Canada

Ho Canada!: Porn Channels Aren't Showing Enough Canuck-Made Content!

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If only Gordon Lightfoot, the Ontario-born singer-songwriter who has arguably benefited more than any single human being from Canada's law mandating TV and radio stations air home-grown artistic products, also did porn.

CBC News is reporting that porn stations in the Great White North haven't run enough skin flicks featuring good old Canadians. Almost as bad, the content they are showing isn't captioned. This, in a country whose national animal is the beaver and whose national police are called Mounties.

The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission says AOV XXX Action Clips and AOV Maleflixxx may not be airing enough Canadian content or closed captioning.

The X-rated specialty channels are supposed to air 35 per cent Canadian programming over the broadcast year and 90 per cent of its content should have captioning.

As part of proposed licence renewals, the commission plans to hear evidence on the apparent non-compliance.

It also has questions about the channels' ownership structure.

Possibilities include revocation of the licences or renewals for shorter periods.

Full story here.

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  1. Captioning? Who’s watching this for the spoken content?

      1. If you’re French Canadian it’s more Oue Oue Oue…

        1. Geez, Paul, they spell it “ouais ouais ouais.” This is why there is not enough captioned Canadian porn.

          1. I had only hear it spoken when I’m in Canada.

            But, you made me look.

            ouais – yeah
            Ouais is an informal equivalent for yes, equivalent to “yeah” or “yep”:

            Apparently, the French spell it that way too, in the informal.

            1. How is it pronounced? That just looks like someone bought a lot of vowels but only has one consonant.

              1. As far as I can tell, in French, the S is silent.

              2. Like “weh,” as in rhymes with “meh.”

                1. You mean it doesn’t rhyme with *’eh’*.

              3. As Nikki said.

                My mother was a French speaker and whenever we traveled to Canada and listened to French Canadian radio it drove her nuts.

                “It’s ‘wee’ damnit, not ‘weh'”

            2. Leave it to the French to make the informal spelling of a word *longer* than the formal spelling.

              1. I thought that too for a second and then i realized we do it too.

                Formal: Yes
                Informal: Yeah

  2. “If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I’ll go oot of my mind.”

        1. Thanks for the list of my future fantasy hockey team names.

          1. The “Sloppy Dog Sled” and “Two-handed Zamboni” sound very real to me.

        2. The links are gold

    1. I was wondering if they can edit in some sex scenes to “Ice Road Truckers”.

      “I’ve got to haul these hookers all the way to the diamond mine at Ninavuk. Them boys ain’t had nothing but bears and each other for six months.”

      1. bears and each other

        redundant ?

        1. Very likely.

          Also, I would watch that.

          1. You know Jesse – real miners don’t look like this.

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsVcUzP_O_8

      2. “Ice Road Fuckers”

    2. Many years ago, when traveling in Jamaica, I had a brief fling with a gal from Halifax, Nova Scotia. After sampling some of the exceptionally potent local vegetation a few days later, my buddy and I were chatting about her and I had the paranoid realization that in the heat of the moment I really hadn’t confirmed with her regarding birth control. This led to a bad night in a bar that had all walls covered with mirrors, so you couldn’t avoid seeing yourself without staring straight down (with all the paranoia that can bring) and my friend ruthlessly taunting me about my future was now set:

      His likely future for me: The gal was pregnant, and wanted to keep the baby; I’d do the ‘right thing’ and marry her, and move to Halifax, where it was always foggy and cold and I’d never be able to take off my pea coat, until I died young and my ashes were spread at sea by my neighbor’s fishing trawler.

      I think he really enjoyed pounding this on me, the sadist.

      1. And so even now I can’t enjoy SugarFree’s Nova Scotia sex joke. It still brings up paranoid memories of the one night I feared my entire life was doomed to Halifax.

      2. You had a brief fling with Anne Murray?

        1. Just for the X-Y-Zed of it.

  3. As someone who lived through several years of Canadian content laws, I find this hilarious.

    As someone who knows they make shit tons of porn in Montreal, I find this confusing.

    1. You’ve almost got to try to find a bar in Montreal that isn’t actually a strip club (with “full contact” lap dances, of course).

