Free-Range Kids

Beware of Non-Existent Threat, Warns Consumer Protection Czar

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Yeti
Wanida.w

Let's hear it for Karen Straughn, Maryland Assistant Attorney General—Consumer Protection. She is so dedicated to protecting consumers that she has gone beyond reality and is now warning her constituents about mythical dangers.

According to ABC's 7online.com, the consumer protection advocate is telling people that if they suddenly notice a $100 bill on their windshield, they should not get out of their cars:

Most people would, possibly thinking it's a holiday gift from a stranger, but, really, authorities say, it could just be how you get caught in a scam. Authorities in Maryland are warning people about the potential for this kind of scam, particularly around the holidays.

They're warning people that when the driver exits the car with the door open to grab the bill, a thief has the opportunity to steal the vehicle.

Um… before even discussing the fact that this is an urban myth, can we think about it logically for just a sec? How could you be in your car and then notice a $100 bill on your windshield? Did you get in with your eyes closed? And if someone was standing close by, ready to pounce, why would he bother with a $100 bill? You're there, he's there. Pounce.

And how many pouncers have a cool, crisp $100 bill to use (and perhaps lose!) on this venture, anyway? Wouldn't a $10 bill work just as well? Or even a coupon for a free Chipotle?

But, of course, all that is beside the point. Straughn, a public protectress, says she has heard one "unknown resident" mention "one incident" of this happening—the old friend-of-a-friend grapevine—but "has not seen a police report about it." Of course not. No one has. Because it never happened.

This non-reality may be slightly relevant, she says:

"But because it's something of a frightening nature, if this happens to someone, we hope they will take the proper precautions," Straughn told ABC News.

Straughn said she is aware that the scam is touted online as an urban legend, but she wants to warn the public as a precautionary measure.

In another press conference, we assume Straughn will warn consumers to be aware of large green

free-range-kids

creatures with stocking caps as these "Grinches" have been known to steal Christmas. And if you find yourself getting into your car and suddenly confronted by a large man-bear about 8 feet tall with white matted fur, this is a Yeti, and consumers should exercise extreme caution….

…in choosing their next assistant attorney general.

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  1. Beware of non-existent alt-text.

    1. Start working at home with Google! It’s by-far the best job I’ve had. Last Wednesday I got a brand new BMW since

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  2. I once came out of the mall to find someone put a car under my $100. As soon as I crawled under the c-note to retrieve the car, someone pounced on me and ran off with the $100.

  3. pretty sure you could scam Karen Straughn with a jelly donut.

  4. Hey, this stupid shit has been touted seriously on MSN & Yahoo portals this last week. When I first saw it, I went to the link where it said, “Well, no-one’s ever actually filed a police report……but, it COULD happen!” Does anyone at any major news or government organization have any functioning brain cells anymore?

    1. Does anyone at any major news or government organization have any functioning brain cells anymore?

      How would such a person have been hired?

    2. May I assume that’s a rhetorical question?

      1. I think that’s a safe assumption.

    3. Seriously? How can you call it “stupid shit” when the Maryland Assistant Attorney General?Consumer Protection thought it was a big enough deal to officially warn people about it?

      -Yahoo and MSN

      This danger has been reported by officially-licensed press outlets Yahoo and MSN!

      -Maryland Assistant Attorney General?Consumer Protection

      This is how this shit works.

  5. “pretty sure you could scam Karen Straughn with a jelly donut.”

    AAAAH!!! CARBS!! GLOBAL WARMING/COOLING! TRANS-FAT!
    SAVE ME!!

    1. You’re either with America or with the Yetis.

      1. The only thing that can save us from the Yetipocalypse is to destroy their habitat through global warming!

        1. That cruel idea is crazy!

          So…crazy….it just might WORK!

          1. Hey, forget you guys, I’m with the Yetis. All hail Yetitopia!

        2. Yetipocalypse

          I smell a new SyFy channel exclusive movie. It’ll be Sharknado X 2356.

