Product Liability

The Judge Said the Case's Outcome Turned on Poor Briefing


Why yes, I am linking to this story about a frivolous lawsuit just so I could use that headline.

NEXT: The Peril of Palatability

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  1. Only someone with massive testicles could have filed such a suit. Lesser men would have withered in shame for bringing such a matter before a court. I must conclude that the girth of the gonads must have indeed gapped his shorts.

  2. I totally agree with the author of that piece. Wtf kind of dude ignores penile chafing until he can barely walk? Unless he has one of those horrible conditions SugarFree likes to write about…

    But I guess the real lesson here is that one should wear boxers.

  3. His evidence was limp, at best.


    1. And his arguments flaccid.

  4. I’m pleased to see that the guy appeared pro se. IOW, he did not find a lawyer willing to take this case.

    1. It’s still argument #52,689 for “loser pays.”

  5. The astoundingly stupid part is that he ties the on-going damage to his penis to the fact that he cannot visually examine it. He has no feeling in his penis? I can the underwear touching my penis right down, with no chafing at all.

    And as someone who has drunkenly chafed his penis on one memorable occasion, it’s not something you just ignore for a few days. Walking is agony.

    1. Don’t ask me to look at it…

  6. This, folks, is why I go commando.

    And as someone who has drunkenly chafed his penis on one memorable occasion

    Yeah, but what did the mechanical bull look like afterward?

    1. It was in worse shape than me. Trust.

    2. Chafed Johnson is an indicator of a mechanical sheep (not a bull). You can find them in all the finer cowboy bars in Montana.

  7. Epi, you really don’t want to know.

  8. I can’t do commando. I need a measure of junk confinement and control. Don’t like boxers either. I always feel like I straddling a fence. It’s fancy nuthuggers all the way for me. Rowr.

  9. My favorite penis injury story comes from Lovelines the MTV show that afflicted the world with Adam Carolla.

    The caller was having his girlfriend cowgirl him in chair, they got out of rhythm, his penis slipped out and she came down on him. His penis bent double with “an audible crack.” For the last six months “the middle of his penis to the tip won’t get hard.” When he asked Dr. Drew for help, the aghast Drew just sort of nervously laughed and shrugged.

    1. See, Radley, this is why you never ever post anything remotely genital-related on H&R. If we wanted insights into the insane fucked-upness that is SugarFree’s mind, we’d read his blog goddammit.

      1. More genital posts! MORE I SAY!

        1. No matter what they tell you (“it isn’t the number of posts, but the quality of the bloggin”), EVERYONE is looking for a blog with 12 genital posts a day. To be honest, they’d be thrilled with 9 posts a day.

          The sad truth, though, is that most blogs only have 5-6 genital related posts per day (even those blogs that cover african-american issues, no matter what the stereotypes say).

          1. This reminds me that I have not read a single Feministring or Jezebel thread today. SF, do thine office.

            1. Not the usual suspects: 30 Rock‘s Ableism

              1. This just showed up on Balko’s always informative Twitter feed.

                Radley, I’m hoping you saw this here, and aren’t as compelled as Sug to troll lesser-known feminist sites.

                1. No one reads lesser known feminist sites but lesser-known feminists and SugarFree. The rest of us read the choicer bits when he links to them. That is his function in society.

                  If SugarFree did not exist, we would have to invent him.

                  1. Of course, if SugarFree did not exist, the men on this forum would not have had a ghastly penile fracture story seared into their memory – thereby proving that Life is full of trade-offs.

          2. genital-related

    2. No no noooooo

      I did not need to know that this could actually happen!

      AAGGGHHHHH now I’m going to think of this every freaking time I have sex for the rest of my life!

      I HATE YOU

      1. Reading anything I write is emotional Russian Roulette. Everyday I try to make this place more like The Deer Hunter.

    3. Fractured Penis is the DX associated with this presentation, SF.

      More on pathology and TX here.

