Heroic Troll Forces Censors to Watch Paint Dry
Filmmaker crowd funds 10 hours of paint drying footage for censors to watch.


The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) was forced to watch paint dry thanks to one filmmaker and nearly 700 backers on Kickstarter.
Charlie Lyne, a filmmaker and critic based in London, started a Kickstarter project in November to finance his movie Paint Drying, which is exactly what it sounds like. The BBFC requires filmmakers to pay per minute for films to be watched and then classified, so the more money Lyne raised, the more paint-drying footage he could make the censors watch. Some 686 backers and 5,936 pounds ($8,666.56) later, the final film is 607 minutes long.
The BBFC classifies movies for different age groups, allegedly to protect children from harmful content and empower consumers, much like the Motion Picture Association of America. Unlike in the U.S., it is illegal in the U.K. to screen movies with no rating or sell them on DVD. As Lyne pointed out in a November article he wrote for Vice:
The BBFC's own guidelines admit that 'expert opinion on issues of suitability and harm can be inconclusive or contradictory'. Unfortunately, to the BBFC it therefore follows that examiners should use their 'experience and expertise to make a judgement' on whether or not a film should be censored. Well, how's this for experience: BBFC employees have been viewing uncensored versions of supposedly harmful films for more than a century and as far as I'm aware, none have gone on killing sprees or started masturbating with sandpaper. What makes them impervious to this moral decay that so threatens the rest of us?
Mandatory censorship is repulsive enough, but the BBFC throws salt in the wound by requiring filmmakers to pay for their own classification. To obtain a rating, there is an initial fee of 101 pounds ($147) with an additional 7.09 pounds ($10.35) per minute of footage. Even a relatively short 90-minute feature would cost over a thousand U.S. dollars. You can also be charged more if you want to release a 2D and a 3D version of the same movie.
After the BBFC has watched your film and rated it for theatrical release, it requires you to pay 57 pounds ($83) plus 4.56 pounds ($7) per minute if you want to sell DVDs. To screen a trailer for your movie in theaters, there's a 76 pound ($111) submission fee, plus 6.08 pounds ($9) per minute. All of this creates the same barrier-to-entry issues we see in other heavily regulated industries. Costs that don't faze large studios can be prohibitive to smaller ones and independent filmmakers looking to make a name for themselves.
Charlie Lyne's protest may not change the abhorrent policy of the BBFC and the laws that empower it, but it is drawing attention to the issue and showing how many other people (at least 686) are as angry as he is.
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You got a problem with sandpaper?
Steel wool was always my standard go-to horrible masturbation addition.
I recall reading that the reason why so many old movies wouldn't show married couples in bed was to appease the British censors. Not sure how true that is but the Hays Code and the Dos, Don'ts and Be Carefuls didn't explicitly prohibit it...
Can we get a sequel about grass growing?
I'd throw in some dollars for a movie of the censor watching the paint dry movie.
This will only work if they put in some random footage of a sea otter raping a baby seal at random intervals and hidden in different parts of the screen, otherwise the censor may be tempted to just fast forward through the whole thing.
Hopefully at minute 527 he put in 3 frames of porn, to make damn sure the censors actually watched it. Because that's what I'd do.
Make it really subtle. Have a shadow fall on the wall multiple times throughout the film - a shadow which is clearly people jerking off, having sex, or engaging in inappropriate behavior with barnyard animals.
Or maybe some really racist language.
Why be subtle? This is like having your very own version of A Clockwork Orange.
I am Jack's brain in total agreement.
Dammit! Should have read the comments first!
Great minds think alike. But the sharpest mind thinks of it first.
"Charlie Lyne's protest may not change the abhorrent policy of the BBFC and the laws that empower it, but it is drawing attention to the issue and showing how many other people (at least 686) are as angry as he is."
My cynical side says that he accidentally justified several more pubsec union jobs.
The British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) was forced to watch paint dry
The idea that the bureaucrats were offended by getting paid is somewhat stupid. Almost as stupid as volunteering to pay them to not be offended.
