Michelle Obama

USDA's School Lunch Reforms Earn an "F" from Students

First Lady Michelle Obama and a host of "experts" were wrong about the USDA's new school lunch rules. Is there another way?


January 2012 saw the release of new USDA school lunch rules, crafted in the wake of the passage of the Healthy and Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010. The new rules were meant to do everything from combating obesity to educating kids about healthier food choices.

The rules add more fruits and vegetables to USDA-provided school lunches in public schools; cap salt, fat, and calories; and replace white flour with whole wheat flour. The new rules also added to the cost of school lunch.

Supporters heaped praises on the new rules after their release.

First Lady Michelle Obama, who "championed" the rule changes, claimed they would make sure "our hard work [as parents is not] undone each day in the school cafeteria."

Margo Wootan, director of nutrition policy at the Center for Science in the Public Interest, gushed the new rules were the "best ever."

The headline to New York University Prof. Marion Nestle's Atlantic column on the new rules, which she claimed had been met with "near-universal applause"? "The USDA's New School Nutrition Standards Are Worth Celebrating."

But all the hype and purported unanimous support seemed perfectly implausible to me.

As I wrote in Reason back in May, even "with new rules set to take effect in the coming months, I'm not optimistic that the quality of school food is likely to change anytime soon."

Instead of relying on USDA school lunches, I urged families instead to opt out and send kids to school with a brown bag lunch.

Why the pessimism? I wondered how a backwards federal agency beholden to the special interests it promotes and subsidizes could fashion meals for America's schoolkids that 1) don't continue to contribute to childhood obesity, 2) contain little or no so-called junk food, 3) provide enough food to that segment of kids for whom the school lunch might be their only meal of the day, and 4) cater to the unique tastes of each of America's 40-million or so school-age kids. 

Impossible, right?

Earlier this month, the start of the school year around the country gave the new rules their first test. Results have not been pretty.

Seventy percent of students at one Wisconsin high school boycotted USDA school lunches. As one student at the school told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, the changes have meant the food is "worse tasting, smaller sized and higher priced."

Across the country in Connecticut, a student petition protesting the smaller portion sizes resulted in the school district abandoning the rules after "only a few days."

Even in schools where this sort of open insurrection isn't yet evident, some reports show students are voting against the new USDA rules with their parent-provided dollars.

"At one recent lunch at the McCook Junior High, students cheerfully grabbed an orange or apple as part of their lunch," writes Lorri Sughroue in an optimistically titled piece, "No Food Fight Here: Students Adjust to New School Lunches," that appeared in the McCook (Nebraska) Daily Gazette this week. 

"But afterward," continues Sughroue, "a long line of kids formed at the 'Snack Bar,' which sells cookies, pretzels, potato chips and Powerade."

Sughroue also quoted Sodexo employee Diana Gull, who observed, "There's a line [at the Snack Bar] until the bell rings, it's non-stop."

The rules have also meant other headaches, including barring kids from customizing their USDA school lunches. Don't want cheese on your tacos, Junior? Tough.

So what is one to conclude about the new USDA rules and they way they're being implemented?

Just weeks into the new school year, it appears that the new rules largely treat every student as if they're obese, and that it is the USDA's position that fewer animal products and more fruits, vegetables, and whole grains will help them shed the necessary weight.

I'm not a nutritionist. But putting millions of growing, hungry schoolkids on a restricted diet—from student-athletes to needy kids who may count on the school lunch as "their best, and perhaps only, meal of the day"—under the guise of a Healthy and Hunger-Free Kids Act—seems like dangerous doublespeak.

Others agree. In New York, certified nutritionist Kim Thompson told WKTV she now "recommends that student athletes bring extra food to school or buy extra food in the cafeteria."

Kansas school superintendent Suzan Patton, meanwhile, informed the Pratt Tribune, "It's not addressing the needs of the kids that are healthy." Furthermore, she said, "One size fits all is not meeting all the needs."

Some prominent National School Lunch Program supporters also appear to be qualifying their support. Bettina Siegel, perhaps best known as the driving force behind the removal of so-called pink slime from school lunches and elsewhere, writes that school lunch portion sizes now show "clearly we have a problem"—it may be that they're now too small.

So what can families do? As I did here back in May, I'll again pitch my nonprofit Keep Food Legal's new project, Opt Out of School Lunch. While you'll find more details at our website, our suggestion boils down to this: Brown bag it. For those students whose families are unable to afford making lunch every day, we urge businesses and schools to work together with these families to find tasty and healthy solutions.

Unlike CSPI's Wootan, NYU's Nestle, and First Lady Michelle Obama, I don't pretend to know what the government should be feeding your children. What I do know is that you should be feeding your own children to the greatest extent and to the best of your abilities.

Don't give your child a dollar and hope they eat what you want them to eat. Send them to school with the food you want them to eat.

By taking part in the USDA's National School Lunch Program charade, you're wrongly endorsing the agency's policies and joining those "celebrating" its "best ever" reforms. The USDA may not be able to do better than that. But you can.

