Sex

Sex Club Rebrands as Church to Thwart Nashville Zoning Laws

Do not deliver us, oh Lord, from temptation...

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Stephen Romay/Flickr

Last fall, The Social Club of Nashville left its current quarters for an isolated office park a few miles away. Owners spent $750,000 on the building and began renovations fit for "a private club for the enjoyment" of sexual activity. But when neighbors figured out the nature of club members' intended socializing, they packed the city council in support of a zoning change which would prevent The Social Club from opening. 

"The new building is geographically isolated at the end of a dead-end street," AP reports, "but it is near the back of Goodpasture Christian School, a large private school serving pre-school through high school children." Under the new zoning law, private sex clubs are prohibited from operating within 1,000 feet of any schools, parks, daycare centers, or churches. 

So The Social Club re-branded: It will now open as the United Fellowship Center, a house of unorthodox religious worship. The dance floor is now a "sanctuary." The dungeon is now a choir room. And dozens of small, private spaces have been designated "prayer rooms." The United Fellowship Center has even gotten a city permit to meet as a church—and "a church is something that cannot be defined under the U.S. Constitution," its lawyer, Larry Roberts, told AP. 

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  1. …”a church is something that cannot be defined under the U.S. Constitution,” its lawyer, Larry Roberts, told AP.

    Oh, I’m sure that even now, bright and eager minds are considering doing so.

    1. “We can’t define it but we know it when we see it.”

    2. The IRS begs to differ:

      [stupid fargin character limit prevents link. Google “IRS definition of church”]

      To define churches and other religious entities, some of the IRS guidelines consider whether or not an institution has:

      ?a distinct legal existence and religious history,

      ?a recognized creed and form of worship,

      ?established places of worship

      ?a regular congregation and regular religious services, and

      ?an organization of ordained ministers

      1. I’ve found if you post a link with the h**p:// it’s over the limit, but often if you start with www it isn’t, and it still becomes a link.

    3. I make up to $90 an hour working from my home. My story is that I quit working at Walmart to work online and with a little effort I easily bring in around $40h to $86h? Someone was good to me by sharing this link with me, so now i am hoping i could help someone else out there by sharing this link… Try it, you won’t regret it!……
      http://www.work-cash.com

  2. As a former altar boy, I think I have to consider that picture a microaggression.

    1. Were you triggered?

      1. My cassock got tight (if you know what I mean).

        1. I had to pull out my prayer beads, if you know what I mean.

          1. *prayer* beads?

            *widens gaze*

            1. The Holy Spirit was in me, if you know where I’m coming from.

  3. That’s a picture of Sister Mary Impassionata, right?

  4. I’ve been waiting for someone to bring back temple prostitutes!

    1. You’re going to church? I thought you were atheist!?!

      No, not in Nashville. In this town, I believe.

  5. Should have been called the Fellowship United Center for Kama.

  6. That actually explains a lot about why the confession booth had a hole in the wall instead of a screen.

    1. “Bless me Father for I am about to sin.”

      1. I’m too lazy to look it up, but The Onion has a great video of a politician publicly asking forgiveness before his infidelity.

  7. The Social Club re-branded: It will now open as the United Fellowship Center

    Can you still be a throbbing member?

    1. Ok, HM, your link has once again sent me off into weird directions. Remember this one?

      Bonus Penn and Teller cameo.

  8. Worked for Scientology.

  9. I’ve been calling for the forming of ‘the first church of the latter hedonists’ for some time now. Booze, hookers, blow, all that you know, but in a strictly religious context. First commandment is:

    Thou shalt do what feels good, brothers! Now pass that blow!

    1. Well, provided that there aren’t any crimes committed, like prostitution or illegal drug use, you could pretty much have a church for anything.

    2. There actually was a Christian sect in ancient Egypt that believe the Second Coming would only happen once every possible sin had been committed, and they decided that they therefore had a moral imperative to commit as many original sins as possible in order to hasten the blessed day.

      I’ve always had a soft spot for that sect.

  10. She’s no lobster girl, but as a former Catholic, I find that photo strangely compelling. Thanks, Elizabeth!

    1. Perhaps it’s because her left hand is a claw?

      1. It got frozen in that position by god because of one of her more frequent sins.

      2. Dammit, Rich. I didn’t even notice that! What is wrong with you?

        1. He’s been cursed with the same affliction, so he just looked by reflex.

        2. And now I can’t unsee it. This is why we can’t have nice things!

        3. Sorry, guys.

          Guess I should have been like you and just held my piece.