      1. NTTAWWT

        1. I once planned out a pub golf course in Montreal for my cousin’s bachelor party. The 18 stop course had 3 strip clubs, and it had taken effort to keep it that low. (Sadly he backed out shortly before and we just had the party at his house, though at least I still got to do the scouting trip)

          1. I am going to Montreal in 3 weeks with a bunch of bro-dudes. Suggestions please.

            1. Just ask for Saint Catherine Street. You won’t get to the second syllable of Catherine before they point you in the right direction. SPOILER a lot of the streetwalkers are actually dudes.

              1. The first time my friends and I went up as freshmen, we asked a guy for directions to a liquor store, planning to drink a little before leaving the hotel. It went like this:

                My friend: “Excuse me sir, we need to buy some…things.”

                Old French-Canadian guy with ridiculous accent: “You mean like beer and wine?”

                My friend: “…uh… yes?”

                Old French-Canadian guy with ridiculous accent: “Ohh, there are so many! [Directions to closest place here]”

            2. I don’t seem to have the final version, but here’s an older draft I still have.

              When I go for the weekend I pretty much always go to a 3 Brasseurs for one meal, and I also really like Frappe on Se. Laurent (it’s a “cafe-bar”, but I’ve never seen anything cafe like about it, so that’s probably just during the day).

              1. I though you were supposed to be rewarded instead of penalized for puking.

                1. For not holding your liquor? Never!

              2. Auric, if you want to know yet another reason why I’m the worst, get thee to Bar des Pins next time you go (Parc and Pins). I had the most absurd and sloppy first date EVER there (with the guy I’m still with).

                1. That looks like the exact kind of bar I would like. It’s also a bit further west than we usually went out, though I must have walked right past it one time when we stayed at a crappy hotel on Parc and Mont-Royal. Unfortunately it will probably be a while before I visit again, as the bulk of the excitement wore off when we all turned 21.

                  Also, I thought you were in Chicago?

                  1. I am, but I used to live in Montreal.

                    I used to live exactly two blocks from Bar des Pins and I have had to be carried home from it. SCORE!

                    1. I’m confused how this is supposed to make you the worse. Were you being carried home because you were too tired to drink and just fell asleep?

                    2. Well I wasn’t carried home from the date.

                      It’s just the trashiest bar ever, with the cheapest beer ever, and I should probably be ashamed of the whole thing.

                      Protip: probably do not drink $2 pitchers of Molson on a first date. Or…ever.

                    3. Okay, noooow I see how this is you being the worst. Because you’re going to give awful advice like “don’t drink $2 pitchers”.

            3. Hey!

              I’m from montreal. Check out teasers, club super sexe or Cabaret les amazones which is a bit more west than the downtown core. St Catherine is good, St Laurent, Crescent and if your pub orientated maybe Mcgibbins around concordia uni. Have good time. Oh and if you need to score some blow…I think there might be some at club mercedes (though that might be closed-havent been there in years)

              1. Appreciate the info. I was born in Montreal, but moved as a kid in ’73 when the PQ took over. Still have some family there, though most have moved on.

                We’re going to Schwartz, Moishe’s, Snowden Deli and an exhibition baseball game at the Big O, so I expect to be enormous by the time I get back.

              2. All this talk about strip clubs and bars, but none about the important stuff.

                The fuck is wrong with you people?

      2. (with “full contact” lap dances, of course).

        Why is the U.S. better than Canada again?

        1. The Canadian chicks are simply trying to keep warm.

  4. So more Nikki Benz, Tiffany Towers, and Sakura Sena?

    I’m down with that.

    1. Is Nikki Benz still around?

        1. I’m not gonna lie. She really doesn’t do it for me.

  5. But are the girls required to orgasm in both English and French?

    1. Yes, and the French version has to be a certain % louder.

      1. And since the French refer to an orgasm as la petite mort, every porno in French is a snuff film.

        1. This is why I value your posts, you’re such a sophisticate.

          1. I like to think that I blend the best of high and low culture into a shambling nightmare.

            1. You have the shambling nightmare part right. the “best”? I’m not convinced of that.

        2. Warty’s orgasms are referred to as le grand mort.

          1. And are measured in gigatons.

  6. They missed the target by 8 mins or so, common complaint…

    Love our CRTC [FCC of sorts]. Quebec makes some awesome porno

  7. Rufus(es), get on this.

  8. “The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission says AOV XXX Action Clips and AOV Maleflixxx may not be airing enough Canadian content or closed captioning.”

