Comedy

Friday A/V Club: Trey Parker's History of the United States

A cartoon for Independence Day

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Celebrate the Fourth of July with American History, a student film that Trey Parker (later of South Park fame) co-directed at the University of Colorado in 1992. Parker asked a Japanese friend, future South Park animator Junichi Nishimura, to tell him what he knew about American history, and then Parker and Chris Graves built a cartoon around it:

(For past editions of the Friday A/V Club, go here.)

NEXT: Kurt Loder Reviews Magic Mike XXL

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  1. OT: There is a woodchipper running in my driveway.

    1. WELL CATCH IT!

      1. One day, walking on the beach, I saw an old tobacco can.

        I took off the cover, and black smoke billowed out. Out of the smoke emerged an impeccably-dressed man dressed in the style of the early 20th century.

        “Finally,” said the man, “you have released me from my century-long imprisonment. You have no idea how often my supporters have tried to liberate me, only to have their cruel captors contemptuously hang up the phone.”

        “Wow,” I said, “It’s Prince Albert, Queen Victoria’s husband!”

        “A common misconception,” said the man. In fact, I’m their son, also known as Edward VII, but before I was king I was named Prince Albert like my father.

        “Now, since you have released me from this can, I shall reward you with three wishes.”

        “OK,” I said, “how about world peace, freedom for humanity, and a bag of gold for me?”

        “All right,” he said, “I’ll what I *can* do, get it?”

        1. “I’ll see what I *can* do”

        2. Prince Albert vanished in a puff of smoke, only to return an hour later, shaking his head.

          “I’m afraid that granting these wishes is above my pay grade,” he sorrowfully explained. “In life, I couldn’t even halt Europe’s rush toward the First World War, and I didn’t even extend freedom to the subjects of my Empire. So those wishes are out of the question.”

          “What about the gold?” I asked eagerly.

          “After all the money I lost at gambling, I have no gold to give,” he explained.

          “But I’ll tell you what I can do ? I can lend you the services of some of my former mistresses.”

          And another cloud of smoke billowed out, from which emerged a gang of actresses and other women of easy virtue. Unfortunately, their erotic appeal was somewhat dampened by their rotting skin and sepulchural smell.

          “I see that they haven’t been keeping themselves presentable to the same extent I have,” Prince Albert noted regretfully, “but anyway they’re all yours.” And he vanished.

          “The tobacconists were right,” I muttered to myself, “they should have left him in his can.”

          THE END

          1. A reason vignette that doesn’t involve Hillary Clinton in some state of undress. Heartily approve.

  2. Drink!
    Professor: Reason Itself Is A White Male Construct
    A philosophy and religion professor at Syracuse University gave an interview to The New York Times Thursday in which he critiqued the notion of pure reason as simply being a “white male Euro-Christian construction.”…

    1. I haven’t read the article yet, but I will say that I’ve heard feminists call logic “White male patriarchy” without a hint of sarcasm. One of those feminists was studying to be an immigration lawyer at the time she said it.

      1. Logic is phallocentric. I “learned” that back in a 1980s college humanities class.

      2. If it disagrees with you, ad hominem it to death.

    2. I read the article. Prof. Caputo is a special type of crazy.

    3. ” “I was once criticized for using the expression ‘true north.’It reflected my Nordo-centrism, my critic said, and my insensitivity to people who live in the Southern Hemisphere.”

      Wait, the Canadian national anthem contains the phrase “true north.”

      The entire country of Canada is racist!

    4. I’m waiting for the first reason-free engineering company. They could make products based on guilt-free feelz.

      1. Those companies already exist. The build light rail and ‘renewable’ energy facilites.

    5. He says the Cartesian and Kantian versions of “pure reason” are a tool of the Honky Oppressor, but behind all the fashionable babbling I can’t tell if he’s criticizng all reason or just these philosophers’ version of it.

