Music

Biggest Soft Rock Bomb Since Bertie Higgins "Key Largo" Followup "Casablanca" Hits Orange County

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….as bomb squad called in to defuse a suspicious package in the small northern OC city of Cypress that turned out to be a Carpenters single.

Since our entire culture seems to have been hypnotized by a benevolent providence into forgetting that Bertie "Bogie" Higgins was desperate enough to try such a lamely obvious followup to his unforgettable "Key Largo" (we had it all, baby….), here's the lyrics.

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  1. The property was an old 45 single by The Carpenters, with a note asking police to find its original owner.

    Yeah, I’m sure they’ll assign five or six detectives to the case.

    1. They’ve got four more detectives working on the case. They got us working in shifts!

    2. There is already a special investigative unit locating Carpenters fans. There aren’t as many as you’d think.

      My little brother is schizophrenic; this sort of thing reminds me of things heavily medicated schizos will sometimes do:

      Find some random object, then spend hours wondering how to return it to its proper owner; finally freak out over the impossibility of the task, wrap it in a box and bring it to the police: clearly they are more capable. Go home and feel much better; suddenly start worrying that you left fingerprints on the box and that the police will assume you stole the 45 and will spend weeks tracking you down. Spend many sleepless nights. Find a police officer on the street one day, and start apologizing uncontrollably. When he tells you “everythings OK”, start worrying about what they’re *really* doing with your fingerprints if not trying to find you.

      I’ve seen this kind of thing happen. Its really sad.

      Plus, I love in the article how they jump from the sentence you quote, to “Karen Carpenter’s dead body used to be housed in…” Seriously, who wrote this story, David Lynch?

  2. I cannot believe they failed to detonate in place. What a waste.

  3. The terrorists don’t need a mosque near ground zero to rub victory in our faces. They don’t need to send suicide bombers to airports. No, they can shut down American commerce by simply leaving cardboard boxes on street corners, in malls, in front of post offices, etc. etc.

    1. SHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Dont give them ideas!

  4. The terrorists have won.

  5. Here is another example of a city shut down because of a “bomb”.

    1. Authorities will try to contact the person’s whose name is on the cards to find out why the pack was left alone.

      Wow. Not trying to contact them to let them know they found and destroyed their property, but to find out WHY THEY LEFT IT THERE.

      Talk about guilty until proven innocent.

  6. Gee thanks Doherty..now I will have that godforesaken Key Largo song running through my head for the rest of the day….

  7. Rainy days and false-alarm bomb scares always get me down.

  8. Suspicious package. 😉

  9. The Carpenters to “Bogie” Higgins? Now that’s an obscure reference. I still can’t make heads nor tails of it. Hat’s off to Doherty.

  10. Doherty is in rare form today.

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