Michelle Obama

Michelle Obama Joins Upworthy. You'll Never–Oh Forget It.

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Flickr, Barack Obama

First Lady Michelle Obama('s ghost writer?) has joined Upworthy.com as a "guest curator."

If you're not familiar with Upworthy, it's the awareness-raising, heartstring-tugging, site with taunting headlines that usually include something like "You'll Never Believe What Happened Next." Here's an actual one with a different flair: "This Woman Explains Why She Used To Draw Abstract Vaginas All Day." It's a style so annoying, Facebook now actively removes such links from your newsfeed, and it's a platform so easy to parody, the makers of The Onion recently created ClickHole.com just to do that.

So, it's kind of surprising move for someone who has the gravitas and unique perspectives that come from living in the freaking White House.

Obama writes curates her first headline: "I Really Hope The Parents Of These People Get To See What They Said Here. They'd Probably Cry."

She goes on to explain the trials of her own experience as first-generation college student. "I'll admit I was a little overwhelmed. … I didn't even bring the right size sheets for my dorm room bed." She writes that without a "three-week, on-campus orientation program … I honestly don't know how I would have made it through college." Dude, you graduated cum laude from Princeton before heading to Harvard Law.

She eventually gets to the point by sharing a video about successful first-time collegians like herself, and concludes that "we're missing out on too much potential because too often young people don't believe that college can be a reality for them."

A White House blog post explains that Obama is doing this "as part of her Reach Higher initiative," which pushes kids to "take charge of their future by completing their education past high school, whether at a professional training program, a community college, or a four-year college or university."

Hopefully, for the sake of the kids, her future posts will focus on the professional training programs, because college isn't the only way to utilize one's potential, and certainly isn't the cheapest or even the one with the biggest payoff

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  1. These people have the gravitas of a drunk chihuahua.

    1. However, a drunk chiuahua might actually be entertaining and not a total loss.

  2. She writes that without a “three-week, on-campus orientation program ? I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through college.”

    Hold on, three weeks of orientation? Am I the only one who thinks that’s just retarded, or is this par for the course nowadays?

    1. Read her senior thesis, and then ask the question again.

    2. I had about an hour. Most of that was “don’t do these stupid things that are against policy or you’ll get thrown out”

      1. An hour doesn’t sound like nearly long enough to undo years of rapist brainwashing. To the education center with you!

        1. Fuck you. It was a technical institute. You had to go to UofR to find the girls.

            1. University of Rochester? of Richmond? of Redlands?

              1. He confirmed RIT below so it’s Rochester – my lovely home town.

                1. Yes, it was Rochester.

                  Or, rather, South Henrietta.

                  While I was there, I actually saw someone with a “South Henrietta Institute of Technology” hat (in a parody of the actual RIT merch).

                  1. “University of Maryland University College University School”

                  2. Which doesn’t make a lick of sense because not only is there no such thing, but RIT is located in the northernmost part of Henrietta.

  3. “I didn’t even bring the right size sheets for my dorm room bed”.

    Excuse me, I think I have something in my eye.

    For the record, I slept on a mattress with a blanket for 3 years in college. A mattress that I found.

    1. Right. My college experience was a junk motorbike + stuff from Goodwill + whatever my parents could spare tossing my way in a family of 8 kids where I was the oldest.

    2. Yeah, I slept in a sleeping bag on the floor, on a sofa, a futon, or wherever between 18-24 years old. And I’m not going to deny that I never really washed that sleeping bag. Looking back, it was kind of gross.

      1. I feel like I built up a lot of immunity to disease in those years.

  4. We’re not talking about the goddamn court at Versailles, Rob. These people are the epitome of classlessness and always have been.

    As for this gem:

    She[…] concludes that “we’re missing out on too much potential because too often young people don’t believe that college can be a reality for them.”

    That’ll happen when you price college to cost more than someone’s first house, and lard it up with completely pointless classes and experiences.

    1. I’m skeptical of the basic premise. While college expectations are absolutely lower for certain demographics (which I do think is a problem worth addressing), I’d wager that the majority of all 13-17 year olds expect to go to college.