    6. “White is not ‘neutral.’ ‘Pure’ reason is lily white, as if white is not a color or is closest to the purity of the sun, and everything else is ‘colored.’ Purification is a name for terror and deportation, and ‘white’ is a thick, dense, potent cultural signifier that is closely linked to rationalism and colonialism. What is not white is not rational. So white is philosophically relevant and needs to be philosophically critiqued ? it affects what we mean by ‘reason’ ? and ‘we’ white philosophers cannot ignore it.”

      Oh, I see your problem. You’re confusing the optical state of “whiteness” with the innacurate but linguistically useful cultural designator “white” which is not, in fact, actual whiteness. In any event it’s inapplicable to the use of “white” in philosophy to describe the absence of adulteration, and since we’ve cleared up that spot of confusion I’m sure you can return to discussing “Euro-Christian” philosophers as if you aren’t, in fact, a total bigot looking for a reason to rationalize your hatred.

      1. Sounds like OWS horseshit with an extra layer of crazy.

        1. “Look, they’re not all first-round picks.” –Syracuse University, probably

    7. Didn’t I read this in a Rand novel?

    8. “Reason is not automatic. Those who deny it cannot be conquered by it. Do not count on them. Leave them alone.” Ayn Rand

    9. What I find interesting is the good professor and people like him argue that a white male born into poverty in the deepest hollow of Kentucky has a better chance in life than the African-American daughter of arguably the most powerful man in the world, the president of the United States.

      I just don’t understand their reasoning. I guess I’m not smart enough.

      1. No, it’s because your reasoning is a white make racist patriarchal construct. Their feelz are non-racist and pure as snow something…

      2. Their reasoning is euro-Christian and predominated by old, dead white men, and therefore inferior to the sort of ethnically empowering form of reason they wish had been invented.

        1. The skin color gene dominates everything. It reigns supreme.

      3. “I just don’t understand their reasoning.”

        You aren’t supposed to. They are literally saying that making sense is bad. Remember ‘ol Bezmenov? He said “No matter how much information you give them, they cannot draw a sensible conclusion.”

        Filling people’s heads with shit so that they can only spout gibberish and nonsense is their goal.

    10. Wow, this shit again? I fucking told you guys, it’s the 90s all over again. This shit was a popular trope with the left in the 90s and it looks like it’s coming back full force.

      1. Two things:

        1. This time it looks like “this shit” is going to stick.

        2. Unlike the 90s we will not be getting the Matrix movie at the end of it….we might get a crappy remake of Time Bandits though.

    11. “the notion of pure reason as simply being a “white male Euro-Christian construction.”…

      There’s some validity to this. I’d say that the idea of reason being to the royal road to Truth is predominant among these white men, and not just Euro-Christians, either. Lots of commenters here would also agree.

      1. A bunch of men talking about how rational they are doesn’t give them a monopoly on reason anymore than a bunch of women talking about how compassionate they are gives them a monopoly on compassion.

        That is the main problem with this bullshit. Even if 100% of men are beacons of reason, while 99.9% of women are emotional ninnies, calling it a “white male construct” suggests a barrier of entry, by virtue of how she was born, on the off chance that one in a thousand women doesn’t want to follow the pack.

        This isn’t hard to understand if you value freedom of thought.

        1. That’s not even touching on the racist aspect of it and complete ignorance of all of the rational non-white men who have existed.

        2. “Even if 100% of men are beacons of reason, while 99.9% of women are emotional ninnies, calling it a “white male construct” suggests a barrier of entry,”

          I’m not making myself clear. I’m not suggesting that only men of Europe are capable of reason and rational thought and the rest of humanity is deficient. I don’t believe that. My point is that European or Western culture is unique in the belief that reason, Aristotelian logic or the scientific method for example, is THE way to arrive at truth. I don’t think you find the same faith in reason in other cultures.

    12. “Reason Itself Is A White Male Construct”

      Is this the new, “she’s just on her period”?

      But seriously, it’s amazing how inadvertently racist and sexist they are.

  3. Alpha Game: They’re not all whores
    …Because Mamurin’s asking price was only the equivalent of $120 (a larger sum in Russia but by no means massive), the scenes raise alarming questions about the extent to which many women will perform certain sexual acts for money. In addition, there has been a subsequent and all-encompassing infantilization of these girls by feminists.

