Time Magazine Pens Love Letter to Joe Biden, of All People

Matt Welch | 9.2.2012 10:47 AM

This week will provide an ongoing demonstration project of how the media establishment treats the two major political parties with two largely separate filters. For example, the latest issue of Time has a piece on the vice president with a subhed that claims–and I am not making this up–that "Joe Biden's Heart is the Democrats' Killer App." As you read the following excerpts, imagine Time giving similar treatment to Dick Cheney, Dan Quayle, or vice president George Bush:

Biden is Dixieland swing, Obama is Miles Davis. Biden's a banana split, Obama is grapefruit sorbet. Biden's a bubble bath, Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake. […]

How far this team has come in four years. Obama's hope-and-change campaign of 2008 was a symphony, not a PowerPoint, and its motto–"Yes we can!"–was more a yearning than a thought. When Biden joined the ticket, he was the seasoned statesman, the venerable Washington hand who reassured swing voters that it was safe to trust the new guy and follow their hearts. […]

Does he go too far sometimes? Did his ma call him Joey?

For some curated Reason examples of Biden going "too far," on issues that matter more than ticket-balancing, click this link.

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mr simple 13 years ago

Biden's a banana split, Obama is grapefruit sorbet. Biden's a bubble bath, Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake

So Obama is sour and cold? Racist!
1. darius404 13 years ago
  
  No, grapefruit seems sour at first, then it gets really, really bitter.
  1. Killazontherun 13 years ago
    
    I like a little grapefruit juice in the morning. My favorite brand.
    1. Dunphy (the real one) 13 years ago
      
      grapefruit juice (see CYP 450 enzyme) is often used by opioid addicts to increase/potentiate oral dosages of opioids.
      
      so, you are calling Obama a DRUG ADDICT!!!
      
      racist!
2. Agammamon 13 years ago
  
  Maybe they mean he's like grapefruit in that you need to bury it in so much sugar to choke it down that it defeats the purpose of eating the damn thing in the first place.
VG Zaytsev 13 years ago

Joe Bidenopolous is a clean Native America Hindu, lacking a Negro accent, except when he wants one.
Jerry on the road 13 years ago

To read the entire article, you must be a TIME subscriber.

Amen.
1. RBS 13 years ago
  
  Wait, what?
  1. Jerry on the road 13 years ago
    
    I strongly support Times having a paywall so I can't read their Joe Biden articles.
    1. RBS 13 years ago
      
      I didn't know they had subscribers outside of people with waiting rooms.
      1. wareagle 13 years ago
        
        ok..the waiting room line is funny
2. DanD 13 years ago
  
  Bravo!
wef 13 years ago

So why are you bothering with yet another example of the obsequiousness of the power-worshiping lewinsky press?

The sooner there is a general boycott of the toadying nonsense of these lickspittles, the faster they will fall into irrelevance.
1. wareagle 13 years ago
  
  it's good that someone other than the usual right-wing suspects is pointing out the obvious. Especially a place that got sucked into Obamamania four years ago.
Fist of Etiquette 13 years ago

Biden's the Nile, Obama's the Tower of Pisa, the ticket's the smile on the Mona Lisa.
1. flye 13 years ago
  
  Biden says po-tay-to, Obama says po-tah-to.
  
  Let's call the whole thing off.
RBS 13 years ago

Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake

WTF does that even mean?
1. Hugh Akston 13 years ago
  
  Four years under Obama has the same effect as being eaten alive by mosquitoes and leeches.
2. Agammamon 13 years ago
  
  it seems like a good idea at the time but the reality is cold and miserable and in the end all you've got is bad memories of the bloodsuckers eating you alive.
Ken Shultz 13 years ago

"Joe Biden is not a joke" sounds like Nixon saying "I am not a crook".

I will say this: Joe Biden would probably make a better president than Barack Obama.
1. kibby 13 years ago
  
  He would be vastly more amusing, at least.
2. darius404 13 years ago
  
  Joe Biden would probably make a better president than Barack Obama.
  
  Because he would be largely ineffectual, yes. I wish Obama and Romney got HALF the respect of Biden.
James Anderson Merritt 13 years ago

Reading the Time prose, I got the same creeped-out feeling as I did when, several years ago, I read another magazine's appreciation of candidate Hillary Clinton, focused on the question, "Would you ["do" her]?" I think that was Esquire, but I'm not sure. Does anyone else remember that? [Shivers]
1. RBS 13 years ago
  
  read another magazine's appreciation of candidate Hillary Clinton, focused on the question, "Would you ["do" her]?"
  
