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Politics

After Newt, Two Walls

Jacob Sullum | 12.1.2011 5:38 PM

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Today Newt Gingrich, who at last week's Republican presidential debate said "I'm prepared to take the heat" for declining to endorse the mass deportation of all 12 million unauthorized U.S. residents, sought to fend off charges that he is soft on immigration by joining Michele Bachmann in pledging to build not one but two fences spanning the entire border with Mexico. Two is better than one, obviously, but surely good old American know-how can improve on this plan. Some suggestions via Twitter:

"Two fences. The first covered in razor blades. The second with stationery prone to cause paper cuts. Then, a moat of orange juice." (Radley Balko)

"As a warning to illegal immigrants, we make the fence *out of* illegal immigrants." (Ditto)

"Put a 1,000 ft tall, ultra-realistic painting of an ocean all along the border facing south. They'll think we're gone & go home." (Modeled Behavior)

"Hire Wiley Coyote to draw pictures of tunnel entrances on outside of stone wall." (Curiouser George)

"Why ANNOUNCE the number of fences? do we want to just SEND our enemies our plans?" (John Perich)

"Alligators and electricity! Wait. I think that's taken." (Michael Demmons)

Other ideas?

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NEXT: Official Warning to Iowans: Ice Is Slippery

Jacob Sullum is a senior editor at Reason.

PoliticsPolicyImmigrationRepublican Presidential NominationPresidential Candidates
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  1. MikeP   13 years ago

    Open borders.

    What, I have 127 more characters?

  2. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

    What Newt (short for Newcular Titties) fails to understand is that, while building extra walls between us and Mexico, he's leaving 5,500 miles (including the border with Alaska) unwalled to the north!

    1. Episiarch   13 years ago

      We must stop the snowbacks from coming in and stealing our acting jobs!

      1. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

        And the Mounties from mounting our women!

        1. fish   13 years ago

          Canadians....sex. Never happen.

          1. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

            That's why they seek our women!

    2. JEP   13 years ago

      Oh noes! The White Walkers!

    3. LarryA   13 years ago

      Not to speak of 11,300 miles of coastline.

  3. Mr. Mark   13 years ago

    Illegals. Not "unauthorized." We have a congress, it passes laws. Some good, many bad. But illegal is illegal. Your disagreement doesn't change that.

    1. Short Mark   13 years ago

      Teh LAW is teh LAWWW!!!!!!1!!!!!!

    2. Proprietist   13 years ago

      Let he who hath not broken a law throw the first stone.

      1. Jesus' Mom   13 years ago

        *selects nice size rock - chucks it at Mr. Mark*

        1. Coeus   13 years ago

          Jesus's mom is disqualified for sex out of wedlock.

          1. wareagle   13 years ago

            she was a virgin. No sex. Even though she was married. Sure, that could happen.

    3. Jim Crow South   13 years ago

      ^This.

    4. GILMORE   13 years ago

      DERP... elleeeeegalll!

      Thus, fences!

  4. Ice Nine   13 years ago

    Impound all the old Chevys in the US.

    1. Poopsie Gillespie   13 years ago

      And make a wall out of them!

  5. A Serious Man   13 years ago

    We need a moat that has sharks with freakin' laser beams attached to their foreheads!

    Watching these idiots talk about border security is like listeing to ten year old boys talking about the tree house they plan on building.

    1. RoboCain   13 years ago

      Except ten-year-olds actually succeed in building them.

    2. Homer   13 years ago

      Or what? Are you gonna release the Hounds, or the Bees, or the hounds with bees in their mouths so every time they bark at you they shoot bees at you? Go ahead, do your worst.

  6. Jon Schaffer`s Right Hand   13 years ago

    We have to fill every square or hexagon in the US with wall. I know it's a lot of clicks, but do you want the immigrants to win?

    1. Christina   13 years ago

      I think walling a city only takes 2 or 3 turns.

      1. Episiarch   13 years ago

        "Godamnit! How come everytime us Chinee put up a wall, stupid Mongorians come and knock it down?!?"

        1. Almanian   13 years ago

          Fucking Mongorians!

