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What to Do With Your Embarrassing Confederate Statue

Helpful tips on dealing with racist monuments.

So you've got an old Confederate statue you need to toss out. Don't worry, many cities in America are going through the same spring cleaning you are. The relevant question is: what do you do with a marble effigy of an old bearded racist once you've knocked it off its pedestal?

The main argument against removing these statues hinges on historical preservation, that we shouldn't dynamite historical artifacts whenever the Left gets tetchy. I agree with that in principle: If Michael Moore starts wandering around a Calvin Coolidge statue with a hacksaw, I'll be the first to restrain him.

Most of these statues, however, are not memorials to the dead erected by their mourning relatives. They are tributes erected at the height of the Jim Crow era, basically big bronze and concrete middle fingers racists erected to protest integration. And if there's one thing I really hate, it's passive aggressive statuary.

That's why I've provided these elegant solutions for all of the Confederate detritus you've got lying around. Discuss them with your mayor next time you run into him at a Rotary Club breakfast or key party.

Turn the Statue into Darth Vader

Eastern Europe is littered with statues of dead socialists. Lenin is the lawn gnome of Eastern Europe. Commie strongmen are less in vogue since the Soviet Union petered out, however, leaving people with a glut of memorials to murderous psychopaths who murdered millions of people, or alternately, to disastrous technocrats who murdered millions of people inadvertantly.

Ukranian artist Alexander Milov came up with the brilliant solution for all of the Lenin clutter: turn them into statues of Darth Vader. I've never visited Columbia, South Carolina but I'm fairly confident tourism would spike if only the city retrofitted its surplus of Confederate ephemera into Sith lords.

There could be copyright issues, but that's an easy fix. If Disney protests, simply turn your statue of Stonewall Jackson into a velociraptor riding a Tyrannosaurus-rex. Stonewall Jacksons's horse probably wasn't racist, so there may be no need alter it. But if you're already making one dinosaur, why not splurge and do two? A velociraptor riding a T-Rex makes an awesome cover for your tourism brochure.

Another nifty option is to weld boxy metal parts to your Jefferson Davis statue to make it look like a clunky 1950's robot. Be sure to add a plaque that says, "Erected in Eternal Memory to the Robot Uprising of 2046." Three hundred years from now won't that be a great practical joke. Oh, and did I mention installing lasers in Ol' Jeff's eyes?

Build a Monument Over It

People are preoccupied with the celebration of institutional racism these monuments represent. But has anyone stopped to consider that Confederate statues celebrate losers? We don't celebrate losers in the USA. That sends a bad message to the kids. We look up to winners.

Consider building an eighty-foot statue of Ulysses S. Grant triumphantly stepping on your now-dwarfed Stonewall Jackson statue. Voila, you've now got a Union monument.

Also makes a phenominal roadside attraction.

Donate It to a Third World Country

You know how Third World countries wind up with all the t-shirts from Superbowl teams that lost? Well here's an idea: donate your statue to one of those countries. Do your research beforehand because many of them have their own peculiar reasons for disliking confederates.

Dump it in the Ocean

You might be tempted to round up all of the Confederate statues and put them in one place, say, somewhere like Fallen Monument Park in Moscow. The problem is your park is going to be swarming with bigots and their tiki torches. That's a fire hazard.

Your park should be under water, maybe somewhere in the Florida Keys. That way if the Alt-Right wants to hold a rally, it's going to have to leave the continental United States. Good.

Recycle It

Sorting garbage into organized piles of garbage is all the rage right now. No reason not to do the same thing with large bronze figurines, although it's slightly more labor intensive and not very environmentally friendly. Melt down that unwanted bust of Alexander H. Stephens cluttering up your state capitol and recast him as Edgar Allen Poe. People mistake Poe for an Englishman (probably because he was moody and pale) but he grew up a son of the South in Richmond, Virginia and made his fame in Baltimore where they were tearing down Confederate statues just the other day. Seems like a natural to memorialize.

Why the fixation with authority figures? It's more than a little disturbing that our culture has such a hard-on for generals. I don't mean we shouldn't honor veterans. I mean the ratio of generals and politicians to doctors, writers, chefs, and inventors is wildly disproportionate.

Wouldn't it be nice if, instead, we erected more statues of people like Norman Borlaug? That man arguably saved more lives than anyone in all of history. He died a professor at Texas A&M, so the Lone Star State can claim him, but they'll probably have to go halfsies with his home state of Iowa.

The South has Earl Scruggs, Booker T. Washington, Dolly Parton and many more, not one of them architects of an odious slavery. There's no reason these figures should be overshadowed by misused scrap metal. Someday, God willing, we won't associate the South with the Confederacy or racism. It will rightly celebrate bluegrass, barbecue, jazz, and friendliness.

And, of course, the Robot Uprising of 2046. Never forget.

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  • damikesc||

    While it'd be hella awesome to have numerous Sith lords here --- there aren't as many Confederate statues as some seem to think here.

    The Confederate Relic Room museum is quite interesting, however. And might be more interesting if Robert E. Lee was dressed like Darth Maul.

  • Unlabelable MJGreen||

    THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, HEATON

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    BLOOD WILL BE SPILLED ON THESE COMMENT SECTIONS DUE TO YOUR LOOSE LIPS HEATON

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    HEAAAAAATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Looks like this Heaton...

    [dons sunglasses]

    ...brought the heat on.

  • Maven Houlihan||

    *Looking around for Swiss*

  • Griffin3||

    /squints ferociously

  • GILMORE™||

    Yes, all confederate monuments are racist 'middle fingers'...

    ... and not in any way attempts to remember the hundreds of thousands of people who died on 'the wrong side'. Because they all had a choice, right?

    Trying to virtue-signal while pissing on the dead is a bad look.

