Democratic Convention 2012

Time Magazine Pens Love Letter to Joe Biden, of All People


Oh hey, (old) Newsweek, too!

This week will provide an ongoing demonstration project of how the media establishment treats the two major political parties with two largely separate filters. For example, the latest issue of Time has a piece on the vice president with a subhed that claims–and I am not making this up–that "Joe Biden's Heart is the Democrats' Killer App." As you read the following excerpts, imagine Time giving similar treatment to Dick Cheney, Dan Quayle, or vice president George Bush:

Biden is Dixieland swing, Obama is Miles Davis. Biden's a banana split, Obama is grapefruit sorbet. Biden's a bubble bath, Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake. […]

How far this team has come in four years. Obama's hope-and-change campaign of 2008 was a symphony, not a PowerPoint, and its motto–"Yes we can!"–was more a yearning than a thought. When Biden joined the ticket, he was the seasoned statesman, the venerable Washington hand who reassured swing voters that it was safe to trust the new guy and follow their hearts. […]

Does he go too far sometimes? Did his ma call him Joey?

For some curated Reason examples of Biden going "too far," on issues that matter more than ticket-balancing, click this link.

NEXT: Where's Media Criticism of TMZ's Racist Jihad Against Deneeta Pope?

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  1. Biden’s a banana split, Obama is grapefruit sorbet. Biden’s a bubble bath, Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake

    So Obama is sour and cold? Racist!

    1. No, grapefruit seems sour at first, then it gets really, really bitter.

      1. I like a little grapefruit juice in the morning. My favorite brand.

        1. grapefruit juice (see CYP 450 enzyme) is often used by opioid addicts to increase/potentiate oral dosages of opioids.

          so, you are calling Obama a DRUG ADDICT!!!


    2. Maybe they mean he’s like grapefruit in that you need to bury it in so much sugar to choke it down that it defeats the purpose of eating the damn thing in the first place.

  2. Joe Bidenopolous is a clean Native America Hindu, lacking a Negro accent, except when he wants one.

  3. To read the entire article, you must be a TIME subscriber.


      1. I strongly support Times having a paywall so I can’t read their Joe Biden articles.

        1. I didn’t know they had subscribers outside of people with waiting rooms.

          1. ok..the waiting room line is funny

  4. So why are you bothering with yet another example of the obsequiousness of the power-worshiping lewinsky press?

    The sooner there is a general boycott of the toadying nonsense of these lickspittles, the faster they will fall into irrelevance.

    1. it’s good that someone other than the usual right-wing suspects is pointing out the obvious. Especially a place that got sucked into Obamamania four years ago.

  5. Biden’s the Nile, Obama’s the Tower of Pisa, the ticket’s the smile on the Mona Lisa.

    1. Biden says po-tay-to, Obama says po-tah-to.

      Let’s call the whole thing off.

  6. Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake

    WTF does that even mean?

    1. Four years under Obama has the same effect as being eaten alive by mosquitoes and leeches.

    2. it seems like a good idea at the time but the reality is cold and miserable and in the end all you’ve got is bad memories of the bloodsuckers eating you alive.

  7. “Joe Biden is not a joke” sounds like Nixon saying “I am not a crook”.

    I will say this: Joe Biden would probably make a better president than Barack Obama.

    1. He would be vastly more amusing, at least.

    2. Joe Biden would probably make a better president than Barack Obama.

      Because he would be largely ineffectual, yes. I wish Obama and Romney got HALF the respect of Biden.

  8. Reading the Time prose, I got the same creeped-out feeling as I did when, several years ago, I read another magazine’s appreciation of candidate Hillary Clinton, focused on the question, “Would you [“do” her]?” I think that was Esquire, but I’m not sure. Does anyone else remember that? [Shivers]

    1. read another magazine’s appreciation of candidate Hillary Clinton, focused on the question, “Would you [“do” her]?”

      The Horror.

      1. Was the byline from a guy named Bill?

      2. Biden is Bromden, Obama is McMurphy

        And Hillary is Ratched.