        3. I say we take off and nuke the entire site from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

    2. As long as those carbs are gluten free you should be OK. It’s the gluten that makes your dick fly off.

      1. OH, God…that’s what happened. I just thought there was no dick because she was a girl!

  6. Meh. The *real* scam involves crazy-gluing a quarter to the windshield.

  7. That’s all well and good, but what is the Maryland Assistant Attorney General?Consumer Protection going to do about the danger of Dihydrogen Monoxide?

    1. People die from it! Yet multinational corporations are still free to sell it for a profit! Capitalism has failed! Think of the children!

    2. You could LITERALLY drown in that stuff.

    3. It’s a key component in acid rain!

  8. It would be a fun job where all you did all day was imagine ways in which people could be scammed or harmed.

    It reminds me of a while back when there were warnings of needles placed in the handles of gas pumps. You would start pumping your car with gas, feel a prick and then AIDS.

  9. Without over-exaggerated or non-existent threats, there would be no need for government at all. Straughn is merely taking the core function of her office to its logical conclusion.

  10. A couple of things. 1) For better or worse, Maryland’s electorate does not choose the Assistant Attorney General — it’s a bureaucrat position. 2) Marylanders did in fact just choose a new Attorney General, so maybe he’ll go crack some heads when he takes office. 3) I’m actually kind of ambivalent about this because every hour she spends on this kind of idiocy is an hour she’s not spending on some regulatory idiocy which could affect people’s lives.

    1. Unfortunately, this is how new regulations that affect people’s lives begin.

      1. The only way to prevent this is to ban people from carrying $100 bills in parking lots. And to enforce that law, we’ll institute checkpoints with searches at the entrances to all mall parking lots. It’s for your own safety.

        1. They’ll be checking them for cocaine residue as well. For the children.

          1. Well they’ll be doing the search anyway. It’s just efficient.

        2. Typical Republican. The real solution is to *require* everyone to carry $100 bills in parking lots and to ensure that all of our people are included we’ll tax everyone $500 to fund the program and hand out $100 bills to the needy. Duh.

        3. “we’ll institute checkpoints with searches at the entrances to all mall parking lots.”

          What if they walk across the lawn or hop the fence? Huh? Obviously, we’re going to need a bigger budget and more guards.

          And we can’t trust the private sector for this kind of matter. So they need to be government employees. All paid a Fair Wage. With reasonable benefits.

    2. Maryland “chose” a new Attorney General because the incumbent was running for Governor instead (and lost the primary). The “new” AG was endorsed by Michael Bloomberg and just about every statist institution in this state. The likelihood that Frosh will be superior to Gansler is slim to none.

  11. Guys Man-Bear-Pig is real and I’m super serial why won’t anyone listen to me!!!

    1. *pictures LynchPin1477 running off making “whoosing” noise with cape flapping in breeze*

      1. Hey, how did you get those pictures?!

        1. That’s what happens when you leave your webcam on.

          1. I should have known something was up when I went to get that $100 bill of my computer. Almanian you sneaky bastard.

  12. If you see sirens in your rear view windshield, don’t stop.

    1. If you see sirens, you’re either a greek mariner, or you’re suffering from synesthesia.

      1. And if you have a rear view windshield, you’re driving backwards.

        1. ecnalubmA

  13. If there are cops in the neighborhood, hide your dog.

  14. If a chick wants to hook up with you, check her facebook and twitter accounts for jezebel links.

    1. Well, that’s actually a good idea.

      1. Well, any chick who wants to hook up with me either has really low self esteem or serious Daddy issues. Either way -SCORE!!

    2. And get arrested for invasion of a goddess’ privacy? No thanks, I’ll just jack off.

  15. “But because it’s something of a frightening nature, if this happens to someone, we hope they will take the proper precautions,” Straughn told ABC News.

    There it is.

    HERE BE MONSTERS

    1. Wendigo. Obviously.

  16. Travelers to the Loch Ness area of Scotland should be very wary of a possible lake monster. Car thieves in the area are known to wait for unsuspecting tourists to get out of their cars to take photos of the lake monster and use that opportunity to pounce and take their car.

    1. And never give the Loch Ness monster tre fiddy.

  17. Did she also warn about those LSD laced temporary tattoos that are being given to small children? They are just as scary as her scenario, if also myth.