  • Stormy Dragon||

  • GILMORE™||

    You link was a Lost Cause.

  • Chipper Morning, Now #1||

    Is there an issue that you can't blowhard up, Gilmore? Look at when these statues were put up. Gaaawd.

  • GILMORE™||

    oh look, the person who calls people Nazis without any evidence. I'm sure you have valuable insights to offer that are barely smarter than Tony.

  • Tony||

    I don't think even you believe that ad-hoc bullshit excuse.

    Until a single one of the pro-statue people goes to another park and bitches about the removal of a statue that has nothing to do with the Confederacy, why should we buy the "it's about history!" or "I just think it's pretty!" arguments?

  • GILMORE™||

    why should we buy the "it's about history!" or "I just think it's pretty!" arguments?

    those aren't the arguments i made

    and what you just said was so stupid and unrelated to my own comment that i'm not sure why you bothered.

    Do you actually have some example of *other* sorts of monuments being decried and torn down in a popular fit of outrage? or is this just some fantasy hypothetical of convenience?

  • Tony||

    No, because other statues are not symbols of white supremacy erected with the explicit purpose of antagonizing black people.

    But if this were about history, there are plenty of statues put up and taken down each year, presumably, and none of these people show up to bitch about that.

    Ergo, they're protesting the removal of symbols of racial antagonism that they would prefer to keep around for that purpose.

  • GILMORE™||

    erected with the explicit purpose of antagonizing black people.

    Which makes your premise and your "ergo = conclusion" the same. aka "question begging".

    You need to go back to fallacy-school and learn how to hide them better.

  • Tony||

    Whenever I use Latin, I'm being facetious. But I'm still right.

  • GILMORE™||

    I'm still right.

    Yes, we know how pigeon chess is played.

    You can go back in the block-hole now. I forgot how tediously stupid you are.

  • Tony||

    So you do claim that the statues are commemorating history and not meant to shit on black people, or what?

  • Headache||

    erected with the explicit purpose of antagonizing black people.

    I'll bet they antagonize white leftist Democrats than black Americans.

    Look mommy! Another statue of a Democrat.

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    I have fought tooth and nail to have that one Lucille Ball statue kept.

  • Dace Highlander||

    You mean like wanting to have Washington and Jefferson statues removed?

  • chemjeff||

    Nobody said ALL the statues were racist middle fingers.

    But, for instance, take a look at the history behind Stone Mountain. It was started by actual Klansmen in the 1920's, at the literal site where the "modern" KKK was founded. You tell me what symbolism I am supposed to take away from the historical significance of this monument.

  • Reality||

    God you're a garbage fucking poster, I see why Ace banned your stupid ass.

  • WakaWaka||

    Chemjeff is right. Most of these statues were put up during the Civil Rights era and they are tinged with racial animus. There are very good arguments for removing most of these statues (although local communities should decide this).

    At the same time it is naive to believe that the people demanding that they be taken down are going to stop with confederate statues as they are already insisting on removing a Teddy Roosevelt statue and renaming Washington Park in Chicago. And no writer at Reason is going to put up a stink when they go after these other statues either. They're lying.

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    I'm probably more offended by a Teddy Roosevelt statue than many of the confederate ones honestly.

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    Also, people are pushing for removal of a Lenin statue in Seattle now as well. Which is interesting.

  • Tony||

    Well that's ironic considering his legacy with respect to public parks.

  • SIV||

    Most of these statues were put up during the Civil Rights era

    Only if you define "the civil rights era" as every minute from Lee's surrender to the Centennial.

    Most were erected sometime around and just after the semi-centennial. When the South had somewhat recovered from total devastation, the numbers still-living veterans were dropping off precipitously and a spirit of reconciliation was in the air

  • WakaWaka||

    True, maybe 'most' was excessive. But, there is no denying that the ones built in the 1950's and 1960's were, in large part, a response to the Civil Rights Era. Even the ones constructed in the 1920's were put up during the height of the KKK

  • SIV||

    That SPLC graph everyone is passing around essentially shows spikes at the semi-centennial and centennial.

    When they were changing the Georgia flag to remove the confederate battle emblem the argument was that it was added in the 50s after Brown decision. Of course the GA General Assembly keeps minutes back then and there were plenty of contemporary news reports and living witnesses around and there was absolutely zero evidence that it was done for any reason other than to honor and celebrate the centennial.

  • Tony||

    And what exactly were they celebrating? Losing?

  • SIV||

    Recovering from invasion, conquest, total destruction and military occupation. It only took 100+ years!

  • Barbara Yarhead||

    Christ was a loser. That never stops people from commemorating him. He destroyed temple property but people seem to look past that.
    Plenty of countries still venerate losers. Something about underdog, good fight, ethnic pride ... yadda yadda yadda.
    You don't really care what other people really think. There is no difference between those people who demand respect for the U.S. flag and those who see it as a symbol of racial imperialist aggression.
    Both parties are right but only a true American is tolerant enough to see both sides at the same time.

    Han shot first and the North should have seceded first.

  • GILMORE™||

    You tell me what symbolism I am supposed to take away from the historical significance of this monument.

    I'm not sure why you think your personal opinion of the 'symbolism' of other-people's monuments matters.

    If people who live in GA decided to remember their role in the Civil War with some shit on the side of a mountain, that's their business. If they decide its gotten gauche, and they want to get rid of it, its their business as well. I'm not sure why the good-graces of some schmuck like you who lives hundreds (or thousands) of miles away is necessary for its continuation.

  • GILMORE™||

    Nobody said ALL the statues were racist middle fingers.
    shikha sood dalmia‏ @shikhadalmia

    The neo-Nazi march in Charlottesville would represent a big step forward if it leads to the falling of confederate monuments everywhere.

    It used to be that people like Chapman and Shikha were merely the retarded-fringe of the magazine's editorial opinion. Now they pretty much hold center-stage.