          1. Plainly visible, what was done there.

  11. So, in a less snarky vein, if this flies, can you use the same principle to bypass all zoning regulations on businesses?

    1. That’s an interesting question, PZ. According to some of the more religious folk here religion is a magic way to bypass any and all laws because otherwise it’s oppreshuns. Every right has some limits; fire/theater to use another 1A example. But it will be extremely interesting to see this case wend it’s way through the courts, which I suspect it will for a rather long period. I also predict this will cause a fleeting coalition of anti-religionists and hardcore religionists.

  12. Gosh, I hate to interrupt a good piece of comment bait, but did you notice this in the AP story?

    “Roberts said church members will “meet and have fellowship” in the new building, but no sex will take place there. “If people have something else in mind, they will go somewhere else.””

    So if we take them at their word, they’ll simply *talk* about kinky, perverted sex in the church but actually do it elsewhere. Like Epicopalians.

    1. Episcopalians

      1. You mean the JV squad. There, I said it for you. You’re welcome.

    2. Of course their lawyers is going to say that. I’m sure there’ll also be signs everywhere. However, the “prayer rooms” will have locks, soft beds and incense because it’s easier to pray that way.

      1. I dunno. Has this been cleared with the Penguin?

      2. Then if they’re caught they’ll have trouble doing a RFRA lawsuit, since their sincerity will be in doubt.

        1. Or a RLUIPA lawsuit

        2. “Sincerity, Your Honor? Look at our attendance. Many of our faithful members come several times a week! Match that with the mainstream denominations.”

  13. And lo, there was a great knowing and knowledge therefor, and upon the belly of the woman who was not the man’s wife was seed spilled.

  14. To be clear, there are plenty of people for whom eroticism fills the same place in their spiritual life as traditional religion does in others. Such people are, under the 1st Amendment, just as entitled to form their own church as anyone else.

    My question is as to the sincerity of these particular individuals. I can’t know their hearts, but their timing is…suspicious.

    1. And how do you measure “sincerity,” Eddie? Srsly?

      This is going to be delicious because if the government or the nearby competing church raises that we’re going to get testimony about: catholic girls who get abortions, catholic girls who perform a certain sex act to final and absolute completion, christians of all stripes who have buttsex, etc, etc. This case is going to make certain segments of our society very uncomfortable, and that’s a good thing.

      1. “And how do you measure “sincerity,” Eddie? Srsly?”

        All I know is, I know a guy who persuaded his draft board of the sincerity of his pacifism. If a draft board can differentiate between sincerity and insincerity, anyone can.

  15. Okay. But, I have one question. Can they refuse to service gay patrons?

    1. Niiiiice. That would be delicious. Especially if they sublet to a sect that forbade PIV. This could be the gift that keeps on giving, and giving…

    1. Yeah, srlsy, Aly. This may not be the test case that either ultrareligious or nonreligious wanted, but then Miranda wasn’t the case that 4A people wanted, either.

  16. The Social Club Synod preaches Aphrodite risen and uncrucified , and baptism by internal immersion.

    1. I don’t know what you just said, Russ, but I like the sound and cadence of it.

  17. Everyone on their knees to receive the sackrament!

  18. Damn. ENB does not disappoint.

    1. If you know what I mean, that is…

  19. I Believe!

  20. Little detail about Nashville from when i was a resident there (mid 1990s) =

    this “distance between churches and porn-shops” type of regulation was just starting to become popular back then….partly because the city had – at least in the 1990s – the highest density of porn-stores, strip clubs, bars, and *churches* in the downtown area of any comparably sized small city.

    you could walk out of church, get your drink on, and get a handjob on the same block.

    This is what happens when you mixed a very bible-belt city, where “christian publishing” was the #1 industry for years… with a big “tourist/business conference” industry which dragged in thousands of out of towners annually, mainly to get drunk during the day and leer at strippers at night.

    A favorite destination for college kids = “The Worlds Largest Adult Bookstore

    This piece has a little ‘splainer

    “By the late 1990s, Nashvillians had had enough of businesses masquerading as “massage parlors,” “saunas” and “spas” that were really no more than houses of prostitution. “In those days, Nashville had a problem with whorehouses,” says Council member Adam Dread.

    1. There would have been no problem if it wasn’t illegal.

  21. “a church is something that cannot be defined under the U.S. Constitution,” its lawyer, Larry Roberts, told AP.

    Yeaaaah, the courts would beg to differ.

    Amish and Social Security exemptions
    Native Americans and drug use exemptions

    They love them some adjudicating on whether or not your religious beliefs are ‘genuine’.

