Public Health

New York Times Accidentally Admits That Energy Drinks Are Safer Than Coffee

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Continuing his crusade against energy drinks on the front page of today's New York Times, business reporter Barry Meier notes that the special ingredients in products like Red Bull, Monster Energy, and 5 Hour Energy don't seem to do much of anything. Based on "interviews with researchers and a review of scientific studies," he says, the energy delivered by these drinks comes mainly from the caffeine, as opposed to the taurine, B vitamins, or other scientific-sounding additives:

"If you had a cup of coffee you are going to affect metabolism in the same way," said Dr. Robert W. Pettitt, an associate professor at Minnesota State University in Mankato, who has studied the drinks.

Energy drink companies have promoted their products not as caffeine-fueled concoctions but as specially engineered blends that provide something more. For example, producers claim that "Red Bull gives you wings," that Rockstar Energy is "scientifically formulated" and Monster Energy is a "killer energy brew."… 

Promoting a message beyond caffeine has enabled the beverage makers to charge premium prices. A 16-ounce energy drink that sells for $2.99 a can contains about the same amount of caffeine as a tablet of NoDoz that costs 30 cents. Even Starbucks coffee is cheap by comparison; a 12-ounce cup that costs $1.85 has even more caffeine.

There is nothing wrong with pointing out that Red Bull does not really give you wings, or that the added value offered by energy drinks, as compared to other caffeine delivery devices, is speculative at best. But in the process of doing that, Meier contradicts the other, scarier prong of his attack on energy drinks, which is based on the claim that the caffeine they contain might kill you.

As Meier explains, "The drinks are now under scrutiny by the Food and Drug Administration after reports of deaths and serious injuries that may be linked to their high caffeine levels." He is referring to adverse event reports received by the Food and Drug Administration, which show only that someone experienced a symptom (or said they did) after consuming a product, not that the latter caused the former. Furthermore, the number of reports involving energy drinks is quite small compared to reports involving other widely consumed over-the-counter products. The "scrutiny" Meier mentions was prompted largely by his own alarmist coverage of the issue, which glossed over the fact that coffee contains more caffeine per ounce than energy drinks do.

But that was when Meier was trying to convince you that energy drinks are uniquely dangerous because they contain so much caffeine. Now that he is trying to show you what a waste of money these products are, he emphasizes that 12 ounces of Starbucks coffee delivers a bigger caffeine dose than 16 ounces of an energy drink. In other words, energy drinks are (as the No Doz slogan puts it) "safe as coffee." Safer, even. Will Meier remember that the next time he is trying to scare us about the deadly threat lurking inside those shiny cans? 

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  1. I’m willing to pay a premium for Red Bull, as it goes with vodka much better than coffee.

    1. Just remember, Tony, when your cherished nannies in government ban Red Bull, for your own good, you had better comply.

      1. The nannies I have to worry about are more the ones trying to shove Christianity down my throat than the ones trying to forbid me from doing the same with Red Bull. Yes, banning Red Bull would be a stupid law I’d have a big problem with.

        1. “The nannies I have to worry about are more the ones trying to shove Christianity down my throat than the ones trying to forbid me from doing the same with Red Bull or a penis.”

          NTTAWWT

          1. or a penis.

            Much to Antonin Scalia’s horror.

        2. Christianity has historically had a problem with coffee. Not so much recently, but you still see remaining vestiges, especially in Mormonism.

          1. You mean the Mormons that will go to the checkout at Walmart with seventeen 2 Liters of Diet Coke?

            1. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/…..48098.html

              Diet Coke is okay. Tea and Coffee are still prohibited.

            2. It’s the caffeine.

          2. “This Satan’s drink is delicious…it would be a pity to let the infidels have exclusive use of it. We shall fool Satan by baptizing it.” Clement VIII

        3. How do they do this? I’m just perplexed how any one can feel threatented from Christianity. Back in the day, it wasn’t uncommon to see Jehovah Witnesess at your front door. Now I can’t remember the last time I was accosted by one. I mean do Christians show up at your door and demand you repent your sins or attend church, for instance?

