Nanny State

Putting the F in Florida

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The alt text is implied

Every state passes dumb laws all the time. And then there's Florida:

A python prohibition, bong ban, horse thievery crackdown and no-limit poker games are included in some of about 140 new laws going on the books Thursday in Florida along with the state's new $70.4 billion budget. […]

New criminal laws will require background checks of youth sports coaches, mandate tracking of over-the-counter sales of ephedrine, which can be used to make methamphetamine, and lift statutes of limitation in criminal and civil sex abuse cases involving minors.

Other new laws will set safety standards for tomatoes in the wake of a false salmonella scare and make it harder to win slip-and-fall lawsuits against businesses.

You're under arrest!

Some great legislator quotes:

"We don't need any more snakes, especially ones that can grow over 20 feet long, weigh hundreds of pounds and eat almost anything they encounter," said the law's sponsor, Sen. Eleanor Sobel, D-Hollywood. […]

"In the Old West, they used to hang horse thieves," said state Rep. Luis Garcia, a Miami Democrat who sponsored the law. "We no longer practice vigilante justice, nor am I advocating as such, but I will not sit back any longer and let this horrendous crime of illegal horse slaughter continue."

Link via the Twitter feed of former Reason intern and eternal Floridian Mike Riggs.

NEXT: Is It Constitutional? Well, It's Dumb, but That's Not the Same Thing. All Right Then.

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  1. That’s waisis.

  2. Dammit ProLib! You gotta talk some sense into your legislators. Like now, dammit. No horse thievery? Really?

    1. I know exactly one state senator, and he doesn’t do anything I say.

  3. make it harder to win slip-and-fall lawsuits against businesses.

    Ok, I’ll bite. What’s so bad about that one?

    1. What if you slip and fall? Then you can’t get a sympathetic jury to give you someone else’s money because they can “afford” it. Case closed.

    2. Why the necessity of a new law? Did Florida have some odd evidentiary standard that made slip and falls easier to prove than in other negligence cases? Why should slip and fall lawsuits receive specialized treatment?

    3. ‘Cause….well, umm, FUCK people who watch where they step! That’s WHY!

  4. What about the bongs?

  5. We don’t need any more snakes, especially ones that can grow over 20 feet long, weigh hundreds of pounds and eat almost anything they encounter,”

    In that picture with the snake is a cop, two cop cars, and a road. The snake didn’t eat any of those. It’d be cool to see it eat the cop, though.

    1. Better alt-text:

      Cop: This is what it’s like when I whip it out and take a leak.

      1. Send this here first in for the dogs. Bullets are expensive.

        1. But then they have to wait till winter, or till the gorillas eat the snakes.

    2. There are two cop cars in that pic and only one cop. You do the math.

      1. The one in the back looks like a minivan to me….so there’s 3-5 cops for a snake in the road. That wasn’t your point though, so i’ll shut up.

      2. That’s got to be the one who took the photo.

    3. “We don’t need any more snakes, especially ones that can grow over 20 feet long, weigh hundreds of pounds and eat almost anything they encounter,” said the law’s sponsor, Sen. Eleanor Sobel, D-Hollywood.

      That’ll be enough insurrectionist talk, Bud.

  6. We’re here! We’re queer! We don’t want any more snakes!

  7. The Python ban is not so bad if way too late. For years fuckheads bought pythons that they had no ability to care for and then turned them loose in the everglades when the “cool little snake” they bought got to be ten feet and very dangerous. Pythons are an invasive species that are doing untold damage. There are few lower forms of life on earth than dipshits who buy snakes because they want to be cool.

    And yes large pythons are very dangerous. They are incredibly strong and can kill just as easy as a venomous snake if they get the urge. Talk to the herpetologist at your local zoo sometime. He or she will tell you that they consider their large constrictors to be just as dangerous as any of their vipers.

    1. Well said. The ban would have been great 10 years ago. Now it’s not much help.

      Want to end this problem? Unlimited hunting of pythons in the everglades and establish a law that forces anyone selling a reptile to accept it back at their expense if the new owner decides not to keep it (the owner would not be able to get a refund either.)

      Kill off what they have there and make selling or buying these things really really painful and the problem will go away.

      1. They make damn pretty boots and handbags. Just as good as gator. And I suppose you could probably get some dumb ass foodie or redneck to eat the meat if you marketed it right. A good sized bounty and open season on them is the way to go.

        1. Rattlesnake sausages are the market.

          1. Rattlesnake? Really? What do they taste like?

              1. What doesn’t? Except Paul Krugman, I suspect. I’ll bet he tastes like…well, I don’t know what. Perhaps Chony can illuminate us?

