Zero Tolerance

Kid Suspended for Pop-Tart Pistol Is Given Lifetime NRA Membership

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pop-tart
Original art by KMW

Remember Josh Welch, the kid who nibbled his breakfast into the shape of a gun and got suspended for two days from his elementary school in March?

In addition to his suspension, the school sent a letter to local parents offering counseling for any kid "troubled" by the traumatic incident. 

On Wednesday, Josh got a surprise from a local Republican group, which sprung for a lifetime National Rifle Association membership for the beleaguered boy. 

The Baltimore Sun reports

Josh, who was 7 at time he was suspended for two days, gave the NRA certificate to his parents at the Glen Burnie event and returned to playing games on a cellphone.

"Everyone keeps asking me why I did it," Josh said. "I don't know why I did it. … I wish people would stop asking me about it. It'll probably go on for 45 years or something."

But the reluctant hero has another freebie coming

Anne Arundel County Councilman Jamie Benoit announced he will fund another membership for Welch: the American Civil Liberties Union. Benoit says he wants the boy to have a chance at another point of view.

What Josh's parents would really like is for his suspension to be removed from his school record.

But it's obvious that what the kid really needs is a lifetime supply of Pop-Tarts. Are you listening Kellogg?

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  1. “I don’t know why I did it. … I wish people would stop asking me about it. It’ll probably go on for 45 years or something.”

    Aww, what a kid!

    I can’t decide whether to be more annoyed at the councilman who thought “another point of view” should come from an organization dedicated to civil liberties, or at the organization dedicated to civil liberties that itself has pretty much decided gun ownership isn’t one such.

    1. Eh. I’m not gonna fault the ACLU for the sin of omission. They do a lot of good. I’ll get riled up when they start actively working against gun rights.

      1. Eh, I worked for them as a canvasser for a while one summer when I just needed a job for a little bit (PRO-TIP: It is one of the worst fucking jobs ever conceived of). Anyway, I pressed them on it a bit, how it was inconsistent to support all the Bill of Rights but the 2nd, and they were super douche-y about it. All, “Well, then, why don’t you work for the NRA?!”

        1. Did you respond with “Why dont you change your name to the American Civil Liberties that arent icky Union?”

    2. I had the exact same thought reading the article. Weird.

    3. Heh…45…heh….

  2. Memberships in the NRA and ACLU are both good.

    1. Whenever a liberal starts ranting about the NRA, I take great pleasure in showing him my membership card.

      1. I smell a story somewhere in there.

  3. the school sent a letter to local parents offering counseling for any kid “troubled” by the traumatic incident.

    Anybody know if any parents took ’em up on the offer?

    I’m sure some kids were “troubled” by the adults’ absurd reactions to the Pop-Tart pistol.

  4. Original art by KMW

    Neeeedz moar dropshadow!!!!!

    1. It took 15 tries to get it right!

      Significant art requires dedication and perserverance as well as a willingness to start over.

      1. A few weeks ago I went to my local at museum to see some exhibit everyone said was so great. Basically all of the paintings were solid white, with little bits of color peeking through. This was the end result of the artist painting pretty decent scenes, putting them away, coming back later and touching them up. This was apparently repeated until there was nothing left.

    2. A true artiste would have done an original mastication.

  5. Josh, who was 7 at time he was suspended for two days, gave the NRA certificate to his parents at the Glen Burnie event and returned to playing games on a cellphone.

    Why are parents buying their 7 year old’s cellphones?

    1. To track them with

    2. a cellphone, not his cellphone. This jumping to conclusions shows you are actually a crypto-rethuglican.

  6. What Josh’s parents would really like is for his suspension to be removed from his school record.

    As opposed to having the NRA and ACLU memberships added to his record?

  7. I bet the kid would have preferred a lifetime supply of Pop Tarts.

  8. Every victim of the gun grabbers’ hysterics should be hooked up with free firearms. It would be fun to watch them go crazy that their actions generate the opposite effect of what they wanted.

    1. “Get that thing away from me or I’ll ….”

      “Yes, please go on.”

    2. I was thinking, after the Koch brothers destroy the LA Times they could start a nationwide GMO only buffet chain and fund Fist’s idea.

  9. lifetime subscription to reason? no kid, TNSTAAFL.