  9. Obama’s hope-and-change campaign of 2008 was a symphony

    now that’s a journalistic blow job.

    1. Apt, considering the reacharounds masquerading as news articles I just read about the Obama beer recipe.

      1. The Seattle Times actually went with “Ale to the Chief”. No, seriously.

      2. Corn syrup for that crisp American adjunct goodness!

        (by the way, that was sarcasm, I’ll note just in case I pulled it off too well)

  10. Obama’s hope-and-change campaign of 2008 was a symphony

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You can’t make this shit up. Despicable fucking dick-licking media dipshits.

    Here, Viking chants.

    1. More like a cacophony of empty gestures and pink ponies.

      1. (the Obama campaign)

    2. It’s like they’re castoffs from the North Korean News Service.

  11. “Biden’s a bubble bath, Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake”

  12. Biden is The Clap. Obama is Herpes.

    1. This works. Newsweek is the skank that gave them to us.

  13. Biden is a bad sunburn after a day at the beach. Obama is that weird rash you see after picking up a strange girl at a bar.

  14. Biden is spending the day with STEVE SMITH. Obama is spending the night with STEVE SMITH.

    Biden is Payne. Obama is Bok.

    1. Biden is spending the day with STEVE SMITH. Obama is spending the night with STEVE SMITH.

      So, the results are the same?

      1. So, the results are the same?


      2. Oh no, during the day you can see all the horrible little details that the darkeness hides.

  15. Biden is Frank Burns, Obama is Winchester.

    1. That show had a character called “Spearchucker Jones” and so your comment is a racist dog whistle.

      1. Good ole Timmy Brown…my first favorite football player.

      2. Interestingly, all the MD’s were WASPs as well. Seriously, not a Jewish surgeon in the lot? Improbable.

        1. 1950, yeah it was actually likely. One of the stories Uncle Milt tells in Free to Choose concerns the difficulty of migrant Jews in the 30’s and immediately after the war had obtaining their licenses to practice due to AMA having quotas limiting the number practicing physicians allowed.

        2. Sidney Freedman was the psychiatrist. I think that’s the closest they can to anything not obviously WASPy in a doctor.

  16. Biden is the guy who played Darren Stevens. Obama is the other guy who played Darren Stevens.

    Biden is Gilligan. Obama is The Skipper. I guess that makes the Romneys the Howels and Ryan the Professor.

    1. Elizabeth Warren as Ginger, who spends the whole time searching the island for someone else to give credit to whenever the Professor builds something.

      1. If that’s the case, we now have a definitive answer to the old question – Ginger or Mary Ann!

      2. No, Elizabeth Warren is Mrs. Howell pretending to be working class.

  17. Biden is Enos. Obama is Boss Hog.

    1. Biden is Goober, Obama is Gomer.

  18. Biden is B.J. Obama is Bear.

    Dammit, that was racist, too.

  19. “Joe Biden’s Heart is the Democrats’ Killer App.”

    If it’s a killer, I guess it’s appropriate to keep it…in chains.

    Hey Reason, your preview function is fucked the fuck up.

    1. I think we should devote an entire fucking thread to THE FUCKING PREVIEW BUTTON BEING FUCKED UP!


      1. Biden is the inability to post an ampersand, Obama is the broken preview button

      2. Indeed. Still broken on Safari 5.1.7.

      3. The preview button works great on my computer/browser combo.

        *clicks on preview button*

        Yep. Works great!


  20. Biden is Debbie from Sealab 2012. Obama is Black Debbie from Sealab 2012.

    1. Marco: Well, Debbie thinks this is all about her biological clock.
      Stormy: She stopped screaming enough to tell you that?
      Marco: No no no no, the other Debbie. Debbie the teacher.
      Stormy: Oh, you mean… black Debbie.
      Sparks: Woah woah woah, why is she… black Debbie?
      Stormy: Not in a bad way, it’s just to tell them apart because she’s… black.
      Sparks: Well, why don’t you call her Debbie, and call the other one… white Debbie.
      Stormy: White Debbie? That’s stupid! I know she’s white.
      Marco: Then why do you call the other Debbie “black Debbie?” You know she’s black!
      Stormy: Hey, first off, I really don’t think we should be talking about this in front of Dr. Quinn.
      Quinn: Listen man, you’re missing the point. What if everybody went around calling you “white Stormy?”
      Stormy: You mean there’s a black Stormy?
      Quinn: … No.