          1. hazeeran   13 years ago

            How do they work!?

            1. KDN   13 years ago

              With great effort and on horseback.

        2. Gary Larsen   13 years ago

          That ought to keep that danged dog out.....

        3. CE   13 years ago

          I think they didn't actually knock down the wall. They just bribed a few of the gatekeepers.

        4. Amakudari   13 years ago

          Still busting down walls in 2009, apparently.

  7. Sailor   13 years ago

    After we build these walls can we get cspan to provide live coverage of the walls doing their job?

    1. Almanian   13 years ago

      That would be AWESOME.

      If I had a TON of pot...and time.

      1. capitol l   13 years ago

        You ain't gonna have any pot once Newcular puts up his walls!

        Freakin' loserdopians.

        1. Almanian   13 years ago

          HAH! CANADIAN POT for the win, bitches!

          1. capitol l   13 years ago

            THE LAW IS THE LAW, MR. CANADA LOVER.

            NO POT FOR YOU!

            1. capitol l   13 years ago

              Speaking of weed and crazy channels, did you ever get the NASA channel, Almanian?

              It was mostly just the Earth from space, hanging there like a big blue blob, shot from a camera on the dashboard of the space station. Put that shit on with some Pink Floyd and just relax, man.

              1. Fluffy   13 years ago

                I absolutely LOVED that show.

              2. Sailor   13 years ago

                PS3 has a great screen saver when you play music that is mimics what you described.(views of earth from space)

                1. capitol l   13 years ago

                  Remember the first playstation had the screen saver that danced with the music and you could change with the controller?

                  That shit was fun when you were high as well.

              3. Christina   13 years ago

                Are you my brother-in-law?

          2. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

            Isn't that what's on their flag?

      2. Sailor   13 years ago

        So it would have the same requirements for awesome that it currently does. Actually I can watch me some bookTV, but idiots making speeches requires drugs.

  8. TrickyVic   13 years ago

    Big signs that say, Your money is worth more than ours.

  9. yogi   13 years ago

    Diodes and flux capacitors.

  10. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

    Walls are silly, anyway. What we need are giant zeppelins that can launch hunter-killer drones lining the U.S. border. Not just with Mexico--the whole border. Maybe one zeppelin every ten miles, on average?

    1. Homeland Security   13 years ago

      why limit such a great idea to the borders?

      1. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

        Filling the sky with drone-laden zeppelins would provide security in and of themselves and prevent any more of that pesky commercial aviation! Brilliant!

  11. Gojira   13 years ago

    I advocate a system by which we promise unlimited foreign aid in perpetuity to Mexico in exchange for rounding up all their citizens and installing an explosive collar which detonates when they cross the border.

    They must also perform this function on any other brown people who come up from down south and pass through Mexico.

    In the alternative, we nuke the site from orbit.

    1. Nipplemancer   13 years ago

      But they have to be paired with random strangers - that way if you cross the border not only do you blow up. If you find your random partner, you can cross the border without exploding. Just don't tell Mexican Rutger Hauer and Mexican Mimi Rogers.

  12. capitol l   13 years ago

    We could always tank our economy with a giant meddling nanny of a government thereby reducing the incentive to move norte.

    1. RoboCain   13 years ago

      It's already working.

      1. capitol l   13 years ago

        WOOHOO! Vote for me!

  13. Spoonman.   13 years ago

    Since such a proposal would basically destroy the border cities of the US, I propose dismantling Brownsville, McAllen, and Del Rio brick-by-brick and building the walls with them.

    Otherwise those buildings will just sit vacant.

    1. capitol l   13 years ago

      That'd be a shame, I had some good times in Del Rio. There used to be a nice little bar down from the border called something like Tombstone Inn, or Doc Holliday's that was really cool.

  14. Episiarch   13 years ago

    I suggest that all the people whose ancestors came here as immigrants hypocritically slam the door on later waves of immigration.

    Oh wait, that's what we're already doing.

    1. RoboCain   13 years ago

      What if they weren't quite immigrants?

      1. Episiarch   13 years ago

        You mean they were Irish?

