"Public Elves": The Absolute Worst Holiday Video Since Santa Claus Conquers the Martians!


The Mercatus Center's Rob Raffety—Reason TV viewers know him as Uncle Sugar—flagged what is surely (read: hopefully) the worst goddamned holiday video you will ever see this Christmas or any other.

Titled "Public Elves," it's a production of OMB Watch, a nonprofit that is dedicated to lifting a veil of secrecy about government—while kissing its ass at the same time.

Just remember: Anything good that happens to you over the next week (such as driving across non-collapsing bridges or eating non-toxic turkeys) is a direct result of government action. And anything bad that happens? Well, that's somebody else's fault.


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    1. Doing some last minute shopping?

      – We know, because we’re tracking your credit card receipts.

      Is Santa coming down your chimney?

      – We’ve already got that Unidentified Bearded Man targeted with a Hellfire missile. Collateral damage should be minimal.

      Looking forward to that turkey dinner?

      – Good, you’d better enjoy it considering how much we’ve inflated the price of food through subsidy programs.

    2. *barf*

      I was just going to defer to Barfman on this on and you had it at the first comment. Nothing else to say really.

  1. Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

    That there are people who believe this fucking drivel is proof that we have some of the dumbest people to have ever lived amongst us.

    1. But I thought it was our ancestors who were morons! Are you telling me the Science isn’t Settled?

      1. +67. Or -33. I’m not sure…

  2. And what happens when bridges collapse, that turkey makes you sick, or that toy chokes your kid?

    1. The government spends more money an passes more laws?

      1. More leeches. The answer is always more leeches.

        1. The science is settled.

    2. that’s cause of austerity and meanies who don;t want to fund sensible safety of course!

    3. And what happens when bridges collapse, that turkey makes you sick, or that toy chokes your kid?

      KKKORPORASHUNZ OMGZ!!!11eleventybillion!!!11!!

      Obviously that would be a sign that we need MOAR REGULASHUNZ to keep us safe from the KOCHTOPUSS.

      1. That, or the elves need their budget increased. Don’t let Boner cut the elves!

    4. What happens is that the EVIL CORPORASHUNS and TEH FREE MARKETZ get all the blame for it.

      1. Ding ding ding!

        Government can NEVER do wrong, even when it does.

  3. Elves are checking our bridges?

    “Sketch it up, you fucking moron, you fucking Leonardo Da Vinci!”

    1. They’re like the house elves in Harry Potter. Slavish servants who enjoy nothing more than catering to our every wish.

      Or that’s what they want you to think.

      1. Listen up knife-ears, get back to work before I feed you to the dogs!

        1. Strangely, our public servants demand many times the level of respect (and benefits!) typically received by House Elves.

          1. If only all it took to free them from their servitude was giving them an article of clothing.

    2. I would think that elves are not physically suited for checking bridges. Maybe they subcontract to the trolls?

      1. Trolls mostly just check the things at the base of bridges.

      2. Which reminds me, trolls have gotten a terrible bad name.

        You can imagine, back in the 14th century, when there were hardly any bridges around, some gang of guys would go to the trouble and expense of building, or even just maintaining, a bridge. And they naturally charge travellers a toll to go over it. It’s a win-win situation. People get a bridge which they need to get from point a to point b, and people have an incentive to build bridges since they can charge a toll. And then you have the 14th century equivalent of a civil engineer having a change to earn some money. It’s a perfect example of a free market solution to building roads and bridges.

        And of course 600 years later, we think of these people as literal sub-human monsters.

        Humans are really total pieces of shit, when you think about it. They think that someone else should just provide them with free roads and bridges. The magic government will just magically make roads appear, and take some money from “the rich”, so they never have to pay for it. And anyone who dares charge a toll is some sort of evil parasite.

        Of Course they hung out UNDER the bridge! Where else would you go when it’s raining? You hang out under the bridge and then jump out when someone comes along and charge them a toll. Duh.

        1. Wow. You just took all the fun out of “Three Billy Goats Gruff.”

          1. Also, the Black Knight.

            1. It’s just a flesh wound.

          2. No, I added fun. Now you can identify with the troll instead.

            1. Several people (and bots) on here do.

  4. Anything good that happens to you over the next week (such as driving across non-collapsing bridges or eating non-toxic turkeys) is a direct result of government action.

    Pagin barfman… Oh hell, I’ll do it myself.


    1. I should peruse the comments before posting next time. Oh well.

      1. There can’t be too much barf on this.

  5. My neighbor used to work at the egg farm nearby, and according to him all the government inspector does is sleep in the corner.