              2. Here, have a +1.

      2. Kill off what they have there and make selling or buying these things really really painful and the problem will go away.

        Like engaging in prostitution, buying guns in states where they are prohibited, using and selling drugs, IllegalImmigrants, speeding and rolling stops, drunk driving, theft, teen pregnancy, poor nutrition choices leading to disease, and all sorts of other things that prohibition and political ostracizing has failed to curb, much less prevent?

        I thought it was agreed here that prohibition solves nothing and exacerbates ills.

        Perhaps if we just licensed these activities, that would make all our problems go away…

        1. a bounty is not prohibition…you chump

          1. Bounty hunting of pythons is fine. It’s a free market solution and may even be profitable as the meat could be marketed as a delicacy. Prohibition and regulation of owning said snakes is not a free market solution and should be not entertained.

            1. “Carpe Carp!” (too laxy to look up the cite)

    2. For years fuckheads bought pythons that they had no ability to care for and then turned them loose in the everglades when the “cool little snake” they bought got to be ten feet and very dangerous.

      Except that myth has been thoroughly debunked. While some raving paranoics estimated 100,000 non-native snakes in the Everglades the number captured during a recent hunting season was zero.

      1. So there are not any snakes down there? Where are the ones that have been captured coming from? I have heard the 100,000 figure as well. If not 100,000 how many? And if the population didn’t come from dumb fuck snake owners where did it come from?

        1. And if the population didn’t come from dumb fuck snake owners where did it come from?

          Horsehairs, duh.

          1. I am so stealing that horsehair idea. I smell a Pulitzer Prize.

        2. So there are not any snakes down there? Where are the ones that have been captured coming from? I have heard the 100,000 figure as well. If not 100,000 how many? And if the population didn’t come from dumb fuck snake owners where did it come from?

          So far we have a handful of captured non-native snakes, a picture of an exploded Burmese python who tried to eat an alligator, an exotic pet salesman who fraudulently claimed to have found a 20-foot python in a culvert and a bunch of lively anecdotes. I propose that the state assemble a blue-ribbon panel of Charlie “Don’t-Call-Me-Jesus” Christ, the sisters Bob and Mel Martinez and Lawton Chiles’s son Dipshit Coon. Those four can personally walk hand-in-hand across every square foot of the Everglades and count every snake they come across. With any luck the first one they find strangles all of them.

          1. I think there are more snakes down there than you say. And SKR’s point about the winter seems like a good one. But I am none the less all for your proposed solution. That is damned solid thinking.

        3. well, when a daddy python and a mommy python love each other very, very much…

      2. that’s not etirely true. There was an unseasonally cold winter that decimated the python population. But those pythons had to get there in the first place, but most likely vector being pet owners. I suppose the snake that that co is holding is rubber right?

        1. I was wondering about that last winter. I saw where it was wiping out the iguanas down there. So it wiped out the Pytons to? I sure hope so.

          1. Don’t know about the pythons, but I had a bumper crop of dead iguanas. One fell out of a tree right in front of the wife and kids. Bloated iguana carcass floating in the canal is pretty unattractive.

            For the Peta activists in the crowd – don’t worry, the greedy little fuckers have already come back in full force. They pretty much breed like cockroaches. I haven’t seen as many 5 footers, but give it a couple of years and that’ll take care of itself.

              1. Ah Groovus, you have done all of us FO addicts proud.

                I recently started a new character, and am trying to do Pt. Lookout at level 15. It’s pretty rough out there. Even the lowbie mobs are tougher than Super Mutant Monsters. The reward – tons of pre-war cash, double barrel shotguns, and the lever action rifle.

              2. Too small and bony, squirrel and pigeon are better eatin.

        2. that’s not entirely true.

          Actually it is entirely true. They captured zero non-native snakes. Fish and Wildlife officials theorize that the cold weather killed some of the population and suppressed the number that were out in the open. It may also be that the 100,000 number was whipped out of somebody’s ass and the complete lack of evidence once there was an actual opportunity to validate it shows this.

          1. zero non-native snakes

            So?!?! Fuck the native snakes, this is OUR land, and they can eat a bag of dicks and die in a fire. THEY DON’T BELONG HERE.

            Wait, what?

          2. That’s not really the part I was talking about. Just because they don’t catch any doesn’t mean they aren’t there. If a few hundred escape the catch they will reproduce and you are back to square one, especially if you continue to allow the possession of those animals.

            1. Only in politics is the absence of facts to support a theory, proof positive that that theory is accurate.

              Sorry but in science “The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.” is not valid reasoning.