  • SIV||

    Even I'm a little shocked Reason has sunk this low. I'd say they couldn't sink any lower than making a case for, and cheering on, the desecration of memorials to the dead but just the fact that they're here shows that nothing is off the table.

  • Chipper Morning, Now #1||

    Tear down those chicken statues in SIV's yard! Oh, wait, those are not statues.

  • JFree||

    You tell me what symbolism I am supposed to take away from the historical significance of this monument.

    That vandalism of mountains/trees/livestock is far more enjoyable when it is on a small scale (say cow tipping or notching initials on a tree) than on a large scale (Stone Mountain, Mt Rushmore)

  • some guy||

    I assume many of these statue-grabbers also think the US was on the wrong side of several recent wars (Vietnam, Korea, Iraq). I wonder if they're also calling for removal of all monuments and memorials for people who died in those misadventures...

  • Lester224||

    Contemporaries who embrace these monuments are the victims of their own propaganda or "Gone with the Wind". They really are monuments to slavery.

    http://theweek.com/articles/71.....-civil-war

  • DarrenM||

    I see no reason to believe this journalist knows any more about the history than most people. He makes the same ridiculous assertion that it was all about slavery and there were no other issues involved. Not credible.

  • Zeb||

    Some certainly are, though.

    I think it's pretty shitty to start demanding removal of memorials to war dead, though.

  • No Yards Penalty||

    Isn't The Federalist and Fauxbertarians.com enough for you, Gilmore? If you're going to quit this place, quit.

  • BambiB||

    I sort of think of the Lincoln Memorial as a gigantic pile of steaming excrement - a tribute to a fascist dictator who killed 750,000+ to maintain control of people trying to escape his tyranny. It might as well be Stalin.

    Lincoln was demonstrably more evil (by orders of magnitude) than Lee... and yet it's Lee's statues under attack.

  • colorblindkid||

    Joseph Wheeler was a Confederate general. After the war, like many Confederate soldiers, he stayed with the US army and served honorably in several wars on America's behalf. What do we do with his statues and the parks and streets named after him?

    I feel like the people in charge after the actual Civil War were a lot better at nuance and reconciliation than people today.

  • Unlabelable MJGreen||

    Those were not the most honorable wars, either.

  • colorblindkid||

    Well if that's the case then let's tear down every memorial to everybody in any war ever.

  • Tony||

    How about just the losers and the genociders?

  • sarcasmic||

    genociders

    So much for all your commie heroes.

  • GILMORE™||

  • Enjoy Every Sandwich||

    Reading that article, it's interesting that supporters of the Lenin statue echo supporters of Confederate statues in the reasons they give.

  • GILMORE™||

    look, just because he spread an ideology that murdered hundreds of millions of people doesn't make him a bad guy.

  • Tony||

    Do you think you're actually going to bait me into voicing support for a statue of Lenin?

    Why don't I just say "I bet you're all for taking down that Lenin statue, hypocrite!"

    I can't fucking believe I'm having a conversation with you idiots about whether Nazis and the Confederacy were so bad (compared to that demon antifa!).

  • GILMORE™||

    I can't fucking believe I'm having a conversation with you idiots about whether Nazis and the Confederacy were so bad (compared to that demon antifa!).

    You're not. You're spewing nonsensical gibberish unrelated to the comments you reply to. We've mostly gotten used to it.

  • Dariush||

    *Golf clap*

  • Enjoy Every Sandwich||

    In reference to the Civil War, a lot of the "winners" went from there to slaughtering Native Americans. But I suppose they're okay; sprinkles are for winners!

  • Tony||

    You know, mostly I'm annoyed that I'm having to voice any opinion on statues. Before this week my only opinion was that I don't think one would work in my garden.

    I simply try to take the polite route. If activists in support of black equality feel that these statues are psychologically harmful or whatever, take them down, because the only ones defending them are FUCKING NAZIS.

    Otherwise I don't really give all that much of a fuck.

  • Enjoy Every Sandwich||

    I suppose it's nice that you're being honest and admitting that this not about anything but your feelz. I'm not inclined to take your feelz more seriously than anybody else's.

    For myself, I don't much care about the statues. I grew up in the Midwest and never had any strong feelings about the (misnamed) Civil War. When I joined the Navy in 1978 and ended up on bases down South I was startled by the depth of feeling many Southerners had about it.

    I'd rather not have taxes taken out of my salary to support anybody's statues. What people do on their own property is of course none of my business.

  • Tony||

    I don't think this is about anything but feelz on either side. You just said so yourself in fact.

  • Enjoy Every Sandwich||

    That's the way I see it.

    So you striking a position of moral superiority is quite ludicrous.

  • Tony||

    I think you're discounting the importance of feelings. Isn't pretty much all of politics about feelings when you get down to it?

    And yes, I believe that the equality activists hold the morally superior position relative to the Nazis. Not to go out on a limb or anything.

  • Enjoy Every Sandwich||

    I'm not so much discounting the importance of feelings, as pointing out that you can't base a moral position on them.

    You're right that the activists are morally superior to the Nazis; I just don't see how you manage to get there given that you believe that principles are bullshit and that people have no rights, just privileges gifted to them by the government.

    It seems to me that the only complaint you would have with the slavery of the antebellum South is that the slaveholders were private individuals who were profiting from the labor of slaves. If Jeff Davis had declared the slaves to be government property the Confederacy would have been hunky-dory with you. How could it be otherwise, given that you reject the principle of self-ownership?

  • Tony||

    You totally mischaracterize my position. Principles and rights aren't bullshit, they just don't come from a deity (or nature, or the constitution of Man, or whatever). A right is every bit as real as a contract or a report card. It is a mere concept put on a piece of paper, but that doesn't mean it's nothing. People who claim their principles come from God are not to be trusted to have a fruitful argument, because they're "just right" (God said so). You have to do better than that for me, and yes that is a principle I hold.

