Homeland security

Why is Homeland Security Buying Vehicles for College Cops in Southwest Ohio?


I snapped this picture in my part-time hometown of Oxford, Ohio. Oxford is home to Miami University, best known these days as the alma mater of failed Republican vice-presidential candidate Paul Ryan and bathroom Romeo Ben Roethlisberger of the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sen. Maria Cantwell (D-Wash.) went there and so did President Benjamin Harrison. And Weeb Ewbank.

So why is Homeland Security buying vehicles for college K-9 cops in a small town in southwestern Ohio?

Because it's a colossal waste of money, that's why.

Go here for more details on a solid decade of high costs and low yield.

Go here for more sad tales of wasted DHS money.

And watch "3 Reasons to Kill the Dept. of Homeland Security":


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  1. Oxford is a weird town. You leave the freeway and drive through a cornfield for 45 minutes, then suddenly find the little village.

    Still haven’t forgiven them for the ticket I got there years ago.

    1. It’s a college town in Ohio that is not in Cleveland, Columbus, or Cincy.

      Driving through nothing until you get to the campus is simply not that uncommon for public universities in the Midwest.

      That said this whole thing is so bogus. I graduated from Miami in ’09 and the most dangerous part of the campus is your girlfriend not getting into the right sorority on Black Monday.

      Or the cops that tazed and killed a graduate a few years ago who was visiting and got shitfaced outside of the bars


      Otherwise this is as safe a campus of its size (16k undergrad) that you could ever find

  2. Why? Because if they didn’t hand out pork, how could they get enough Congress creatures to vote to fund them every year.

  3. From teh Wiki: The Cradle of Coaches is a nickname given to Miami University in Oxford, Ohio for producing star football coaches including Earl Blaik, Paul Brown, Woody Hayes, Bill Arnsparger, George Little, Weeb Ewbank, Sid Gillman, Ara Parseghian, Bo Schembechler, John Pont, Carmen Cozza, Bill Mallory, Jim Tressel, Joe Novak, Ron Zook, Dick Crum, Paul Dietzel, William Narduzzi, Randy Walker, John Harbaugh, Gary Moeller, Larry Smith, Dick Tomey, Sean Payton and Terry Hoeppner.

    There’s a lot more than Rapelisburger that came through Miami, Nick.

    1. So sad for Ben that on his return game they lost to the Chargers. So sad.

    2. More than any other university in Ohio, it looks like.

    3. Thad Matta was also and asst. basketball coach with Charlie Kohls back in the 90’s under Herb Sendek.

  4. You gotta spend money to make steal more money.

  5. It’s also P.J. O’Rourke’s alma mater.

    1. My very thought. And also the home of Beta Theta Pi, Phi Delta Theta and Sigma Chi.

  6. It’d be harder to go through a day without seeing a “Project Funded By The American Recovery and Reinvestment Act” sign than a day with one. Unless, of course, you’re trapped in Warty’s basement.

    1. Not even there. He got stimulus funding to remodel his dungeon. Had to put a sign up as a condition of the grant.

      1. I assume that means anyone who finds themselves chained up in Warty’s basement has given implicit consent for any activities occurring there since the dungeon was partially paid for by our duly elected representatives.

        1. You assume correctly. You’d be surprised at how rigorously Warty adheres to common rape law. He has multiple lawyers on retainer for consultation.

          1. He has multiple lawyers on retainer

            From the firm Albeit, Caveat & Fuck, I’m guessing.

            1. Yes. That’s also the firm NutraSweet uses.

        2. Yes. That would be the Serial Killer, Kidnapper and Rapist Support Act of 2009.

  7. Nick, you’re missing the obvious fact that that K-9 vehicle has the potential of carrying a dog that is trained to sniff out explosives (instead of the pot sniffing mongrel currently pissing in the backseat). And we all know terrorist want to bring bombs into Oxford, Ohio, and blow up Miami University, right? Because what could possibly make a bigger statement in favor of Islam than blowing up Ben Roethlisberger’s alma mater?

    1. Because what could possibly make a bigger statement in favor of Islam than blowing up Ben Roethlisberger’s alma mater?

      Well, “Roethlisberger” does sound suspiciously, you know, Jewish.

    2. Would you say that STEVE SMITH is Ben Roethlisberger’s spirit animal?

      1. GAH! That would be one horrible sweat lodge visit.

      2. Roethlisberger is a Weresasquatch. On the full moon he becomes STEBEN RAPESMITHBERGER.

  8. One of my college roommates grew up Oxford. He said there was a vending machine (cigarette, I think) on campus that would dispense as a single purchase; a pack or rolling papers, a book of matches and two small wire screens. That would have been in the late 1970s.

  9. Homeland Security are in place to become the shock troops for the heavy government crowd, depending on how far liberalism goes. The shirts are blue at present, tomorrow perhaps brown.

  10. Is this a trick question?
    Will the wrong answer place me on a watch list?

  11. It’s my brother’s alma mater too. First time I got drunk was at a party at the ATO house, October 1983. We drank shitty beer, and then went to a Yes concert on campus. It was an awesome show, and the encore was like a 20 minute version Starship Trooper. The whole lighting rig unfolded and slowly descended onto the stage, resembling a spaceship. Each musician performed a solo as they one-by-one walked up the ramp into the spaceship. At the end, the ramp closed, and the spaceship flew away. It was awesome.

  12. My son is a junior there. There is general consensus, apparently, among the students that the university cops there are a special breed of asshole.

  13. Hey Nick, I thought I was the only one stranded in Ohio.

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