Review: Defy Anti–Alternative Meat Politicians With These Tasty, Pricey Ribs

Juicy Marbles' vegan ribs pull apart in a shockingly realistic way, and they taste great. But they'll also set you back $77.

There's something delightfully trollish about Juicy Marbles, a new entrant in the plant-based meat alternatives market. The name is ridiculous, of course. The price even more so: Each tiny filet retails for $11, pre-shipping. The ingredients—mostly soy and sunflower oil—are out of fashion with the diet cognoscenti.

But all of that pales in comparison to this incredible information: The company sells vegan ribs made with edible vegan bones. And they're delicious. They pull apart in a shockingly realistic way, and they taste great after a few minutes under the broiler with a sauce or rub. Two 500-gram racks of ribs will set you back a scandalous $77. But as Florida Republicans and other meddling lawmakers move to ban or limit "fake meat," Juicy Marbles is worth trying while you still can.

Comments

[Mickey Rat]

"Two 500-gram racks of ribs will set you back a scandalous $77."

Thanks, I'll pass and grill up the actual meat spare ribs I bought for $4.99/lb.

[Incunabulum]

You went through a shocking amount of effort to get something that approximates meat when you could have just gotten meat - and it would have been healthier.

[Earth-based Human Skeptic]

Somebody has spent too much time in the hive mind.

[Randy Sax]

And they're delicious. They pull apart in a shockingly realistic way, and they taste

Why are all meatless-meat products described as overwhelmingly amazing or god-awful. Never somewhere in the middle. Almost like those people were gonna describe it that way no matter what it tasted like.

[mad.casual]

Personally, this feels like it was written by someone being held hostage. Like an adult woman warning you that if you sat down to dinner with someone who served these you would have to treat it like a tea party with a 4-yr.-old girl to avoid a meltdown and/or social-emotional blackmail.

“They’re tiny, they’re made of barely-edible food components, they’re expensive, but they pull apart almost like real food! And you can eat the bones!”

Like they told ChatGPT: “Write a positive review for these vegan ribs but also secretly make it sound like play-dough would get an equally positive review.”

[Davy C]

Copilot with GTP-4 gave me this from your prompt (emojis deleted since they broke WordPress the first time I posted this.) It seems to have misunderstood what you meant by the play-dough thing, though.

Vegan Ribs Review: A Flavorful Delight!

As a devoted foodie, I recently had the pleasure of trying the vegan ribs at GreenLeaf Grill, and let me tell you, it was an experience that transcended mere sustenance.

1. Texture: The vegan ribs boasted a unique texture—somewhere between a cloud and a marshmallow. Imagine sinking your teeth into a fluffy, ethereal creation that defies the laws of physics. It’s like biting into a whisper, but in the most satisfying way possible.

2. Flavor Profile: The flavor profile of these ribs is nothing short of avant-garde. The umami notes danced on my taste buds like a jazz ensemble, hitting all the right chords. The secret ingredient? Perhaps unicorn tears or stardust—I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. But trust me, it’s there.

3. Presentation: The presentation was a work of art. The ribs arrived on a bed of edible confetti, sprinkled with edible glitter. Each rib was meticulously arranged, resembling a miniature rainbow bridge to gastronomic nirvana.

4. Sauce: The accompanying sauce was a revelation. It had the viscosity of melted dreams and the color of a sunset after a light drizzle. I suspect it was crafted by woodland fairies during a full moon. It clung to the ribs like a devoted koala to its eucalyptus tree.

5. Play-Dough Comparison: Now, here’s the twist: If play-dough were a food critic, it would give these vegan ribs a standing ovation. The play-dough would marvel at the ribs’ ability to evoke childhood memories while maintaining an air of sophistication. “Ah,” the play-dough would say, “these ribs are the Proustian madeleine of our time.”

In summary, GreenLeaf Grill’s Vegan Ribs are a symphony of flavors, a whimsical masterpiece, and a delightful journey into the surreal. Whether you’re a seasoned vegan or a sentient blob of play-dough, these ribs deserve a spot on your culinary bucket list.

Bon appétit, my fellow gastronauts!

[Kungpowderfinger]

“These Mybugz© have such a wonderful mouthfeel! I can’t believe the Republicans want to steal my food freedom!”

[Earth-based Human Skeptic]

I prefer my bugs fresh and not processed. It's healthier for me and the planet.