    4. Best junk story ever:

      Back in the ’70s there was this rep for Nissan trampolines. The guy was phenomenal, bouncing higher than anyone while doing amazing tricks. He did this in a business suit and holding a brief case.

      Long story short, one day while doing his shtick, he missed the bed of the trampoline and ended up straddling a spring. As his weight bore down on the spring, it opened up. And then it clamped onto one of his balls. Because there’s no way a couple of people can pull a trampoline spring open (they are very tight) they had to remove the spring and the take the poor fucker to the hospital to have it removed.

      True story.

  10. I need a measure of junk confinement and control

    My theory is that such preferences naturally lead brief-wearers to authoritarian tendencies. This is why briefs are the underwear of choice for statists and Peace Prize winners (and also explains why Gandhi never won).

    1. Self-ownership means I get to swaddle my junk however I like.

  11. Junk bonds?

  12. I’m pleased to see that the guy appeared pro se. IOW, he did not find a lawyer willing to take this case.

    As I said to Melvin Belli the other day you can put it in the hands of your attorney but it will never stand up in court.

    Happy 40th to Monty Python.

  13. He testified he is a “belly-man” and his “weight” prevents him from looking down and seeing his penis.


    Why is “weight” in quotes?

    1. It’s worded like that in the link.

    2. I know! I know!

      It’s because he meant girth but, out of force of metonymic habit, because he’s used to speaking of losing and gaining weight rather than girth, said weight instead of girth, and all the lawyers had to use his words when citing his complaint, especially if they wanted to show his imprecision suggesting ignorance suggesting the invalidity of his case.

      And IANevenAL!

      1. Well I can certainly see why one might be reluctant to use the word “girth” in this situation.

        1. You’re all assuming that a guy who’s too dim to notice that his underwear isn’t on correctly is bright enough to know the word “girth.”

  14. I know, Sweet’n’Low, and that is what i am curious about.

    Can we all just agree that “belly-man” is a phrase that needs to be used around here a lot more often?

    1. “Belly-man” sounds like a phrase from 1930s blues.

      And seriously, you have to be pretty fat not to be able to see your dick without the aid of a mirror.

  15. * I’m running out of family-friendly euphemisms for “johnson.”

    Now, that’s classic!

  16. If there’s any justice, next he’ll sue Hawaii and his wife. (Not necessarily in that order.)

  17. The judge tried not to laugh,
    while seperating the wheat from the chaff.
    As the plaintiff claimed, his Hanes caused him pain
    and that his new briefs weren’t safe,
    by connecting the meat with the chafe.

    1. Albert Finally Freed.

  18. My favorite part is how he didn’t ask his wife to take a look because “he would never ask her to do such a thing.” Whatever it is fatties do in bed, I’m pretty sure he’s not doing it right.

  19. To be fair, nearly any married man would be reluctant to ask his spouse if his dick had been rubbed raw. That is a guaranteed no-win conversation.

  20. Speaking for those who are extremely well endowed… I can say that penis chafing will not continue unabated for very long.

    1. What does your having big tits have to do with anything, Paul?

    2. penis chafing will not continue unabated un-‘bated for very long.


  21. I wanna meet the lawyer to who took this case… or maybe I don’t.

  22. He claims he can’t see his dick because his belly is so big. It is also possible that his dick is just really short.

  23. Hard cases make bad lore.

  24. Are there no stores in Hawaii where this dude could have bought a new fucking pair of underwear, or would spending ten dollars have ruined his “dream vacation”? Seriously, how fucking stupid do you have to be to actually spend the time and money filing a case like this against a company with megadeep pockets? What a tool.

  25. You don’t even need to buy new undies, you are in freakin Hawaii! Put on the freakin swimsuit like you should have done in the first place! Crap, I do it here in Minnesota, it is called freakin laundry day!

  26. As the saying goes. You can’t do biddness with a soar Peter. Hence the reason you don’t rob Paul.

  27. He should have been part of the Tea Party Movement. The teabaggers would have diagnosed him right quick.

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