NEXT: Spain Sets the Stage For a Bailout

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  1. I don’t understand why schools are feeding kids in the first place. I grew up in Canada, early 80’s, and school lunch meant Star Wars lunch boxes, dukes of hazzard, MorkMindy;. Thermos soups and jello, always some gross kid with PBTuna; or something…

    1. no ampersands allowed?

      1. Nope. It filters them out.

          1. Win.

            I bet Hussein I’s wife was responsible for the Ampersand Prohibition. We must rebel.

            1. Ampersands are a gateway punctuation to less-than signs.

      2. Welcome to hell.

    2. Because parents are retarded serfs who couldn’t possibly feed their kids properly. Emperor Hussein I has to step in with his disciples to solve the problem.

      What, you want your kids to be fatasses? No? In that case, bend over and take it in the ass from the feds. Or else.

    3. How are you supposed to offer a reduced/free lunch program without serving lunch? Duh.

    4. Hell yeah. I had a sweet Dukes of Hazard lunch box.

    5. The National School Lunch Program has been a big part of the American welfare state since the sixties, though it has been expanded beyond its Great Society origins. If you think the The National School Lunch Program is a hoot you’ll really get a kick out of the School Breakfast Program.

      Why does Canada hate its children so much that it won’t give them school breakfasts and lunches?

      1. Oh, there is even more than that. Just this year, or last, the Feds started providing “healthy” snacks between meals, too.

        When I asked my sister, a kindergarten teacher of 19 years, why they needed snacks after being fed breakfast and lunch and she replied that some of her students would tell her that they were Starving! Yes, one of the imbeciles that we call public school teacher thinks that because a 5 year old says they are starving they must be fed, immediately.

        They also send food home with the children over the weekend! A parent can’t be expected to go out and spend their food stamps, after all.

        1. Did you just call your sister an imbecile?

          If so, respect.

          1. She is a year younger than I am and I love her. Unfortunately, she has been assimilated by the public school borg and no longer has a brain.

            1. If you have any mercy in you, Gill, you’re going to have to cut her head off. It’s the only way.

              Would you want to live like that?

    6. I went to school in Canada in the late 70s and early 80s as well. I had a cup of The Fonz and a Superfriends lunch box.

      90% of the high school was Italian. Imagine the lunches. It was crazy. Needless to say, the cafeteria restaurant wasn’t all that busy except for the 10%.

      There’s nothing Michelle can teach me about food. Nothing.

  2. So the feds passed more shit into law, and a cataclysmically fucked-up federal agency charged with enforcing the aforementioned shit makes the world a little worse, once again. Who the fuck could have predicted that?

    Fuck the Emperor’s wench, fuck the USDA, fuck the administration, and fuck government-supplied food. Fuck it sideways.

    1. Fuck yeah!

    2. At least you didn’t say cunt.

  3. Kansas school superintendent Suzan Patton, meanwhile, informed the Pratt Tribune, “It’s not addressing the needs of the kids that are healthy.” Furthermore, she said, “One size fits all is not meeting all the needs.”

    I have a solution so obvious that it’s elegant. Or so elegant that it’s obvious. Multiple lunch lines with entrance doors of differing sizes! If the kid can squeeze his ass through the skinny door, he gets more chow. If he has to use the wider door, he gets access to the line with the Michelle Obama-approved cuisine.

    1. Have a high calorie meal but serve it in a separate room. To get into the room, the kid has to do five pullups. Any fat ass that can’t do it, can graze in the diet room.

      1. nice

      2. And if you don’t fit into the school-issued pants, you don’t wear pants. How’s that for embarassing, fattie!

        1. Reminds me of the chow hall in basic. The fat boy breakfast actually had more food and calories than the regular one. Discovering that was a great day.

          1. “We got a fat body, here”

            1. Not there. Even the fatties were losing weight. And for everyone else, let’s say it was the closest I’ve seen to a camp. Guys eating butter pats, chugging milk, even sucking salad dressing packets to get a couple of extra calories.

              1. About mid-way through Boot Camp I was literally starving. I started grabbing yogurts from the salad line when the DI’s weren’t looking. I could empty a Dannon in 2 big scoops in about 3 seconds.

    2. So she is realizing that a one size fits all food program run out of Washington is not working, what next will she also realize that a one size fits all education program run out of Washington will also not work. And from there its a slippery slope to realizing that Washington causes more problems then it solves.

    3. You know who else used different entrances depending on a person’s fitness?

      1. Jeff Dahmer?

    4. Grind up the fat ones for Soylent.

    5. It’s biblical too. “Strive to enter through the narrow gate”

      1. Oh, in that case, schools can’t do it.

    6. But some kids are fat because of a glandular* condition; it would be a Social Injustice to limit their food choices based on something they can’t help.

      *Ie, salivary glands.

  4. “One size DOES fit all!! Obey!” – The She Wookie

    1. Put on your Obamaralls!

    2. Sheesh, some people can’t tell the difference between a Klingon and a Wookie. Look at the fucked up forehead. Do Wookie foreheads bulge out like that? No, that bitch is Worf, straight up.