PEGI 18
When this made it to the front page of Reddit, suprisingly most of the American users applauded the guy. Unsurprisingly, most of the European ones thought he was a dick for wasting precious government time and money.
Sounds like Europeans have IQ's around 80 and Americans around 90.
Given the prevalence of #BernVictims on Reddit, I'd put the range more like 60-70.
81.
They should be congratulating him - who else can get away with charging you $10+ per minute to watch your movie? They're raking in $600+ an hour while their 'censor' is probably getting paid well less than $40. Even figuring ancillary costs they're probably raking in around $450 an hour to fund more government.
Nice what you can make when you threaten to shoot the people who won't purchase your 'service'.
Andy Warhol was doing this to hippies 50 years ago.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_(film)
That was more artsy hipsters, wasn't it? Warhol wasn't exactly part of the hippie scene.
I've always thought Warhol was brilliant if you consider Andy Warhol to be the artwork rather than his paintings, films, etc.
Warhol wasn't exactly part of the hippie scene.
Not really at all as I recall.
Oh yeah, I'm sure the bureaucrats won't be reading the paper, or playing on their phones, or browsing the net while the movie plays on TV.
Yeah but is the movie any good? No spoilers please.
Hopefully he spliced in the ending to The Force Awakens in the middle of it.
You mean when Han dies?
(NOTE - that was pure speculation on my part, if he actually dies in the movie I didn't know)
ON THE ONLY BRIDGE THAT HAS NO RAILINGS IN THE WHOLE DAMN MOVIE!
Ditto to everything everybody else said.
I thought that this was mildly humorous. Until I remembered that the government workers getting paid to watch this ARE GETTING PAID. Does anyone actually think that this proves anything? Only people with common sense, or a desire to do something productive with their lives would be bothered by this. At worst, the true believers will sit through this because that is the price they must pay to protect society. And more likely the average govt worker will just fast forward looking for anything that might catch their eye, while they are watching midget tranny torture porn on their cellphone.
It's just a stunt, but it makes the BBFC's pathetic mandate newsworthy for a brief moment. That's worth a couple of pounds, even if they do go to bureaucrats.
It's a good joke. That's enough for me to like it.
I heroically paid 4x that amount for my government to accomplish nothing. Maybe next April I'll get more recognition.
I hate to critique a film I haven't watch, but the premise here just seems flawed. I mean, What kind of paint takes 10 hours to dry? most are dry to the touch in under an hour and can be re-coated inside of 8. Sure in some cases they suggest that one waits 24 hours before top coating but I think that is so that the paint can properly "cure" not "dry" I don't think I'm gonna be able to stretch my suspension of disbelief enough to enjoy this.
They should have made "Epoxy Curing at Room Temperature."
But not 5 minute epoxy.
Traditional oil paints take much longer than 10 hours to dry.
Look man - its a sci-fi film. Sometimes you just have to turn your mind off and enjoy the effects.
Who said it was a continuous shot of one coat of paint?
At minute 435 or so put 2 seconds of the goatse image just to make sure they're really watching.
Nah screw that, every couple of minutes insert just 4 frames of hardcore stuff, at 60 frames a second that should be just enough to register as a flicker in the color but not be noticeable and see if they catch it.
I like smelling paint dry. You get enough people smelling it and it dries faster.
Science.
Or, really, you pass out and its dry by the time you regain consciousness. Either way works.
"Mandatory censorship is repulsive enough, but the BBFC throws salt in the wound by requiring filmmakers to pay for their own classification."
What you mean to say is that the regulated are buying their own approvals.
The censorship system is corrupted! Just like the FDA!
The first three paint-drying movies were pretty good, but the "prequels" they did later were awful.
This is ineffective trolling.
He should have called it, "Paint Drying (and Pedophilia)", hinting that somewhere during the film was a potentially controversial scene.
and of course just run the same film.
Surely watching paint dry is more exciting than watching Palin's Buttplug look for the the donation link.
You can also be charged more if you want to release a 2D and a 3D version of the same movie.
So, the 2D image could be PG-13 while the 3D version could be R, X, or XXX? Suddenly, I feel like the porn industry is failing me.