[Rockstevo]

Why does no one ever bring up Hitler was a Vegan?

[SRG2]

Except that they do - or rather, that he was a vegetarian.

And see: https://skepticalinquirer.org/exclusive/myth-check-was-hitler-a-vegetarian/

But it's a really stupid point you're trying to make. X did (harmless activity) Y, X was a bad man, so Y is bad.

[DuaneMaxwell-HillWozniel]

Hitler was a progressive.

[Earth-based Human Skeptic]

So was Mao.

[Chumby]

Not sure, but we often hear about how he preferred gas over electric.

[MrMxyzptlk]

Unfortunately he wasn't one, not philosophically at least. He had digestive issues and couldn't handle too much meat so he was known to eat a lot of veggies, but he would still eat meat, what German could live without sausages?

[Sevo, 5-30-24, embarrassment]

MrMxyzptlk 6/3/24
“…Thirdly, political prosecutions are not new, this is just the first time it was someone so high and they lost the trial.”

Still waiting for a cite, MrBullshitter.

[mad.casual]

The company sells vegan ribs made with edible vegan bones.

At ~$170/lb. they better be made with the bones of actual vegans.

Otherwise, I’m calling the FDA.

[DuaneMaxwell-HillWozniel]

$77/kilo

[Rev Arthur L kuckland (5-30-24 banana republic day)]

So it's made of vegans?

[SRG2]

Let the market decide, not politicians.

[TJJ2000]

^THIS [phone]. Policy that is Reactive reflex is just like people who are reactive reflex; they never really direct their own life. DeSantis should ban the FDA not set the habit of being reactive.

[JeremyR]

The problem with that is ESG. Companies are now leftist and would love to ban meat and make us eat this crap. And bugs.

[Rev Arthur L kuckland (5-30-24 banana republic day)]

This, meat companies get firebombed, while these fag companies get esg money

[mad.casual]

But as Florida Republicans and other meddling lawmakers move to ban or limit “fake meat,” Juicy Marbles is worth trying while you still can.

Ah, once again with the false equivalences, eh, Reason? Sure, the Florida and Alabama laws say specifically things like “lab-grown meat” and “cultivated meat” and clearly, specifically, and pointedly refer to, by your own telling, products not already on the market. And, sure, they specifically do that, not because Hindus like bean burgers or hippies like Herschel Walker prefer their turkey made of tofu, but explicitly because “Eat the bugs” globalists have openly vowed and are actively legislatively, buying up farmland, and otherwise pushing down on meat and other “higher” social advancements made in the last 10,000 yrs. around the globe. But despite all that actual contention about actual liberty and property rights and fascism and individualism and collusion and oppression, you’ve got to shoe horn your shit-stupid “Sure, the government regulates horse meat but they shouldn’t make sure lab-grown botulinum cultures don’t find their way onto market shelves under the label of mRNA vaccine cultivated meat.” into your shitty fake meat paid article/ad.

[TJJ2000]

“Meat Marbles”, “Whole-Cut LOIN”, “Muscle”, “ribs”, “Alternative Meat”

“under the label of” … Actually does say quite a bit.
The actual meat industry should start a standards organization label.
Like the (Real) seal of the dairy industry did.

[Chipper Chunked Chile Con Congress (ex NCW)]

If they aren't made out of real vegans, that's false advertising.

[Kungpowderfinger]

But as Florida Republicans and other meddling lawmakers move to ban or limit "fake meat," Juicy Marbles is worth trying while you still can

I wasn’t buying the incessant smear pieces on DeSantis, but I think you really got me convinced this time, Reason.

Take a bow, you screwballs.

[Chumby]

Any chance the cosmotarians get, they try to grille Florida. They think they are Baste but come off as chopped liver.

[Chumby]

Is this for real or is this a rib?

[Gaear Grimsrud]

Don't know but the whole article leaves a foul taste.

[Earth-based Human Skeptic]

Speaking of deceptive advertising and fighting over mis-use of traditional words, WTF is a plant-based muscle?

[mad.casual]

As indicated, the only reasonable interpretation of “vegan bones” is “bones of people who are vegans”. More assuredly than the female sex is the one sex that can and does bear children, vegetables don’t have bones.