  • hello.||

    People who claim their principles come from God are not to be trusted to have a fruitful argument, because they're "just right" (God said so).

    And faggots like you who claim their rights come from the barrel of someone else's gun are not to be trusted to have a fruitful argument, because they're "just right" (the mob said so).

  • hello.||

    Before this week my only opinion was that I don't think one would work in my garden.

    That's funny because I've seen you've blow off your faggot pie hole about this issue at least 10 times going back a couple of years.

  • hello.||

    If activists in support of black equality feel that these statues are psychologically harmful

    Activists in support of black equality are not a part of this equation.

  • ||

    Tony, you numbnut it will not stop at statues. You know it, I know it and Heaton knows it. When people are dead set on destroying all things Western and American, it will certainly not stop at statues. Iconoclasm is moronic.

  • some guy||

    So, you'd just rip the Vietnam War Memorial right out of the ground and toss it in the Potomac? Maybe the Korean War Memorial too? And I guess we'd best never even build a memorial for those poor souls who died in W's middle east misadventure.

  • Tony||

    See directly above.

  • Zeb||

    I think there is a pretty clear distinction to be drawn between the memorials to people killed in war and statues honoring "war heroes".

  • Dace Highlander||

    I'm not seeing your distinction. Pretty much all of who is heroes and villains depends on which side of the conflict you were on. I'm pretty sure any one with Cherokee ancestry doesn't view Andrew Jackson as any sort of hero. (re: Trail of Tears) I'm pretty sure anyone from Japan doesn't view Paul Tibbets as a hero. It's all perspective.

    But in this conflict as in all others, victors write the history books.

  • Unlabelable MJGreen||

    Sure.

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    I'm fine with that.

  • BambiB||

    They were smarter. With welfare, Darwinian pressures are reduced. SAT scores have trended monotonically downward since 1972. The species (in America) is devolving. Of course they were better at nuance.

  • Entelechy||

    Who mislabled MJGreen ?

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    ...the brilliant solution for all of the Lenin clutter: turn them into statues of Darth Vader.

    Two hooves on the ground means the rider died in battle, three means the rider was wounded in battle and all four means the rider died off the battlefield altogether. But how many bantha hooves would need to be on the ground for a statue of Vader since he died getting zapped by his immediate supervisor? [SPOILER ALERT]

  • $park¥ leftist poser||

    One. Or five. One of those, I think.

  • GiveMeLibertyOrHandouts||

    Two. But his bantha should be regarded in dishonor.

    His immediate supervisor did not kill him. His no-good brat of a son mostly killed him. He didn't have much left after that fight with that rebel scum. In fact, he was so tired after that fight he became delusional and succumbed to insanity. He couldn't even speak (although later reports say he screamed NOOOOOO) as he committed a treasonous act of atrocity with his final life force.

    Regardless, all of this happened as the Battle of Endor was going on, where the main target was the Death Star, so he did die on the battlefield.

  • jelabarre||

    I think we need a few of James T. Kirk (the original Shatner version, don't bother commemorating that JJ Abrams abomination).

    Or if you have one where the subject is waving, soften up the metal a bit and make it into Spock giving a Vulcan salute.

  • Palin's Buttplug||

    Replace all the statues with these new statues:


    https://goo.gl/Mr77Vm

  • Reality||

    I love that Matt Welch personally called you a liar.

  • Palin's Buttplug||

    You're a lying little cunt.

  • Reality||

    Should be easy to prove, post a link to proof you paid your bet.

  • Reality||

    That's funny, it took less than 5 minutes to call me a liar, but when offered the chance to prove it...silence.

    Pretty much says it all.

  • Chumby||

    He welched on his bet.

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    I wonder if these are made by someone who has ever vocally spoken against body shaming?

  • SIV||

    Most of these statues, however, are not memorials to the dead erected by their mourning relatives.

    Are you ignorant or lying, Heaton?

    The Durham memorial desecrated by communists on Monday was exactly that. Every confederate common soldier-statue in the courthouse square is a memorial to the dead, often paid for and erected by the United Daughters of the Confederacy.

    Here's just North Carolina

  • Tony||

    You mean the white supremacist United Daughters of the Confederacy?

    Should Germany put up statues of Hitler and all the Nazi generals? To commemorate the Nazi dead?

    Most of these statues were put up in commemoration of the cause the south was fighting for. I.e., as a middle finger to black people.

  • sarcasmic||

    Confederate supporters are Nazis!

  • Tony||

    No they're two entirely different genocidal organizations.

  • sarcasmic||

    Slavery is genocide? That's a new one.

  • Tony||

    Well it's fucking close enough, Jesus.

    But actually, genocide is what I see being advocated for on every single right-wing message board I go to that is talking about Charlottesville. As in, let's murder all the black people. This is a sentiment shared openly by more right-wingers than I care to think about. You can go see for yourself, if you're not already among them.

  • Reality||

    "Well it's fucking close enough"

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    HE ACTUALLY THINKS THAT!

    AHHAHAAHHAJAABAHAHAHAHAHAH

  • sarcasmic||

    Well it's fucking close enough, Jesus.

    Um, yeah. Killing an entire race is the same thing as treating them as property. Sure. Property is murder or something? Jesus you're stupid.

    genocide is what I see being advocated for on every single right-wing message board I go to

    Good for you. I don't go to right-wing message boards. Though you probably think this is a right-wing message board.

    if you're not already among them.

    Um, yeah. Because questioning your equating slavery to genocide is the same as wanting to murder all black people. Yeah. Sure. Whatevs, dood.

  • Tony||

    I didn't equate slavery to genocide. I said neo-Confederates, like Nazis, have genocide on their to-do list.