      1. Marco: What kind of madman are you?
        Sparks: Oh, you know, the regular kind. World domination, the usual. I’ve even got a secret mountain stronghold.
        Marco: You do not!
        Sparks: Do to! Check this out, smart guy. Attention henchmen… this is Overlord.
        Henchmen: All hail the Overlord. All hail the Overlord.
        Sparks: Man, that kills me.

        1. Department of Sensitivity lecturer: In today’s workplace, even something as innocent as a coffee cup can be offensive… especially one with a swastika.

      2. Best Television show in the past 20 years.

  21. Biden is the hilarious idea of drinking jalapeno tequila. Obama is the after effects of drinking jalapeno tequila.

  22. Biden is Aquaman. Obama is Black Vulcan.

    Black Vulcan: They said it was some sort of budget thing, but I think it’s because I complained that they were always pairing me up with a white Super Friend, like I was gonna start super-looting the minute they weren’t watching. And you think I named myself Black Vulcan? Hell, no! I used to go by Super Volt. Black Vulcan was Aquaman’s idea. And I said, “Well, maybe we should just call you White Fish!”

    1. Birdman: The healing rays of the sun!
      Black Vulcan: In his pants.

      1. Apache Chief: Well, I saved the town the other day, and uh… I saved the town and, anyway, afterwards I thought, “Man, a coffee would be nice.” But, uh, I spilled it on my… lap.
        Harvey Birdman: Mmm-hmm.
        [the tea kettle whistle begins to sound]
        Apache Chief: And, uh, wow, it was… hot. On my lap.
        Harvey Birdman: I’ll bet…
        Apache Chief: [with annoyed deliberation] Hotness… Crotch… Ouch!
        Harvey Birdman: Yeah, I… Ohhhh! W – Are you trying to say…?
        Apache Chief: I can no longer… enlarge.
        [the tea kettle whistle plaintively decays into silence]
        Harvey Birdman: [crossing his legs and wincing] Oh! Ohhh! *Ohhhhh!* Let’s all go to the mountains, huh?
        [Apache Chief watches apprehensively as Avenger walks by with the tea service]
        Harvey Birdman: I’ll take the case! Nothing, huh? Not even first thing in the morning; little neeneeneeneeneey?

        Harvey Birdman: You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend’s whereabouts – a Wonder Woman, I believe?
        Zan: Um, that’s correct. Uh, she was at home.
        Harvey Birdman: Any idea why she wouldn’t have answered the town’s distress call?
        Zan: Well, she said she really needed some, “me time.” So she unplugged her communicator and… and took a bath.
        Harvey Birdman: How do you happen to know this?
        Zan: I was… I, I was the bathwater.
        [Flashback to Wonder Woman taking a bath and Zan as the water]
        Zan: [giggles] Form of a washrag!

  23. Biden is the Tequila in Malibu Red, Obama is the rum in Malibu Red.

  24. paging Barfman…

  25. Obama is Baba Booey; Biden is Stuttering John

  26. I think we should devote an entire fucking thread to THE FUCKING PREVIEW BUTTON BEING FUCKED UP!


    Or, you know, read your posts before hitting submit. That works too, and with less added rage.

    1. Makes me laugh every time

  27. This should fit nicely with Time’s other fine journalism, such as the “Obama should be able to golf as much as he wants on the public’s dime and you’re all big meanies for calling attention to it” article a bit back.

  28. Biden is Brak. Obama is Zorak. [blink, blink]

    1. Michelle is way more mantis-like.

  29. Biden is Homer Simpson. Obama is Mr. Burns.

  30. Biden is Hellman’s mayo (Best Foods out here in The West). Obama is Empire artisanal mayo, made in Brooklyn.

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