Florida

Florida Cop: I Didn't Know There Was Cocaine In My "Sex-Aid Cream," I Swear!

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Apparently, "I tested positive for cocaine because I rubbed some unknown 'sex-aid cream' on my genitals that was given to me by a friend who got it from some 'old Cuban guy'" is a suitable defense for a Florida cop to get his job back.

At least, that's what the arbitrator for a grievance hearing about a cop's firing ruled when he told the city to reinstate Miami Beach Police Detective Reinaldo Casas.

Last year Detective Casas tested positive for cocaine and was subsequently fired. But Casas said he had "never knowingly used cocaine."

Instead, he claims the cocaine must have been absorbed into his blood through "an erection-enhancing cream he applied to his genitals."

From The Miami Herald:

At a grievance hearing, Casas testified that a buddy, Idilio Godinez, gave him the cream "with the advice that it would help him in his sexual liaisons."

Godinez testified that he got the sex-enhancement cream from "an old Cuban guy" as a gift for giving him some political campaign signs. Godinez claimed he did not know what was in the cream, but had tried it himself and it worked.

The substance, which resembled Vaseline, was contained in a series of unmarked purple containers and appeared to be homemade.

The city insisted that Casas' story was "incredible" and he should have known what he was ingesting his body. The arbitrator disagreed and ordered Casas returned to duty with back pay — he earns $74,745.84 a year.

The arbitrator's justification for Casas being reinstated?

"There is no evidence in the record to show that [Casas] was aware the cream contained a controlled substance."

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  1. Being that cocaine is a topical anesthetic, his story smells like bullshit.

    1. That and it is well known that cocaine causes erectile dysfunction.
      Total bullshit from top to bottom.

      1. From what you read, of course…

        1. Um, yeah. Of course.

    2. Depends on what kind of sexual help you need. If he’s a premature ejaculator, a little anesthetic might be just the ticket.

      Also, I have, uh, been told that moderate cocaine use doesn’t cause any significant dysfunction in that department.

      1. Not that it doesn’t still smell like bullshit.

        1. Not that it doesn’t still smell like bullshit.

          Yeeesh…who’d want to snort it?

    3. It’s also a vasoconstrictor, which is why it’s prescribed after nasal surgery (anesthetic and bleeding control in one). If mixed with a chemical that causes dermal absorption, like DMSO, I could easily see this being used.

      I had a patient that injected cocaine directly into his penis. He had fun for about four days, then it had to be amputated. There’s a reason why the ED commercials say “if you erection lasts longer than four hours seek medical help immediately.”

      1. Something about that doesn’t add up.

        Generally vasoconstrictors make it *harder* to achieve an erection. Ever try having sex on acid or shrooms? It’s not going to happen.

        Most ED medications are vasodilators.

  2. Who knew?

    Rubbing cocaine on their dick is how police keep their edge.

    And is totally OK if you don’t “know” it’s cocaine.

    1. Likely it was being used to counteract the effects of steroids. It makes your muscles big and your dick small.

  3. The old peter cream defense. I know it well.

    1. peter cream

      I used to date his sister.

  4. I haven’t found anything on the internet mentioning that investigators actually determined that the cream in question did indeed have ingredients which could trigger the false positive.

  5. Googled “cocaine sex ointment” and the first thing that came up said some people use it for anal intercourse because it lessens the pain of entry.
    So maybe he was telling the truth and he takes it in the ass while making his partner use cocaine lube.

    1. +1 Pulp Fiction

  6. Oh, come on. I remember this plot from the fifth season of Miami Vice.

    Sonny Crockett: You just got to learn to go with the heat, Rico. It’s just like life. You just gotta keep telling yourself, no matter how hot it gets, sooner or later there’s a cool breeze coming in.

    Det. Ricardo Tubbs: Dude, you put coke on your weenie.

    Shark. Jumped.

    1. Relevant, but terrible.

      1. Not a Ween fan, or just that song?

        1. Uh, yeah.

  7. “Hey, you got cocaine in my boner creme!”

    “Well, you got your boner in my cocaine!

  8. Yup, because that excuse would work for a regular civilian, even if the excuse were true.

    1. I’m sure, for example, if Family Services took your kids away for failing a drug test, you could just say that it was probably from a topical sex lotion and they’d totally give them right back.

      1. Of course! Why would you doubt it? It’s a perfect excuse for both cops and normals!

  9. Um, I just took some random sex drug an old cuban dude made for me. I didn’t know there was cocaine any in there. Sorry kid, 10 years mandatory minimum. But I’m a cop! Oh, that’s different. Here’s a check for $75,000. By the way, where can I get some of that cock cream?

  10. So a pig had trouble getting up. Sounds reasonable…

    1. What did you expect? There weren’t any dogs around to shoot, so he was willing to try anything to get things started

    2. Steroids will do that to you.

  11. This sounds like something a major league baseball player would say.

    1. You know, ARod’s cousin just happened to have this stuff that worked great.

  12. Old Cuban guys – I love those guys.

    1. When he suggests applying an unlabeled, homemade cream to your genitals, you do it.

      He is… the most interesting man in the world.

  13. “Oh no! I wasn’t using a fairly harmless recreational stimulant! i rubbed some *unknown chemical on my dick* which I then planned on sticking in someone else, having no idea what effect it might have!”

    OH! OK. We were worried you might have had *poor judgement*

    1. Heh heh.

  14. Meanwhile, the house of Idilio Godinez was raided. Thankfully, no dogs were found – just a bunch of old Cuban guys.

  15. I have to ask what kind of idiots the city had working for them in arguing this case. Topical application is the least likely way to induce cocaine into the body. Additionally, cocaine metabolizes very quickly. It is almost impossible for topical application at low yields to show up in a urine test, unless the guy had just wiped his weeny, and even then, highly unlikely.

    1. The kind of idiots that will do not what is right, but what it takes to get the desired outcome. Scum, basically.

    2. Maybe it was oral ingestion. He should admit to felching his anal lover.

      1. Maybe a little ATM?

        1. He would have to admit to sharing his butt cocaine…

  16. In cases like this, it’s good to hypothesize along this line:
    Replace “cop” with “Minority Brooklynite” and see if anyone would believe you.

  17. So, it was medicinal cocaine.

  18. Sounds like your average Florida cop to me.

    http://www.WentAnon.tk

    1. Anon-bot strikes again!

  19. What is is about cocaine that makes people come up with these cockamamie stories? I had a patient with severe pulmonary problems, whose chest x-ray showed the classic signs of “crack lung,” and who tested positive for cocaine, which she vehemently denied ever using. When I confronted her with the positive test, she said, “It must have been in that bucket of ribs I ate.” And she went on, and on about how mad she was that her friend must have put the cocaine in the pork ribs. Right, because everyone puts cocaine in ribs – special family recipe. Cocaine must make people so grandiose that they think people will believe anything they say, no matter how crazy.

    1. She probably thought you were going to report her. Nobody believes in confidentiality anymore.

    2. Cocaine must make people so grandiose that they think people will believe anything they say, no matter how crazy.

      Has Obama been tested for cocaine lately?

  20. “Credible and incredible… are they the same thing?”
    – Florida Arbitrator

    1. err… aren’t

  21. Why did this coke snorting cop get reinstated with back pay?

    Fuck you, that’s why.

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