    I do not believe neo-Confederates are interested in restarting the slavery thing.

  • Dace Highlander||

    Well it's fucking close enough

  • ||

    And Tony shows his incredible stupidity again. Believe it or not, slavery is actually an improvement over mass slaughter, both of which we now see as inhumane.

    I honestly never know if you're being a troll or sincere, comments like these leave me gobsmacked.

  • Reality||

    Yes, you must wipe out your property to be successful.

    / makes sense to Tony, who also thinks Daughters of the Confederacy is a white supremacist organization

  • Tony||

    And you're the one who thinks he's making some sort of point by parsing the relative benefits of slavery vs. genocide.

  • Reality||

    NO, I'M THE ONE LAUGHING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT GENOCIDE IS!!

    AHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAH

  • Tony||

    Genocide is what modern neo-confederates advocate. Am I wrong about that?

    Sorry if I offended the memory of mere slavers.

  • Reality||

    HAHAAHAHAHAHA OMG HE'S STILL TRYING TO LOOK LIKE HE'S NOT AN IDIOT!!

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHA

  • sarcasmic||

    Genocide is what modern neo-confederates advocate. Am I wrong about that?

    I don't know any, so I can't say.

    Sorry if I offended the memory of mere slavers.

    The only thing you offend is the intelligence of everyone you talk to.

  • Jack Klompus Magic Ink||

    My god you are a retarded steaming pile of shit.

  • ||

    / makes sense to Tony, who also thinks Daughters of the Confederacy is a white supremacist organization

    I liked the part where he talks down to you about the innermost desires of the right-wing irreproachably zealous white supremacists he hangs out with in 'I have a black friend...' fashion.

    I can't decide if it's more stupid because he thinks he's an expert and he's educating you or because he's openly admitting that he frequently hangs out with people who advocate murdering black folk in unprecedented/impossible numbers.

    I can only assume his black friend is going to break through as a rapper of unparalleled talent any day now... if he doesn't get gunned down by the cops for dealing in order to feed his starving kids and keep them in school.

  • Tony||

    What the fuck are you even talking about?

    I will often go to The Drudge Report--the hub of the Republican internet, by the way, not considered some fringe thing--and click through to the articles Mr. Drudge has curated for his audience. Lately there have been a few about Charlottesville. The comments section are inundated with calls to literally kill all black people.

    So perhaps you can understand why I'm not buying this "both sides are equal" crap coming from the likes of you. I remain puzzled why allies of the right aren't aware of the enormous amount of ugliness, overt racism, and even calls to genocide that exists among your buddies as you spend all your time bitching about college kids being a little annoying on Youtube.

  • Reality||

    AH
    AHAAHAHAHAHAHAH

    HE THINKS THAT HE READS DRUDGE SO HE KNOWS THE SECRET MOTIVATIONS OF ALL REPUBLICANS!!

    HE THINKS THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY ON DRUDGE, ON..THE...INTERNET!! ARE REAL!!!

    AHHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH
    AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAH

    HAHAAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAH

    HOW DO YOU FEED YOURSELF!?!?!?!

    AHABAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHABAHAHAHAHAHAHH

    HE THINKS THEY'RE REAL!!!

    OMGAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHH

  • Tony||

    Let me guess... thousands upon thousands of evil, racist, vile comments every day on every article linked by drudge is actually a leftist conspiracy? Or is it the Russians?

  • Reality||

    AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHHAHAHAJA

    HE 'S DOUBLING DOWN AGAIN!!!!

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH

  • Reality||

    HAHAHAHAJAJAHAHAHAJAJAHAH

    HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT AN INTERNET TROLL IS

    AHAHAHAJAJAHAHHAHAHAHA
    HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

  • Dace Highlander||

    Son of a b!tch! I've been a Libertarian leaning Republican all my life and never read anything from my "hub". Truly, truly amazing. Why don't you go back to Teen Vogue, the "hub" of the SJWs.

  • CatoTheChipper||

    You want proof that the Daughters of the Confederacy is a white supremacist organization? Here's proof from the home page of their website:

    THEREFORE, BE IT KNOWN, that The United Daughters of the Confederacy® does not associate with or include in its official UDC functions and events, any individual, group or organization known as unpatriotic, militant, racist or subversive to the United States of America and its Flag, AND

    BE IT FURTHER KNOWN, that The United Daughters of the Confederacy® will not associate with any individual, group or organization identified as being militant, unpatriotic, racist or subversive to the United States of America and its Flag.

    See: they reject mere racists because they aren't white supremacist enough.

    /Tony

  • Reality||

    "You mean the white supremacist United Daughters of the Confederacy?"

    Ahahahahhhaahahhahaahahhahaahahahahahha

    I LOVE THAT YOU THINK THAT!! KEEP TELLING PEOPLE THAT!

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    HE ACTUALLY THINKS...MAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA

    OH MY GOD HOW FUCKING STUPID CAN YOU BE...

  • Tony||

    We are talking about the group that for its 120 year history has been about romanticizing slavery and otherwise rewriting history to glorify the Confederacy?

  • Reality||

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH

    HE'S DOUBLING DOWN!!!!

    AHHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAAHHA

  • Tony||

    Don't you mean "Fiddle dee-dee, I do declare I do not have a Jewish gene in my body!"

  • Reality||

    OMG HE CAN'T STOP!

    HAAHHAAHAHAHAHHHAAHABAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAUA

  • SIV||

    A group founded by and made up of those "mourning relatives" that Heaton doesn't think had any part in establishing these memorials

  • Tony||

    I'm not the first one to claim the UDC has white supremacist tendencies. In fact their support of these statues is being considered a point against them.

  • Reality||

    HE'S HAPPY TO ADMIT HE JOINED A CHORUS OF IDIOTS!!

    AHAHAHAHAHAJAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

  • Tony||

    Historians and equality activists, actually.

  • Reality||

    AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHHAHAHAAHAH

    HE'S STILL GOING!!

    AHAHAAJAHAHAHAHJA

  • Tony||

    I never stop. Don't wear out your A and H keys.

  • Reality||

    AHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAH

    HE THINKS JOINING A GAGGLE OF IDIOTS MAKES HIM LESS OF AN IDIOT!!AHAHAJAJH

    AHAJAHAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAAJAJJAJAHAHAAH

    LOLOLOLOL LLOLOLOOOLOOLOLO

    THANKS FOR THE CONCERN RRRRRRRREEEEEEETTTAAAAAARRRDDDDDDD!!

    AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAJAJH

  • ||

    The local NPR affiliate ran a story this morning about taking down the Confederate Mound Memorial in Oak Woods Cemetery.

    In case it's not clear, the Confederate Mound would be the mass grave of Confederate POWs that "died" (Cholera and Smallpox) in the Union prison camp, Camp Douglas, Tennessee. The remains were interred at the memorial in the Mid-1860s.

    I don't recall who said "First, they came for the Nazis..." but yeah, hearing people who knew the full history of the monument call for it's destruction because it *might* offend someone felt very holocaust-denial-y.

  • SIV||

    Cosmotarians are certainly progressive...

    OUT: Pot, Ass-sex and Mexicans.

    IN: Cemetery and memorial desecration

  • CatoTheChipper||

    ^THIS

  • BestUsedCarSales||

    Giant statue of Calvin peeing on Stonewall Jackson.

  • Enjoy Every Sandwich||

    Don't forget to pull down that statue in Canton, too.

    All of you, you think there's someone just gonna drop money on you? Money they could use? Well there ain't people like that. There's just people like me.

  • Incomprehensible Bitching||

    Create a new, public funded Museum of the Assholes. Move the statues there, with added descriptions of their atrocities against mankind.

    Then, the museum can host mandatory citizen diversity and inclusion training sessions.

  • What about Sloopy's mom?||

    That's actually what the former Soviet Bloc did...

  • sarcasmic||

    Auction them off to the highest bidder. Uses the proceeds for something useful like shrimp on a treadmill.

  • Unlabelable MJGreen||

    That's a hell of a euphemism.

  • sarcasmic||

    Yep

  • some guy||

    I prefer cowboy poetry, but we'll let the bureaucrats fight over it.

  • ||

    Heaton, you missed out on the most ironically constructive part of the Darth Vader statue; it became a WiFi hotspot.

    With the WiFi put routers in their heads, all the full-throated racism and rampant SJW spew that is the internet can be beamed through these commemorative racists' heads for all eternity and entirely at the whim of regional freeloaders.

    You don't have to actually tear down the statue and kick and punch it futilely in order to signal your anti- (or pro-) secessionist/racist message, you can beam it directly to his head and even compel him to beam it to your friends!

  • Jerryskids||

    Hell, so many of those old Civil War generals looked alike anyway - just change the plaque to say it's a Union general. Or say it's General Robert Plant at the Battle of Evermore. Nobody really gives a shit.

  • Rhywun||

    "HE TOOK THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN"

  • Ken Shultz||

    One of the things that makes Robert E. Lee different in the Confederate pantheon, is that he isn't just known for having led the rebellion. He is also well known and venerated for both bringing an end to the war and for striving to both make Confederates loyal Americans again and make the Union accept former Confederates as loyal Americans.

    Robert E. Lee was presented with the option for turning the Army of Northern Virginia into a guerilla force--something that would have made the early Klan look tame in terms of scale. Lee refused to do that, surrendered his army, and insisted that his men do their best to become loyal Americans again. That's half the reason he's venerated in the South.

    Lee was such the personification of a Southern gentleman that he commanded the respect of veterans and civilians alike. His behavior to end the war and, afterwards, to integrate the South back into the union made it okay for someone in the South to be both a proud Southerner and a patriotic American. From the end of the Civil War through the civil rights era, Lee's example showed Southerners everywhere that capitulation with dignity was possible.

    From the strategic standpoint of trying to get Southerners to accept change with dignity, denigrating Robert E. Lee's memory is profoundly stupid.

  • Tony||

    How many centuries do we have to wait before Southerners start accepting things with dignity?

  • some guy||

    Clearly you don't know any Southerners. Or are you just stereotyping a hundred million people based solely on where they live?

  • Tony||

    Just the neo-confederates and Nazis. I hope I don't hurt their fee-fees too bad.

  • Chip the Chipper||

    Fuck you Tony. You have to be the stupidest fucking person on the planet.

    You just stereotyped southerners, then you say just the neo-confederates.

    What is your stance on California exiting the Union btw? Are they traitors? Should we fucking kill them?

  • Tony||

    For one thing, I am a Southerner. As a Southerner, I say most white Southerners can go fuck themselves. It's not only their own lives they're screwing over with their Jesus and racism and stupidity.

    Why on earth would I want the biggest haul of Democratic electoral votes to exit the union?

  • Chumby||

    I'm guessing that one time at band camp you put your Dukes of Hazzard General Lee matchbox car in your pussy.

  • hello.||

    Just the neo-confederates and Nazis.

    So, 200 people or so then? At 3% of the population, faggots like you are about 500 orders of magnitude more numerous.

  • Born Again Username||

    While no one likes people like him, that's not what an order of magnitude is. ("Order" refers to power; in this case, a power of 10.) You meant "times".

  • Chip the Chipper||

    How many centuries do we have to wait before you get your head out of your ass?

  • Jack Klompus Magic Ink||

    Oh shut the fuck up you fucking retarded twit.

  • Crusty Juggler||

    How about we just take Lee's property and bury our military veterans on his land?

