U.S. Military Honors Saudi King with Essay Contest (Seriously)
Moderate beheadings


The chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff want to make sure everybody knows just how dearly the U.S. military treasured its friend, the recently departed king of Saudi Arabia. To that end, the Department of Defense has commissioned an essay contest to honor the late monarch, whose friendship with the U.S. was exceeded only by his sponsorship of terrorism, butchery, and oppression.
King Abdullah "moderate beheadings" Bin Abdul-Aziz passed away last week at age 90. Here is how the U.S. government glowingly describes his reign:
Army Gen. Martin E. Dempsey said the essay competition is a fitting tribute to the life and leadership of the Saudi Arabian monarch.
Lifetime Supporter of U.S.-Saudi Alliance
The king was a lifetime supporter of his country's alliance with the United States. Abdullah ruled Saudi Arabia from 2005 to his death, and served as regent of the country from 1995. He is succeeded by King Salman Bin Abdul-Aziz.
"This is an important opportunity to honor the memory of the king, while also fostering scholarly research on the Arab-Muslim world, and I can think of no better home for such an initiative than NDU," Dempsey said in a statement announcing the competition.
The competition will focus on issues related to the Arab-Muslim world and is designed to encourage strategic thinking and meaningful research on a crucial part of the world. The program will be in place at NDU for the next academic year, officials said.
'A Man of Remarkable Character and Courage'
Dempsey first met Abdullah in 2001, when he was a brigadier general serving as the U.S. advisor to the Saudi Arabian National Guard. "In my job to train and advise his military forces, and in our relationship since, I found the king to be a man of remarkable character and courage," Dempsey said.
Because it takes remarkable character and courage to preside over a country that routinely beheads enemies, tortures political dissidents, and jails religious dissenters.
Credit where credit is due, however: An essay contest commemorating a Middle Eastern tyrant has to be one of the more creative ways for the federal government to waste our money I've seen lately.
For more on the Saudi situation, read J.D. Tuccille on "The U.S. Government's Embarrassing Friend."
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In my perfect world, every submission would come with images of Mohammad. And to be really insulting, written in Word.
...in the Comic Sans typeface of course.
There is no typeface in which a word document looks good. LaTeX or bust.
Computer Modern Roman FTW
Gothic faces want a word with you.
I wonder if he ever had sex with one of the heads.
That's sick and insulting you perv.
Non of them were goats.
Because it takes remarkable character and courage to preside over a country that routinely beheads enemies, tortures political dissidents, and jails religious dissenters.
Well, no one said what kind of character. And evil people can be courageous too.
How the fuck anyone can have even the least bit of respect for our federal government is beyond me.
General Dempsey wants to award prizes for hagiographies of a brutal theocrat who helped foment world wide terrorism while General Petraeus is disgraced and possibly destined for the hoosegow.
Make of it what you will.
After he retires, he is headed for a second career as Public Information Officer for the Patrolmen's Benefit Association.
It's so Saud to see him go.
Allah in good fun, huh?
Aziz what you did there.
Muhahahamid.
I hate all of you.
It's ok, we hate you too.
Hassan hummus and feel better about these Arab puns, Rick.
Who the hell is Rick?
Ricky Ricardo.
But you hate me the most.
It's more pity than hate, Nicole. I mean, you are the worst.
Seriously, his successor sounds kinda fishy.
Holy Shiite, you people are awful.
Sorry, just muezzin' with you,
Too sunni?
Well, I'm glad you could sharia it with us.
He was muslim.
I was going to tell a joke about Jonestown but the punchline was too long. Oops, wrong topic.
Damn you, Prof! I just laughed at a Jonestown joke and I would not have thought that was possible.
Jiminy. Could we just get our tongue out of this dead guy's ass? This is embarrassing.
You see, this is just more proof of how evil oil is. It's all the fault of the Koch brothers and Obama is trying to save us, and the planet, and we just can't appreciate it.
It all makes so much sense now!
The stock price of the makers of Just For Men tumbled on the news of his death.
Just more proof of how evil Murikan Coporashunz are. Now all the jobs are gone for a guy who could both sell a good camel and dye a beard purple and give it the heavenly scent of frankincense and myrrh. Corporate wreckers and hoarders.
Can all of us here at H&R submit our own Essay?
There once was a king of Arabia
Who the U.S. thought was a savior
But what with head-chopping
And flogging folks for blogging
He should have lived in a cave, yeah.
Notorious G.K.C.|1.26.15 @ 7:07PM|#
"There once was a king of Arabia"
"
Arabia/savi-iah is a bit of a stretch.
Not for those of us surrounded by nasally Long Islanders.
Each of us writing our own, or should it be a collaborative effort?
There once was a king of the Saudis
Whose relatives drove around in Audis
He said he supported Islam
But his whiskey's haram
And his wife was a whore and looked dowdy.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqJDuZIcQ34
Needz moar camel fucking and drankin Irish whiskey.
There was a king who was untrammeled
He was a joker like Mark Hamill
He was so amazin'
Screams like a muezzin
When he's having sex with a camel.
I think you're getting it...
A+ for the limericks.
A++ for a Mark Hamill-Joker reference. Way better role than Luke Skywalker, and for a much better brand.
I'm still getting over him being the Joker.
Mind. Blown.
My essay will be on rape culture and the murdering of gays and cartoonists vis-a-vis the religion of peace.
So how many will have the balls to write an honest, critical essay? And what will happen to them?