      1. You’re just saying that cuz she’s black. RACIST!

  5. I grew up on government school lunches (I was one of the kids that school lunch was my major meal). I became a master negotiator with kids who brought their lunch from home. It amazes me that according to the article school lunches have “gotten worse”. How is that possible? I couldn’t even identify half of the crap I was served and it’s worse now? OMG!? The only thing I can say in support of school lunches is that it encouraged me to become a self-sufficient adult who (as a result of eating school lunches) can probably survive a zombie apocalypse because I can eat all manner of stuff that other people would turn their noses up at.

    1. Ah yes, rectangle “pizza” with “sausage”, “chicken” patties and “beef stroganoff.”

      1. I liked rectangle pizza.

      2. Breadtangle pizza!

      3. Two words:



    2. My kid complains about school lunch all the time.

      Imagine all the crap they gave us – now made out of cardboard tasting whole wheat.

  6. If I remember correctly (and that’s hard the older I get) it was the wealthier kids that bought the school lunches and us less wealthy kids – probably with a couple of siblings in school – whose mom made bag lunches because it was cheaper than giving us each 35 cents for
    the school lunch. Of course, at lot of the older kids handed 35 cents skipped lunch and bought smokes instead.

    1. You must come from the Mirror universe, because in my experience, only the po’ kids would eat school lunch. (Pizza Friday was an exception). The upper middle class kids would have lunches that would have made a bored Japanese housewife green with envy.

      1. Nope, late 50’s suburban East Coast middle class community.

        1. So, the Mirror Universe.

    2. at lot of the older kids handed 35 cents skipped lunch and bought smokes instead.

      35 cents? You are ancient.

      1. Heh. Yep. I remember being outraged when smokes went from 50 cents to 65 cents.

  7. Kansas school superintendent Suzan Patton, meanwhile, informed the Pratt Tribune, “It’s not addressing the needs of the kids that are healthy.”


    The new lunches are pretty much actively harmful to kids who aren’t fat bags of shit.

    1. Exactly. If this had been in place when I was in high school, I would’ve starved to death. I was a member of the varsity swim team, swam around two miles a day (at racing speeds), and burned through at least 10,000 calories; while simultaneously fending off the guidance counselor (who never bothered to read my record) who was convinced I was anorexic because I was 5’6″ and only weighed 105.

      1. You really should post some pix plz thx bye if you’re going to say this. Just saying. Only we can be the judge. I was on the swim team as well, and our ladies swim team had amazing bodies. Considering what we have around here–I mean, look at FoE–we could use some beauty.

        1. Fist is a beautiful thing, if you put a bag over its head.


        2. Don’t know if this will work but
          here .
          I’m the kneeling chick in the red scarf.

          1. Aww, pics of STEVESMITH and Warty’s wedding. I cried that day, really.

            1. You know, that’s not that far off what’s going on in that picture. It was the coronation of Ogre as King of the Naked People.

              1. So the king of the naked people isn’t naked?

                [Snort] Kinda like how our kings don’t have to follow the rules either.

                1. That was a funny/haha snort, not a I just did a line of coke snort, by the way.*

                  *In case Banjos is wondering what I’m doing while she’s out of town.

                2. It’s the emperor who wears no clothes. Haven’t you ever taken an American history class, like ever, or something.


            2. Also. Sean the Irish Bastard! Is that you? I remember you were a bit misty that night.

              1. I’m color blind, but I guess kneeling is clear enough, though the picture is not. That looks like the precursor to a druid orgy. I think you need to explain the situation.

                1. She’s a pagan priestess, I think druid orgy is a given.

                  1. Well, she looks plenty cute, though the other participants do not.

                    1. Okay, druid orgy is mostly correct.It IS a pagan ritual. The big fat guy with leaves festooned on him behind me is playing the Oak King and the large lady in full length robes is playing the Mother. The four thinner girls are playing Elemental Spirits, (I am Fire). The weird guy with a white cap on his head in the back is in a human penis costume. Not pictured is the lady playing the Maiden (she was wearing a leather bikini and hauling 9 young men wearing leather loin cloths around by leashes), or the lady playing the Crone who was wearing a black hooded gown.GREAT party.

                    2. I once tried to start a pagan hiking club. It didn’t really work out, seeing as how most pagans are too fat to hike.

                      Just saying.

    2. The new lunches are harmful to the fat bags of shit, too.

      You may not like the fact that a kid is overweight, but he is going to need more calories during the school day BECAUSE he is a fat bag of shit. Ask any successful dieter – reducing calories without exercise will only reduce muscle mass and make one feel fatigued.

      Most of the fat kids in my school were the higher academic achievers. Don’t feed them enough and they’d fall asleep and their grades would suffer. Seems like modern public schools try to do everything they possibly can for/to kids except make them achieve academically.

      I remember working on a “team” project at school with one of the fat brainy kids – we had to get to school early once so my mom and I had to pick him up at home. This kid was picked on mercilessly by most of the other kids but he never gave a shit about it. When we picked him up that day, I knew why – the kid’s weight was the LEAST of his problems. Basically, this kid’s home life was so horrible getting picked on at school was a relief in comparison.