  • Ken Shultz||

    Yeah, his mansion probably gets more visits than Mount Vernon. I'm sure it gets more then Monticello,.

    He's certainly an American icon, and I suppose his mansion becoming the resting placed of our most honored heroes is an excellent metaphor for that kind of . . . syncretism I was talking about.

    The American story from Roanoke to Yorktown is about how we came together as a nation.

    The story from Yorktown to Appomattox is about how we fell apart and how we came back together.

    Lee is the virtual embodiment of the last part of that latter story.

    And either way, it's all about Virginia. If it happened before 1865 and didn't involve Virginia or a Virginian, then it probably wasn't very important.

    I'm just sayin'.

  • Hank Phillips||

    How original!

  • SIV||

    You'd think progs would have at least a little bit o' respect for Lee as he ended his career as a university administrator.

  • Hank Phillips||

    The vandals are tax-and-spend looters attacking dead tariff nullifiers.

  • Unicorn Abattoir||

    And, of course, the Robot Uprising of 2046. Never forget.

    Who will be left to remember?

  • loveconstitution1789||

    "If Michael Moore starts wandering around a Calvin Coolidge statue with a hacksaw, I'll be the first to restrain him."
    Bullcrap! You are clearly okay with removing historic markets. You are too much of a pussy to fight any of these lefty nutjobs.

    Luckily, next will be removal of MLK, JFK, and FDR statues.

  • Tony||

    Because there can be no such thing as right-wing hypocrisy. It's all totally and exclusively about slapping proggies' faces with your cocks. Not that that's not a fine philosophical tradition.

  • Scotticus Finch||

    Haven't been to the site in awhile, decided to pop in and see how things have held up.

    This... This is certainly a blog post. No doubt about it.

    Mmmkay, you guys take care now!

  • Freelancelot||

    Reverend Dr. ML King, a black man, opposed homoerotic marriage. Let's tear down all of his statues, too. Starting yesterday.

  • loveconstitution1789||

    And FDR statues because he put Japanese-Americans in concentration camps.

  • CatoTheChipper||

    And Wilson resegregated the federal bureaucracy and praised Birth of a Nation's favorable portrayal of the Democrat Party's militant wing, aka the KKK.

  • Hank Phillips||

    Those tariff nullifiers sure were awful. Imagine wanting to import stuff, pay a revenue tariff and not support protectionism! "We" shoulda kilt the free trade rabble in 1832 and put up statues of customs collectors instead. Send them back to Switzerland! Let 'em eat corn laws!

  • Chumby||

    Show me on the Robert E Lee statue where Donald Trump touched you.

  • Ned Netterville||

    The reason the Confederate soldiers were able to consistently defeat more-numerous Union forces until the Rebs ran out of ammunition is because Johnny Reb was fighting to save his homeland from the ravages of an invading army whose troops were behaving as invading soldiers always have: plundering, pillaging, raping, robbing, murdering and burning everyone and everything in sight. The Rebs didn't call it the War of Northern Aggression without cause.

  • RenaD||

    I am dumbfounded that the Left justifies the destruction of these statues by claiming that the Confederacy were scumbag TRAITORS! This from people who in the past have done nothing but regularly castigate the Right for their patriotism. Who have no knowledge whatsoever of history (the U.S. was founded by traitors, for crissakes), much less Civil War history. Blind to the fact that the Union was at that point, what, only 80 years old? A tenuous alignment of states, dissent a common discourse, Federalism by no means supported wholeheartedly by the majority of the population—hell even our own founders had had no faith that the Republic would stand.

  • loveconstitution1789||

    They were better shots too. They also shot from behind cover as much as possible.

  • DrT||

    Absolutely brilliant. Bravo.

  • ToCa81||

    Funny stuff Heaton. And of course everybody starts arguing in the comments again. Typical.

  • loveconstitution1789||

    Its the greatest click machine this week!

  • Sanjuro Tsubaki||

    The libertarian moment is over. The culture war is back in full force. Nice work.

  • Tionico||

    Your underlying assumption makes an arse out of you......

    WHO SAYS those "confederate monuments" are racist, evl, bad, "need" tearing down? Not all of them were built and erected for the reasons you state. Some of those, such as the one of Lee that seems to be the "eye of the hurrucane" du jour, memorialise a great man who despised slavery, and freed more slaves than ol 'Honest" Abe Lincoln ever did. Lee fought for his homeland, his state of birth, Virgina, and their soverengnty as a state. Before you go demonising that man, read some of the contemporary works written about General Lee and his life. You will be surprised.

    Robert Dabney, a contemporary of Lee. wrote some about the man. He knew him very well, and reported accurately.

  • cravinbob||

    Does he author really think that at some point everyone else with a half a brain will not realize it is the media that is inciting the current upsurge of racism? Or that slavery equals Civil War is only a belief held by very poorly educated citizens? How is media and education tied together? Both are run and overseen by the Federal Government, who have everything to gain by keeping racism alive.
    It really does not take a lot of REASONing to put it together- just as when people protest police will show up in riot gear with the word "RIOT" on their backs, fronts and shields of armor, then what happens? A riot breaks out.

    Actually I only wanted to say to the author personally; fuck you

    Every time some fringe group wants to protest the media gives them attention, lots of it and that is what these groups want. The FCC backs the media up by giving them licenses to do it. A tiny fraction of a minuscule portion of a large population are somehow important??

  • Locris||

    Interesting.
    Wars, droughts, epidemics, and many a natural disaster.
    But now, HOLY SHIT! A STATUE!
    And this is where it is.
    People so wounded unto the core of their being that riotous violence ensues.
    Cueing up all the "yeah buts".......

