Criminal Justice

A Roundup of "Nut-Punch" Criminal Justice Stories

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A Happy Friday! list of criminal justice outrages…

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  1. This is proof that Balko reads our comments. HA! I wear a cup!

    1. That’s ok. This post proves he’s wearing heavy enough boots to crush any little plastic cup.

      1. More like spiked knuckles, but it’s cool.

    2. A couple of year of working on the Iron Egg technique helps.

    3. Just don’t drink from it

      1. At least not after judo practice.

  2. Ow! My balls!

  3. even if they violate laws or constitutional safeguards

    Is the reporter trying to say that the Constitution is not a law?

    1. It’s a “living document”, dumbass.

      1. Have you checked its pulse? It’s been trampled and beat up pretty bad.

  4. Oh, and you made a typo on the Cuyahoga County prosecutor’s name, Radley.

    1. And yet he spelled Cuyahoga correctly…

  5. *shakes fist*

    BAAAAAAAAALLLLLKOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    1. Lemme help you:

      BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALKOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!1!!

  6. The “attempted lynching” one really makes my balls squeal.

    1. Yeah, especially how it wants to print. Hey Balko, if I want to print something I can do it myself. For a magazine called “Reason”…

      1. if I want to print something I can do it myself

        Good for you sage. You must not work in web support, or you’d understand that 99% of the populace couldn’t print a web page if their anus was a laser printer.

        1. That would be an amazing and disgusting superpower.

          Pulp Pooper?

          1. Saving the world at 5ppm. (pages per minute? nope.)

          2. Rectum Writer? The Intestinal Inkjet?

          3. I wouldn’t want to know what “PC Load Letter” means.

            1. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww….

              1. How do you print in red?

                  1. I eat at Chipolte all the time and I never bleed out of my ass.

                    1. ur doin it wrong

      2. It’s not Balko doing that, it’s the web page. Here’s a different page that doesn’t:

        http://www.laweekly.com/2010-1…..hing-case/

  7. That’s my purse! You don’t know me!

    1. Greatest King of the Hill episode EVER (though technically I believe it was “I don’t know you;” not “you don’t know me”).

      1. Isn’t that like saying “smartest kid in the remedial class” or “fastest guy at the amputee triathlon”? I never found King of the Hill to be funny.

        1. King of the Hill on global warming conspiracy:

          Dale Gribble: It’s all one big UN conspiracy. Global Warming… GLO-BLE! … I say let the world warm up…we’ll grow oranges in Alaska.

          Hank Hill: Dale you giblet head, we live in Texas. It’s already 110 in the summer, and if it gets one degree hotter I’m gonna kick your ass!

        2. King of the Hill on race relations:

          Hank meets Kahn for the first time.

          Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?

          Minh Souphanousinphone: No, we are Laotian.

          Bill Dauterive: The ocean? What ocean?

          Kahn Souphanousinphone: From Laos, stupid! It’s a landlocked country in South East Asia between Vietnam and Thailand, population approximately 4.7 million!

          Hank ponders this for a few seconds.

          Hank Hill: So are you Chinese or Japanese?

          Khan Souphanousinphone:: D’oh!

  8. It looks like the second link tries to print itself… Might want to find a better one.

    1. Hey… I don’t feel so good. Something’s not right. Something’s coming over me.

      What the fuck is this?

      Heh… probably my single favorite Megadeth song.

      1. Most favorite, that is. Favoritest.

  9. Is it Friday already? Seems so.

    I own a couple of books by Joel Rosenberg. Will I now get arrested, too?

  10. At least we have things back to normal around here. All that positive news from the Corrie Maye case was beginning to make me wonder if I’d finally get to stop wearing this protective cup on Fridays around here, but thankfully I am not still wearing it in vain.

    (in the voice of Jim Gray from CBS Sports):”Hello friends…The Radney Balko Donkey Punch/Nut Punch friday tradition continues, here at Reason.com.”

