Zero Tolerance

School Board Bans Chapstick: Gateway Drug to What … Maybe Burt's Bees Lip Balm?

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chapstick
Chapstick

The extent of idiotic zero-tolerance policies in public schools is almost unbelievable. Now comes this new example from Augusta County schools in Virginia—banning chapstick. As the News Virginian reports:

An 11-year-old Stuarts Draft Elementary School student has collected petition signatures and officially asked the county school board to allow elementary students to use Chapstick.

Stuarts Draft fifth-grader Grace Karaffa appeared before the school board Thursday night, saying she had requested the substance while on the playground after suffering chapped lips.

"I was told I couldn't use it. Then later that day they (lips) started to bleed so I asked for Chapstick again and I was told that it was against the school policy for elementary kids to have Chapstick," Grace said.

Grace asked the school board to change its policy. "Chapstick allows the human body to heal the lips themselves and protects them in any weather from drying out," she said. She concluded her speech by saying, "Please school board, allow us to have Chapstick." 

The response?

George Earhart, the assistant superintendent for administration with the Augusta County Schools, said Chapstick is considered an over-the-counter medication by the school board. The board has a policy regarding such medicines. He said Chapstick could be allowed if a physician asked for a student to use it, and it was administered by a school nurse.

Earhart said one of the reasons for the policy is concerns about elementary students sharing medications. He said the student's request was taken under advisement by the school board.

The whole school board must devote a second's thought to this "issue"? Amazing. Lesson of the day: Bureaucracy turns adults into Epsilon-minus Semi-Morons.

Addendum: For more moral panic face-palming, see my colleague Katherine Mangu-Ward's amazing post, "Beezin: The Awesome New Fake Teen Drug Panic Involving Lipbalm and Eyelids."

Accompanying spoof video, "Social Media Helping Teens Get High Off Burt's Bees Lip Balm: 'Beezin' Trend Can Cause Pink Eye-Like Symptoms." Seriously folks?!

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  1. PUBLIC SCRULE!

  2. The children getting a valuable lesson in mindless bureaucracy.

  3. “Please school board, allow us to have Chapstick.”

    And right there you have the problem with this country.

    1. Good catch. Although, he is asking very politely to have something returned that morally can’t be taken from him in the first place. So there’s that.

      1. I think a better approach would be ‘fuck off statist pigs, I’m using chapstick and there’s not shit you can do about it’. Just sayin, that might actually work if enough kids did it. Pleading with these sociopaths just reinforces their control freak mechanism and makes them that much worse.

        1. Use the Facebook to organize a bring your chapstick to school day. Hell, the Egyptians used it to help take down a government.

          1. I can just see the swat team arriving on the playground in armored vehicles. ‘Get on the ground! Where’s the chapstick?!! Don’t move!! Stop resisting!!!’

            Look, I had to shoot that 10 year old, I feared for my life.

            And nothing else happened.

          2. Civil disobedience. Can it make a comeback?

            1. Maybe in the hood. In white suburbia? Umm, no, unless you consider civil disobedience forgetting to say please when you beg your masters to let you have some chapstick.

              1. I’m not so sure. People will only be pushed so far.

                It’s fine when it affects someone else, but when the hammer falls on you, you will take notice. When the hammer has fallen on enough of us, we will push back.

          3. Hell, the Egyptians used it to help take down a government.

            Well, they took down “a guy”. That government is still largely in place, demanded back by the very students that wanted its ouster.

            They had the Muslim Brotherhood for a while, which was the closest thing they had to a new government, but when they realized that’s wasn’t what they meant, the old government took back over.

        2. *I think a better approach would be ‘fuck off statist pigs,*

          As they use the state-controlled schools. LOL.

          1. The state needs to be reminded that it is answerable to the people and not the other way round.

          2. I’d send my kid to school with chapstick. If they confiscated it, I’d send her with two. If they confiscated both of those, three. I’d keep it up until she literally couldn’t carry the bags of chapstick for being too heavy. If they suspended her, I’d drop her off at school anyway. If they physically restrained her, I’d get a lawyer and sue.

            And I’d send a letter very clearly stating what I was planning to the school board and various media outlets.