      If this were today, the kids would be fat, picked on, and have a social worker assigned to him so that his home life would be even worse and he wouldn’t have time for decent academic achievement.

  8. If it’s costing parents three dollars a day to buy their kids’ lunches at school (that seems a reasonable figure), then they could take that weekly fifteen dollars, add a little more to it, and buy some good food at the market to make for their kids. It’d be easy, probably.

  9. The strategy behind the new lunches appears to be:

    If we just make the lunches as revolting as possible, the kids won’t eat them. If they don’t eat lunch, they’ll lose weight. Win!

    Except for the fact that the kids who aren’t fat bags of shit don’t need to lose weight, so fucking them on lunch doesn’t help them, it hurts them.

    1. One could argue that even if the kids aren’t fat now, they need to develop healthy eating habits now so they don’t suddenly balloon up when they turn 25 and their metabolism slows down.

      1. Except they aren’t necessarily teaching good eating habits, they’re teaching what is recommended by nutritionists who refuse to acknowledge any research from the past ten years.

        Why do kids need a low-salt diet, for crying out loud?

  10. BTW, what’s up with this “nothing but whole wheat flour” nonsense?

    Is there really any basis for that whatsoever other than, “Cause it sounds like it’s healthier”? Or “Since it tastes worse, it must be better for you!”

    I fail to see the point of giving kids hot dogs but then putting them on whole wheat buns. You haven’t made it healthy; you’ve just made it stupid. Some things are made with white flour because it’s fucking stupid to use anything else.

    1. I used to do side jobs with my uncle and he would buy a hot dog from 7/11 and change the white bun with a slice of wheat bread. Being 14 at the time I thought it was the stupidest fucking thing in the world.

    2. Apparently it’s more nutritious. That article doesn’t really go into very much depth, but I believe it also has more fiber, as a result of including the outer part of the grain, and a lower GI/II/uh thing that causes a more gradual spike in insulin.

      1. Probably depends on what kind of white bread you mean.

        Wonderbread probably hads a high glycemic index.

        An artisanal load of sourdough with rosemary and olive oil, maybe not so much.

      1. Wheat is death.

        They make beer from wheat…so who cares?

        1. I don’t drink beer. I am decidedly a wino.

        2. Wheat is death.
          They make beer from wheat…so who cares?

          Not real beer. Real beer’s made from barley.

          Oh, and, Wheat Is Murder!

      1. That also suggests that a whole wheat is denser and contains more calories per volume.

      2. HM, I don’t see what difference it makes to a farmer what kind of flour you buy. It’s all the same to him. Wheat flour comes from wheat, whether it’s whole grain or refined.

        That said, the school lunch program itself is a handout to farmers. That’s why it’s, like food stamps, is run by the USDA.

        1. HM, I don’t see what difference it makes to a farmer what kind of flour you buy. It’s all the same to him. Wheat flour comes from wheat, whether it’s whole grain or refined.

          Yes, but if you’re baking a loaf of whole grain bread, you need to use more flour per loaf, so the farmer, well the grain mill, sells more flour.

        2. And if it goes rancid faster, you need to buy more often.

          1. These are for school lunches. That does not factor into it. Neither the rancidity nor the cost.

      3. I’ve eaten whole whet bread like a month past the expiration date and it wasn’t rancid or anything, once you cut off the moldy parts.

        1. They are talking abut flour, not bread.

    3. I agree, the whole “white bread” prejudice is a bit overdone.

      Whole wheat is definitely healthier, although it’s mostly just that it’s good for getting fiber in your diet. For some people, fiber may not be that big a deal.

      If you’re an 70 year old with Alzheimers, eating white bread isn’t going matter much. Worry about eating whole wheat if you’re at risk for colon cancer or heart disease. If you’re not, you can probably get away with white bread from time to time.

      1. For some people, more fiber is worse.

        And what’s this business about undoing what Mother makes? We never had whole wheat bread at home. For variety, we had Italian.

  11. I use whole wheat flour for two things: making my own fresh pasta and making my own fresh pizza dough. The former is a given because the naturally higher oil content tends to make a better (and better-tasting IMO) pasta. The latter I do because I like the way the crust cooks a little better than white flour, which tends to remain a little doughy. That could have to do with my recipe, but I don’t think so, as I have had the same experience when I have bought dough balls from the local grocery store (white and wheat at the same time).

    BTW, for you pasta makers out there: next time you’re making your own, use duck eggs as opposed to chicken eggs. And use free-range ones at that. It’s just infinitely better. And by infinitely, I mean infinitely.

    1. To infinity and beyond!

    2. Of course, you make deep-dish pizza, so it really doesn’t matter what sort of flour you use.

      1. You know, Ted, we try to have a serious forum here where important matters are discussed. And aside from comments like this, we mostly accomplish this. Your crude attempt at slandering me was both uncalled-for and irresponsible. Go away, you sheep-fucking Obama fan.