    These compulsive SJWs, unsurprisingly, solely blame the male offering the financial incentive for the perceived degradation and humiliation. The logically pervasive theme of their explanations, though they would deny it, is that large numbers of women cannot control themselves when asked to perform for only a moderate sum of money. So imagine the lack of self-control and self-determination if that figure were $12,000 or $120,000, not $120….

    1. The feminists spent 50 years devaluing sex and making casual sex a form of empowerment. That is all well and good. I am all for casual sex. If you devalue sex and make it just a fun activity and a way of self expression, then you shouldn’t be surprised when women are more willing to do it for money. Someone might want to ask these feminists why they find sex for money so degrading and how exactly they square that view of sex with their view that sex is empowering and something women should do for fun.

    2. Maybe so, but I’m still not clicking on that PUA shite.

      1. but I’m still not clicking on that PUA shite

        That is just because you are too chubby and to click on it.

  4. USA’s Experimental Breeder Reactor-II now permanently entombed

    The EBR-II was a really cool reactor concept and showed how well the Integral Fast Reactor (IFR) concept worked. This is a project that should have been left for the last few years to go to completion, what a waste.

    IFR program goals were demonstrating inherent safety apart from engineered controls, improved management of high-level nuclear wastes by recycling all actinides, so that only fission products remain as high-level waste, and using the full energy potential of uranium rather than only about 1% of it. All these were demonstrated, though the program was aborted in 1994 before the recycle of neptunium and americium was properly evaluated. IFR fuel first used in 1986 reached 19% burnup (compared with 3-4% for conventional reactors), and 22% was targeted.

    In 1994, Congress under the Clinton administration shut EBR-II down, delivering a major setback to FNR fuel cycle developments. In 2001, as part of the Generation IV roadmap, the DOE tasked a 242 person team of scientists from DOE, UC Berkeley, MIT, Stanford, ANL, LLNL, Toshiba, Westinghouse, Duke, EPRI, and other institutions to evaluate 19 of the best reactor designs on 27 different criteria. The IFR ranked first in their study which was released in April 2002.

    1. There’s a venue for posting comments to youtube videos, despite youtube being the very last peat bog from which you would want to dredge the wisdom of subhuman intellects, but I’m denied comments by the sort of person who reads a website for nuclear energy news because they didn’t include the option.

  5. George Takei calls Clarence Thomas a buffoon in blackface, liberals instinctively defend him

    George Takei has come under fire this week for calling Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas a “clown in blackface” over the judge’s stance on marriage equality. However, the “Star Trek” actor insists that his comment was not racially motivated.

    During an interview with Fox 10 Phoenix, Takei, who is gay, discussed the Supreme Court’s recent landmark ruling to legalize same-sex marriage nationwide. Takei said he was “angry” at Thomas, who dissented to the decision, for his position on the issue.

    “He is a clown in blackface sitting on the Supreme Court,” said Takei. “He gets me that angry. He doesn’t belong there.”

    [snip]

    A few fans have written wondering whether I intended to utter a racist remark by referring to Justice Thomas as a “clown in blackface.”

    “Blackface” is a lesser known theatrical term for a white actor who blackens his face to play a black buffoon. In traditional theater lingo, and in my view and intent, that is not racist. It is instead part of a racist history in this country.

    I feel Justice Thomas has abdicated and abandoned his African American heritage by claiming slavery did not strip dignity from human beings.

    Yeah, we all know the “I didn’t mean it as racist” excuse flies when white people use it, right?

    1. I guess we know now why the black women only got to answer the phones on the Enterprise.

      1. The worst thing is that Takei and the left are so utterly and completely wrong about Thomas’ remarks on slavery and internment.

        He wasn’t saying slavery was a dignified existence, only that black people retained their humanity and dignity in spite of being subjected to that horrific institution. He was complimenting his ancestors, not disrespecting them!

        To disagree and say that you can strip a person of their dignity is to claim that you can, in fact, turn a man into something less than a man. I am shocked that anyone can think that and not be horrified.