  6. There should be a video about Santa being shot down by a drone after failing to receive FAA clearance.

      1. I would say this is more appropriate.

        1. Nice. I hadn’t seen that one before.

  7. Did Gillespie throw in an MST3K reference?

    1. I thought that Santa Claus conquors the Martians was some wierd movie that the Flaming Lips put out a few years back.

      Or am I confused?

  8. Actually, Nick, this isn’t as bad as either “Pubic Elves” or “Santa Claus Does the Martians.” You obviously don’t get to the movies often enough.

  9. Looter and moocher propaganda designed to protect their own taxpayer funded jobs.

    1. And like the Gorgan, they target children first and foremost with their propaganda.

  10. Guess it’s better than Pubic Elves.

    1. That’s the one about the TSA.

  11. while kissing its ass at the same time.

    This video is more like a tongue in the ass.

  12. All for the rock bottom price of $3.8T/year.

    1. yes, ladies and gentlemen, this government can be yours for a low, low price. Just think of the benefits! And little Johnny! Why he’ll be king of the hill with this new super-sized government.

    2. How did we ever survive on less, like way back in 2001, when spending was only 1.9 trillion per year?

      People must have been starving in the streets and catching salmonella every time they were able to find food.

      1. People must have been starving in the streets and catching salmonella every time they were able to find food.

        I’m surprised you can remember back that far with all of the brain eating, food borne disease back then.

  13. If the government doesn’t do it, it will not get done. If it is actually already being done, only the government can do it right.

    1. Take promotional holiday videos for instance.

    2. No private company could have successfully interned the Japanese, for another instance.

      1. You’d think those Japanese would be grateful for those awesome internship opportunities too, but NO! They just complain that it was unfair to them. That ship has sailed now and we’ve moved on, as a nation, to offering those same great internship opportunities to random Muslims and Arabs.

  14. This feels like it was made in 1955. Well, except for the negroes and the professional women.

    1. But Mom still has to serve dinner.

    2. They could have added a few advisements to brush your teeth and not smoke reefer.

  15. And policemen are Santa’s little head-bashers.

    He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so OBEY!

  16. I threw a sock away last week because I thought I lost it’s match at the laundromat. I found the “missing” sock this morning under my bad. Why didn’t the government stop me from throwing away a perfectly good sock?

    1. Oh, I’m nearly certain there’s a government agency that will see to it you are reimbursed the full replacement value of not only one, but BOTH socks. Fill out form 1b23xxxy2k and submit in accordance with the instructions on the back. Your payment will be sent to you within 6 to 9 months.

    2. I have no good answer for this. For shame, for shame…

    3. Because laundromats are regulated at the state and local level. This is what your mindless devotion to states rights gets you.

    4. I think they tried. You didn’t skip the step where you fill out the sock disposal form and wait the mandated 30 days, did you?

  17. At least Santa Claus Conquers the Martians had Torg, the terrifying robot who turned into a giant toy.

    He’s not in this video because the Consumer Products Safety Commission decided he was too risky.

  18. Someone should make a parody vide where it’s all small businessmen who have been put out of work by regulations, with reminders about who the agencies are that wrote those regulations.

    1. But after they’ve been put out of work, they’re not small businessmen, are they? They become dependent on government assistance.

      Government: breaks legs, hands out crutches.

      Victim: don’t touch my benefits!

  19. But what if I WANT risky toys in my home?
    Like a Glock G-18? Or a new production sports car with 8lb/HP that weighs less than a ton?

    And maybe I want to eat raw European ham this Christmas holiday season.

    1. Then for your crimes of keeping a weapon that could randomly get up and kill someone at a moments notice, as well as your unspeakable crime against Gaia by driving that wasteful gas guzzling sports car instead of a Smart car like all the good enlightened people do, you should be publicly executed after spending the afternoon in the stocks so that random passersby can mock and throw rotten vegetables at you. Clearly you’re a monster beyond redemtion.

    2. Yes, exactly.

      Have a parody video where some kid opens his present and finds out it isn’t bucky balls and is disappointed. And then the dad has to explain how the Consumer Product Safety Comission took them off the market, for his own good.

      1. Oh, he couldn’t afford the bucky balls anyway, because he was jailed for making guitars with the wrong wood, or bottling raw milk, or some such.

  20. “Santa (‘Santy-‘) Claus Conquers the Martians” is (to quote the world-famous Horror Host Mr. Lobo) “not a bad movie, just misunderstood.” Some people need to work on their understanding, already!

    IIRC, this movie marked the first appearance of Pia Zadora and deserves acclaim for that alone! (John Waters fans can see her, all grown up, in the movie version of “Hairspray.”) SCCtM was actually entertaining by intention, which is more than I can say for the paean to government cited by Gillespie in this article.

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