      1. I’d wager that the majority of all 13-17 year olds expect to go to college.

        Not in my high school. There was a large chunk of the student body who only showed up to socialize.

        1. Not in my high school. There was a large chunk of the student body who only showed up to socialize.

          I suspect most kids for about the last 20-30 years have viewed college as an “experience” and something to check off of their bucket list rather than a means to an end. They get to college and generally fuck off in their gen-ed classes, then start to buckle down when they get to their degree-relevant courses.

          That was fine when you could pay for tuition by flipping pizzas. When a college education costs the equivalent of a luxury car, or a small house, it’s merely an indulgence in an economy that doesn’t cater to people expecting to be rewarded for simply showing up.

        2. And most probably wanted to continue socializing for 4ish more years.

          1. They did that by getting on the welfare rolls.

  5. I didn’t know how to pick the right classes or find the right buildings.

    I’d call bullshit, but there is not enough bullshit in the world’s stockyards to call on that.

    1. This. We’re in the same territory as Hillary Clinton calling herself poor.

    2. I can believe it. I can also believe the same is true for lots and lots of freshmen. I got lost my first week or two because the university I attended was fucking huge. My first couple months of college were pretty shitty because I’m not exactly a social butterfly. College is an adjustment. It doesn’t matter how many family members went before you, or how many prep courses you took, or how many weeks you spent in orientation.

      1. I got lost my first week or two because the university I attended was fucking huge.

        They gave us a map – I carried it with me for reference until I learned the campus.

      2. I did my graduate work at Princeton. It is not that difficult to navigate, and I had to go to two campuses (main and Forrestal).

    3. If you can’t find the right buildings, then you’re an idiot.

      Picking classes is almost done for you for the first year.

      Granted, there are things I wish I had known about the hidden opportunities at college, but for God’s sake, this woman is lamenting that without proper guidance, she wouldn’t have been able to find the Captain Crunch at the cafeteria.

    4. Her senior thesis was about being a black woman and her FEELZ or some stupid shit. After college, she got a cushy sinecure at hospital thanks to her hubby’s political connections. And she still believes in the high-carb, low-fat bullshit.

      This is a woman who will never wise up. I believe every bit of her sob story.

  6. Bringing the wrong sheets to college is a problem that I think lots of college students have, first generation or not. You know what the solution is? Buy new sheets. They’re sold everywhere precisely because they are in such high demand. This is about as much of a problem as forgetting to change the Britta filter.

    1. My college mailed me a handout before classes started stating the size of the mattresses in the dorms. I’m going to file her anecdote under “shit that didn’t happen”.

      1. Lemme guess. A twin mattress?

        1. I was going to say, I thought pretty much every dorm uses twin mattresses. So if she brought the wrong sheets that means she thought she was getting a different size bed, like a King or Queen. First world problems.

          1. Most dorm beds are extra long.

            1. Hm. Actually I think that was the case.

        2. Bingo! A shocker, I know.

      2. So did mine, and if my Mom hadn’t read it in detail I would have probably brought the wrong sized sheets. And I would have dealt with it because they’re just freaking sheets!

    2. Britta filter? What is this, the Four Seasons?!?

    3. “My king-size satin sheets didn’t fit my dorm mattress! Where could I find another set of $600 sheets at a moments notice?”

  7. “Without a “three-week, on-campus orientation program ? I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through college.”

    How effing stupid was she?!

    And why is she proud of it?

    1. The appropriate phrase is gleefully ignorant.

    2. I thought the week of orientation my freshman year was excessive. How freaking much help do you need to figure out a campus map, the closing time of the closest bar that doesn’t check id’s, when meals are served and how to read a class schedule? I guess she wants all of America’s youth to accept that they are helpless sheep without the good graces of the beneficient Obama.

  8. I was moved to tears by this, but what happened next was shocking.

    1. You masturbated?

      1. Using tears for lube can only lead to more tears.

        1. Tears of Joy, yes.

          1. If managing to get it up to a picture of a scowling Michelle Obama is “joy”, you have an odd definition of the word.

            1. Everyone is someone’s fetish, HM, disturbing as that thought may be…

              1. “Disturbing”??? Try terrifying!