        But I guess that’s an inevitable result of a philosophy that so highly prizes groupthink and validation from government. Frederick Douglass did not gain his dignity until the white man freed him and he made it up North.

        1. Thomas said that your dignity and self respect comes from within not the government and they went berserk. Most of them are just idiots who are angry they didn’t get what they want. But a few of them I think are smart enough to have a real reason to be offended. And those are the worst ones because they really are sick totalitarians who think that all human worth and dignity comes from the government. That is a lot more terrifying than a bunch of angry children demanding to get a marriage license.

          1. Well, our very own Tony believes that…

    2. The comments are about as stupid as I expected.

      1. Because if Ted Nugent had called Obama a “clown in black face”, none of the people defending Takei would call Nugent a racist.

    3. When I said George Takei should “rove me rong time,” I was simply using traditional lingo to mock his sexual orientation and Asian heritage. No racism or homophibia was intended.

    4. Shatner: “I am positive that…George is not…a racist. Let’s stop the…spin doctoring. [ellipses added]

      Well, Bill, if Takei isn’t a…racist, perhaps he….shouldn’t have made a racist…remark.

    5. So Takei completely misses the point of what Thomas said and angrily replies with something fairly racist. It’s pretty easy here to point out the obvious that if Takei had been on “the other side” he would have been mercilessly pilloried.

    6. Back when I was still on facebook a lot of people I knew shared Takei’s posts. Some of it was just general humour but some of it was the dumbest facebook political memes imaginable. Every time Takei writes about something it’s always about his pure, emotional response to it. I remember reading ‘articles’ where he talks about wanting to pay more taxes, etc. He tried to push to have the Olympics moved back to Vancouver due to Russia’s anti-homosexuality stuff, due the net loss the city got for the previous ones and the fact that it would take years to get ready didn’t matter to him. He actually looked down at people from Vancouver who didn’t want to have to go in the red for another Olympics. He’s utterly self-centred and it doesn’t surprise me that he’d think he could use racist terms and get away with it.

    7. Seems like his intent was plenty clear in the original comment. Hence “he gets me that angry.” “That angry” being to trot out a racial insult.

    1. So now we know why the chicken crossed the road – it was trying to evade taxes.

    2. I understand there is an additional reason, that the EPA and mileage regs (I think something over 2000 pages of them) move small pickups into the car category with much stricter mileage and pollution requirements. To make a small pickup which fulfills the requirements would end up costing almost as much as a full size pickup, so of course no one would buy one, and no one will make them.

    3. I often wonder what our standard of living would be without any government regulation.

      Flying cars (no roads, FAA, DOT)? The cost of everything would likely be half (or a third) of what it is now. And god only knows what other innovation didn’t happen because of impediments put in place by government. Fusion? At least highly efficient nuke plants….

      If it were only possible to show the damage done by inhibiting liberty.

      1. I think CATO did some fairly detailed calculations a few years ago and said regulations cost the economy one and a half trillion dollars every year.

        That is the most pathetic thing about Progs. They claim to love the welfare state so much and the dumb fuckers could probably afford it if they would just give up the regulatory state.

        1. $1.75T per year and that’s just federal regulation. That’s equivalent to 13% of the GDP.

          This says $1.8T (p 7).

          1. Local, state, and federal governments spend $7T a year, 40% of GDP. Even if only half is wasted in cronyism and inefficiency, you still have to consider how much additional money is wasted by the private sector trying to keep up with the government bureaucrats. Some study said the federal income taxes require enough hours form the private sector to fill 3M full time jobs.

            Crist the economy would rocket without that drag.

            1. Christ, $7T. Do you have a cite for that, I’d like to tuck that away?

              1. No, I was googling and the federal budget is easy, states were a pain in the butt, then I found a site which tallied them all up. But it makes sense. $3.5T federal. California has roughly 12% of the population and its budget is $165B, which comes to $1.5T, that’s $5T. Add in cities and counties and it sounds plausible. It also matches the folk wisdom of working until April to pay for taxes.

  6. Did he say the ‘Decoration of Independence?’

    Remember. I don’t hear well.