  4. What makes a person like that? How does one delude themselves into believing they need to rule others for their own good?

    We have met the enemy and he is a busybody!

    1. Power corrupts. And the most easily corrupted are petty bureaucrats longing to show the whole world just how wise they are, and how much better off the world will be when they’re in charge.

  5. And we wonder why millennials vote Democrat. It’s not their fault.

  6. Augusta County, it’s terror and drug moms all the way down. Frankly, I would be surprised if they let them dance, given that it’s the work of the devil.

    1. They do all their dancing north of the railroad tracks.

    1. + 1 pair moon boots.

  7. So what happens when a student is found with this illegal chapstick? A slap on the wrist? How will we ever wipe out the scourge of chapstick if we don’t get serious? First offense, 10 years in prison and lifetime probation, loss of 2nd amendment and voting rights for life. 2nd offense, life in prison.

    We’ll never be rid of this chapstick demon unless we get tough on crime.

    1. I’d send my daughter to school with chapstick every day. In the meantime, I’d secure a lawyer and I’d be ready with a two-barrel lawsuit.

    2. Call me Suzy Chapstick!

      /old commercial that would cause problems at this school

  8. Today’s it’s chapstick. Tomorrow it will be glittery lip balm. Can wild, drug induced orgies, teen pregnancies, and back alley abortions be far behind? No, no they can’t. And that is why we need free birth control for all.

    1. and back alley abortions be far behind?

      Abortions are ok. Chapstick, BAD!

  9. Rules are an excuse for certain kinds of people to not think. It frees them from responsibility, and they desperately hate responsibility. So of course they gravitate to positions where they are freed from thinking and responsibility by mindless rules.

    This will just continue to get worse.

    1. I’m really having trouble comprehending how they could even begin to rationalize what you couldn’t even parody. Nobody would believe it; the joke would fall flat.

      Aren’t most school boards elected? Time to take out the trash.

    2. What, rules are rules!

    3. Of course they can’t win. When there are no rules, people complain about the arbitrary use of discretion. When there are rules, people complain about the rules.

  10. I consider it embarassing for that school’s parents and staff, that it is an 11-year old requesting this obviously-wrong-headed rule, and an adult didn’t address this idiocy instead/sooner.

    They must be trying to play the “pitiful child” card.

    There’s a lot of efforts made to correct dumb rules, that fail because of the misguided/sheeple way in which they are approached. This is an example of a common mistake I see: trying to play the role of a perfect angel who is following the rules, and going through the “proper channels”, and appealing to the board’s mercy in hopes they will have pity on your harmless cause – like Oliver Twist asking for more gruel. As they’re finding out, this approach simply serves to give “them” (in this case, school board) a satisfying chance to uphold mindless rules and disallow because they can.

    1. There’s a lot of efforts made to correct dumb rules, that fail because of the misguided/sheeple way in which they are approached.

      I disagree. They fail because the people who write and enforce these stupid rules feel that every rule was put into place for a well intentioned reason, and questioning the rule is an insult the good intentions of the person who wrote it.

      1. That and there are so many rules being implemented by so many disparate entities, that it is impossible to keep up.

        1. That would require individual judgement, and that’s not allowed. There is supposed to be no individual judgment, but rather a uniform policy to be applied equally to everyone. It’s discrimination to allow a somewhat responsible kid to have ChapStick, while taking it away from an irresponsible kid. Do you want to get sued by Johnny’s parents for allowing Sally to have ChapStick but not Johnny?

          1. ”The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers”

          2. Hmm, does Johnny get to sue when Sally blows him with chapped lips?

  11. Think of the nurse. Probably wanted to be a nurse to help people. Did some amount of training, ended up falling into a school nurse job, but generally, it’s not bad, bandaging up skinned knees and such.

    And administering chapstick.

    The doctor, too. First time you get asked to write a prescription for chapstick so the kid can have it at school…

    1. That’ll bring the cost of healthcare down for sure.

    2. I think the answer is to immediately form a bureau of chapstick and only allow citizens who have obtained a chapstick permit ($3000 per year) to apply chapstick. For the children.