    1. Nantz. Jim Gray doesn’t work for CBS.

  11. Haha, Radley has finally come around to acknowledging his posts for what they are. Awesome.

  12. That’s it. I’m not reading any more of these. I can’t.

    I keep thinking – hoping – he’s pulling a Michael Moore and manipulating stories, if not outright lying about facts, to fit an agenda. Law enforcement can’t be this bad. How do people like this sleep?

    1. The crusaders always sleep well. It comes with having an IQ of 80 and the mentality of a holier than thou zealot.

      1. There’s nothing more dangerous than a man who thinks he’s right with God.

    2. Jimbo Jones: Yo, Mr. Black! Another brandy.
      Mr. Black: Gentlemen, to evil.

      1. I offer that toast all the time at work (I’m a lawyer, so it’s appropriate) and nobody gets it. Kinda sad…

        1. The way the toast is delivered is great.

  13. I think you mean Jim Nantz. Jim Gray is a horrible, small man.

    1. I did, I meant Nantz not Gray. Thanks for the correction. And Gray is a total douchebag.

      1. And Gray is a total douchebag.

        No shit…

  14. I think more nut punching is necessary. I blame the citzenry for this crap. They want tough on crime people in charge. Prosecutors are just giving the people what they want. We idolize people like Elliot Ness, and make Nancy Grace a top TV personality.

    1. Similar to progressives and taxes, I don’t see many ToughOnCrimers volunteering themselves for some Zero-Tolerance New-Professionalism fun.

    2. Whoa, whoa, whoa – what’s this “we” stuff, Kimosabe?

      /channelling Old Mexican

  15. Damn, the second story about the so-called “attempting lynching” is absolutely infuriating. However, it’s so ridiculously over-the-top egregious, I think it could end up drawing a lot of attention to abuse of power. Seems like there is enough evidence to destroy the prosecutions bullshit case.

    1. Do you also still believe in Santa Claus?

    2. you would think that a video of the kid standing there and doing nothing throughout the incident would dissuade the prosecutor from filing “lynching” (!) charges, but apparently not

  16. Dont read the LA story. Just dont.

    FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK.

    Everytime I thought the nut kicking was done, there was more to it. Please someone tell me that is a parody piece.

    1. That article just keeps kicking, and kicking, and kicking. Anyone have any ice?

      1. I told you not to read it.

      2. TV, I’ll kiss them better

      3. Frozen peas work better.

      4. Holy fuck. What in the fuck is wrong with these people? What a bunch of pathetic Barney Fife wannabes. They’ve failed at every other part of their life, reduced to being a school cop, so they have to take their utter failure as a human being out on the kids?

        Were this my son (and assuming the info article is true) and he was convicted, he wouldn’t have to worry about prison, because I would kill everyone involved with this travesty.

  17. Balko’s nut punches now are so fast they’re blurred.

    Balko is the Neo of nut-punch journalism.

    1. Like a methed up Muhammed Ali on the speedbag, he is.

      Owowowowowowowowowow…..OW

  18. I get nut punched
    But I get up again
    You’re never gonna crush my nuts

    Ohhh, Balko boy…

  19. “A USA TODAY investigation has found that prosecutors have little reason to fear losing their jobs, even if they violate laws or constitutional safeguards designed to ensure the justice system is fair.”

    As much as I dislike the McPaper, it’s always good to see this stuff make it into a mass-media forum. A few people might at least temporarily be roused from their stupor.

    1. Yup, that’s the positive I took from this post.

  20. Its easy to give these prosecutors too much credit by demonizing them. They’re just lazy slob government workers.

    These crappy prosecutions are just fancy way of leaning on a shovel all day. Its win/win: they get money win or loose and if they get enough convictions they get sent to congress

    And people wonder why we have such a crappy govt.

    1. Uh, no. Trumping up obviously false charges against people for (a) exercising their civil rights and making your job difficult, or (b) because you want to make a big splash right before an election.

      We’re not talking DMV workers taking a two hour lunch break or city parking garage attendants falling asleep on the job. These people are knowingly, intentionally using the coercive power of the state to fuck other people over just because they can.

      1. So you think these prosecutors are possessed of some Overriding Legal/Moral Philosophy that dictates their every move?