    1. We still talking about Takei?

    1. There is something wrong with those boys and it aint because of her. Fine members of the patriarchy they are.

  7. So I saw Ted 2 last night. It is pretty much a documentary on life in Boston with a stuffed bear playing one of the parts. It is also funny as hell. I think it is significantly funnier than the first one, which was also pretty funny. After watching it though, considering all of the pot smoking and porn, I think Episiarch might be the real Ted.

    1. I’m starting to hate anything starring Mila Kunis. She’s a vixen but she’s horribly prissy in every role she fills. She was terrific in Black Swan because it needed the bitchy foil for Knightly but Jupiter Jones was awful.

      1. (My perception may be colored by having watched That 70s Show on repeat for three years during lunch at work.)

      2. She was the love interest in the first one right? I don’t think she is that hot. She is kind of funky looking. She is just skinny with a nice body but really not that attractive.

        1. She’s one of the few women who could make me reconsider being faithful to my first love, Rosario Dawson.

          1. To each their own. And yeah, she was a shrew in the first movie. I didn’t get why the guy wanted her so bad.

            1. Love is blind.

              And not too bright.

          2. How dare you say such a thing about Ms. Dawson! I will defend her honor. Have at thee, miscreant! I challenge you to pistols at dawn!

            Also, Kunis isn’t in Ted 2. Like John, I thought it was pretty funny. What struck me was the theme that “Ted is a person and Tammi-Lynn is his wife, no matter what the government says!”

            Quite the subversive message.

            1. I caught that too, which I also liked. It had some very funny lines. I loved it when he found the porn stash on Wahlberg’s computer. “There is no such thing as chicks with dicks, it is guys with boobs.”

      3. Portman was in Black Swan, not Knightley. But yeah, totally agree.

      4. Mila’s apex was in American Psycho 2 opposite The Shat. What a psychological thriller!

  8. Vox goes Full Retard: Over at Vox, Vox voxplains why our revolution was a mistake.

    I am not providing a link because I respect you all too much.

    1. It was shared yesterday in PM Links, I believe.

    2. It is amazing how every single person who writes there is profoundly stupid. You would think they would hire someone who wasn’t by accident if nothing else. They must give an IQ test to all applicants and only hire those who fail.

      1. I suspect, if you apply for a job there, you’re probably not gonna perform well on any sort of IQ test.

    3. “I am not providing a link”

      thank you

  9. Happy Fourth of July for tomorrow, mofos. Use your independence wisely.

    1. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.

    2. You know we won’t, ifh. Christ, we elected GWB and Obama – TWICE EACH!

      Thanks anyhoo!

      And

      *SRAP!!*

      (that’s for Geolge Takei)

      1. IN fairness to America the alternatives were Manbearpig, John Kerry, McCain and Romney. Other than probably Romney, I really can’t see how all of those guys wouldn’t have been worse.

        1. I disagree. Romney is as conservative as I am progressive.

          He socialized medicine in his state when he was governor, is a staunch drug warrior, and I saw footage of him campaigning for governor where he pointed at a power plant and ranted and raved about how they were poisoning the earth.

          He is as bad as the other lot.

  10. So I flipped by CNN this morning and they had a story on this Greek couple stranded in New York. She had been unemployed for four years and he worked part time for the government, yet they were able to save all of this money for their “dream honeymoon”. They were going to go to New York, and drive across country for seven weeks including taking a cruise to the Bahamas. They get to New York only to have their bank accounts froze. A local church gave them the money to change their ticket and fly back to Athens. And they were on CNN whining about how horrible it was that they can’t take their vacation.

    It was a perfect microcosm of the horrible things socialism does to a society. These people were over 30 and were acting like teenagers who had just maxed out their parents’ credit card and didn’t understand why it stopped working. It was both funny and sad. Greece is an entire nation of infantilized people.

    1. She had been unemployed for four years and he worked part time for the government

      Obviously victims of austerity….

      1. My wife and I both have full time jobs and good incomes and we couldn’t begin to afford a trip like that. These people managed on unemployment and part time government wages.