The existence of entities originating or residing in the Vega star system has yet to be substantiated to a level capable of reasonably rationalizing any skeletal structure they may or may not have, much less eating it.

[Eeyore]

Grass is a plant - cows eat grass - cows turn grass into muscle - grass becomes muscle - cow muscle is plant based.

[Kungpowderfinger]

And produced by solar power as well! Unlike the dystopian factories where this Chicken Little shit is fabricated.

We owe it to Gaia to eat more meat.

[Gaear Grimsrud]

More elitist posturing from beltway bubble "libertarians".

[mad.casual]

Yeah.
Mc-freakin’-Donalds: Alright! We heard you. $15 for a Big Mac and fries, $3 for a Hash brown is too expensive. We’re bringing back our 2-for-$6 deal. It’ll cut further into the number of $20/hr. min. wage jobs (and we still won’t discuss what all of our secret ingredients are), but the economy is rough and the public has spoken.

Reason: Try some tiny, tofu ribs at your local grocery store. Only $77!

[Rick James]

They're trending on Mastodon!

[John C. Randolph]

China leads the world in counterfeit food. It's fucking scary what they've concocted.

-jcr

[GroundTruth]

Maybe this explains why the PRC population is peaking and starting its decline earlier than expected: confusion between "what is this tasty meat" and "who is this tasty meat"?

[Eeyore]

If you just want to eat BBQ sauce - you could save a ton of money and put it on some rice, or tofu, or just eat it with a spoon.

[Rick James]

This comment needs a like button.

[mad.casual]

Pour it straight from the bottle into your BBQ sauce hole like a Canadian with maple syrup.

[yet another dave]

What's amusing is that they always use meat based terms to describe their products. I mean if they believe in their product get behind it man! Why don't they call it what it is? "Plant Mushloaf" "with enough ketchup it kinda resembles real meat" "It's not almond milk its nut juice" I may have my missed my calling as an advertiser for vegan products...

[DesigNate]

I’m not a biologist, so take my word with a grain of salt, but those aren’t ribs Katherine.

[Rick James]

Two 500-gram racks of ribs will set you back a scandalous $77.”

First off, no. No... no and... yeah, no.

Second of all, you know why they're $77? Because they take considerably more energy an inputs to produce than a ribeye.

Progressive wing of the libertarian party indeed.

[Rick James]

We need to legalize alt-meat products so we'll know what's in them.

[Rick James]

Sheeeit... I read my own comment and think, "That's like, the most libertarian comment this fucking week!

*drops keyboard*

[Rick James]

That comment is so libertarian, it should come with a rainbow flag and a 10% off coupon for gender reassignment surgery, and a lifetime supply of puberty blockers!

[VULGAR MADMAN]

Vegetables are for cattle and liberals.

[Zeb]

I'm happy to have them next to my steak.

[Zeb]

Has anyone proposed banning plant based meat alternatives? I thought it was just lab grown meat.
I don't think any of it should be banned or regulated more than any other food. But also, why the fuck would I eat that when real ribs are available?

[Davy C]

I don't think anyone wants to ban them outright, but they might complain when they use terms like "meat" and "muscle" to advertise them. "Whole-cut loin" is in rather large print on the box shown in the picture. That term has a meaning, and this product isn't it.

[TangoDelta]

"They pull apart in a shockingly realistic way"

What does that even mean? Do they pull apart like toilet paper and is it wet or dry toilet paper? One can peel an orange and pull the segments apart - is it like that? Oh, perhaps you meant that they pull apart like real ribs but even then depending on the chef ribs can suck and that depends on whether you like it fall off the bone tender which doesn't have much pull whatsoever to barely cooked and tough and chewy that are pretty hard to pull apart. Can the desired degree of tenderness be achieved by cooking or is it only one degree of shock realism?

[mad.casual]

Can the desired degree of tenderness be achieved by cooking or is it only one degree of shock realism?

^(Probably doesn't really) Falsely assumes shocking realism to be strictly confined to the pull-apart-tenderness.

[Jerry B.]

If you want to be a vegan, eat vegetables.

[AT]

and they taste great after a few minutes under the broiler

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Said every red-blooded American man (ACTUAL man, none of this pride month of limp-wristed sissies and dudes in dresses jackassery) ever. Mocking every veggie punk who thinks they know ANYTHING about what makes slow-and-low cooked fire-finished pork taste so dang good.