    3. Wait, aren’t free range ducks the ones that migrate?

      1. If that’s a serious question, I’ll answer it: you can have free-range Moscovy, Khaki Campbells or Indian Runners that won’t fly away. The Khaki Campbells are especially good layers (250-300 a year) of nice, big (Jumbo) eggs. The Indian Runners will lay as many, but not as big (Large). The Muscovies will lay Jumbos but not as often (150-200 a year). And you can let them free-range by having them forage for most of their food. They’re great as bug-eaters and will forage on grass, especially alfalfa for a lot of their sustenance.

        If you’ve got Mallards, they won’t lay as many, but they’re a lot richer in protein than some of the others. They will fly, but usually don’t migrate. And if you’re afraid of them leaving, just clip one of their wings.

        1. I apologize if that was boring. I’ve got ducks (17) as well as chickens (42 currently but I’ll be killing a couple tomorrow!).

          1. Kill some ducks, too. I hate them things. Mean fuckers they are.

  12. When will this bitch learn that wookies and humans have different diets?

  13. So, who comes up with all that crazy stuff?


    1. Why don’t you tell us? You sentient little fuck, you.

  14. The “she-wookie” is my current favorite meme.

    1. It makes us look like a bunch of racists and degrades the libertarian brand. It’s like calling women “cunt” on here. I hope you’re all happy living up to the carticature the two party system has of us.

      /Ken Schultz

      1. Whew! Before I got to the signature at the end, I’d thought you lost it. Scared me for a second.

    2. “How you get so big eating food of this kind?”

  15. Less fat basically means more carbs (protein is expensive). In other words, “Michelle Obama gets schools to serve more carbs, claims it will make kids thinner.”

    Maybe this is part of a plan to make our children fatter (by serving less fat and more carbs) and thus less attractive to molesters.

    1. Where’s Steve Smith when we need him?

  16. What I find hilarious from working at an elementary school, the parents that have higher paying jobs than myself, have subsized lunches for their children since their isn’t an income verification for the applicants.

  17. American school-age children are ‘obese’ in record numbers for several reasons;

    1) Various government and medical organizations have been screwing with the definitions of ‘overweight’ and ‘obese’ for the last twenty years or so. Naturally, every time they promulgate another change the obesity stats undergo another startling ‘jump’, one way or the other.

    2) Check out the site “Free Range kids”. Modern children are hemmed in by all kinds of well meaning idiots who panic any time a child is seen anywhere without official adult supervision. Spending all Saturday wandering around ‘the ravine’ the way I did when I was in grade school is Right Out. You can’t tell me that this doesn’t contribute to the resemblance modern children have to packets of suet.

    3) Those few vigorous activities that are still available for children now involve supervision by Adult buttinskis and the wearing of uncomfortable and dorky looking ‘safety’ equipment. Even if a kid has a bicycle, he isn’t supposed to ride it over to Johnny’s house, or to the Mall, and if he does he’s supposed to wear a helmet which means that if he were to get off the bike to go into a store (for example) he has to carry the furshlugginer helmet with him. So he sits on his butt at home.

    I frankly don’t see how school lunches, no matter how wonderful, could do to address these problems.

    1. I was on a trip a while back and went for a run on a Saturday morning around 11 AM. The trail ran through the woods behind a housing development and ended up at a park (baseball, soccer, football, basketball, tennis facilities). Not a single kid in sight. Not playing ball, not riding bikes, not skateboarding, not building forts in the woods…nothing. We would have started playing ball at 8 AM and would have gotten home at sundown. And no, our parents wouldn’t have had any idea where we were ALL DAY LONG. GOD FORBID!

      I think you’re right. Overprotected to the point of not having ANY unorganized outdoor activities.

      1. Our neighborhoods need to switch kids. There are always many noisy, screaming little snot-wagons barreling up and down the street all day long. Every once in a while I’ll stand on the porch in my signature stained wifebeater and scream, “Don’t you fucking kids have playstations? Jesus!”

        1. Get off my lawn!

        2. I’m beginning to think there’s kids living in Schenley Park running in circles all day. Even on school days I’m dodging running kids whenever I walk through there.

          1. Those aren’t kids, they’re trolls.

            One of ’em knocked me off my bike one time.

      2. We would have started playing ball at 8 AM and would have gotten home at sundown. And no, our parents wouldn’t have had any idea where we were ALL DAY LONG. GOD FORBID!

        Sing with me….

        We’ve been livin’ all our lives, livin’ in a pedophile’s paradise.
        I got sodomized once or twice, livin’ in a pedophile’s paradise.

        I keed.

      3. Same thing. We would escape from the house in the morning. And go build a fort in … well, not the woods, but the trees around the margin of the highway. (Which involved dodging fast moving cars to get there).

        We’d illegally climb fences to get into the neighboring apartment complexes pool.

        We’d often do all this barefoot.