  10. “Everyone keeps asking me why I did it,” Josh said. “I don’t know why I did it. … I wish people would stop asking me about it. It’ll probably go on for 45 years or something.”

    The stupidity of our modern society knows no bounds.

    And adult is asking a kid why he nibbled his pastry into a gun-shaped object. They’re actually trying to plumb this mystery.

    1. They won’t let up until they get to the truth that the NRA mind-controlled him to do it.

      1. Now he’s got a lifetime indoctrination membership!

    2. Yeah, a seven year old probably can’t tell us why he did something. But that kind of “I don’t know why I did it/what I was thinking” permeates our culture.
      TV shows have characters saying that all the time. Doesn’t anyone have the guts to say, “I thought I could get away with it?” or “My future happiness meant nothing when weighed against the momentary pleasure of diddling the choir boy” or “I thought it appropriate to kill that guy because he glanced at
      my girlfriend even though I now realize I’ll probably have no girlfriends in prison.”

  11. A little boy makes a gun shape and various experts are super concerned that he’s some sort of latent murderer. I hate to ask this question because I’m pretty sure I know the answer, but I’ll ask anyway. When a little girl plays with dolls, are the Jezebel types super concerned that she’s perpetuating rape culture?

    1. Yes. Dolls can only be used as rape training tools.

    2. I discovered I was heterosexual by playing with Barbies (Ken was always in on the hot non-anatomically-correct sexy times), so the Jezzies will probably say I’m a victim of the patriarchy and male gaze and mansplaining and rape culture. Otherwise, I’d be a big ol’ lezbean.

      1. My sister was given a ‘Sandy’ doll – or was it ‘Cindy?” I forget – when she was 12 or so. She cut the hair out and drew swastikas all over the head. She was a little like the girl in ‘Breakfast Club.’ Not Molly. The other one. Ally was it?

        I’m not sure my mother ever fully recovered.

    3. Duh, only men can perpetuate rape culture.

    4. Everyone should read Why Beautiful People Have More Daughters. I just started it yesterday and so far it’s amazing. Completely dismantles the dominant social science perspective through evolutionary psychology.

  12. Well this story settles it. Once the Koch brothers buy the LA Times and whip it into shape, they should buy all the schools on the continent.

    Wouldn’t that be the ultimate?

    I’d invite you all to my house and watch the reaction on big screen.

  13. Why do the parents care if his suspension stays on his elementary school record? Nothing that happens before HS matters.

    1. But he won’t get into Harvard! His life is ruined! Ruined!

    2. Today’s ignored admonition or detention may not be expunged from one’s “record” in our future nanny society. Databases (and access) will only grow. Better safe than sorry.

  14. Anne Arundel County Councilman Jamie Benoit announced he will fund another membership for Welch: the American Civil Liberties Union. Benoit says he wants the boy to have a chance at another point of view.

    And in a rush of “me-too-ism”, Josh has also received lifetime memberships to NAMBLA, the KKK, made an official “guide” in the National Raelian movement, and made vice-chairman of the International Bee-Keepers society.

  15. Anne Arundel County Councilman Jamie Benoit announced he will fund another membership for Welch: the American Civil Liberties Union. Benoit says he wants the boy to have a chance at another point of view.

    And in a rush of “me-too-ism”, Josh has also received lifetime memberships to NAMBLA, the KKK, made an official “guide” in the National Raelian movement, and made vice-chairman of the International Bee-Keepers society.

    1. But I repeat myself.

  16. Here’s the thing. The NRA probably supports more Amendments of the Bill of Rights than does the ACLU. And that is truly sad, because most of us WANT to support the ACLU — if only they did what they claim.

    I may be overstating the case. Perhaps the NRA doesn’t OPPOSE as many Amendments of the Bill of Rights as does the ACLU. If the NRA opposes any of those hallowed Amendments, they certainly are not active in opposition. Not so with the ACLU.

    BYW, don’t go to the ACLU for help with civil rights and due process abuses involving tax issues. They won’t help.

  17. What they should have done was shot that little boy in the face. That’ll teach ‘im.

  18. Good thing he didn’t bite it into the shape of a mushroom cloud or he would have been hauled off to the Hague.

  19. i hate myself and want to die

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