    3. I’m willing to cut the Florida legislators a little slack on this.

      Invasive species is a real problem.
      Sometimes the government is the culprit, sometimes it’s private business.

      1. Wild horses are an invasive species that devastate the environment. If capturing these equine invaders for their tasty healthy meat was legal FLA wouldn’t need that ban.

        1. pfft, equine invaders.

          Call me when you find the porcine invaders. I’ve got the wood chips and sauce ready to roll.

          1. There’s porcine invaders all over the SE. They are a major pest. You can hunt ’em year round. In GA (and elsewhere?)you can use thermal and night vision sights to shoot in the dark.

            1. YEEEE-muthafuckin-HAAAAA, i live in the wrong part of the east cost dammit!

            2. Feral pigs are all over the place and cause a lot of damage. mmmmmm.

              1. So’s yer ol’ man.

    4. When pythons are outlawed….

    5. John, you do realize that substitute “lawyer” and “legal advisor” for every snake reference,e.g. “python”, “viper” in particular and your argument form is still sound.

      Talk to the herpetologist at your local zoo sometime.

      Is this where lawyers get their medical care? Pro’L Dib, did’nt you study veterinary medicine at one time?

      1. A python in the hand is worth two pigs in the bush?

    6. Let’s back down on the dangerous python hyperbole. That snake, a Burmese python, will grow upwards of 20 feet, but dangerous they are not (not to humans anyways). They’re quite docile.

      But yes, you’re right about the buying a snake they cant care for. I owned one until she got about 7′ when I sold her. My next door neighbor had one that was a hair shy of 18 feet. Neither were dangerous by any stretch to anything otter than small furry critters.

      The snakes are not the problem. It’s shit fuck owners who drop them in the glades.

  8. I’ll bite harder: what’s wrong with the rest of the laws mentioned?

    I didn’t RTFA and don’t plan to, but my guess is I wouldn’t have much of a problem with the snake ban, the horse thievery crackdown, the tomato standards, the lawsuit restrictions, and *maybe* the statute of limitations extensions.

    But what do I know? The point is, let’s hear why these laws are dumb, rather than just assuming it.

  9. The horse thievery thing is really bizzare. Apparently there are immigrant black market butcher shops that sell horse meat. Since they can’t get it legally, they sneak into a paddock at night and butcher the horse right there – making off with the choice cuts and leaving the rest of the carcass to rot. Since these are pets and race horses, not stock animals, this is some pretty sick shit. Imaging coming home and finding your dog not only shot, but cut up for steaks.

    1. When alcohol was illegal Al Capone would have people cut up into bits.

      We don’t need this law…we need to get rid of the horse meat prohibition.

      1. If horse meat were legal, people would still have the motivation to steal your horse and have it slaughtered.

        It is not like they just can’t buy the thing now and slaughter it and sell it illegally. The illegal part doesn’t mean they have to steal the horse. The scum that do that, would still be doing it, even if it were legal to sell horse meat.

        1. No, John, if horse meat were legal, someone would get the idea that raising horses for meat would be a profitable business. They would sell the carcasses to butcher shops for tidy profit and people who wanted horse meat could buy it openly.

          Black markets tend to die when the commodities they trade in are available cheaply and legally at the corner store.

          1. yes Hugh, but it would still be cheaper to steal the horse and sell it than raise it. It is legal to build and sell cars in this country, but it still pays to steal them and sell the parts if you can get away with it.

            1. so what you are telling me is that govenment can’t regulate away bad behavior? interesting

            2. What?! When is it legal for someone like me to build a car from scratch? I’m not a business. Nobody is allowed to buy raw industrial materials anymore unless they are already in business. Otherwise, they’re definitely building a bomb, as the whole building-my-own-car thing is just a highly typical college-boy cover story. Businesses never, ever use fronts, or any devious practices at all.

              1. The point to that is of course people are gonna steal? You think you can just go raise horses on your own, at the cost of only running a farm and caring for horses? No, mugs like us gotta pay to play, see? You gotta pay for inspections, insurance, all kinds of inflated garbage to keep the big guys making record profits, and the little guys unable to get started, much less compete.

            3. Apply this horrible logic to the drug war and see where it leads you.

        2. No, not really. If it’s legal and there’s a market, it would be produced at such a low cost that thieves wouldn’t be willing to risk the higher cost of getting caught. Just apply the usual anarchocapitalist arguments against prohibitions of all kinds.

          1. I guess that is why no one ever steals products that are legal.

            1. They do. But theft of cattle and hogs is not a major problem (though I am sure it happens) because there is a legal market in their meat. The prohibition on eating certain kinds of animals is just stupid.