    2. Re point #2: They’re not well-meaning. Since we know where such control-freakery leads, it’s not unintentional.

    3. Yeah, I remember, years ago, passing a playground with a sign up that said “No Running” .

      That’s right. They banned running. We can’t have kids exercising their legs, cause they might hurt themselves by colliding with an object or another child or fall down. Heck, they might induce astma sufferers to have an attack.

      I imagine that “tag” is right the fuck out these days.

      1. “Tag” is an othering game, and is therefore banned.

        No child, especially children of color or LGBT children, should ever have to be “it”.

        1. Being “it” is the shiznit tho. “If they catch you they will kill you, but first they must catch you”.

          1. If you’re a lazy kid like I was, being IT was the most fun part of the game. You’re in total control and everyone’s afraid to touch you.

          2. What sort of tag did you play? When I played it “it” had to do the catching.

      2. I imagine that “tag” is right the fuck out these days.

        Decades ago, moving from L.A. to Virginia the first time, I was shocked to find out we were allowed to play tag at school. Touching! and all that, donchaknow.

        1. Fasinating. In all seriousnesss, I do wonder if tag is allowed or not.

          I think of all childhood games Tag’s gotta be the one that involves the most aerobic exercise for children. It’s pretty much non-stop running. And it’s the only one that doesn’t require a ball or any other equipment to play (speaking of inclusiveness and othering and that crap – it’s nice if the poor kid that can’t afford a baseball mitt can play).

          1. We had all sorts of games that only one ball or Frisbee or whatever. Hell, my mitt was from a generation before, and I caught crap for it, but I could also catch balls with it. Made me one hell of a shortstop once I got a real (much-used AA player’s) fielder’s mitt.

            No kidding, we were so poor I got a hand-me-down girl’s bike and my dad epoxied a pipe onto it as a top bar. We knew how to play without much equipment.

  18. ESPN is fucking hilarious. These comments were posted on the story about the former Pirates owner coming out of the closet. Enjoy:

    Bible says the antichrist will be gay man..obama?
    1 fan likes this.
    5 Minutes Ago ? Like ? Reply ? Quote ? Flag

    Tony Romo
    4 Minutes Ago ? Like ? Reply ? Quote ? Flag

    4 Minutes Ago ? Like ? Reply ? Quote ? Flag

    He’s talking about Romney.. Obama’s as straight as they come.
    4 Minutes Ago ? Like ? Reply ? Quote ? Flag

    King Js Divide Conquer
    Tim Tebow
    4 Minutes Ago ? Like ? Reply ? Quote ? Flag

      1. Nothing to get. It just shows that ESPN commentators are a bunch of fucking retards.

        Read a Tiger Woods story sometime for the extra LULZ.

        1. Oh, okay. I thought that I should be looking for something deeper than calling someone you don’t like ‘gay’.

    1. So, Butt Pirates, then? Kind of an obvious joke, but it had to be said.

      Yes, it HAS to.

    1. Wasn’t Romney a cheerleader?

      What does it all mean, man?

    2. I know, right? I was surprised he made an intelligent comment for a change as well.

      1. I like Biden. Not to say that I want him anywhere near the levers of power.

        1. I feel the same way about Bubba. You know damn well he was the guy you wanted to hang with in college.

          1. Or Bush before he found jesus.

            Obama and Romney are straight up weenies, though. I imagine hanging out with their younger versions had all of the fun of multiple root canals.

            1. Well Romney probably had a fun time giving nerds wedgies.

            2. I don’t know. Kicking it with the Choom Gang by some beautiful Hawaiian waterfalls sounds pretty good.

          2. I wholeheartedly disagree. I bet in college he was a douchebag scold. Only after he got power did he start to believe he was able to do whatever he wanted to or with whoever he wanted without consequence.

            I say this because all of his sexual harassment accusations came after he was elected Governor of Arkansas.

            1. Of course it could be that it doesn’t rise to the level of sexual harassment until you’re a prominent government official and we can use it against you. Prior to that, it’s called being a guy.

              I can’t even remember what Jones said he did. Unwanted sexual advances, wasn’t it? Not sure what that even means. If I ask for sex and she doesn’t want it, I’d call that a normal situation.

              1. I think he supposedly exposed himself to her.

                1. He whipped it out and told her to “kiss it”.

                2. That and groping her.

                  And Gennifer Flowers said he basically threatened to kill her after she ended their affair.

              2. Supposedly he also had AR state troopers pulling women over to arrange for sexual encounters.

                1. My best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with the girl who saw Bubba having sex with a goat at 31 flavors last night.

                  I guess he’s pretty bad.

                  1. I KNEW IT!

        2. There was a proposal to make him Vice President for life a few months ago.

          1. Why would they need a vice-President when they plan on making Obama a king in 4 years?

            1. Someone has to go abroad and show the Mongolian wrestlers we’re not afraid of them.

            2. Court Jester?

          2. There was a proposal to make him Vice President for life a few months ago.

            I see what you did there.

    3. Phrasing!

  19. There is no soft wood when cheerleaders are involved.

    1. You never saw the cheer leaders at our school, then….all the hot chicks were on the dance team.

      1. There’s difference between a cheering squad and dance team?

        1. There was at my school. Cheering squad was out during the game, the dance team only came out at half time.

  20. Get off my lawn!

    Or start mowing.

