The Opposite of a Nut-Punch


Well, not the complete opposite—the NYPD comes off looking pretty bad. Still, this is the feel-good crime story of the week.

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  1. Law & Order: Special Prey Squad


    1. Really starts around the three minute mark.

  2. Damn, the cops wouldn’t do anything without a report being filed? Nevermidn that the guy tracked his laptop to a specific location and had a picture of the perp. What’s the old saying about when seconds count, the police are only minutes away?

    1. Should have said it looked like the guy might be smoking and serving transfats at his bar.

      1. He has a dog! Lock and load!

      2. Don’t worry. When he shows up and assaults the shitbag who stole his stuff, the cops will arrive quickly and arrest the victim.

  3. the NYPD comes off looking pretty bad

    They don’t need any help doing that.

  4. the NYPD comes off looking pretty bad

    Hey, cut them some slack – they were really busy randomly stopping and frisking minorities for pot.

    1. What’s the fun in enforcing crimes that involve victims?
      With victimless crimes you can confiscate property, beat people up, shoot their pets…
      When a crime has a victim there’s no property for you to steal, the perp might actually be a threat to the comp, and there’s no helpless animals to shoot.

      So of course they’re going to find any possible excuse to tell a victim of a crime to “screw”.

      1. *cop* not comp

    2. At least they took a break from beating up and threatening elderly Chinese immigrants:…..lderly.php

      1. At least they didn’t shoot him, or Tazer him to death.

  5. Very cool.

    Bets on how long it will take law enforcement to resent/discourage/arrest anyone using such vigilante tactics?

  6. Best tweet: @QualityFrog “Hello NYPD, a man is punching my face right now? No, I haven’t filed a report yet bc he’s punching me in my face.”

  7. The Opposite of a Nut-Punch


    1. Ovaries jab.

      1. Ovaries and cunts aren’t the opposite of nuts. They’re all reproductive organs. Didn’t your schools have sex ed?!?!

        The oppsoite of a nut punch must surely be a teabag?

        1. counterpart != opposite?

          Shirley you jest!

        2. C’mon the ovaries do in the female what the testes do in the male.

          Unless the opposite of nuts is anything that doesn’t produce sex hormones or gametes, which would be every other part of the body.

          1. Ovaries create sperm? Ewwwwww. So, when you’re getting your red wings, you’re really…..ewwwww.

            1. I guess gametes wasn’t clear enough?

              Either way I’ve embarrassed myself enough for not getting hand-job right away.

              1. No, I got it. It’s just that I’ve been waiting for days to make a red wings comment.

    2. Hand job?

      1. I was wondering how long that would take.

        1. So the Friday Balko Nut Punch is officially being replaced by the Friday Jesse Walker Hand Job?

          Jeez, don’t you guys have interns for that kind of thing?

          1. Interns are for blowjobs.

    3. You’re focusing on the opposite of “nuts” when you should be thinking about the opposite of the “punch”. That would be a pull.

      I submit for review, “Monkey Steals the Peach”:…..809250.jpg

      1. You’re focusing on the opposite of “nuts” when you should be thinking about the opposite of the “punch”.

        Zackly – hence, “teabag”.

        Ovaries are not the opposite of nuts, they’re the female counterpart to nuts.

    4. Having to click “load more” half a dozen times to see the whole article, with no seeming link to load it all on one page in one go is the nut punch.

      I hate sites that make it difficult to load the whole article. (And I hate it when reason tries to put one paragraph of a story on a second page.)

  8. Glad the guy recovered his laptop, but I’m not sure that I actually “feel good”.

    1. I feel good

      1. Got any pot?

  9. I would say this isn’t 180 degrees from a nutpunvh (that would be cops doing their legitimate duties without violating anyone’s rights). This is more 90 degrees – cops doing nothing.

  10. Nothing like a good nut punch to start the day!

  11. Apple user…check
    Bearded artist…check
    stupid drinks…check
    Perp named Paolo…check
    Canadian winning…check

    Well, at least I know what hipster porn looks like. Wonder how many of them jacked off to the thread while it was “live” on computer.

  12. I don’t get why he didn’t press charges. If some dude steals my laptop, I’m making him pay.

    1. Victim: I want to press charges
      Cops: You can’t
      Victim: Why?
      Cops: You didn’t fill out a report.
      Victim: Okay I want to fill out a report.
      Cops: You can’t fill out a report unless you press charges.

      1. Don’t know about New York but in many states the victim initiates a complaint by filing a report.
        The States Atty. is the one who “presses charges”. In some instances a charge can be filed even if the complaint is withdrawn.

    2. Reason 1: Cops would probably give him shit for doing their job.
      Reason 2: Hipsters don’t press charges for the irony.
      Reason 3: Canadians are programmed to submit, whether to authority or a thief.

    3. I would definitely want that too, but ironically I’m guessing the fact that he’s now back in possession of his property would make it very much harder to prove anything.

      Plus, you know, Apple user/hipster.

  13. Blatant marketing stunt fools gullible internet morons — film at 11.

    I know because I can see everything.

    1. Hahahaha.

      RIP, bro!

  14. As much as I’d like to give the cops shit for this, Sean (the original laptop owner) made a good point in the twitter feed during the surveillance-

    “I don’t want to get all up in NYPD. Who knows, maybe there’s a bunch of actual important stuff to take care of.”

    The cops can’t just respond to every person who calls them and says “Um, some dude stole my laptop and he’s in the Starbucks on 5th Ave RIGHT NOW!!! GO GET HIM!!!” without getting more evidence for the crime, such as proof that it’s your laptop in the first place. Since it’s illegal to give a false statement to a police officer on a report this is how they weed out those who really need the help and those who are just trying to use cops to manipulate a situation.

    I think Sean probably would agree with this as well, and I’m glad he got the laptop back and no one got hurt. This story could have turned out a thousand times worse.

    1. I think Sean probably would agree with this as well, and I’m glad he got the laptop back and no one got hurt. This story could have turned out a thousand times worse.

      How could it have ended up worse?
      Confrontation leads to hipster beatdown by perp…better
      Overreacting cop beats hipster with MacBook…better
      (sideline story) Hipster bartender gets teh AIDS from hipster skank drinking shots and PBR…better
      Cop thinks hipster at bar is filming him results in hipster beatdown…better

      I can in no way see how creating a confrontation with NYC’s finest and hipster douchebags can end in any way other than LULZ. You are free to form your own opinion, for the irony.

      1. Hipster gets hot chick and they both help “reformed” perp obtain a big fat community redevelopment grant to “invest” in his business…worse?

        1. [Head explodes]

  15. From my quick read, it looks like the laptop was left in a bag at a bar some guy owned, and the guy started using it. How the bag got there, we’ll never know.

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