    1. No kidding. But somehow, a government that determines what is, or is not, a “real” church is not violating (if you know what I mean) the Establishment Clause.

  22. But when neighbors figured out the nature of club members’ intended socializing, they packed the city council in support of a zoning change which would prevent The Social Club from opening.

    Tyranny isn’t just for top men. I think these are analogous to the kind of people who say “I believe in free speech, but …”, where they’ll say “I believe in private property, but ….”

    Under the new zoning law, private sex clubs are prohibited from operating within 1,000 feet of any schools, parks, daycare centers, or churches.

    We can’t actually ban the organization, so we’ll just make it impossible to exist anywhere in our city.

  23. sex clubs are awesome when your wife finds a tight cock she wants to swat with her pink machine guns…. I love seeing my hot fucking formerly baptized jesus luving vagina machine fucking a hot stud in the club. I always bring a bible to blow my jizz on… and also a koran../

  24. Sex clubs are treated worse than gays… by far…

  25. Gays have life easy compared to us alt-lovers who don’t wear rings and fuck alt partners… and then it gets worse. Poly people are fucking insane. they hate swingers- even swingers for life.

    Sex behind the hinges of America puritanism will never be caught on the tubes so if you think that latest fucking dumbass bullshit suckvolcano called neighbors with benefits is real you are braindead and should be dragged into the dessert on the backs of thousands of desert frogs…

    We fuck partners… and we make over a quarter million a year… you think this team willl ever go real? jhahhaahahahahaahhaahahahaha…no

  26. Don’t the owners have some sort of constitutional claim here since they spent all that money on the building in reliance of the previous zoning regimen?

    If I was to buy a plot of land, spend $750,000 building a 3 story house on it, and then the locality zones it commercial only, saying I cannot use my house, I feel like that’s a lawsuit.

    1. Which is why cities back off on church related issues. It’s why we see churches operating in tilt up, concrete office condos without need of getting a CUP. While all the other occupants of said office condos, had to receive the sacramental blessings of the city’s community development department before they set up shop, lest they be run out of town.

      Too many people think the only restriction that cities and counties have on land use is zoning. In fact, it goes way beyond that.

      It’s part of the reason I have opined here in the past about the more direct and consequential impact of state and local laws are on each of us than federal regulations. Even as bloated as all of those federal agencies are.

  27. You live a few decades dedicated married men and women of the American tradition.

    You marry with strict legal rigid barricades and make babies and the man boy will always jack off in the bathroom in the late of night and his fucking weak spine will always deny this and your female fucking dumbass will use the kids as an excuse not to have dumbasses cock in your vagina or ass because you’ve been changed into a boring fucking mother. Mother decides when her vagina gets frisky at 2 in the morning while her tits are churning milk it is wrong to get off and she rolls over and silently slips her fingers between her lips and lies there getting off…

    Men and women in this country are not real with each other… they act like they will live forever with each other and their fluids and problems and lusts should be filtered through all their educations or church or traditions…

    no..

  28. America is not real with each other…

  29. Marriage is a trip in living lives… men aren’t supposed to lust after other women and women never lust.

    and men who look at other men are horrible and women who look at other men are sluts and in between women don’t like men who look at men on the first date because they are fucking shit fucking queenfucks and and if a woman looks at another man on a first date it is pretty rare the dude will act like a fucking pitviper bottom loss fucking vapid cheese like the fucks on Imus program called Diedre Imus and Dragun you fucking whore ass bitchcobras….

    women have the fucking only existence to enjoy tight men and and men have the fucking end world existence to enjoy lovely cunt butts.

  30. A man who checks himslef in the mirror with sweet end of life miniskirt has a right to do so…
    and a woman who checks her makeup in the mirror of the neon club lights in the bathroom after dancing with me and my married ass has a right to get checked and loved and fucked… and i will tell my loving pussy of power about all the cum spilled on the lovely special miami darling and she will let my cock hit her sloppy seconds at 3 in the morn in a florida beach shark song with bourbons on the wetbar.

  31. We love short loves.

    We live short lives.

    We live a snake bite.

    We marry and make kids.

    Those kids are all the same.

    Awesome and perfect and we all

    find we as parents sucks

    We’ve sucked sinced humans hunted

    dinosuars. No one will tell you this because in

    open society

  32. because in open society all parents submit to schools and dea and catholic jesters and all the other cults and evangelicals….

    after d.a.r.e. the kids get parent smudges… and those of us who get fucking hammered by the guns of cheers actually use bertrand russell and those forgotten texts to resist all these fucking old ass ohio counties trapped in 1925 but we have to get these kids beyound the dumbass braindead fucks of law enforcement into the trumpets and sliders and science of jesus whatthefuck….. and we get our kids past all this horrible fukcing paste of hell
    …. and so is born the libertarian knight and knightess…

    and I’m not sure where to unleash this beast because the future is not prepared for this math machine of veins and hearts..

    so I sit on the sides and stroke my fat cock and drink tears for fears into my throat like 20 bottles of fucking booze and my cock streams precum of all sorts of ninjas with sword cutting chocolate bars into a billion pieces….