  21. Xenocles, I found you the perfect birthday gift

    1. Not bad, but I need a phone book because my failing memory can’t retain my contacts’ information anymore. I guess little memo books are cheap.

  22. Since this has now (unofficially) become the Saturday open thread, I just want to say that Urban Meyer needs to speed up the tempo on offense. When they play slow and try to get Miller in a pocket passing situation, they fuck up. When they speed it up they have a lot more success.

    Either he’s overthinking things and is trying to hold back his playbook for conference games or Miller fucking sucks in a set offense. I’m thinking it’s the latter.

    1. I don’t follow football…

      …but I’m not gay.

      1. It’s OK, that’s just college football (snort).

    2. Yeah. Two TD’s in 3 minutes. Go uptempo. Go Bukeyes!

      1. Oh. And here’s hoping for some cataclysmic event happening at the ND/scUM game today. Like a blimp crash that wipes out both teams.

        In closing, fuck Michigan and fuck Notre Dame!

        1. I wept tears of joy reading ^^this^^.

      2. See what they’re doing on this drive in the middle of the 4th Quarter? After fucking around all 2nd Half, they speed it up and go 75 yards in about 3 minutes and ram it down their fucking throat.

  23. Michael Bay Will Choose His ‘Transformers 4? Assistant From A Doritos Contest


  24. Braxton Miller is a fucking bum.

  25. You know how some people talk about the good ol’ days, and how polite and courteous the elderly are?

    Well, those people are retarded.

    Turns out that the elderly become immature assholes if they sense their government goodies might get taken away. It’s soylent green time, motherfuckers.

    1. Boomers need to hurry up and die off, greedy self-centered bastards the lot of them.

      1. The people in that audience were not boomers.

        Boomers only became eligible for full social security benefits in the past year. They are a tiny percentage of SS recipients.

    2. As I said below, it seems as if today’s senior citizens prefer fucking their kids in every hole to losing a dime of Medicare funding.

      And the left generally seems as if it would like to watch.

  26. I discussed this article with my 10 year old son, who has often railed against Michelle Obama for “taking away the good cookies” in his school lunch.

    He is 5’1″ and weighs 81 pounds. He is super skinny and has a huge appetite. The school lunch does not contain enough food for him. Plus b/c of the way the schedule is set up, his 5th grade class eats at 10:30am! They are supposed to have snack time around 1pm but there usually isn’t enough time. He is ravenous by the time he gets home at 2:45.

    I usually allow him the choice of school lunch 2x per week (he likes the baked chicken nuggets) and last week he asked me if on those days he could have permission to buy two lunches. Now we have decided to boycott school lunch altogether.

    1. Would it have been in poor taste if I had posted this:

      You should show us a picture of your son and let us decide for ourselves if he’s too skinny.

      /Jerry Sandusky

        1. And yet he did it anyway. It’s this kind of decision making that leads to the tragic loss of mailboxes owned by national heroes.

      1. Not bad. It would have been even better with a joke handle. I propose we start reserving handles like “Jerry Sandusky”, and make the password the same as the name, so we can all use it.

      2. And you think I have poor taste for making a joke about you and deep-dish pizza. Sheesh!

  27. Having taught in the public schools for nearly 25 years, I can say with some certainty that this program is, by and large, a waste of money. It’s mostly mismanaged program with arbitrary rules seemingly designed to give handouts to agriculture and to be a profit center for schools and municipal governments. Many, if not a majority, of the students I know to participate are overweight; they may not be as healthy as possible, but they are not hungry, No matter how many rules are put in place to make the lunch (and breakfast) healthy, they will still be overweight. The program makes the students take all of the food provided and that simply promotes waste. A student is not allowed to turn down part of the meal and only take the part he will eat. The students are provided, in many cases, first class produce that simply gets thrown away. A video of what happens at a typical school with a high level of participation in this program would make even the most liberal person sick. In my estimation, and I have worked in some very low income neighborhoods, most of these kids would not go hungry.

    1. yes. the # health problem amongst the poor is obesity. and the majority of chronic health issues (and costs) are due to chosen behavior -craptastic diet and the choice to smoke.

      at least, that is, according to the CDC. being fat used to be a sign of prestige. “a man with a belly” meant a powerful man. now, you hang out in the rich burbs and the men and women tend to be lean. Spend some time in the hood and obesity is everywhere. libs of course blame stuff like fast food restaurants,tec. but the reality is that people make their choices. and businesses respond to that.

      there are plenty of food programs. you are right. in the US, people are not going hungry due to poverty.

      and in retrospect, almost every shoplift call i have gone on, they are stealing stuff like wine, candy, etc. this could be selection bias, in that the store managers might not call us when it’s some destitute mom stealing baby formula for her kids. but still, just WALK around the hood. obesity everywhere.