Here is an essay that I dreaded
It's about all the boys the King bedded
He takes them down to Mecca
And then he will wreck ya
But for saying this, I'll be beheaded.
What's a good Arabic phrase which rhymes with "snack bar"?
Allahu akbar
I loled.
That's probably the best one so far.
I sent in my honest, critical essay and Army Gen. Dempsey looked at me and said, "Kid, we don't like your kind, and we're gonna send you fingerprints off to Washington. "
And friends, somewhere in Washington enshrined in some little folder, is a study in black and white of my fingerprints.
And some douche in DC earned his wings.
You look like a Group W type to me...
*Jums up and down*
KILL!! KILL!!!
We should just make it a part of mandatory pre-school that each student write a gushing essay about their favorite murderous dictator.
Don't have a favorite murderous dictator? Well, 1000 lashes for you, you little pint sized rebel.
"Pol Pot, or how we understand millenials"
Old Mexican's Child: "I've prepared a report on the most vicious tyrant in the history of the human race: Abraham Lincoln."
Episiarch's child: "All government is a tyranny, Mrs. Smith. Asking me to choose only one is a betrayal of the 7 billion people living under the fascist boot-heels of the state.
Also, when you make fun of Republicans for being stupid, it's pretty obviously projection."
That's a smart kid. Which one of my countless bastards are they?
The old dirty one.
Heroic Mulatto's Child: *Evades question, plays twerking video.*
I can imagine my daughter doing that, yes.
Your job is done. Just wait for the grandkids to roll in.
I had to do what I did to counteract the fact that her mother is from the Old World and plans on shaving the girl's head and sending her to live in a convent on Mt. Emei the day after her first period.
Yeah, but it was a pretty terrible parody of you because it didn't contain the word 'dude' and there wasn't any thinly veiled homo-erotic tension between you and Sugarfree.
Just keep working on it, dude, like I'll keep working on NutraSweet's anus. He's the bottom, I swear!
"Mao tse tung, my favorite political philosopher"
"Obama and obamacare: condemning millions to slow death by neglect"
The competition will focus on issues related to the Arab-Muslim world and is designed to encourage strategic thinking and meaningful research on a crucial part of the world.
My personal submission will be tasteful extracts from the National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States. I think I have a copy somewhere.
King Abdullah Bin Abdul-Aziz
Passed away and the US says, "Please,
Tell us in verse
How this could be worse."
And all I can think of is "Geez."
"This asshole is dead and you're bawlin',
Like some kind of tragedy's fallen?"
But it's not as bad
As what faced my dad,
He had to write something nice about Stalin.
zing!
Jerryskids|1.26.15 @ 7:45PM|#
"King Abdullah Bin Abdul-Aziz/
"
AwRIGHT!
OT: The sweet taste of cronyism?
http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01......html?_r=0
The deliciousness of British chocolate helps to explain the bad teeth stereotype.
Listen to my story about a man Saud
A poor camel herder barely kept his family fed
And then one day he was cuttin up some dude
and up from his neck came a bubblin goo
Bile that is
Black gold
Allah's tea
Well the next thing ya know
old Sauds a dictator
The inbreds said, "Hey, move away from here,
Riyadh is the place for dynasty"
So he hacked up his friends and killed his enemies.
Once, a man named Abdullah was king
His subject said a terrible thing,
The king took the man from his bed
And, with a stroke, took off his head,
And Obama, his praises did sing.
WTF
Is Wrong with
The people running this country.
The people who elected them.
Bullshit!
Most of em are unelected.
Aren't elected
Appointed, anointed, confirmed and disjointed.
The people who elected the idiots that appointed the idiots - many of whom got appointed by the idiots they elected.
What the fuck is wrong with a country,
So well fed, rich and comfy,
That it dabbles with Marx.
Just for witty remarks,
And banter amongst it's gentry.
Jesus, Linda Lovelace didn't deepthroat this well. I bet Obama didn't spill a drop.
My essay will be a sardonic essay starting out with the premise that Obama, PBUH, is self-evidently good incarnate, and then showing how the dead Saudi tyrant is evidently even more saintly in many categories of behaviors, such as his judicious use of beheadings that reduce collateral demage compared to the more indiscriminate mayhem of Obama's (PBUH) drone murders.
I'm all for "constructive engagement", but this sort of sycophantary is beyond belief.
And our tax dollars are paying for it?
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I had a longer comment here initially, but, brevity.
Fuck. This. Shit.
It's a research and essay contest. Maybe the research part can be determining how much King of the Camels and Custodian of the Two Holy Outhouses, PBUH, fucked over his supposed ally. No?
has commissioned an essay contest
It's like the entire administration and dept. of State are run by a bunch of social-media savvy tweeting, blogging millennials.
Perhaps a "10 Awesome things you didn't know about Bin Abdul-Aziz" on Buzzfeed would suffice.
Here's my essay:
"I hope that Muslim b*st*rd spends eternity getting *ss-r*p*d by his 72 virgins. Good riddance.
The end.
There once was a man of Riyadh
To whom fortune had given the nod.
A powerful king,
Many folks kissed his ring,
And some even rucked on his Saud.
This is why I read Reason! No matter how awful the subject is y'all make me laugh. And on Bonus Days I get poetry. Thank you all.
I can only imagine the seriousness being put forth to write this essay. For giggles I'm going to spin this in a positive light to my boss and see if his erection is noticeable.