Friday A/V Club: Ted Cruz and the Vast Canadian Conspiracy
Beyond birtherism


Ted Cruz birtherism doesn't have quite the same bite as Barack Obama birtherism. That's partly because it doesn't hinge on a claim that Cruz is covering something up. Virtually everyone agrees that the Texas senator was born in Canada; the debate involves whether that disqualifies him for the presidency, not whether he's trying to keep it a secret.
But there's another big difference. Those Obama theories are tightly linked with a fear of foreigners, and Canada just isn't on the list of countries that freak a lot of Americans out. Yes, some conspiracy theories about Canada have cropped up over the years; Jeet Heer listed a few in a New Republic piece last week. But the stories he gathered were ultimately about Catholics, Communists, the United Nations, or Islam, with Canada itself playing a supporting role.
No: If it's a tale of truly Canadian subversion that you want—a story that'll prime you to imagine Ted Cruz as a Calgarian Candidate aiming to eradicate American independence—then you need to turn to a film from 1985. In the mockumentary embedded below, you'll learn that the land of the maple leaf has been sending its entertainers southward to infiltrate the United States. With a cast that includes William Shatner, John Candy, Margot Kidder, and Leslie Nielsen, plus Eugene Levy as the Whittaker Chambers figure trying to expose the cabal, here is The Canadian Conspiracy:
(For past editions of the Friday A/V Club, go here.)
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I had no idea Lorne Greene was Canadian. Bonanza will never be the same.
William Shatner is not only Canadian but he has never become a US citizen despite living here for decades.
Worse...he's a Montrealer!
You'd be surprised( though Ted is probably aware) just how many Canadians have littered and blessed American pop culture. It's actually decently impressive starting as far back as early Hollywood in the 1910s including Jack L. Warner, Mack Sennett and Fay Wray.
http://bit.ly/1PmVb00
Personally, I would put posters of Rick Moranis all over my house if I was allowed to.
I would put posters of Rick Moranis all over my house if I was allowed to
Fay Wray, would get my vote...
Fay Wray was a little later. Replace her with America's Sweetheart Mary Pickford, or perhaps Marie Dressler.
I can no longer sit back and allow Canadian infiltration, Canadian indoctrination, Canadian subversion and the international Canadian conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.
I think that's how Canadians actually feel about America.
You're getting sleepy...
Beware the Canadians - they walk skate amongst us.
But there are only like... four of them.
The others are in the penalty box. Duh!
and Canada just isn't on the list of countries that freak a lot of Americans out
Speak for yourself, Jesse! I, for one, spend many a sleepless night, worrying about those lurking to our North!1!1!11
*tightens foil toque and warily eyes empty Tim Horton's box*
Well, as a Blackhawks fan, I'm sure the Oilers and Habs back in the day probably were big boogey-men.
*suffers flashback to Gretzky Oilers*
NYAHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Those games in the playoffs always seemed to end 8-4 in favor of the Oilers! And those weren't bad Hawks teams either with Savard, Lysiak, Larmer, Wilson etc.
...and Al Secord and Murray Bannerman. How could I forget those two!?
STOP REMINDING ME!
*curls up in corner, sobbing*
Laugh now, but when you are forced to speak Canadian, don't blame me
Take off, hoser. That'll never happen, eh?
Did you ever notice we accept the puckslappers' entertainers only after they lose their accents? French-Canadians excluded, of course. As they should be in general.
Jesus, I can't believe there really are people who actually worry about Canada and those Canadians and what they might be up to. There is no Canada you fools! "Canada" was created in 1937 by some leftist Hollywood writers and film-makers working under the direction of FDR's state department as a plot to convince Americans that there was some race of superior human beings and that we should emulate them. Nice, polite, friendly, considerate - do these sound like American values to you? Hell no! But look! They come bearing gifts of donuts and beer! Don't you like donuts and beer and hockey? Don't you want to be like them and have donuts and beer and hockey and free healthcare? "No!" I say - normal red-blooded, two-fisted, manly-men Americans cannot be swayed by "niceness". You think we could have killed all those Indians and stolen their land with donuts and beer and niceness? You come over here with that "Canadian" crap and I'll kick your ass. In fact, you've pissed me off so much I'll come over there and kick your ass. I'm American, goddammit!
"You think we could have killed all those Indians and stolen their land with donuts and beer and niceness?"
Whiskey.
Well, whiskey and guns.
Well, whiskey and guns and overwhelming superiority in numbers.
Hmmmm Whiskey donuts !
Don't forget various viruses.
Obligatory: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bOR38552MJA
This makes me feel conflicted. It reminds me of 'Canadian Bacon', which is a film I thoroughly enjoy. But it is a product of Michael Moore, which makes me feel like I need to scrub my skin with sandpaper.
Eh, making a good movie is the least he owes us after all the other stuff he did.
I said "eh" without even realizing it!
I knew it. About time they exposed these bastards. Why didn't Frum include Canada in the 'Axis of Evil'. Oh wait... because he's Canadian!
*whispers*
Don't mention J****n B****r.
It's better to think of him as a Cuban David Frum
That's why we have War Plan Crimson. No shit.