  18. Listen, and understand. That $100 is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

    1. “I’ll be back” – headshot of Benjamin Franklin

  19. What – no concern for the spate of Moose bites lately? THANKS A LOT, MARYLAND ASSISTANT ATTORNEY GENERAL.

    1. A Moose once bit my sister.

  20. Don’t flash your headlights!!!!!

  21. If you have a 100 dollar bill your are most likely a drug dealer.That and the rest of your cash will be taken ‘for the children’.

  22. This is one of the reasons why I left Maryland. Also were the high taxes, high cost of living, high crime rate, congestion, noise, pollution, and liberal uppity-ness.

    1. There’s also the weather, climate, Baltimore, proximity to DC, and the fact that it faces, like, right toward Morocco.

  23. my best friend’s mother-in-law makes $62 /hr on the internet . She has been fired for six months but last month her check was $18735 just working on the internet for a few hours. visit site….

    ????? http://www.netjob70.com

  24. Dammit, my scam has been revealed, my plot foiled and now I’m out hundreds of dollars I gave to that man so he could steal some cars for me.

  25. Honestly. Doesn’t anyone use Snopes.com?

  26. i buy almost everything except food and clothing from online auctions most people aren’t aware of the almost I unbelievable deals that they can get from online auction sites the site that has the best deals is..
    ================= http://WWW.WORK4HOUR.COM

  27. Start working at home with Google! It’s by-far the best job I’ve had. Last Wednesday I got a brand new BMW since getting a check for $6474 this – 4 weeks past. I began this 8-months ago and immediately was bringing home at least $77 per hour. I work through this link,
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  28. I bet she’s totally serial.

  29. Now I want a burrito. You bastard.

  30. Should we move Berkeley to MD?

    “Berkeley prepares new cell phone radiation safety law”
    […]
    “Last week, a Berkeley City Council majority voted to have city staff come up with language for the new cell phone law. But whether council ultimately will vote to adopt it is unknown.”
    http://blog.sfgate.com/inberke…..afety-law/

    Unknown, but predictable…

    1. Why work on a problem that is mostly solved. Most of the folks in Berkeley already wear tin foil hats.

  31. Consumers confronted by yeti should exercise caution in purchasing hallucinogens.

  32. And if you find yourself getting into your car and suddenly confronted by a large man-bear about 8 feet tall with white matted fur, this is a Yeti, and consumers should exercise extreme caution….

    STEVE SMITH NOT YETI!!!!!

  33. Risking a $100 bill seems a poor way to use a distractant, but with today’s color copiers, it may be worth a cheap shot. The problem is that it doesn’t buy the assailant much time.Still, getting into your car, particularly for a woman with packages, is a time of heightened risk.

    Rely on your safety triangle: Situational Awareness, Profiling, and Firearms.

    Don’t be paranoid, but be careful out there.

  34. Yes it is a scam/urban legend. However — “… How could you be in your car and then notice a $100 bill on your windshield? Did you get in with your eyes closed? …” is just as ignorant from the author. Has the author even looked at cars in the last 30 years? Is she even aware that for many car makes when the wipers are not in use they slide into a cavity made between the lower windshield and the rear deckline of the hood; hence making it impossible to see a C note stuck there WITHOUT first getting in the car?

    By the way Lenore do you know what a `slider` is?

  35. I was about to say the same thing. I generally approach my car from the rear, and don’t make a habit of inspecting the windshield before entering. I often find flyers from apartment buildings and night clubs under the wipers *after* I’ve already buckled in. (Once, I didn’t notice until I turned the wipers on and the flyer wiped across my screen.)

  36. My last pay check was $9500 working 12 hours a week online. My neighbour’s sister has been averaging 15k for months now and she works about 20 hours a week. I can’t believe how easy it was once I tried it out.
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  37. Simple explanation: She’s a Democrat! They have to have their fantasies.

  38. Start working at home with Google! It’s by-far the best job I’ve had. Last Wednesday I got a brand new BMW since getting a check for $6474 this – 4 weeks past. I began this 8-months ago and immediately was bringing home at
    least $77 per hour. I work through this link, go? to tech tab for work detail

    ?????????? http://www.walletwiki.Com

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