              2. I’ll never go back to my bunk…

  9. You’ll never guess this one weird trick to ignoring Michelle Obama. Click here to find out.

  10. Orientation is always the worst part of anything and is almost always completely unnecessary. Three weeks? What a joke.

    1. I help organize part of an orientation for our international students on campus; you know, folks from 12 time zones away who speak English as a second language.

      The orientation is an hour and a half.

      Our international student retention rate is close to 80 and our graduation rate even higher for that group.

      1. Our international student retention rate is close to 80 and our graduation rate even higher for that group.

        Not that I disagree with your premise, but I think motivation might have something to do with it as well.

        1. but I think motivation might have something to do with it as well.

          I would agree with that except in the case of most Saudi men on a King Abdullah Scholarship grant. It really is just the Saudi monarchy funding a 4 year vacation of whiskey, hash, and porn for their young men at that special time in their lives when they are most at risk for radicalization thanks to the cultural phenomenon of “Waithood”.

          1. When I lived in a rental room in La Jolla, the Saudis would gather at a local bar every night. They were unmistakable at 50 yards as they were the only ones who would wear leather overcoats in 90 degree weather.

        2. And that’s a special circumstance- foreign ESL students. Orientation might be useful. American students going to American colleges is something else.

          My statement was categorical, but there are obviously exceptions. Just not ones that last three weeks.

          1. No, I agree with you Bi. I’m saying that our foreign students have a mere 1 and 1/2 hours and they do just fine. 3 weeks for an orientation is absurd.

    2. That description could also apply to Michelle Obama. Her lifetime accomplishment is being stage dressing. If her husband wasn’t a politician, she’d be the most obnoxious mother in the PTA.

  11. I think there was about an hour long orientation at my college. Granted, it was a state school but I don’t remember there being any unanswered questions.

  12. “we’re missing out on too much potential because too often young people don’t believe that college can be a reality for them.”

    Is she trying to compete against Mike Rowe?
    http://www.mikeroweworks.com/home
    The goal of Profoundly Disconnected? is to challenge the absurd belief that a four-year degree is the only path to success. The Skills Gap is here, and if we don’t close it, it’ll swallow us all.

  13. My school (SUNY Buffalo) had a week long orientation. At least half of it was fun and games, though. I had a blast.

    1. We had something similar at Purdue . I ditched 3 days in and played hours of tennis with my high school friends instead.

  14. “”I Really Hope The Parents Of These People Get To See What They Said Here. They’d Probably Cry.””

    Is the First Lady trying to say something about ‘writing with lots of indefinite pronouns’, and how that leads to generally poor sentences?

    What people? Which said what? They’re *crying*? THE FUCK ARE YOU ON ABOUT?

    Since when is, ‘Writing like a teen girl up-talks’ considered acceptable usage of the English language in print?

    And glancing at what this was supposed to be the ‘leader’ for…

    …its something about how we have to *Baby College Students… more than we already do??*

    Christ. Choke on a carrot you fat whore.

  15. My biggest concern when starting college was when does one jack off with a roommate around at all times. That and how bad my feet smelled.

  16. Well, at least now I know how come there’s so many abstract vaginas drawn on public restroom walls.

  17. I was 8 and I lost my bus money and had to walk home about 10 miles. It took me forever. Along the way I decided the hospital my Dad was staying in (yes, I did write it that way on purpose) was probably somewhere along the way, so as I walked I asked directions to my home and also to Shaughnessy Veterans Hospital.

    I popped in to see my Dad and made it home. Albeit about 4 hours later.

    For her to say she couldn’t find the right building is either a)the truth, in which case she is self-identifying as an idiot b)a typical lie, or c) both. I’m going with both.

  18. Instead of talking about her pathetic, personal NON-STRUGGLES, she should try inspirational motivation that focuses on the young people. Totally clueless in DC.

  19. Yeah, first generation college student here. I worked a full time-job and sometimes another part-time job, did my Army Reserve training, and took a full course load. I also went on two deployments that interrupted my undergraduate coursework. I had to either sleep in my car or on my friend’s floor on some nights and I sometimes went two or three full days without sleeping at all. Check your privilege, Michelle.

  20. Instead of printing this blather, why doesn’t she work toward encouraging more people to finish high school?

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