        1. Poopsie Gillespie   13 years ago

          I think he meant they were black...

          1. H man   13 years ago

            Is it our fault that they had a bad travel agent?

          2. BakedPenguin   13 years ago

            Or First Nation.

            1. H man   13 years ago

              Like that internet meme meant anything.

              1. BakedPenguin   13 years ago

                It what "American Indians" are officially called in Canuckistan. I actually don't mind it, despite the PC, because it's obvious who you're talking about, and factually accurate.

  15. Mike   13 years ago

    A la Balko's suggestion, we make it out of anchor babies.

  16. NAL   13 years ago

    They should start a bidding war. Mitt Romney: "Two fences? You guys love terrorists or something? Put me down for three."

  17. Christina   13 years ago

    Why stop at two walls? Why not turn the US into one giant matryoshka?

    1. RoboCain   13 years ago

      I googled that for the rest of you:

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matryoshka_doll

      1. Clich? Bandit   13 years ago

        not russian aware ehh Robo?

  18. Just Dropping By   13 years ago

    If Gingrich wins the Republican nomination, I hope Reason will ask Jonathan Rauch to revisit his article on political "sell by dates," because Gingrich looks close to being the ultimate test of it: http://reason.com/archives/200.....in-in-2004

  19. MikeP   13 years ago

    An infinite number of fences, each half as tall as the one before it.

    The best thing is, this uses exactly as much material as two fences, yet uses an infinite quantity of labor. Jobs forever!

    1. Almanian   13 years ago

      Utter. Genius.

    2. Poopsie Gillespie   13 years ago

      We have a winner!

    3. fish   13 years ago

      Be careful...turned the wrong way I think you've just described stairs.

      1. fish   13 years ago

        Of course with an infinite number it would be a long climb.

    4. CE   13 years ago

      Sounds like you're just making it easier and easier for them after the cross the first few walls!

    5. Bingo   13 years ago

      Might as well shut down the comment system, this one is never going to be topped.

  20. Scott   13 years ago

    I picture Newt as Dr. Evil..."why make one wall when we can make...(close-up, pinky to lip) two walls?" Muha....muhaha....muahahahahahaa!

    Also, once the Fed and Congress is done with devaluing the dollar, we can build as many walls as we want out of *ACTUAL* U.S. dollars. And it won't cost a thing!

    1. Gojira   13 years ago

      Here's a google search showing that you CAN make a wall out of value-less currency, courtesy of our friends in Weimar Germany.

    2. Almanian   13 years ago

      Scott - come here and give your father a hug. Come on...

  21. angus   13 years ago

    A debt clock on a sign saying: Welcome new immigrants you now owe...

  22. 0x90   13 years ago

    Have Krugman patrol the border. For those would-be immigrants who surmount the visual onslaught, provide interpreters.

  23. Almanian   13 years ago

    1st wall (closest to Mexico) - made of Taco Bell tacos

    2nd wall - made of Chuihuahua puppies previously owned by cunts like Paris Hilton

    3rd wall - brick, plastered with posters of Anne Coulter.

    That oughtta learn 'em!

    1. capitol l   13 years ago

      Yep, that'd keep 'em out, but who are you going to find willing to build such an abomination?

      Never mind, we could hire Mexicans.

      GODDAMMIT!

    2. LarryA   13 years ago

      What? No Twinkies?

  24. Proprietist   13 years ago

    I've already mentioned this before. My bipartisan solution that will satisfy both Left and Right is to build a nature reserve for carnivorous animals along the whole expanse of the border. No irlegulls takin' urr jerbs, no need for border patrol, healthy well-fed endangered species.

    1. capitol l   13 years ago

      What like owls and shit?

      1. Proprietist   13 years ago

        Sure, birds of prey, big cats, bears, gators. Whatever floats your boat.

        1. Scruffy Nerfherder   13 years ago

          It's gotta have anacondas

  25. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

    How about instead of actual walls, we use masking tape, ? la WKRP? Then we all operate on the honor system?

  26. Brian D   13 years ago

    We should ask the Russians if they still have the specs for the Berlin Wall.