  The Horror.
  1. Killazontherun 13 years ago
    
    Was the byline from a guy named Bill?
  2. Killazontherun 13 years ago
    
    Biden is Bromden, Obama is McMurphy
    
    And Hillary is Ratched.
wareagle 13 years ago

Obama's hope-and-change campaign of 2008 was a symphony

now that's a journalistic blow job.
1. flye 13 years ago
  
  Apt, considering the reacharounds masquerading as news articles I just read about the Obama beer recipe.
  1. sage 13 years ago
    
    The Seattle Times actually went with "Ale to the Chief". No, seriously.
  2. Killazontherun 13 years ago
    
    Corn syrup for that crisp American adjunct goodness!
    
    (by the way, that was sarcasm, I'll note just in case I pulled it off too well)
Warty 13 years ago

Obama's hope-and-change campaign of 2008 was a symphony

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You can't make this shit up. Despicable fucking dick-licking media dipshits.

Here, Viking chants.
1. Jerry on the road 13 years ago
  
  More like a cacophony of empty gestures and pink ponies.
  1. Jerry on the road 13 years ago
    
    (the Obama campaign)
2. Brutus 13 years ago
  
  It's like they're castoffs from the North Korean News Service.
CosmoWenman 13 years ago

"Biden's a bubble bath, Obama a dip in a Minnesota lake"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnWdnD0oyBk
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is The Clap. Obama is Herpes.
1. sage 13 years ago
  
  This works. Newsweek is the skank that gave them to us.
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is a bad sunburn after a day at the beach. Obama is that weird rash you see after picking up a strange girl at a bar.
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is spending the day with STEVE SMITH. Obama is spending the night with STEVE SMITH.

Biden is Payne. Obama is Bok.
1. Chloe 13 years ago
  
  Biden is spending the day with STEVE SMITH. Obama is spending the night with STEVE SMITH.
  
  So, the results are the same?
  1. Longtorso 13 years ago
    
    So, the results are the same?
    
    Yes.
  2. Agammamon 13 years ago
    
    Oh no, during the day you can see all the horrible little details that the darkeness hides.
flye 13 years ago

Biden is Frank Burns, Obama is Winchester.
1. Longtorso 13 years ago
  
  That show had a character called "Spearchucker Jones" and so your comment is a racist dog whistle.
  1. geo1113 13 years ago
    
    Good ole Timmy Brown...my first favorite football player.
  2. EDG reppin' LBC 13 years ago
    
    Interestingly, all the MD's were WASPs as well. Seriously, not a Jewish surgeon in the lot? Improbable.
    1. Killazontherun 13 years ago
      
      1950, yeah it was actually likely. One of the stories Uncle Milt tells in Free to Choose concerns the difficulty of migrant Jews in the 30's and immediately after the war had obtaining their licenses to practice due to AMA having quotas limiting the number practicing physicians allowed.
    2. SFC B 13 years ago
      
      Sidney Freedman was the psychiatrist. I think that's the closest they can to anything not obviously WASPy in a doctor.
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is the guy who played Darren Stevens. Obama is the other guy who played Darren Stevens.

Biden is Gilligan. Obama is The Skipper. I guess that makes the Romneys the Howels and Ryan the Professor.
1. Greg 13 years ago
  
  Elizabeth Warren as Ginger, who spends the whole time searching the island for someone else to give credit to whenever the Professor builds something.
  1. geo1113 13 years ago
    
    If that's the case, we now have a definitive answer to the old question - Ginger or Mary Ann!
  2. PapayaSF 13 years ago
    
    No, Elizabeth Warren is Mrs. Howell pretending to be working class.
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is Enos. Obama is Boss Hog.
1. Killazontherun 13 years ago
  
  Biden is Goober, Obama is Gomer.
EDG reppin' LBC 13 years ago

Biden is B.J. Obama is Bear.

Dammit, that was racist, too.
sage 13 years ago

"Joe Biden's Heart is the Democrats' Killer App."

If it's a killer, I guess it's appropriate to keep it...in chains.

Hey Reason, your preview function is fucked the fuck up.
1. Francisco d Anconia 13 years ago
  
  I think we should devote an entire fucking thread to THE FUCKING PREVIEW BUTTON BEING FUCKED UP!
  
  FUCKING FIX THE FUCKED UP PREVIEW FUCKING BUTTON!
  1. flye 13 years ago
    
    Biden is the inability to post an ampersand, Obama is the broken preview button
  2. PapayaSF 13 years ago
    
    Indeed. Still broken on Safari 5.1.7.
  3. mad libertarian guy 13 years ago
    
    The preview button works great on my computer/browser combo.
    
    *clicks on preview button*
    
    Yep. Works great!
    