    Canada, the country you couldn’t make up.

    1. +1

  9. OT: Free stuff full steam ahead:

    ‘Historic moment’: Hundreds pack minimum-wage hearing
    Minimum-wage workers and their advocates packed the first public meeting on the idea of raising Seattle’s minimum wage to $15 an hour.

    http://seattletimes.com/html/l…..ngxml.html

    1. Anyone speaking sanity?

      1. It’s Seattle. I’ll let you infer your answer from that.

      2. No, because those people all had jobs and responsibilities to show up for.

        1. You beat me to it. I was going to post something to the effect of…

          “No, the people who oppose the $15 minimum wage are busy trying to make payroll at $9 an hour”

    2. I think this is wonderful. It gives us a laboratory to see who is correct. Will it become the People’s Paradise or will wreckers, hoarders, and Kulaks again sabotage prosperity?

      1. Isn’t California the laboratory where we get got to see who’s correct? Hasn’t slowed them down one iota.

      2. It would result in a ring of fast food and other low wage industries located just outside the Seattle city limits.

        1. I’m betting on the return of automats and fully robotic Starbucks.

    3. Is it possible for Starbucks coffee to get ever more expensive?

      1. Rising prices = good economy.

  10. My understanding is that Bob and Doug McKenzie exist precisely because of this law. The story goes that SCTV got word from on high that they were not meeting their quota for identifiably Canadian content.

    Being wise-asses, Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas decided to solve this problem by creating a pair of the most stereotypical beer drinking Canadian guys they could come up with as mockery of the rule.

    1. Whoever it is we can thank for Bob and Doug…I thank them. Now about the Trailer Park Boys…

      1. “That’s a nice fuckin’ kitty!”

    2. SCTV also discovered Martin Short, John Candy, Eugene Levy, and Bobby Bittman.

      1. and his brother Skip Bittman

    3. I used to watch The Red Green Show when there wasn’t anything good on the 4 American OTA channels we got. The stereotypes were why I liked it.

  11. The X-rated specialty channels are supposed to air 35 per cent Canadian programming over the broadcast year

    So they’re demanding more gay porn.

    *ducks*

  12. Speaking of porn-producing countries, it appears that the Crimea has been annexed by Russia:

    The de facto authorities in Crimea have announced that they consider the territory to be part of Russia after a swift vote in the local parliament. The MPs said on Thursday morning that a referendum planned for 30 March ? which was due to ask voters if they wanted more autonomy from Kiev ? would now take place on 16 March, ask whether they wanted to join Russia, and only be a ratification of a decision that had already been taken.

    the decision, which also gave the go-ahead to the territory to begin preparations to join Russia, “comes into effect from the current moment”. The referendum would be held “only to confirm” the decision.

    Would anyone from Reason’s local Russia agitprop wing like to defend this action?

    1. By Jove, we must liberate the Crimea! Send in some troops!

      1. Forward the Lightworker Brigade!

    2. More enlightened policy from that bastion of human rights deserving of all the support libertarians can give it:

      Ukraine has a number of military bases in Crimea that have come under siege from armed local volunteers and the Russian army in recent days[…] Ukrainian soldiers in the bases have come under pressure to defect to Russian or Crimean forces, but have mainly not done so[…]

      Outside the parliament building in Simferopol, a group of about 100 people waved Russian flags and chanted as the Russian national anthem was played, as well as a new “Crimean anthem” that begins: “The island of Crimea is fighting for freedom” and continues with scornful words about “fascist bands” in Kiev and their western backers.

      The proceedings were interrupted by two topless demonstrators from the protest group Femen, who charged the stage with “Stop Putin’s War” written on their torsos. They were beaten and screamed at by a crowd of elderly women before being dragged off by Cossack irregulars and taken away in a police van.