            2. What’s your fucking point, John? People steal all kinds of things? Want to take your position to its logical conclusion?

        3. the illegal part makes the value of the meat very high. That is the motivation. The reason the don’t just buy horses is because that would create a paper trail that could be easily followed and lead to arrest for butchering and selling horse meat. By just stealing them, they are far less likely to be caught. If it were legal to butcher horse meat, there would be businesses that would simply sell them whatever they needed at a lower price that would not justify breaking the law. It’s not like they are doing it for kicks. How many times do we have to tell people that prohibition leads to black markets and criminal behavior?

          1. I am not saying it doesn’t lead to black markets. I am saying that even with legal markets people still steal.

            Fair enough about the value of the meat being higher since it is illegal. But how much higher? And people have been stealing horses since the dawn of time. It far from clear that lowering the price would lower the amount of theft. And there is no paper trail on a horse. There is nothing to stop these guys from buying horses and slaughtering them. They just don’t want to because it is cheaper to steal.

            Not all crime is the result of prohibition. Some of it is. But not all of it.

            1. That is very true, John. But is there a big problem right now with thieves walking on to dairy farms and killing cows, butchering them on the spot, and selling the meat?

              If not, there probably wouldn’t be a big problem with horses either. Especially not in a context where they are pets. I could probably get on to a dairy farm or a goat dairy farm around here and steal you a cow or goat with no problem – but the people with horses will cut your hearts out if you so much as look at their property line.

              1. “But is there a big problem right now with thieves walking on to dairy farms and killing cows, butchering them on the spot, and selling the meat?”

                Yes. Cattle rustling is still a big business. It happens a lot more than you think.

            2. Yes people will steal even with laws against it. But when was the last time you heard about a cattle rustling epidemic, or chicken thefts in order to supply a butcher shop? Does that mean people don’t steal chickens, of course not but in the abscence of a high profit motive obviously created by a prohibition on horse meat sales it is a pretty safe bet that the incidence of theft would decrease.

              1. ok so cattle theft is a problem, but that probably has something to do with the remoteness of the ranges.

                1. You don’t hear as much about cattle theft because cows are not people’s pets. So the ranchers turn it in on their insurance and go about their business. That doesn’t make as good a local news story as National Velvet ending up a stake.

                  1. That doesn’t make as good a local news story as National Velvet ending up a stake.

                    That wasn’t me.

                    Boyars, yes. Horsies, no.

                  2. that and the are in the sticks

                  3. that and they are in the sticks

                    1. You have a problem with the sticks. No sticks, no steaks.

                2. cattle theft is a problem

                  Wtf, what happened to cowboys?! Slackin, guys, total fuckin slackage.

                  Don’t tell me i need to go out there…you thought jewish cowboys were a joke? Imagine a computernerd cowboy…least my horse would have WiFi…

    2. Raw horse meat is a regional delicacy in Nagano Prefecture in Japan, and I enjoy it.

      1. An herbivore is an herbivore, right?

        *looks at the vegetarians hungrily*

  10. I totally support the python ban.

    Now they just need to offer a bounty on any you can catch and kill.

    And they should make it like bounty hunting for bail jumpers, where if you think they’re in a house you can just bust in and shoot the place up without a warrant.

    In fact, this might be the perfect way to solve the whole “SWAT Team Shoots Dog” problem. SWAT teams want to keep busy, and they want to have lots of fun firing their weapons, so we can send them on snake hunts and leave poor dogs and pot smokers alone.

    1. And if the snakes are residing in a house with a pot smoker and a dog? Oh and children too? With poor nutrition and a package of Sudafed is plain sight? Hell, the owner may even be a coach who feeds his dog horse meat.

      1. Just more of your crazy libertarian conspiracy theory paranoiac ravings, I see.

    1. That was more informative than just about any interview I’ve ever seen on the MSM.

    2. I hope we end up with a full series on different topics all in the “zombie interview” genre. It’s like a normal interview of a libertarian from a MSM source, but lots more succinct and lots funnier. Funny as hell.

  11. lift statutes of limitation in criminal and civil sex abuse cases involving minors.

    Yeeeah, this one isn’t ripe for abuse at all. So a horny 17 year old bangs a 16 year old chick, then 20 years later can be brought up on charges for it?

    How long before the whole country is nothing but jails and churches?

    1. A lot of states passed these as a response to the molestation scandal in the Roman Catholic church where a large number of accused clergy could not be prosecuted or sued due to statute of limitations.

