Surveillance

Meet Statie the Police Elf

Merry Christmas from the surveillance state!

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Twitter/Dustin G. Fitch

There's a newish fake tradition that the parents these days are into: Elf on the Shelf. Based on a 2004 book, many kids now believe that Santa sends "scout elves" to monitor naughty and nice behavior in the days leading up to Christmas. This belief is reinforced by parents moving a stuffed elf toy around the house at night to give the impression that the shelf narc is eyes-on at all times.

In case you were wondering whether this fairy tale is preparing the next generation for life in a surveillance state, we have our answer: Meet Statie the Elf. He's a cherub-faced doll dressed up in a Massachusetts State Police uniform, the brainchild of Massachusetts State Trooper Dustin Fitch. He goes on adventures around the city, as chronicled on Facebook and Twitter.

And his name is Statie. Statie!

"I just wanted to add a little holiday humor," Fitch told the Boston Globe. "I wanted to use an elf to humanize us….It shows how we are all just people, too, looking to enjoy the holidays with family and friends, like everyone else."

Because nothing is more humanizing than the notion of a stranger in a weird outfit who monitors your behavior from afar. I am not able to determine whether Statie is armed, but I personally would be terrified if this little dude stormed into my place during a no-knock raid, smiling like a mythological maniac. While I don't think he'd pose much of a threat to the family dog, kids with pet mice should certainly be concerned.

Apparently staties is an affectionate (?) term used by the locals for state police officers, but that doesn't make the elf's moniker any less horrifyingly on-the-nose.

This also raises a few vital, perhaps even more terrifying questions:

Via former Reasoner Lucy Steigerwald

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  1. To be fair, the Massachusetts State Police are commonly referred to as “Staties”. Doesn’t make it any less creepy. Just saying.

    1. Apparently staties is an affectionate (?) term used by the locals for state police officers, but that doesn’t make the elf’s moniker any less horrifyingly on-the-nose.

    2. Apparently KMW never watched The Departed

      1. “Oh, yuh. The guy Statie shot is wicked depahted.”

        1. Citizens, take a break from busting the Bugs:

          Starship State Troopers III,

          Coming soon to a recruiting theater near you!

    3. Doesn’t this invalidate the ridiculously overblown reaction?

  2. Can you spot the age where Obama’s soul leaves his body?

    http://i.imgur.com/7edZAJK.mp4

  3. Don’t talk about L…

  4. This is a good example as to why we can never reach “peak derp,” or “peak ‘tard,” or “peak authoritarian asshole,” and so on.

  5. ‘Colonel’ is a rank in the MSP? And they ape the silver eagle insignia? Jesus, is there a Brigadier General of the Mass State Police?

    1. But how dare you say police are militarized.

    2. There’s only one Colonel in the MSP – they are the Superintendent or head of the force. But yes they have an abbreviated military structure. NH, where I live, uses a similar structure where the head of the state police is a Colonel.

  6. One of those tweets reminds me of a story you may enjoy from the Saturday before last…

    My wife and I were helping organize the Krampus Walk through Dallas. We were bringing up the tail end of the “parade”. As we passed a 7-11, a dude burst out through the door running, banged into me, then, off balance, caromed into several other Krampuses and walkers. He had a bottle of wine in his hand. My wife and I both shouted, “Thief!” and pointed. He spun around, and started getting into it, cursing and shouting at another one of our organizers. Some of us kept herding the last of the group on past, while the rest cordoned off this guy. He seemed really strung out, and kept threatening to fight us. But he looked like a buck-fifty soaking wet, and there were like 6 or 7 of us surrounding him by this point.

    The clerk from the 7-11 came out during this phase and, sneaking up behind the guy, actually snatched the ill-gotten bottle of wine back and scuttled back into his store. I suppose he called the cops because within 30 seconds, we heard sirens (this is in Deep Ellum, so there’s always cops out everywhere in this part of town on the weekends).

    I have no idea what happened to the guy, because he stopped believing he could fight all of us and took off running, but after that I dubbed us the Krampus Krime Stoppers.

    The end.

    1. My wife and I were helping organize the Krampus Walk through Dallas. We were bringing up the tail end of the “parade”

      You call yourself a libertarian and you got “involved”?

      *mind blown*

    2. WHERE’S THE PLOT?!

      1. It’s hiding out with the beef.

    3. Well, at least you didn’t go with Krampus Kriminal Katchers.

  7. Because nothing is more humanizing than the notion of a stranger in a weird outfit who monitors your behavior from afar.

    It’s hard to be outraged about this, especially considering it lets the other real Statie’s know they’re being watched by #ElfLivesMatter

  8. Somehow I’m not outraged by this. That’s not to say I wouldn’t shoot that fucking elf if I saw it.

  9. Well I guess if you are an Orc, an elf is closer to a human.
    “I wanted to use an elf to humanize us”

  10. I associate Elf on the Shelf with the Steelers drafting undersized, and completely unprepared RB’s cut within 2 seasons on a semi-annual basis. That’s my take away here.

