY RUNNING?

    Because they’re probably sociopaths?

    PEOPE WHO ARE ACTIVELY EVIL, AND NEED TO BE STOPPED

    If you run for president because you want the job, the default assumption is this.

    PEOPLE WHOSE VICTORY WOULD RESULT IN ME BUYING ONE-WAY TICKETS TO SWITZERLAND FOR MY WHOLE FAMILY, AND NO, I’M NOT EVEN JOKING ABOUT THAT

    No one. Switzerland? The hell?

    1. Switzerland?.. Fuck that place, it’s probably buried way back in the middle of some backwater continental mountain range with a ton a money, no seaports and a fuck load of ignorant broke-ass neighbors that would love nothing more than to spend the next 10 years on a raping-looting-pillaging spree that would make Attila proud. Except for the fact that those cocksuckers seem to have the reputation of being the the Texas or Idaho of europe,as far as personal armament goes. That and topography. Seriously – Argentina, Chile, NZ, Canadia, Alaska and a few dozen more spring to mind for me. And if you REALLY want solitude and adventure; consider the Kerguelen Islands or South Georgia. Annoying invasive reindeer populations to break up the monotony of a penguin based menu, no neighbors and weather “almost” as good as the Aleutian Islands can claim.

  7. Stossel ranks Jeb! 4th best

    Reason ranks him the same or higher?

    Afterall, Jeb! does have the Divine Right to Rise.

  8. Did Francisco mention he likes Stossel?

    1. I like turtles

  9. Figures.

  10. PEOPLE WHO I WOULD ACTUALLY LIKE TO SEE PRESIDENT

    Someone who will protect us from the evil scourges of things.

    PEOPLE WHO I WOULD OTHERWISE LIKE TO SEE IN THE WHITE HOUSE, BUT WORRY SOMEWHAT ABOUT HAVING SOMEONE THIS LOOPY WITH THE NUCLEAR FOOTBALL

    I worry that someone with access would be hesitant to use it when lives are at stake.

    PEOPLE WHO ARE DISQUALIFYINGLY AWFUL ON ECONOMICS/REGULATION, GOOD ON A COUPLE OF PERSONAL-FREEDOM ISSUES, AND WHOSE ELECTION MIGHT BE ENTERTAININGLY CHAOTIC (THOUGH SOON FORGOTTEN IN A BLIZZARD OF CRIPPLING REGULATIONS)

    Well, this is Democracy! You don’t just get to pick and choose what you like and don’t like! Pick one issue and vote with it!.

    PEOPLE WHO HAVE VERY INTERESTING RECORDS ON GUBMINT/ECONOMY, ARE MOSTLY TERRIBLE ON FOREIGN POLICY, BUT WHOSE BEHAVIOR IN THE CAMPAIGN DISQUALIFIES THEM AS CANDIDATES

    Um, they have to get elected first. So what if they say something misleading or outright dishonest? We know what they’re really going to do.

    PEOPLE WHO?WAIT, WHY ARE THEY RUNNING?

    BECAUSE IT’S A TWO-PARTY SYSTEM. Would you rather see some third party get in there?

    PEOPLE WHO ARE ACTIVELY EVIL, AND NEED TO BE STOPPED

    The Koch Brothers.

    PEOPLE WHOSE VICTORY WOULD RESULT IN ME BUYING ONE-WAY TICKETS TO SWITZERLAND FOR MY WHOLE FAMILY, AND NO, I’M NOT EVEN JOKING ABOUT THAT

    I’m going to Switzerland once America starts letting in all the illegals.

  11. Stossel is a very likable fellow. Just ask Francisco d’Anconia.

  12. Well, i forgot to watch this. I blame Welch, who didn’t bump this post.

  13. I enjoyed your appearance on Stossel. FNC hasn’t been the same since The Independents went off the air. Kennedy’s new show is a-ight, and I dearly love her, but you and Kmele kept her excesses grounded in thoughtful good sense. I don’t care what the idiots at FNC thought: You guys were a great team, complementing and compensating for each other’s strengths and weaknesses. I can’t believe that FNC cancelled The Independents but now runs Strange Inheritance, and often in marathon mode. Hang in there. As Craig Ferguson sang on his series finale: “Keep banging on your drum, and your day will come … and they will hear you.” Some are already listening.

    1. I meant FBN, of course. FNC hasn’t been the same, either, but for a different reason, and it hasn’t been better.

  14. I’ve been remiss in mentioning that I like Stossel.

    Many thanks to those, above, who’ve covered for me.

  15. Stossel’s ‘Presidential Race 2016’

    It’s Happening!!!!

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