      1. Seems to be more prevalent among black women than men.

      2. Probably because WIC et al. don’t cover alky and candy.

    2. Whether the program is a failure would depend on what its true aim was. It has been suggested here that it is another price support for farmers initiative, with feeding the kids a purely secondary aim. The only reason I doubt that is that, if so, it would seem to be working, after a fashion.

  28. As this is now that Saturday open thread, I want to say that… I just want to cry. There hasn’t been a president I thought was halfway decent since George H. W. Bush, which is probably only because it was before I started paying attention to politics.
    Nor will there be for the forseeable future.

    We’ve got a national debt that’s threating us wil an imminent financial fiscal collapse, and the majority of the country appears to be convinced that all we need is a few more huge entitlement programs to fix the problem. Nobody likes ObamaCare, but they’re voting for him anyway, mostly because the Republicans all seem to be retarded evangelical religious bigots. Republicans can’t seem to get any votes by running on a sane platform of fiscal conservatism and entitlement reform.So they run on a mixture of pandering to religious bigots and promising never to cut medicare, and hope that the 5% of people in the middle are smart enough to see through it.

    Everyone just wants their fucking cut of the loot. Old people are selfish assholes who will rape their children in every hole rather than see their medicare payments cut one penny. The government sends everyone checks in the mail right before election day, and the people respond by approving of how the President is doing his job.

    1. The government sends everyone checks in the mail right before election day

      GayJay proposes sending one every month. VOTE LIBERTARIAN PARTY!!!

    2. Bush I was the worst president ever. Then Clinton was the worst president ever and Bush I looked good. Then Bush II was the worst president ever and I missed Clinton. Now BO is making me miss Bush II (seriously).

      I can’t believe there’s a Moore’s Law of Presidential Suckitude, so the pattern has to stop at some point. We would basically need a grossly incompetent avatar of Beelzebub to top Obama.

      1. It’s diffcult to compare Bush II and Obama because they both suck in completely different ways.

        The problem with Bush II was that (A) he was not even a believer in small government, except in the tangential way in which the Republican party is vaguely more in favor of smaller government. Except when it comes to defense contractors. And (B) he was completely incompetent as a commander in cheif at a time when we actually had a serious national security threat. He got distracted by Iraq and then completely fucked up the war until his last year in office.

        By Comparison, the problem with Obama is that he’s TOO competent. It’s just that he believes in horrifyingly awful bullshit. He’s an unabashedly Big Government, Tax and Spend Liberal, of the kind that Republicans used to score point caricaturing all Democrats as. He genuinely believes that government should be the central organizing for of all American life. Thee healthcare bill is atrocious. He’s blowing money left and right on retarded energy susidies, has no plan for reforming entitlements, and has a deficit of 40% of the budget, with no serious plan to reduce it. His campaign runs on sops to identity groups and public sector unions.

        He’s not even trying to hide how he’ll hand out goodies to every Democratic party constituency. He’s running a campaign exactly as if his explicit plan was to make sure that the takens outnumber and outvote the makers.

        1. Thee healthcare bill is atrocious.

          But Thee Headcoats are awesome!

  29. Why is it so hard for people to think logically about food?

    Going back to the most influencial dietary study in history, Ancel Keys’ 1953 “Atherosclerosis: a problem in newer public health,” AKA “The 6 Countries Study.” Keys looked at Japan, Italy, United Kingdom, Australia, Canada and USA. But he also had the same data for Austria, Ceylon, Chile, Denmark, Finland, France, Germany, Ireland, Israel, Mexico, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, Sweden and Switzerland, but didn’t include it. When looking at it all the data shows
    – those who ate more animal fat lived longer.
    – those who ate more animal protein lived longer.
    – those who ate more plant protein died earlier.
    – those who ate more carbohydrate died earlier.

    All of this was available 59 years ago, but people with vegetarian agendas, like Dr. Keys and the Center for Science in the Public Interest pushed their agendas at the expense of the public health.

    1. Yeah, the lipid hypothesis is right up there with global warming.

      1. It’s even worse because we know for a fact that it is wrong. Human caused global warming at least hasn’t been ruled out.

  30. “So what is one to conclude about the new USDA rules and they way they’re being implemented?”

    This is a trick question, right?

  31. Why would prisoners get to choose their own food???! Slop from the wardens or nothing.

  32. This is an easy mandate for the Feds to address now.
    Any parent who sends his kid to school with his own brown bag must pay a surtax.
    Likewise, for those students who do not accept the school’s daily offering.

  33. “How many people have to die before the strategy changes?”‘

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  36. We’ve been opting out of school lunches for years. If I were able, we’d be opting out of public school as well. This year, I donated microwaves to my children’s teachers to allow home cooked meals to be heated prior to lunch. Which allows for even greater variety. Someone please explain the the USDA that whole wheat flour is NO BETTER than white flour. Potatoes are not a vegetable, no matter how they’re cooked. And my football player needs to eat like a football player. More meat please! Less garbage. That’s why we proudly “brown bag it”!

  37. Across the country in Connecticut, a student petition protesting the smaller portion sizes resulted in the school district abandoning the rules after “only a few days.”

  38. uits and vegetables to US

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