        1. You don’t understand, they deserve that vacation. It’s owed to them.

          1. They are a proud people. The woman actually said that on camera. If you are so fucking proud, why don’t you get off your ass and go to work?

            1. I don’t think ‘proud’ means what she thinks it means.

              Arrogance and sense of entitlement are not characteristics of pride.

        2. It’s CNN. I doubt the veracity of the entire story.

          1. No. The woman was clearly legit.

      1. And even if that is true, we could never just pay them compensation and move them to another island. Nope, the entire world must be condemned to poverty and misery to stop this “injustice”.

        1. I find it strange that it took years and years to establish blame and reparations for those islands affected by nuclear testing, an obvious and blatant direct violation of rights, yet we’re rushing to establish our collective guilt for something that is debatable and, at most, indirect.

          1. I ;likely wouldn’t be around to collect, but I would bet anyone my paycheck, the Marshal Islands are still there in a hundred years.

            1. Still there, but now collecting annual “preemptive reparations” from first-world countries.

      2. For “reparations”, we should just buy up all the beachfront property. I mean, it’ll be gone in the future and there will be new beachfront property later, right? So it’s free money for them. No reason not to take that deal, unless they’re full of shit and this is a shakedown.

      3. One of the assumptions made by the people with science on their side is that ocean levels can fluctuate but land levels do not.

        Science, yes sir.

        1. Wait a minute. I remember seeing this shit a decade or more ago and they were predicting then that by now the Marshall islanders would all be using snorkels.

          So, another failed prediction of the AGW crowd. The science grows stronger.

      4. Atoll reef islands actually float and rise and fall with sea level change.

        http://wattsupwiththat.com/201…..g-islands/

    2. I work part-time and go to school. My girlfriend works full-time to pay off her student loans. The notion of taking a vacation on our combined salary is laughably impractical, let alone spending seven weeks touring Europe on honeymoon. But apparently Europeans have it right because a Greek couple in even worse straits than we could tour about overseas on their earnings. Until it went tits up, anyway.

      1. Maybe I’m looking at this the wrong way. Suppose rather than saving the money they financed the trip, which seems likelier. What happens to Greek debtors if and when Greece abandons the euro? Are their debts monetized in worthless drachmas, too? Or are domestic and foreign banks impotently trying to collect from Greeks who will be shielded by their socialist government?

        1. The debts get monitarized, along with anyone in Greece who has any savings or money into worthlessness.

        2. Good point. It’s the natural response to impending inflation. Spend it before it’s worthless.

          They were just a little bit too late.

    3. “They get to New York only to have their bank accounts froze.”

      You mean, they loaned the bank money, and then the bank was unable or unwilling to pay it back to them. Gosh, it’s a real shame when people stiff their creditors.

    4. I read the story it sounds like the Greek couple really was screwed over. They had saved the money (don’t ask me how) for the vacation. Instead of carrying all that cash (since the US government can steal it without much trouble), they were advised to get a couple of Greek bank credit cards to use instead and pay the cards off at the end. Sensible plan. It is what everybody here would recommend.

      But when the Greek Government decides to keep money from flowing overseas and that includes people using credit cards they were screwed.

  11. Also, this is one of the greatest histories of ‘melica I’ve ever heard.

    I always like asking immigrants what they think. Mostly, they marvel that we’re quickly changing to all the shit that they fled.

    Happy fucking Friday, reasonoids.

    1. Like the sort of country that doesn’t post links on a holiday eve? The sort of country that leaves a throwaway post at the top of the stack for hours? On this, the day before the day of our country’s independence anniversary?

  12. You sure that wasn’t a Neil Cicierega spoofing them?

  13. From the video:

    “…John Fitzgerald Kennedy was killed by CIA…”

    This guy gets it.

  14. Is this the new-new AM Linx?

    1. No, its the Holiday weekend “we’ve already left the office and are Gone Drink’n”-thread

  15. It is worth noting that this Japanese fellow’s understanding of American History is actually more-accurate than that of the average domestic public school student.

    And yes, i know how dumb and cliche these segments are. Still.

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