  33. you live not long married force.

    you will die soon after fucking making people.

    you all will struggle to pay bills during this moment of dust.

    you all end alone after they go.

    The go repeats your will..

    and the will repeats this for centuries…

    your time here is a flower petal of resonance. your wife and husband is not a new york building… they are a wind on the weaves of the living for the greatest now.

    tradition and laws make us fear experiencing the open arms of differentials. Why die fucking one man? Why die fucking one woman? Why die fucking one christ or buddha or mohammed?

  34. I’ve been married 22 years to the same fucking awesome woman and I don’t wear a fucking mark on my male body to let all the girls at Kmart and WalMart and Red Lobster know that I.am.free. for.their. fucking dumbass fucking church brains.

    FUCK it. I will NOT let contemporary society or my wife demand that I signal the greatest love known to the living with a piece of jewelry.

    Fuck IT…. Love is an altered state.. I live in altered states and know those throngs of chemical coursing the space ships on those alternative course and I live and breathe not giving a single goddam fuck…

    I love my wife of 22 and I love my girlfriend of 5. and my life loves me of 22 and her sweet boy in chicago of 2. and we will all die soon… while tons of traditional monogamist hate us for breaking their rules… we will all die equal

  35. There is no soul mate, dummies.

    A soul mate is desperate gesture to avoid dying without fucking offspring.

    A soul mate is the best friend you will find in the deli before your tomb is tapped by a creative. and the kids argue over the fucking funds…

  36. Why does romance not include breaking the rules of thousands of years of tiny men?

    The past is not great. It is not smart. NOTHING about the past is great IQ. Nothing about the hundreds of years into jesus are really all that fucking great even Shakespeare’s fucking dumbass posion bruise of the little girl in the verses…

  37. Marry and die.

    Marry and make those little kids the state wants to check on…

    Marry and the planets revolve and those little kids checked on by the social conservative constitutionalists and the leftist fat girls at the child protective agencies….

    Marry and deal with your husband getting fucking fat and his dick getting slow to get up and deal with your wifes thighs looking like cheesecake in her late 30’s and she has headaches with no name because women aren’t educated to jack off ever like the little men.

    Teen boys are taught to get off by the dads but are teen girls taught to get off by their moms?

    Contemporary teen sexuality is like american marriage…. oaken and processed by pastors and prosecutors….

    Life has no future with these iron-barred horrific fucks…

    break from this

  38. the future of living is captured by the jarring violence of left wing prosecution and the bullets of right wing morality…. the open living domes are on the edges of being crushed by spine crushing politicos of the last 40 years and these collective spine slashers are found in the twangs of easy going cocktail parties in the old families of the south and the hamptons… and in the old families of cal and wisconis and nebraska…..

    oligarchy is the modern united state and not a single fucking soldier or farmer or tired business person gets this…

    the state is compromised and it has turned into old bricks in the ancient tombs…..

  39. American Indians were the soil of the bridge built on this expectation.
    The suns of revival on the lives lost in the great sea carpets crawled
    by men dying of diseases and wine and those flags cried like
    strangers in the holocaust of black lives wound in the ribs of ships felled
    by angry seas and my actual tears crawl from my old letters to the

    space slaves who bled in the people of modern times as the old
    natives who trekked buffalo lions in the great canyounns of peyote
    and mystical suns this modern steel welded plastic visage has lost
    the gorillas of the greatest lost living in the plains of fiery heat and repeat

    and my breathe and your is filled with the lungs of warriors with our own white
    scalps and we lost while we grew our great paradise but the culture of old
    vows cannot be regained because history is not limber it is easily broken
    and it weeps in the winds of recent times and so do this recollection because
    my old heart comes from the cherokee and I have danced the

    cries of the walk and of the lands they struck from my new white place while my old
    indian spirit looked, investigated, imagined, and cried with volcanic mists smashing
    the great indian spirit as this nation has done since blue jacket.

  40. I just need to not fucking be here right now.. my places bleed

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    Visit this website ?????????? http://www.jobsfish.com

  42. They missed the chance to call themselves Fosterites or the Church of the Man from Mars.

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