  12. ‘mandate tracking of over-the-counter sales of ephedrine’

    I was in line at checkout at Walgreens some years back. The guy in front of me was buying 10 packs of sudafed. Nothing else. I thought to myself: either he’s a polygamist with one huge family down with a cold, or he was doing some cooking in his garage.

    The teen-aged checker politely informed him that he could only buy 2 packs and then apologetically explained that she would have to ring it up as five separate transactions.

    I predict that eventually there will be a law that makes you a felon for buying sudafed for a third party. It’s the only way we’re gonna win the War on Drugs.

    1. Back in the day (mid-90s), Wal-Mart sold 100 ct. bottles for about 6 bucks.

      But now look how much they charge for a semi-banned substance. Pharmacys are laughing all the way to the bank.

      1. I believe I am repeating myself, but the shit that they sell without a signature is about as powerful as tap water, and as useful for people like me who have allergies. so, we have to sign our name to some list to get anything that can stop a sniffle. god forbid that teh phamacy is closed for the night! Those of you who do not suffer from debilitating bouts of allergies, do not post. You just don’t understand.

        1. I’m with you rac, this idiocy blows! I first encountered this on a visit to Duluth, MN where I came down with a bad cold and made a midnight run to Walmart to get some sudafed. Nope, you’ve got to get it from the pharmacist, and they are not here late at night. boy, was I pissed. I also learned that that PE crap doesn’t do squat.

          Actually, this kind of idiocy might win the war against the war – if they keep inconveniencing people who don’t have anything to do with illegal drugs for no good reason, maybe people will wake up. If not on principle, maybe for more selfish reasons.

          The anti-sudafed policy is even more idiotic because it resulted in the creation of Mexican meth labs that buy in bulk from Chinese drug manufacturers. The net result is a large drop in the price of meth and an increase in criminal activity in Mexico. brilliant strategy there, drug warriors!

        2. I agree fully, I have allergies. Actually, the tap water is more useful than the pseudo-sudafed crap, you can add salt and snort the saline and get some relief.

        3. I make my girlfriend buy it for me. I’m not putting my name in their book.

          1. Actifed was off the market for the lingest time. When it cam bakc I was so excited. Fucking letdown. I thought about buying Meth to see if there was any relief for my allergies.

            1. corticosteroids up the nose and singulair pills helps me quite a bit.

    2. I predict that eventually there will be a law that makes you a felon for buying sudafed. (PERIOD)

      FTFY

  13. pythons are edible. One way to help with this particular problem is to have a 12 month long python-hunting season. One in which no permit is needed if your only goal is to hunt pythons.

    This could also help fill the shelves of food-banks. You would kill three snakes with one stone. Help the hungry, help eliminate a non-native animal and provide a new sport for a state with a tourist-based economy.

    1. why on earth is there a season on them? you declare them vermin and let people hunt them on sight.

      1. We don’t have seasons for rats do we?

        1. John and rac,

          I live in Florida, a tourist driven state. I know a bit about marketing. If you call something a weed tourists do not want to buy it. If you call it an exotic plant you can call it an “air plant” stick it in a seashell with a refrigerator magnet and sell it for a large price.

          If you call them vermin they automaticly become less “exotic” and, in the eyes (or bellies) of tourists less edible. You want people to look at them in cages and eat them? Don’t make them think about rats. Make them think “this is an exotic animal that does not live where I do.”

          1. I used to live there too. I know whereof you speak. If your idea is to cage them and sell them to northerners, great. But they have to be little, and cute.

            1. I was thinking about python stew actually. Sort of like aligator stew.

            2. Try and make me.

          2. I know lots of tourists who want to buy weed. But seriously, I think you’re 12 month season idea is spot on. Not sure why John and rac didn’t understand that a 12 month hunting season without a license is the same as “you can kill it any time you want.”

            1. “WEEDS” Nick, “WEEDS”, Shut UP, SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

        2. “We don’t have seasons for rats do we?”

          It’s called the campaign season.

            1. So we can shoot them as long as elections are coming up? I’m confused.

      2. John, I answered the question below in case you missed it.

        In brief, the season the FWC has announced is strictly a season for state lands where guns are prohibited for any time of year that is not an hunting season.

        See below at 5:30 for more.

  14. Dr. Hibbert: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

    Homer: Florida? But that’s America’s wang!

    Dr. Hibbert: They prefer “The Sunshine State.”

    1. It sucks here. Sunny all the time, perfect winters, no income tax, Republican government…I’m talking about the Florida 60 miles north of Miami, or course.

