Zoning

A Swingers Club Rebrands Itself as a Church

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How do you protect a swingers club from a bullying neighbor and a hostile zoning board? Turn it into a church.

That's what Nashville lawyer Larry Roberts did when his client was told by Metro Council that he was unable to operate a swingers club on his own private property. The zoning laws, however, do not affect his ability to operate a church there. 

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45 responses to “A Swingers Club Rebrands Itself as a Church

  1. Talk about putting the pussy on a pedestal! Sheeeeeee-iit!

    Also, what type of tithes do the recommend? 10% like the other vultures?

    1. Just the tip

  2. “Basically, my feeling is if I own my property I can do with it whatever I choose.”

    Good luck with that feeling.

  3. More titties. Less Lawyer.

    1. Lawyer titties?

      1. +1 Single Female Lawyer

      2. I don’t see any titties on her:

        http://nymag.com/thecut/2014/0…..-code.html

        or on her:

        http://deadline.com/2015/05/na…..201422929/

        1. or on her:

          http://www.biography.com/peopl…..or-9426834

          (oh, you may want to avoid one of these links…guess which one!)

  4. “For a 5- or 6-year-old to ask their mother or father what a swingers club is, that’s an issue they shouldn’t even have to consider or confront until they become adults.”

    That’s a silly argument; they shouldn’t be having children until they become adults.

    1. This same logic means we shouldn’t allow funeral parlors either… right?

      1. If I were a parent, I think I would explain death long before polyamory to my child. But the rest of the world is not obliged to help parents avoid awkward conversations with their kids.

        1. IT TAKES A VILLAGE, ASSHOLE.

    2. Kid: Daddy what’s a swingers club.

      Dad:It’s kind of a dance club for adults only

      I mean really what kind of a fucking moron can’t explain that to a kid

      1. “It’s where Daddy never goes, because he’s too busy working late at the office.”

        1. Um, Daddy almost certainly isn’t going unless mommy is going with him.

          Most swingers clubs, if they let single men in at all charge them a ridiculous cover charge.

          A common admission fee structure would be something like…

          Single Women: Free
          Couples: $50
          Single Men: $200

          Also getting caught cheating on a spouse at a swingers club is a really fast way to be utterly ostracized by the local community. Men never get away with it, women sometimes do

          1. Sorry for making these elementary errors.

            1. Guess who’s parents didn’t allow a swingers club in his neighborhood?!

              1. Hitler’s?

          2. Sounds like experience is talking here.

      2. I mean really what kind of a fucking moron can’t explain that to a kid

        The uptight embarrassed one.

        Besides, kids who watch TV already know.

        1. Yeah, who could forget the Sesame Street special, “Be nice to the baby sitter while Mommy and Daddy are exploring alternative relationships”?

    3. This Louis CK quote applies:

      It doesn’t have any effect on your life. What do you care?! People try to talk about it like it’s a social issue. Like when you see someone stand up on a talk show and say, “How am I supposed to explain to my children that two men are getting married?… I dunno. It’s your shitty kid. You fuckin’ tell ’em. Why is that anyone else’s problem? Two guys are in LOVE and they can’t get married because you don’t want to talk to your ugly child for five fuckin’ minutes?

      1. “How am I supposed to explain to my children that business owners are being driven into bankruptcy because of their choice of what services to provide?… I dunno. It’s your shitty kid. You fuckin’ tell ’em.

  5. So, the local government is presuming that their professed religious beliefs are sincere.

    And Tennessee has a Religious Freedom Restoration Act protecting sincere religious practices, unless repressing those practices is the least restrictive means of achieving a compelling government interest.

    http://www.wbir.com/story/news…../70691256/

    (autoplay)

    OK, then, either prove they’re insincere, or show that suppressing them is the least restrictive means of achieving a compelling government interest.

    Next case!

    1. Oh, and apparently the church bans sex on the premises, which (though I’m no expert) would distinguish it from a regular swingers’ club).

      1. …though I’m no expert

        Riiiight. (Wink wink)

        1. I need to stop making these easy serves 🙁

      2. Thanks, Internet!

        According to what seems to be a swingers trade association:

        “On-premises means that sexual activity occurs at the party. Off premises swing clubs, cocktail lounges and bars help you to meet other swingers. Swinging will be elsewhere with the interested couples and singles responsible for the arrangements.”

        http://www.nasca.com/faq.html

        1. a swingers trade association

          But of course.

      3. Nope, you clearly not an expert.

        Swingers clubs are about 50 – 50 on whether they allow sex on premises.

        Most allow nudity and activity that goes to somewhere between 2nd and 3rd base but a lot of them specifically don’t allow sex on the premises to avoid issues with local law enforcement.

        Also a lot of “Swingers clubs” are more roving swingers parties that rent out hotel ballrooms and arrange special rates in the hotel for their guests

        1. Who are you, who is so wise in the ways of science…ah, swinging?

          1. Someone who has been hanging around in alternative sexuality comminities for nearly his entire adult life.

            I’n not a swinger but I have been to swingers clubs a couple of times and if my wife was cool with it I definitely would be. I’ve also got a profile on Fetlife even though I’m really not all that into BDSM. I do however have an open relationship and thoroughly reject the idea of lifelong monogamy as being a good thing. It might have worked when the average age of first marriage was 25 and the average life expectancy was 45 with a maternal mortality rate of nearly 10% but it just isn’t realistic or even a healthy goal in todays world.

            1. “It might have worked when the average age of first marriage was 25 and the average life expectancy was 45 with a maternal mortality rate of nearly 10%”

              But think of those married couples in the Bad Old Days who defied the odds and lived to a ripe old age? Who will speak for those couples? Oh, who?

              1. And this horrifying possibility was expressly contemplated even in the Episcopal marriage vows:

                “In the name of God, I, ______, take you, ______, to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, *until we are parted by death.* This is my solemn vow.” [emphasis added]

                (from theknot.com)

                http://ow.ly/Nz2e3

              2. And in what percentage of them were both partners totally faithful throughout the relationship? 5%, 10% maybe. And out of them how many were utterly miserable and actively waiting for death to finally be rid of the cad/shrew they were married to?

                Throughout all of human history maybe 1/10th of a percent of all marriages were happy, strictly monogamous on both sides, and lasted more than 25 years yet people today thing that it is somehow the norm

                1. OK, I’m going to ask for some evidence to back up those statistics.

                2. “waiting for death to finally be rid of the cad/shrew they were married to?”

                  We’re talking about someone who *consented* to be married to this “cad/shrew,” right?

                  Even in the Bad Old Days, if your spouse cheated on you, beat you up, etc., you could get a divorce from bread and board so you didn’t have to live the person any longer.

                  Of course, getting remarried while the “cad/shrew” was still alive is a separate question.

                  But let us at least acknowledge the scope of the present dispute.

      4. Oh, and apparently the church bans sex on the premises, which (though I’m no expert) would distinguish it from a regular swingers’ club.

        And probably most churches.

        As in most churches would socially discourage fooling around on premises, but probably don’t have a formal policy on sex, other than rules dealing with inappropriate relationships.

        1. The Episcopalians allow sex on top of the gravestones in the cemetary.

          Source: A warm, moist place.

    1. And now we’ve all seen CN’s A face.

  6. Next this should be applied to a brothel. There are (or have been at least) religions that involve ritual prostitution.

    1. I know the answer to this one!

      Commerce Clause, FYTW.

  7. The school principal almost has whistling s’s. I haven’t heard a whistling s in ages.

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