        Or may they’re just two bit sociopathic thugs?

  21. tar and feathering needs to be brought back

    1. John and Sam adams were on to something.

      1. mmm… Cherry Wheat ale.

    2. I suggested the same after the health care act passed. Meet your rep/senator at the airport (outside security, of course) with some tar and feathers and have at it.

      Yeah, I didnt do it either.

  22. I think I’m sterile.

  23. I’m surprised nobody’s mentioned this story yet:

    In a crowded gym during practice in front of parents and coaches, the Buchanan High School wrestler tackled a teammate and executed a move his coaches taught him.

    He inserted his fingers between the boy’s buttocks.

    It’s called the “butt drag,” in which a wrestler grabs a rival’s butt cheek and puts fingers in the anus to get leverage. The move is widely used at matches around the country and has been around for decades.

    But now it is at the center of an uproar after Buchanan High wrestler Preston Hill was expelled and charged with a sex crime for using it on a teammate.

    Read the whole thing….

    1. The more I learn about wrestling the more I thank God I didn’t wrestle in high school.

      1. Ditto. I could have been a 1st teamer my freshman year as I was the only boy in the school in the lowest weight class.

        I considered it as I wasnt playing any other winter sport — as it is, I like the way my ears arent screwed up (plus, stories like this).

        1. And don’t forget all the shit you have to do (or, literally, expel) to make weight. I was talking to a guy a couple weeks ago who wrestled in high school and/or college who said he still has nightmares about making weight.

    2. The “victim” obviously knew what he was getting into when he joined the team. How he can justify getting all uppity once the gayness gets into full swing is beyond me.

    3. I was expecting, wehn I started reading it, that the opponent was gonna be female. I have heard of a number of male wrestlers refusing to use certain moves against female opponents.

    4. My practice partner eventually came out of the closet. But I swear to God he never stuck his finger up my ass. I really appreciated his slack ass practice ethic.

  24. Portland police officer responsible for five police abuse settlements costing taxpayers more than a million dollars . . . is promoted to sergeant.

    How do you write public sector union employee so well?

    I think of a human, and I take away reason and accountability.

  25. This is great . . . save it all up for one massive, thundering smash to the ball sac.

    I guess it beats all them little pokes. I was starting to develop an immunity, of sorts.

  26. I don’t think I saw this story here yet, so I’ll join in on the nut-punching. From yesterday’s ChiTrib:
    http://mobile.chicagotribune.c…..ews+Center

    City takes $190K from dirty mejicans (drug dealers, obv.) in a traffic stop, tells owner they’re keeping under civil forfeiture, judge says “nope”, city says “yup”, owner pursues cash only to find out city no longer has it. Who does?

    Fucking DHS.

    1. According to the complaint filed by their lawyer, Jesus Martinez and his passenger cooperated with the Aurora officer who stopped them. Martinez consented to be personally searched, and he allowed police to search his pickup.

      There’s your problem.

  27. That “attempted lynching” story…just…ARRGHH! I mean GOOD GOD. How. How the FUCK does this kind of thing HAPPEN!

  28. The more I learn about wrestling the more I thank God I didn’t wrestle in high school.

    No kidding. I let the wrestling coach in eighth or ninth grade wheedle and cajole me into “trying out”.

    Utterly fucking gay. I just couldn’t handle it, and bailed. A couple of years later, the high school coach started giving me shit about being a “quitter” because I told told in no uncertain terms I would never ever even consider being a wrestler. I don’t think he realized how close he came to getting decked.

    1. When I first started doing BJJ, my girlfriend got me an instructional book. So she opens it up to see a closed guard to triangle progression, and says, “Wow, I knew jiu-jitsu was gay, but I didn’t know it was this gay.” Yeah…it kind of is what it is.

      1. I guess it’s sad for anyone who totally got their ass kicked by teh ghey.

  29. Is Balko going on holiday?

  30. This link dump isn’t a nut punch. It’s using testicles as a speed bag.

  31. The sad thing is, I bet Balko could post a nut-punch roundup like this every single day.

  32. Goddammit! This is not good for my blood pressure!

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