      1. Bugs the size of small terriers, hurricanes and year around 100% humidity though.

        1. You forgot the biggest drawback: Floridians.

          1. Not many of those exist actually. Most of us came from elsewhere.

            1. I originally grew up in Ohio. But I also lived in Delaware for a while.

              1. Kentuckians are all from here. Which is even worse.

              2. I originally grew up in Ohio. But I also lived in Delaware for a while.

                And then Florida….you poor poor soul. I can’t imagine how you manage to stay sane.

          2. Actually, the drawback is the New Yorker / Jersey shore jackasses. Floridians are pretty easy going, as are the Canadians and midwesterners. The Conch Republic is awesome, as is the tacky and wonderful tourist haven of central Florida.

            1. I’m talking about the Florida 60 miles north of Miami, or course.

              That cuts out at least 50% of them, if not more.

          3. My greatest privilege as a native Floridian in the late 90s was being able to listen to local personality, Larry the Cable Guy, do a 2 minute bit every day on the radio.

        2. Flying bugs the size of small terriers…

          1. Don’t forget the snakes! The real downside of the python problem is that the last thing Florida needed was more snakes. Why not something like koala bears?

            1. The reason it had to be snakes is that people don’t keep koala bears as pets. The problem is people bought cute little pythons and then, as they naturaly do, they grew up. When this happens in northern states the pythons die in the first winter. In Florida, our winters are mild by comparison and (in most winters) a majority of those pythons can survive.

              1. “Snakes…Why did it have to be snakes?”

                1. Well goddammit, Indy, where doesn’t it hurt?!

              2. The problem is that there are people who think little pythons are cute.

                I think we need a massive eugenics program to eliminate this strain of unperson.

                1. DON’T.

                  DATE.

                  SNAKES.

                2. “I think we need a massive eugenics program to eliminate this strain of unperson.”

                  Yes we do.

                  1. Yes we do.

                    Particularly the lawyers, except the one that post here. Pro’L Dib’s seed must live on! I needed the good laugh you gave me John, when you mentioned seeing the herpetologist upthread. I’m sure there is a lawyer joke there somewhere.

                    1. Herpetology is a great stepping stone career to being a managing partner or law professor.

                    2. I am a lawyer. i won’t try to defend my profession. Much of what we do is indefensible anyway. But I want to clarify something. I don’t hate snakes. I just feel that peopel should be free to kill all pests without having someone getting on your ass all the time. As in my wife, who loves all creatures, great and small. Except my fat ass, apparently.

                    3. “I am a lawyer….But I want to clarify something. I don’t hate snakes.”

                      Duh?

                    4. If lawyers didn’t fuck everyone, they wouldn’t need to see the herpestologist.

            2. Why not something like koala bears?

              How about a Gambian pouched rat? They’re present in the Keys.

              1. “Ability to detect land mines and tuberculosis by scent” Fascinating.

                1. Wow, didn’t notice that. Evidently, the the trained ones are called “HeroRATS”.

          2. this is why i live in L.A.

        3. It’s not humid year round. Not sucky humid, anyway. It’s a bitch right now, but it still beats winter.

          1. Like we needed the help chasing off tourists in this economy. Fuck you, America!

            1. Have the geriatric population take a dip in the crude. Old people have dry and brittle skin. Perhaps a dip in the oil will firm up the skin and help keep in hydration.

              1. No, with our luck, it will turn out that oil mixed with dispersants is an excellent anti-aging treatment. Old people from across the world will rush to Florida. Baby boomers will all rush to live here.

                1. The Russians will rush here, rushingly. Bathing in oil and eating yogurt.

                  1. The Russians will rush here, rushingly. Bathing in oil and eating yogurt.

                    And beets. They love some borscht over there.

                2. Perhaps Juan Ponce de Leon was right after all. He just missed it by a few centuries.

        4. The tap water in the panhandle tastes just like me.

      2. I wonder how Florida manages to get 50+ inches of rain a year with it being sunny all the time?

        1. It’s sunny for a big chunk of the year. Even in the rainy season, it just rains part of the day, then it’s all sun.

        2. That’s from the mandatory 2pm thunderstorm every fucking day.

          1. It’s rained very little so far this year.

            1. That’s changing. I drove past some scary whitecaps on the way home the last two days.

              1. Through pouring rain, I should add.

            2. You can have some of Tallahassee’s. We’ve been getting wrath of god style downpours in the afternoon for weeks.

          2. I grew up in Florida and can attest to this.

        3. I will admit that desert states get more sunshine. But as a former Ohioan I can tell you I get FAR more sunshine than I got in the region of Ohio where worship of The Buckeyes in mandatory.