      1. At least the Femen demonstrators have balls. They’re not just picking on priests and bishops.

        1. Plus, they like to go topless. Ukrainian women. Topless.

          I’ll be in my bunk ?????.

          1. How come I cannot type in Russian? It’s discrimination, straight up!

      2. Besides a couple people here (the only ones that come to mind are DJF and On The Road To Mandalay) who has defended Russia? Or are you referring to the LRC crowd?

        1. DJF and Mandalay are ones who immediately came to mind, but there are others. In the last thread alone, Juice for claims that the “vast majority” of Ukrainians are Russophones as apparent justification for Russia’s actions, repeated claims that Ukraine is a “natural” or “historical” part of Russia (only true in the same sense that, say, Finland is), and a continuation of Jon Lester’s pro-Russia nonsense. Elsewhere there have been claims that the Ukrainian Euromaiden movement is exclusively or mostly fascist, and false equivalency between Russia and the US meant (I suppose) to temper criticism.

          I do think it is mostly flotsam from LRC (which is unfortunately the largest internet libertarian site, making such influences unavoidable).

          1. Fair points. Although I’m not sure if Juice was just being pedantic or actually defending Russia.

          2. I can understand not wanting to have the US get involved militarily in this conflict. But it’s a bizarre form of Libertarianism that supports Russian annexing the Crimea.

            1. If Crimeans vote for it, and it’s legit (that’s why you need international monitors), what’s wrong with this position? If Crimeans vote against, and Russians still occupy them, then yes, it would be bad, and contrary to principles of self determination.

              1. If Crimeans vote for it, and it’s legit

                It’s not legit. The Crimean authorities have already declared their intent to disregard the outcome of the election and reaffirm that its results will not be binding; they have also re-purposed an election to be held 10 days from today regarding an issue of autonomy, to be about something completely different without giving the opposition time to organize, make their case, etc and in a context where they are occupied by troops from a nation with a vested interest in the outcome.

                If you really believe in self-determination, rule of law, and the autonomy of Crimea, you should be howling like a direwolf at what has already transpired — not hoping for some UN fig leaf to put a patina of legitimacy over it.

                1. I could make a similar charge though. Ukrainian authortities and EU/US, by immediately declaring the referendum illegitimate, undermined the ability of the Crimeans to make decisions about their destiny.

                  If i were a US/EU/Ukrainian authority, i’d recognize the results of the referendum as legit, but in exchange, i’d demand Russian troop withdrawal, and independent monitoring of the process. It’s not like you’d have anything to lose if Russians refused, and if they accepted, you’d actually get real Crimean input on the issue.

          3. Not mostly fascist, but their defense minister is. Several others in government as well.

            As far as Crimea goes, if they don’t let international monitors in, and actually obey the vote, it’ll be bad. Otherwise, as far as occupation goes, it seems pretty peaceful, crazy old women notwithstanding. They should pull back though, let Crimeans make up their minds.

            1. Dude, you have “crazy old women” getting beaten and dragged off in police vans. I don’t like Amanda Marcotte very much, but if she went to some Code Pink rally or whatever and got beat prior to being dragged off by military personnel and shoved into a police van, I’d have a problem with that.

              As for the referendum, it has been declared that the vote will have no bearing on the decision to join Russia, which has already been made by Crimea’s local legislature. “If they don’t obey the vote”? They’ve already declared their intention of not obeying the vote, something which will no doubt depress the turnout that there would have been even if the election is otherwise free of interference. The entire process has been lawless; don’t insult us by suggesting that it is correctable by throwing a couple of UN election monitors at the problem.

              It really says something when the supposedly fascist movement is the one avoiding such heavy-handed tactics. (BTW, defense minister =/= Euromaiden movement and Ukrainian Jews can be found on both sides of this conflict.)

  13. “Yukon do me when ya wanna do me”

    “I wanna but don’t think I Ottawa”

    “I can measure the depth of the snow”

    1. “Baby it’s cold outside”

      “Come on, honey, there’s nothing else to do in Canada”

      “Sergeant Pressed-On is at the window again”

      1. “It’s the only way to keep warm”

        “Hey baby, I can make your temperature rise above freezing”

        “Did I mention that Canada has a lot of snow and ice?”