    Mac/Chrome
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is Debbie from Sealab 2012. Obama is Black Debbie from Sealab 2012.
1. Longtorso 13 years ago
  
  Marco: Well, Debbie thinks this is all about her biological clock.
  Stormy: She stopped screaming enough to tell you that?
  Marco: No no no no, the other Debbie. Debbie the teacher.
  Stormy: Oh, you mean... black Debbie.
  Sparks: Woah woah woah, why is she... black Debbie?
  Stormy: Not in a bad way, it's just to tell them apart because she's... black.
  Sparks: Well, why don't you call her Debbie, and call the other one... white Debbie.
  Stormy: White Debbie? That's stupid! I know she's white.
  Marco: Then why do you call the other Debbie "black Debbie?" You know she's black!
  Stormy: Hey, first off, I really don't think we should be talking about this in front of Dr. Quinn.
  Quinn: Listen man, you're missing the point. What if everybody went around calling you "white Stormy?"
  Stormy: You mean there's a black Stormy?
  Quinn: ... No.
  1. Longtorso 13 years ago
    
    Marco: What kind of madman are you?
    Sparks: Oh, you know, the regular kind. World domination, the usual. I've even got a secret mountain stronghold.
    Marco: You do not!
    Sparks: Do to! Check this out, smart guy. Attention henchmen... this is Overlord.
    Henchmen: All hail the Overlord. All hail the Overlord.
    Sparks: Man, that kills me.
    1. Longtorso 13 years ago
      
      Department of Sensitivity lecturer: In today's workplace, even something as innocent as a coffee cup can be offensive... especially one with a swastika.
  2. Corning 13 years ago
    
    Best Television show in the past 20 years.
generic Brand 13 years ago

Biden is the hilarious idea of drinking jalapeno tequila. Obama is the after effects of drinking jalapeno tequila.
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is Aquaman. Obama is Black Vulcan.

Black Vulcan: They said it was some sort of budget thing, but I think it's because I complained that they were always pairing me up with a white Super Friend, like I was gonna start super-looting the minute they weren't watching. And you think I named myself Black Vulcan? Hell, no! I used to go by Super Volt. Black Vulcan was Aquaman's idea. And I said, "Well, maybe we should just call you White Fish!"
1. Longtorso 13 years ago
  
  Birdman: The healing rays of the sun!
  Black Vulcan: In his pants.
  1. Longtorso 13 years ago
    
    Apache Chief: Well, I saved the town the other day, and uh... I saved the town and, anyway, afterwards I thought, "Man, a coffee would be nice." But, uh, I spilled it on my... lap.
    Harvey Birdman: Mmm-hmm.
    [the tea kettle whistle begins to sound]
    Apache Chief: And, uh, wow, it was... hot. On my lap.
    Harvey Birdman: I'll bet...
    Apache Chief: [with annoyed deliberation] Hotness... Crotch... Ouch!
    Harvey Birdman: Yeah, I... Ohhhh! W - Are you trying to say...?
    Apache Chief: I can no longer... enlarge.
    [the tea kettle whistle plaintively decays into silence]
    Harvey Birdman: [crossing his legs and wincing] Oh! Ohhh! *Ohhhhh!* Let's all go to the mountains, huh?
    [Apache Chief watches apprehensively as Avenger walks by with the tea service]
    Harvey Birdman: I'll take the case! Nothing, huh? Not even first thing in the morning; little neeneeneeneeneey?
    
    Harvey Birdman: You stated that you had express knowledge of one of the more familiar Superfriend's whereabouts - a Wonder Woman, I believe?
    Zan: Um, that's correct. Uh, she was at home.
    Harvey Birdman: Any idea why she wouldn't have answered the town's distress call?
    Zan: Well, she said she really needed some, "me time." So she unplugged her communicator and... and took a bath.
    Harvey Birdman: How do you happen to know this?
    Zan: I was... I, I was the bathwater.
    [Flashback to Wonder Woman taking a bath and Zan as the water]
    Zan: [giggles] Form of a washrag!
Longtorso 13 years ago

Biden is the Tequila in Malibu Red, Obama is the rum in Malibu Red.
DanD 13 years ago

paging Barfman...
Tuck Fard 13 years ago

Obama is Baba Booey; Biden is Stuttering John
protefeed 13 years ago

I think we should devote an entire fucking thread to THE FUCKING PREVIEW BUTTON BEING FUCKED UP!

FUCKING FIX THE FUCKED UP PREVIEW FUCKING BUTTON!

Or, you know, read your posts before hitting submit. That works too, and with less added rage.
Barfman 13 years ago

*barf*
1. Nick M 13 years ago
  
  Makes me laugh every time
Somalian Road Corporation 13 years ago

This should fit nicely with Time's other fine journalism, such as the "Obama should be able to golf as much as he wants on the public's dime and you're all big meanies for calling attention to it" article a bit back.
James Anderson Merritt 13 years ago

Biden is Brak. Obama is Zorak. [blink, blink]
1. Tulpa Doom 13 years ago
  
  Michelle is way more mantis-like.
Troy muy grande boner 13 years ago

Biden is Homer Simpson. Obama is Mr. Burns.
EDG reppin' LBC 13 years ago

Biden is Hellman's mayo (Best Foods out here in The West). Obama is Empire artisanal mayo, made in Brooklyn.

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Time Magazine Pens Love Letter to Joe Biden, of All People

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