  • Butler T. Reynolds||

    These statues should remain, but with a plaque containing a thumbnail portrait of Sherman that reads, "Let this monument serve as a reminder to all: Cross the US Government and your home too will be met with fire and fury like the world has never known."

  • tlapp||

    Leave the statue and install a plaque explaining they fought to defend slavery. Instantly becomes a lesson on the dark part of US history instead of a monument to it.

  • John Thacker||

    While I certainly agree that it's easy to make distinctions between Washington and Jefferson versus Lee, there are, as always, statues and names that fall into more of a gray area. Even the admonition that "it matters what someone was known / commemorated for" doesn't always satisfy me.

    Growing up in North Carolina, Charles Aycock was always referred to and celebrated as the "Education Governor" who spent his term increasing public education at the both the K-12 level and at public universities. His name and statue was found many places in the state (as well as in the US Capitol, now set to be replaced when Billy Graham dies.) That is what he was known for. Even current middle school textbooks mention only this.

    What he should have been known more widely for was his deep role in the Democrats White Supremacy campaign that upended the Populist-Republican Fusionist government, and the suffrage amendment that kept blacks (and indeed many poor whites) from voting, along with repealing home rule for black and mountain Republican counties. He led the oratory of the campaign, and was the governor immediately after Republican Daniel Russell, taking office in 1900.

  • John Thacker||

    As far as white supremacists go, he was regarded as a moderate because he refused to completely cut off funding for black schools, rather insisting that taxes from blacks go to black schools and vice versa. He even made noises about how maybe, in 25 or 50 years, blacks would be educated and responsible enough that things would change, blaming foremost carpetbaggers and scalawags and so forth.

    He was remembered only for the progressive things (less so a bit now), but he was so wrapped up in a pivotal campaign of disenfranchisement that I certainly view him as worse than an "ordinary" segregationist that didn't make dramatic changes towards inequality but didn't rock the boat. (Our other statue, Zebulon Vance, is a similar case, being the Confederate governor who resisted Jeff Davis's suspension of habeas corpus, imposition of the draft, etc. But still worse than our many Unionists like George W. Kirk.)

  • dickt-c-s||

    Suppose you have the same first & last name of a Confederate officer. Does that make you a living monument to the Confederacy? Should you change it to something more enlightened? Does it matter (in my case, at least) if said officer was a direct ancestor?

    If we are to remove all monuments to slavery and bigotry, why not go after FDR? He had (per Wikipedia) about 10 million slaves (draftees) during WWII. He also had over 100,000 people of Japanese ancestry sent to concentration camps. And he stuck us with the pyramid scheme falsely named "Social Security". Maybe the statues of Confederates were built from the 1920s to 1960s, but the FDR memorial was begun in 1991.

  • Jen G.||

    Isn't the proper libertarian response to all of this to argue that the communities responsible for maintaining the statues are the ones who should decide whether or not to keep them instead of publishing a screed on why they are all bad?

  • ||

    This rally was successful in changing my mind from believing we should leave historical statues up [I never really deeply thought about it] to believing we should remove not only the Confederate ones, but also the ones of our slaveholding Founding Fathers. These were not great men, and I won't be a hypocrite. Essentially Lee and the Founding Fathers did the same thing, the only difference was the latter won their war and allowed slavery to become a black mark of our nation's history. They personally participated and profited from one of the most evil acts in human history, however ambivalent they felt about it, and do not deserve honor as a result.

    The argument always goes to "let's not judge historical people by modern standards." Sorry, plenty of people back in their day knew slavery was evil, opposed it completely and did not participate in the evil. Men of their time like Thomas Paine deserve honor. How hypocritical are men like Jefferson and Franklin, who knew slavery was evil yet refused to give up their slaves because it would economically disadvantage them vs. competitors who wouldn't give up theirs?

    It's not about purging history. It's about setting the historical record straight on who is worthy of honor and who is not. Especially if these memorials become permanent shrines for actual neo-Nazis and other losers whose ideologies should be swept into history's dustbin.

  • ||

    This rally was successful in changing my mind from believing we should leave historical statues up [I never really deeply thought about it] to believing we should remove not only the Confederate ones, but also the ones of our slaveholding Founding Fathers. These were not great men, and I won't be a hypocrite. Essentially Lee and the Founding Fathers did the same thing, the only difference was the latter won their war and allowed slavery to become a black mark of our nation's history. They personally participated and profited from one of the most evil acts in human history, however ambivalent they felt about it, and do not deserve honor as a result.

    The argument always goes to "let's not judge historical people by modern standards." Sorry, plenty of people back in their day knew slavery was evil, opposed it completely and did not participate in the evil. Men of their time like Thomas Paine deserve honor. How hypocritical are men like Jefferson and Franklin, who knew slavery was evil yet refused to give up their slaves because it would economically disadvantage them vs. competitors who wouldn't give up theirs?

    It's not about purging history. It's about setting the historical record straight on who is worthy of honor and who is not. Especially if these memorials become permanent shrines for actual neo-Nazis and other losers whose ideologies should be swept into history's dustbin.

  • ||

    I'm sorry but that's just retarded.

  • Mark22||

    I like this idea of knocking statues of racists off their pedestal. We should start with almost all Democrats prior to the 1960's (and many of them afterwards). Oliver Wendell Holmes and Woodrow Wilson clearly need to go. Probably John Maynard Keynes and Margaret Sanger as well. Abraham Lincoln was clearly a racist, even if he ended slavery as a byproduct of his political ambitions. There have been many prominent black racists, and some prominent black slave owners as well.

    So, this principle has legs! Let's go with it! I think if we do it consistently, most statues in America will end up being of dead white Republicans. I like it!

  • ||

    Wouldn't it be nice if the Republican and Democratic parties were heaping piles of rubble?

  • gphx||

    Oh the irony of people putting a rope around the neck of a statue and lynching it simply because it's white.

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