  27. Groovus Maximus   13 years ago

    How about instead of actual walls, we use masking tape, ? la WKRP? Then we all operate on the honor system?

    I wondered why every time I "see" you here, Pro'L Dib, you have something bandaged. Now I know.

    1. capitol l   13 years ago

      Hey Groov, how's it feel to be an official DRUG WARRIOR?

      Hope you got yer badge in the mail.

    2. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

      I'm more the Andy of this blog. You're the Jennifer. Or maybe the Big Guy.

  28. Joe M   13 years ago

    What about all that open coastline on the east and west sides?

    1. BlueBook   13 years ago

      Archimedes Death Ray.

      1. Scruffy Nerfherder   13 years ago

        Tesla's was better

    2. CE   13 years ago

      Whale watching tours in San Diego will likely get a lot more popular. And come back with fewer people than they left with.

  29. Fist of Etiquette   13 years ago

    Do we still have any sections left over from Hands Across America?

  30. BlueBook   13 years ago

    How about some of those nifty metaphorical Wall cards from Magic: The Gathering? Like 'Wall of Tears' or 'Wall of Omens'?

    1. Amakudari   13 years ago

      Even better

  31. Scruffy Nerfherder   13 years ago

    Duct tape and plastic sheet

    1. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

      Make sure the duct tape is kept on our side of the border. We don't want that kind of technology in our enemies' hands.

      Duct tape is like the Force. It binds and holds the universe together.

      1. Scruffy Nerfherder   13 years ago

        I was thinking we could use all the leftover supplies from those orange alerts in the 00's

      2. CE   13 years ago

        What do you think strings and membranes are made of?

        1. Pro Libertate   13 years ago

          I'm a proponent of duct theory.

  32. Groovus Maximus   13 years ago

    Hey Groov, how's it feel to be an official DRUG WARRIOR?

    Hope you got yer badge in the mail.

    Yanno, whatever sympathy I had for dunphy being in the unenviable position of both a police officer and a self-professed libertarian, has pretty much evaporated.

    I never got a badge from the DEA, or any of the other Alphabet Soup WOD jackboots and I certainly don't want one.

    The DEA on both the state and federal level is starting to make our lives very, very miserable; the only patient I ever turned in was the patient (amazingly, there has only been one so far) that was forging 'scripts on my DEA/Schedule number, an invasion of both my property and livelihood, not to mention fraud and a legit crime.

    I'll thank dunphy not to lump me in with his ilk.

    As he would say:

    "hth"

    1. capitol l   13 years ago

      It's funny how the drug warriors bully medical professionals into submission then point at them and say, "SEE! They're as bad as us!!!".

      Fucking dicks.

    2. Libertymike   13 years ago

      Save your sympathy for the people victimized by dunphy and his ilk.

      One can not be a police officer and a libertarian. To argue otherwise is folly.

  33. BakedPenguin   13 years ago

    We should build a moat along the border. Then, fill it with piranhas infected with AIDS. Also, killer drones. They're not just for "terrorists" anymore!

  34. Lady Liberty   13 years ago

    "Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame,
    With conquering limbs astride from land to land;
    Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand
    A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame
    Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name
    Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand
    Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command
    The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame.

    Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!"
    cries she
    With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your
    poor,
    Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
    The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
    Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
    I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

    1. LarryA   13 years ago

      You had to bring that up. I used to sing it with my college men's chorus, back in the 70s.

      See also Celtic Woman, Isle of Hope, Isle of Tears

      On the first day on January, eighteen ninety-two,
      they opened Ellis Island and they let the people through.
      And the first to cross the threshold of that isle of hope and tears,
      was Annie Moore from Ireland who was all of fifteen years.

      http://www.metrolyrics.com/the.....woman.html.

  35. Groovus Maximus   13 years ago

    It's gotta have anacondas

    Cue Sir Mix-a-Lot...

  36. Groovus Maximus   13 years ago

    I'm more the Andy of this blog. You're the Jennifer. Or maybe the Big Guy.

    There's already a Jennifer, going by the Nom du Blog of Banjos. I picture The Big Guy as Saccharin Man. Epi is obviously Herb Tarlek.