      1. We need licensed chapstick applicators. Can we have them dress in miniskirts? I’m all in!

  12. I bet this rule was put in place because somewhere in America schoolkids were sharing their herpes by sharing lip balm.

    But you people go right ahead and keep on raging against the machine, maaaaaan.

    1. Keep on fellating authority, comrade.

      1. For the record, sucking the schoolboard’s cock plays hell on lips after a few hours.

    2. It’s the Iron Law of Bootlicking:

      No one is safe, if everyone isn’t safe.

    3. Yeah, lots of elementary age kids passing around HERPES.

      Fuck off slaver.

    4. No, I don’t think so. It’s just a rule forbidding the self-administration of drugs by students during school. Which drugs? To be non-discriminatory, all drugs. The state pharmacy law and/or the FFDCA considers lip balm a drug on the basis of healing claims. If the school wants to exempt lip balm, they’ll have to undertake a rulemaking to specifically exempt it.

      The rule is probably there for liability reasons. Somebody sues because a student was hurt by self-administration of a drug, they can say, “But we had a rule against it. We did everything we could to prevent it. So we were not negligent.”

  13. He said Chapstick could be allowed if a physician asked for a student to use it, and it was administered by a school nurse.

    I can see that for a four year old, maybe. Except the part about the doctor. It’s not prescription. A parental request should be sufficient. But after five or six a kid should be able to use it themselves. Fucking ridiculous.

    1. A four year old should be able to bring it to school without any explicit parental permission. What’s the worst that could happen? They eat the whole thing and get the shits? Isn’t that par for the course for 4 year olds?

      1. They eat the whole thing

        We have to ban it! Hey, kids sometimes eat crayons too! Ban crayons! Fuck it, ban everything!

        /SoCon-Proggie Coalition for a Safe Future.

      2. I had to take the stuff away from my four year old because she’d smear it around until her mouth was one big painful rash.

        1. OK, reasonable. I don’t have kids. Maybe I underestimate their destructive abilities. But it also seems like something that can be handled by a competent teacher as the need arises. Oh wait…

  14. So does the school nurse use one chapstick for everybody or do you keep your own stick in her lockup?

    And apparently this dates back a while. The school health advisory board mentioned needing streamlined paperwork for chapstick in 2012.

  15. George Earhart, the assistant superintendent for administration with the Augusta County Schools, said Chapstick is considered an over-the-counter medication by the school board. The board has a policy regarding such medicines. He said Chapstick could be allowed if a physician asked for a student to use it, and it was administered by a school nurse.

    I am increasingly of the opinion that the only way to rescue our nation from this vile scourge of the education “blob” is to call a meeting of the NEA, with an agenda such that none of the members of the blob wish to miss it, provision a sumptuous banquet, and bar the doors and shoot flaming arrows into the building and immolate the infection.

    1. Give ’em the Red Wedding treatment. I like it.

    2. Just poison the food.

  16. In the Spring of ’01 I took my 8th grade trip to D.C. along with all of the other 8th graders at my school.

    One night, at a dinner we had set up for us, I was befallen with a pounding headache and a girl in my class gave me an Aleve. Worked like a charm as it is supposed to.

    Today if that happened I’d be kicked out of school for buying ‘drugs’.

    Yay Amerika

    1. Wow, it’s just unreal to learn how barbaric you people were back then.

  17. So now there’ll be skeezy guys hanging out near the playground: “Hey, kid! Want some chapstick? The first one’s free!”

    1. We’re going to need a few billion to fight this chapstick black market. For the children.

  18. In fairness, the dark tubular shapes could put SROs in fear for their li…BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM. STOP RESISTING!

  19. “The whole school board must devote a second’s thought to this “issue”? Amazing.”

    I personally don’t think it’s all that amazing. If they didn’t devote time to crap such as this. People might realize that they really don’t need a full time school board. And, those on the school board would have much less power.

    “superintendent for administration with the Augusta County Schools, said Chapstick is considered an over-the-counter medication by the school board. The board has a policy regarding such medicines.”

    The school board set a policy that Chapstick is over the counter medication. And, the school board created policy to deal with such medicines. But, when someone complains about that policy they make it sound like the school board is powerless to change either policy. I guess that’s the political way of saying that’s the decision we have made now STFU!.