    STEELERS FOOTBALL

    1. Why would you say that in a season when they have a back who is breaking their franchise record for yards?

      1. You must not be a Steelers fan. Our third string RB should be a starter on any other team.

  11. Statie meet Fuckie. Fuckie meet Statie.

  12. Related: Suffolk Santa Claus cop make traffic stops

    Police lights flashing in your rearview mirror is rarely, if ever, a good sign, right?

    Unless the patrol car pulling you over happens to be carrying Santa Claus, aka Suffolk County Police Officer Alberto Acevedo.

    With fellow officer Brianne Yarborough operating their sleigh, er, patrol car, Acevedo passed out Target gift cards and candy to unsuspecting motorists

  13. Trump will soon be in the Whitehouse. Statie the elf. Paul Krugman is suddenly against stimulus spending. The Left is cowering in fear from Russia.

    My sarcasm and irony meters have been smashed beyond repair this year.

  14. Because that elf wasn’t creepy enough already.

  15. I’m less outraged by Statie than I am that parents are deriving their Christmas traditions from some marketing campaign that doesn’t feature a red-nosed reindeer.

  16. Just imagine the Republican tears you could harvest if you posed that little fucker on its knees with a gun to its head.

  17. This is self deprecating humor. They’re poking fun at themselves and perception. It would be no different than Reason putting up “No regulation and no taxes” gnome.

    Don’t be like the left, their lack of humor isn’t worth emulating.

    1. If Reason made a Transgender Bathroom Police Elf, I’d probably buy one and keep it on the shelf in my bathroom… and teach my kids to fear it.

  18. This from the linked article

    Of course, like other whimsical creatures from fairy tales, “Statie” isn’t real. But in keeping with the holiday fun, the Globe interviewed the tiny elf about his new job as if he were:

    Do you ever get picked on by other officers because of your size?

    Back when I was at the North Pole, before I was picked as one of Santa’s “Elfs on a Shelf,” which is an elite group that keeps an eye on children through the Christmas season, I would play the reindeer games and occasionally get into snowball fights with the other elves.

    But now that I’m a trooper, I haven’t been in any snowball fights with anyone. We only throw snowballs now to have fun. We have a bond like no other.

    Any thoughts?

    1. Hmmm, so he got into snowball fights on the north pole. Might have not liked the loosing outcome, and then decided he was going to work for the state, hide behind qualified imunity, and shoot those baddies outside his circle that throw snowballs. All while claiming he feared for his life to justify it.

      When he gets his desk job, he will head the campaign to ban assault snowballs, claiming only staties know how to properly handle them……

  19. evidently the new editor in chief doesn’t know the rule…

    we all know the rule…

    DON’T TALK ABOUT LUCY!!!!!!

    1. Sweet Lucy was a dancer
      But none of us would chance her
      Because she was a Samurai
      She made electric shadows
      Beyond our fingertips
      And none of us could reach that high

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  21. I don’t see the problem, here. Can we replace all the cops with statie dolls?

    1. Considering all you have to do is touch the elf to cause him to lose his powers… yeah.

  22. The greatest part of being old is I got to spend my youth relatively free.

    1. Yes, I remember freedom. My mom could leave me in the car while she shopped without some cop bashing in the window to “save” me. I could stay home alone, all by myself when I was a kid. I could answer the (rotary dial) phone while they were gone and take a message. I walked several miles to school and played hooky in the woods — oh boy(!) I caught hell for that one (even back in the 1950s) because the schools were getting paid per kid per day. We had not yet gone through the “eggs are bad for you” cycle yet. Little, and I do mean little, kids could go swimming in a creek and ride a bicycle all over town without supervision.

      Ah ?. paradise lost.

      1. Me too- was born in the early 70s. Can’t say when the loss of freedom for kids occurred, but I think it started slowly beginning sometime in the late 80s/early 90s and has really accelerated the past 10-15 years.

        1. The town I grew up in went through the change in the early 90’s. It turns out that if all the stores kids like, such as toy stores, on Main st go out of business during a recession they will end up getting hit by cars on the way to the mall. It didn’t help that a farm behind the mall was replaced by strip malls to replace the lost stores. Six deaths in two years brought out the think of the children crowd(Where were they when the pedestrian friendly options were disappearing?) and a way of life was lost.

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  24. Born and raised in Mass. and yes, “statie” refers to state troopers. I can’t read too much into this story except that this trooper guy thinks he is being cute with his little elf. I haven’t had to deal with police often, but staties are some of the biggest assholes I have ever met.

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