    Some many here could qualify for the role of Venus Flytrap.

    I'm just some random guest star.

    Personally, I thought Bailey, AKA Jan Smithers was super attractive.

    1. Episiarch   13 years ago

      I'll take Herb, though he's too short.

      ProL isn't Les Nessman. Maybe Tulpa?

    2. BakedPenguin   13 years ago

      Personally, I thought Bailey, AKA Jan Smithers was super attractive.

      Yup. Jan was the Maryanne of WKRP.

      1. Episiarch   13 years ago

        Excellent way to put it.

        1. Libertymike   13 years ago

          Epi, what does it tell you about a guy if he prefers both Maryanne and Jan over their more voluptuous co-stars?

          1. Episiarch   13 years ago

            Who said prefer? Can't I like both?

          2. Coeus   13 years ago

            Ginger was not more voluptuous than Maryann. She just showed more cleavage.

  37. Groovus Maximus   13 years ago

    What do you think strings and membranes are made of?

    Catgut, of course. Doesn't everyone know that?

  38. ?   13 years ago

    If we moved all the country's prisoners into a single, massive, continent-spanning border penitentiary (two walls!), in a way the border would be guarded by the very people whose jerbs the Mexicans tuk.

    (And it's also a cookbook.)

  39. Groovus Maximus   13 years ago

    Maybe Tulpa?

    Clearly, Tulpa is Mrs. Carlson.

    1. Libertymike   13 years ago

      But not Mrs. Carlon's daughter, the fabulous Julie Carlson McAlpine.

  40. LoungingLurker   13 years ago

    OT: Did anyone see this on Lew Rockwell's Blog?

    http://www.lewrockwell.com/blo.....99413.html

    DiLorenzo thinks reason'ers are baggy pants wearing gangsters! GET OFF MY LAWN!!!

    1. Libertymike   13 years ago

      DiLorenzo is usually on the mark; here, except for the first couple of sentences, he's not.

      He is THE go to guy on Lincoln.

    2. capitol l   13 years ago

      Jesus Christ that was bad:

      Readers of LRC may remember that some of the D.C. "libertarians" organized a smear campaign against Ron Paul the last time he ran for the Republican nomination. They were desperate to avoid having the public face of libertarianism be a normal, middle-class, middle-America family man as opposed to their own self-image as urban hipsters or, as they called themselves, "cosmopolitan" libertarians. They tend to be more libertine than libertarian. Well, it appears that their views are finally catching hold ? in Iraq.

      An Associated Press article in today's newspapers entitled "U.S. Troops' Ink, Rap, Slang Leave Mark on Iraqi Youths" explains. Iraqi youth are now "sporting baggy soldiers' camouflage pants" and wearing "back-turned 'NY' baseball caps. "Lil Czar Mohammed" is busy "showing off his break-dancing moves" and the "$ sign shaved into his closely cropped hair."

      Mohammed's "forearm bore a tattoo" that said "GANG STAR." That was a mistake made by the tatoo "artist," says Mohammed; it should have read "gangsta." After years of watching American soldiers, Iraqi kids have adopted "hip-hop styles, tough-guy mannerisms and slangy English patter . . ." They call themselves names like "punky" or "hustler," wear hoodie sweatshirts as though they're preparing to rob a 7-11, and listen to 50 Cent or Eminem.

      Not all Iraqis approve of these "cosmopolitan" developments, which include the rejection of school uniforms, promiscuous sex, and other behaviors that many consider to be "weird" and "offensive" according to the Associated Press.

      Somebody get this lady a sand removal kit, pronto.

      1. Christina   13 years ago

        Mohammed should just add an extra "R" to his tattoo. Gang Starr is a great hip hop duo.

        http://youtu.be/Ugtke61OFeM

        Aw, who am I kidding? You nerds don't like rap music. I don't know where this idea of hip-hop culture being endemic to libertarians came from.

        1. Otter   13 years ago

          Some of us here appreciate hip-hop. BTW, can you imagine how mind-bogglingly awesome H&R would be if LRC's caricature of us were accurate?

    3. Apatheist   13 years ago

      It's shit like this that made me stop going there. How's that for a free market bitches?