  20. Speaking of helicopter parents, my wife got verbally attacked at an FSU booster event by a helicopter mom who wanted everyone to know — she mentioned it several times — that her daughter had never paid a bill in her life, and that now she was getting a $16000/year education at UVa and how was poor little snookums gonna navigate the bureaucracy? I was more polite than usual since my father-in-law works for the boosters. I regret that now. That stupid bitch called my wife’s boss to complain. He apparently called my wife in to let her know that a crazy woman was ranting about her and to laugh at the woman’s constant citing of “HIPPA” in the matter. I was beside myself this morning. Now I just want to take a baseball bat to her car. But I’ve learned an important lesson. I knew I should have entered the asshole contest instead of letting her win by default.

    1. Life’s too short to waste on crazy people.

    2. Jesus. You’re going to look like an asshole if you get in an argument with a “concerned mom”. Take this experience to confirm with your wife that she can defend herself against assholes. Offer her some strategies and even practice some scenarios. I know it seems silly, but maybe your wife needs to become more confident in her ability to defend herself verbally. My wife is a cutie, and a little timid, but I know she does have a point where she’s, “Now you listen here, bitch!”

      1. Good idea, thanks. I agree 100%. She shouldn’t need me to do it. Although, I’m not good at taking verbal abuse from anyone (or by extension allowing my wife to be shouted at), so there’s a good chance I’m going to start shooting back before my wife gets a chance to practice.

    3. What did your wife say?

      1. We were making polite conversation with strangers about jobs — she works as an undergraduate advisor. Someone asked her if she liked it and she said, “no, I really don’t like students. Or the parents.” And bang. Crazy lady went crazy. And then when she ran out of ideas, she resorted to: “You just don’t understand because you don’t have kids in college.” Her husband tried to calm her down, and everyone else was embarrassed for us. We were on the booze bus to the tailgate party in Arlington. Nobody (but her) wants a fight.

  21. “Please school board, allow us to have Chapstick.”

    I have to wonder if anyone in the audience had the temerity to stand up and asked if the board if they have completely lost their fucking minds, or am I just taking crazy pills?

  22. A school system that appears to be run by super-sophisticated and highly-educated professionals. The upper echelons, if you will. Those who’ve risen above the mere mortals around them through dedication, hard work, and a shit ton of obedience to authority.

    The superintendent here is the perfect example of a polished tyrant in a business suit wielding a deft smile backed with the natural iron fist of authoritarian disregard for common sense and logic.

  23. Some shit makes you want to scream “FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” while curb stomping some fucking moron’s face.

    This is some of that shit.

    I really hope I never find myself anywhere near George Earhart, because I’ll just have to eat the prison time.

  24. Juvenile Herpes is no laughing matter

    1. Finally, the payoff!

  25. Oh, the lulz. My 7 yr old asked for his very own chapstick whilst shopping w/ me the other day. I said what the hell and bought him one. Now apparently, it’ll have to remain at our home in VA…along with his UZI.

  26. This really chaps my hide.

  27. In the continuing saga of adults proving to our children that adults are jackasses …

  28. They are concerned about children sharing stuff like this and passing around infections? School districts around America are taking in tens of thousands of illegals from Central America bringing diseases most people can’t even spell and these jackasses are worried about this?

  29. They are concerned about children sharing stuff like this and passing around infections? School districts around America are taking in tens of thousands of illegals from Central America bringing diseases most people can’t even spell and these jackasses are worried about this?

  30. The only reason I can come up with to ban chapstick is to keep kids from spreading cold sores, but parents just need to tell their kids to not share that stuff, just like not sharing hats and brushes because of lice.

  31. My plans to synthesize potent hallucinogens from Carmex, white vinegar, and dish detergent continue unabated.

  32. I’ve carried chapstick pretty much every day of my life since I was in like, first grade. Ironically, in Virginia.

    Amazingly enough, I survived all this time.

  33. Those who can do.
    Those who can’t, teach.
    Those who are too stupid to teach, are elected to school boards.

  34. and the drum beat goes on and on and on forever. Sort of like Orwell’s boot.

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