Who Am I?

John P. Walters, Drug Czar

I'm John Walters, the nation's drug czar and I just spent a record-breaking $3.2 million of your tax dollars on Super Bowl ads linking terrorism and illegal drugs. Rest easy, though, I'm not exactly blaming you for terrorism if you've "booted the gong" (I am hip to your lingo, kidz).

Then again, don't rest too easy, because if you're one of the 40 percent of Americans over the age of 11 who has used an illegal drug, I'll try to put you in jail (that's another record I'm hoping to break).

In fact, I may be coming for you right after I arrest the federal bureaucrats who sent aid to actual terrorists last year partly because they stopped growing the poppies necessary for making heroin.