      1. capitol l   13 years ago

        Pull your damn PANTS UP, COSMO!!! You look as though you're preparing to smoke a "blunt" and listen to the "Beastie Boys".

  41. anon   13 years ago

    Two walls: One built of Newt's ego, the second of his hypocrisy.

    1. R C Dean   13 years ago

      Those would probably affect the weather, so maybe not.

  42. anon   13 years ago

    I really hope a this doesn't happen so I don't have to pay attention to my kids.

  43. Groovus Maximus   13 years ago

    what does it tell you about a guy if he prefers both Maryanne and Jan over their more voluptuous co-stars?

    They (we) have refined and discriminating taste in the fairer sex? Duh! In the big red truck!

  44. bosty   13 years ago

    Forget the second fence. With Newt, he would have a wall and then just an enormous billboard with his smiling picture and the words "WELCOME TO AMERICA, LOVE PRESIDENT GINGRICH".

    That'd be enough to deter all but the hardiest of brown people, and those he'd quickly put to work in the great Fancy Feast mines of northern Wyoming.

  45. Scott   13 years ago

    We can build normal concrete walls, but as we build them we must add the ground-up remains of the Liberty Bell, Lady Liberty, the original Declaration of Independence, the original Constitution and Bill of Rights, and any other precious bits of our history we can spare.

  46. cynical   13 years ago

    Two walls? This shit is going to be like razor blades for Republican candidates, isn't it? "Well, Newt Gingrich might think this country is safe from cheap unskilled labor with just a measly three walls, but I, Mitt Romney, promise you the whitest country yet, with four walls, and a moat!"

  47. Vet4RonPaul   13 years ago

    Gingrich is a pro-bailout neocon war-monger. I'm a military veteran and Gingrich is the worst possible commander in chief; all about war but never about putting on the uniform. Our country and our youth deserve much better. Ron Paul can be trusted.

  48. Banjos   13 years ago

    There's already a Jennifer, going by the Nom du Blog of Banjos.

    My-my Groovie Pie! I have never been compared to Loni Anderson before. I will graciously accept the comparison without question.

  49. JR   13 years ago

    I think they need two blade fences...the first blade stands them up, the second one sheers them off.

    1. Fish   13 years ago

      Magnificent

  50. LuLu Rockwell   13 years ago

    Just staff the border with fleet-footed Negros and light-loafered queers. Problem solved.

  51. Newt Gingrich   13 years ago

    You see, most mouth-breathing, war-mongering, immigrant-bashing statist thugs only go up to ten walls. What I do is, if I need that extra push over the cliff, I put it up to eleven. One more.

    [Smiles proudly.]

  52. some smartass   13 years ago

    Other ideas?

    Walls? WTF, this is the 21st century. We don't need no stinking walls mon.

    What we need is robots. Shit loads of machine gun carrying robots. Or robot carrying machine guns. Or which ever the f*** way that works I don't care.

    But the answer is hungry IR seeing angry pissed off unemployed bailed out politically correct seeing-eye, for your own damned good robots, mon.

    Gee, with a rip like that right off the top of the head, I might ought to think about running for president myself. What do you think?

  53. LarryA   13 years ago

    The obvious best answer.

  54. Amakudari   13 years ago

    It is the height of Newt's arrogance to believe that people will want to sneak into a nation where the President is Newt Gingrich.

  55. Mike Dar   13 years ago

    By John E. Yang
    Washington Post Staff Writer
    Wednesday, January 22 1997; Page A01

    The House voted overwhelmingly yesterday to reprimand House Speaker Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.) and order him to pay an unprecedented $300,000 penalty, the first time in the House's 208-year history it has disciplined a speaker for ethical wrongdoing.

    The ethics case and its resolution leave Gingrich with little leeway for future personal controversies, House Republicans said. Exactly one month before yesterday's vote, Gingrich admitted that he brought discredit to the House and broke its rules by failing to ensure that financing for two projects would not violate federal tax law and by giving the House ethics committee false information. Enough Said!!

  56. Nike Dunk High Women   13 years ago

    thanks

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