          1. where worship of The Buckeyes IS mandatory.

          2. That was a big shock when I moved to Columbus. 290 days of cloud cover–the same as more notoriously cloudy Portland. Almost the inverse of Tampa. Egad.

            1. Was just in Tampa. 94 fucking degrees. Went outside for 5 seconds and started sweating immediately. So glad I don’t live in FL any more. You’re probably glad I don’t live there any more, too. FL doesn’t need any more assholes.

              1. It’s been brutally hot lately. I just about passed out planting some grass plugs this weekend.

                1. I left Florida, in part because of the heat and humidity. It can be beautiful sometimes though.

            2. It’s the Ohio Valley. Even on a “clear” day, when you fly out of it, it looks like a bowl of cloudy soup.

      3. Houston is the same thing. The summers aren’t exactly fun, but it’s pretty nice.

        1. I find December, January and February to be generally pleasant, almost ideal, in South Florida.

          Often it is 70-76, with lower humidity. I also find it to be a magic elixir for seasonal affectation disorder; hence, I love to visit anytime after we turn the clocks back in late october.

        2. I know Floridians who complained about Houston. Something about heat, humidity and flash floods. And traffic. Not that Tampa or Miami is a picnic.

  15. My python solution: Have someone “leak” to Asia that Florida python parts have been outlawed in the U.S. because they are some potent combination of Viagra and Extenz. Once someone thinks these snakes make your dick bigger or harder, they won’t be one left in the Everglades.

    1. I’m down with that. Does anyone here know Mandarin?

  16. From Carl Hiaasen’s “Tourist Season”

    “Brian, what is Florida anyway? An immense sunny toilet where millions of tourists flush their money and save the moment on Kodak film. The recipe for redemption is simple: scare away the tourists and pretty soon you scare off the developers. No more developers, no more bankers. No more bankers, no more lawyers. No more lawyers, no more dope smugglers. The whole motherfucking economy implodes! Now, tell me I’m crazy.”

    Brian Keyes knew better than to do that.

    “So the question,” Wiley went on, “is how to scare away the tourists.”

    “Murder a few,” Keyes said.

    “For starters.”

    “Skip, there’s got to be another way.”

    “No!” Wiley shot to his feet, uprooting the beach umbrella with his head. “There…is…no…other way! Think about it, you mullusk-brained moron! What gets headlines? Murder, mayhem, and madness–the cardinal M’s of the newsroom. That’s what terrifies the travel agents of the world. That’s what rates congressional hearings and crime commissions. And that’s what frightens off bozo Shriner conventions. It’s a damn shame, I grant you that. It’s a shame I simply couldn’t stand up at the next county commission meeting and ask our noble public servants to please stop destroying the planet. It’s a shame that the people who poisoned this paradise won’t just apologize and pack their U-Hauls and head back North to the smog and the blizzards. But it’s a proven fact they won’t leave until somebody lights a fire under ’em.”

  17. From Carl Hiaasen’s “Tourist Season”

    “Brian, what is Florida anyway? An immense sunny toilet where millions of tourists flush their money and save the moment on Kodak film. The recipe for redemption is simple: scare away the tourists and pretty soon you scare off the developers. No more developers, no more bankers. No more bankers, no more lawyers. No more lawyers, no more dope smugglers. The whole motherfucking economy implodes! Now, tell me I’m crazy.”

    Brian Keyes knew better than to do that.

    “So the question,” Wiley went on, “is how to scare away the tourists.”

    “Murder a few,” Keyes said.

    “For starters.”

    “Skip, there’s got to be another way.”

    “No!” Wiley shot to his feet, uprooting the beach umbrella with his head. “There…is…no…other way! Think about it, you mullusk-brained moron! What gets headlines? Murder, mayhem, and madness–the cardinal M’s of the newsroom. That’s what terrifies the travel agents of the world. That’s what rates congressional hearings and crime commissions. And that’s what frightens off bozo Shriner conventions. It’s a damn shame, I grant you that. It’s a shame I simply couldn’t stand up at the next county commission meeting and ask our noble public servants to please stop destroying the planet. It’s a shame that the people who poisoned this paradise won’t just apologize and pack their U-Hauls and head back North to the smog and the blizzards. But it’s a proven fact they won’t leave until somebody lights a fire under ’em.”