        1. “Melt my snowballs”

          “The sight of your fur hood excites me”

          “Did I mention that it’s cold in Canada?”

    2. Saskatchewon a cock

  14. One day God saw this Indian rowing his canoe down the river, singing his Indian song “Hum a way a hum a way a…” and thought he’d play a joke, so he reached down and plucked out half of the Indian’s brain. The Indian shook his head a bit, then continued rowing to his “Hum a way a hum a way a…” tune.

    Next God reached down and plucked out the other half. The Indian shook his head again, then continued rowing, singing “Alouette, gentille Alouette, Alouette je te plumerai.”

    1. Thank you so much for putting that song back in my head.

      1. Back?

        1. I think I had a teacher who had us sing it.

  15. OT: There is a link to some dumb buzzfeed article that was shared by a bunch of people on my facebook feed (I only retain facebook for the purposes of tindering easy lays). The article is “18 Things Creative People Do Differently”. The irony of this article being so popular and shared by so many people seems to be lost on all of them. If it weren’t for H&R, I’d probably be a solipsist by now because I am thoroughly convinced that I am the only person I know personally who has any self-awareness.

    1. I’ve seen that more than a few times this week.

      Change “creative” to “30 and need a reason to justify living with parents”, and it makes perfect sense.

  16. “This, in a country whose national animal is the beaver and whose national police are called Mounties.”

    Gillespie’s hit a homer with that one.

  17. I once watched a French-captioned porno. It was tremendously educational. “Baise mon petit cul!”

    1. Sasquatch action must count as Canadian content. You could be cashing in.

  18. It seems to me with Canada’s relatively small population that they should be less concerned about whether actual Canadians are starring in porn films but whether the actors are acting like Canadians in porn films.

    1. Think we can get the Canadian government to sponsor some space porn if we use a few Canadian chicks?

      1. Or “Canadian” chicks. They could issue special porn visas if they want a little more authenticity.

        1. Or what if we just film in only Canadian, uh, space-space.

          1. Sure, the orbit could intersect Canadian airspace, and the whole thing would be shot in both French and Canadian English, by people who are Canadian or who, at a minimum, enjoy hockey.

            1. “Okay guys, we only have 2 minutes and 37 seconds to film this take in Canada. Hold…. hooooold… ACTION!”

              1. What does Canadian porn music sound like? Rush? “O Canada” over and over again? “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?”

    2. Wouldn’t this make Canada the most heavily pornographized country in the world? I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t support that.

      1. Recall that my plan does not require actual Canadians only “Canadians.”

        1. Amusingly, that’s the exact opposite of how CanCon laws work. Will & Grace counted because the actor who plays Will is Canadian, e.g.

          1. Canada needs to broaden its horizons. For instance, they should count people from Minnesota as Canadians.

            1. Why don’t they just have William Shatner do a voiceover intro to every show produced and solve the problem in one move?

              The shit is chess, Canadians! Not checkers!

              1. This. . .is CPN [Canadian Porn Network].

          2. How much Canadianness is required to be Canadian for this law? Do Candroons count?

            1. Well, I figure anyone who likes hockey or poutine is right in, as are residents of places like Canada, such as Wisconsin.

              1. It sounds like I should count then. Now we only need to find the female talent.

                1. Demonocles does sound a little French to me. Let’s change it to D’Monocl?s for the credits.

                  1. My actual middle name is French, so we might be able to use that too. “Lucien D’Monocl?s” would work quite well for a fake Canadian porn name.

                    1. It’s perfect. And you should wear a monocle that shoots out red laser light in the shape of a maple leaf.

                    2. And when I finish I’ll yell “Ooooooooh, Canada!”

                    3. It’ll be like a tagline. Like “Kid Dynamite!”

                    4. It’s all Greek to me.

  19. Easy: sprinkle the voice-over liberally with “eh?”

    1. “hoser”

  20. Now people will be left wondering if “I fart in your general direction” spoken with a French accent is from a Canuck flatulence fetish porn movie or from Monty Python.

  21. I wanted to write a song, but couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with “hockey puck.”

    1. “Eddie’s a dumb fuck.”

      1. Get back to your rape dungeon.

  22. Get on all fours and think of Canada.

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