    1. Carl is a native Floridian.

      1. I live about an hour and a half south of Tampa.

        I am not a native but I can understand his sentiment (no, I do not endorse murder) but during tourist season the streets are clogged by arrogant New Yorkers parking their cars. They park in the library parking lot and do not use the library. They park in the post office parking lot and do not use the post office. They think they own the fucking place. It is very annoying. There are times I would rather pick oranges in the hot sun for hours a day than cater to these arrogant New Yorkers. Sorry, but I have noticed New Yorkers are the worst. Yea, I read license plates.

        1. Tampa was almost perfect before people from the Northeast began moving here. For a long time, it was a great mix of Cubans, blacks, Southerners, and Midwesterners.

          1. Yeah. The same thing really happened to California in the 1960s. I am not old enough to know but my family out there says it was paradise. And the people there in the 50s were much the way you describe old time Floridians. Then the Northeasterners started moving west and before you knew it the state was full of assholes.

          2. I feel your pain. This place was great before paleface showed up.

            1. Likewise, motherfucker.

              1. What about us?

                1. STFU. Those motherfuckers shot danm near all of us and gave you a paradise. You’re all over the place like fucking rats without us there to eat you.

        2. You might refine your understandable distaste of New Yorkers to the City ones. I’m a former New Yorker myself, but from “upstate” (everything north of The Bronx) where the citizens are mostly normal, polite humans with manners.

          1. Citation needed.

          2. I meant the city primarily.

          3. Unfortunately the license plates do not tell me what part of the state they are from. It would be interesting if they did, you might be right.

        3. Town Car + out of state tags = stay the hell away from me.

          PIRS, you must be near Venice or Englewood.

          1. Close, I live in Sarasota.

            1. So is it old people you really hate, or just the old New Yorkers?

              1. New Yorkers of ANY age. Old people drive really slow so that is somewhat anoying but other than that the old people from places other than New York are kind and otherwise nice. But the New Yorkers of ANY age are just fucking assholes.

                1. Are you a Cleveland Indians fan by any chance?
                  I kid.

                  1. Rays of corse!

                    1. When I moved to Florida I tried to forget as much about Ohio as possible.

                    2. Good idea. But your Rays are going down. And their TV announcers are obnoxious homers, especially Hair Club Guy.

                    3. No, I think they’ll pull it out. The pitching is too awesome to allow the season to fall apart. This is just a nice slump.

                    4. Just don’t be calling me no slacker, cracker.

                    5. They can’t be as obnoxious as John Sterling.

    2. That’s really awful prose. Did episiarch ghost-write it?

  18. I wonder if pythons can be forced to eat oil? I’m envisioning a perfect solution to two problems.

  19. Sorry, but I have noticed New Yorkers are the worst.

    A large percentage of them, but not all of us.

  20. background checks of youth sports coaches, mandate tracking of over-the-counter sales of ephedrine, which can be used to make methamphetamine, and lift statutes of limitation in criminal and civil sex abuse cases involving minors

    One in three ain’t bad?

  21. The snake hunting season in Florida is only for state lands. Hunting seasons for all animals including ones that have no closed seasons are established on state lands to make the carrying of firearms legal for those periods. The rest of the year they are the liberals beloved gun-free zones.

    On your own land, you and your guests can hunt most snake species (I think there are some endangered ones that are compleately protected) plus the following, wild hogs, rabbits, raccoons, opossums, skunks, nutrias, beavers and coyotes all year-round. on state lands you have to wait til actual hunting season, and then you have to follow the rules about what kind of implements are allowed (archery season, blackpowder, no centerfire rifles etc) for that particular period.

    Don’t see rats on that list, but I’m pretty sure noone will interfere with you kill a rat just about anywhere. Someone may get upset if you use your deer rifle to do it, though.

  22. Oh, and according to this article:

    Selling and eating horse meat is legal in many states. In Florida, selling horse meat is legal if it is “stamped, marked and described as horse meat for human consumption.” It is illegal to steal the horses or slaughter them improperly.

    So it seems more likely that the stealing and killing is happening to fill a small niche market which is not currently satisfied due to no one entering the legal market because of insufficient demand. That low demand is more than likely due to a number of cultural factors the most prominent of which is sentimentality about the creatures.

    So it would appear that no one is entering the market and no existing slaughterhouse is willing to shift resources to killing and packing horsemeat due to a combination of low demand and additional regulatory burdens. Bur illegality of horsemeat itself is not a factor. Florida is not California…yet. 🙂

    1. Congress passed a horse slaughter ban. The Senate killed it. Any doubt President Obama would sign if it passed both houses? You’d have to be insane to risk opening a horse abbatoir right now. Don’t expect a loan from the bank either.

      1. They shoot horses, don’t they?

  23. YOU are an E.P.!

  24. Wow, a big snake, I fear a snake.

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