          1. They try to get ancient fairy tales inserted into biology classes, force public school students to listen to sectarian prayers, restrict the building of mosques and otherwise antagonize Muslims, and get a tax break for the social service of perpetuating dangerous bullshit to stupid people.

            1. Yes in some catholic schools they might make mention of Creationism when discussing darwin. Dangerous stuff. So you believe in repression of religion, but just when it involves christianity.

              1. You are a dumb-fuck.
                If calling your “shit” stinky is considered repression then repress away

                1. Asshole, you people make it to be that Chritianity is some sort of threat in any form, and want any trace of it eliminated from the public sphere. Yeah thats repression, and Im telling you that as an atheist you moron. I honestly thought this site was for Libertarians not fucking panty waist liberals who have nothing better to do but bitch and moan about how right wing fundamentalists have it in for them.

                  1. I honestly thought this site was for Libertarians not fucking panty waist liberals who have nothing better to do but bitch and moan about how right wing fundamentalists have it in for them.

                    You may be new here (I can’t remember seeing you screen name before), so let me fill you in: T o n y is a progresso-tard sockpuppet troll. FYI.

                    1. Loki is correct. I don’t know BlogimiDei, that’s the first post of his/hers I’ve seen. But I agree with you, aside from creationism legislation, I don’t see much of this Christian Threat that T i n y’s so scared of. And not even all Christians are creationists, so I’m not exactly worried about Christianity or Christians.

                    2. T o n y:
                      They try to get ancient fairy tales inserted into biology classes, force public school students to listen to sectarian prayers, restrict the building of mosques and otherwise antagonize Muslims, and get a tax break for the social service of perpetuating dangerous bullshit to stupid people.

                      Sounds like AGW acolytes:
                      They try to get ancient fairy tales inserted into biology classes, force public school students to listen to sectarian prayers, restrict the building of pipelines and otherwise antagonize oil companies, and get a tax break for the social service of perpetuating dangerous bullshit to stupid people.

                    3. Climate change science is ancient?

                    4. The CAGW cult is a pretty standard Millenarian Cult inspired by Malthusian superstitions, so yes.

                      The thing about Millenerian cults is that when the world fails to end according to a particular cult’s predictions, they generally (but not always eg Seventh Day Adventists) dissipate. But the psychological needs and drives that open people’s hearts to the notions that Millenarian cults peddle remain part of the human psyche.

                      Thus the cults change, the mechanisms of doom they fear change, but the patterns of behavior engaged by the cults follow pretty well-worn trajectories.

                      The CAGW cult is now approaching the phase where the recalculated dooms are failing to occur. The prophet can only discover a mistake in his calculations so many times before he loses all credibility.

                    5. But if you were scantly aware of the real evidence you’d know that not only are the “dooms” occurring but at the more accelerated end of predictions. You can’t take skepticism about doomsday cults and turn that into a nonsense worldview that massive environmental catastrophe is always impossible, especially when the science isn’t confirming what you believe.

                    6. But if you were scantly aware of the real evidence you’d know that not only are the “dooms” occurring but at the more accelerated end of predictions.

                      Really Spaces? Which predicted “dooms” of the AGW crowd are actually happening?

                      You can’t take skepticism about doomsday cults and turn that into a nonsense worldview that massive environmental catastrophe is always impossible, especially when the science isn’t confirming what you believe.

                      No, massive environmental change isn’t impossible, most of us just don’t buy A. that it’s happening now (because it rather conspicuously isn’t) or, B. that the canned prepared solutions will have any “positive” impact.

                      Most of us also have a problem with the climate cultist because they fatuously insist that there is some optimal climate.

                  2. I do see in public (every street corner) some kind of christian facility.
                    It has always been in the public sphere.
                    Just keep your fairy-fuck-belief away from education.

                    “Vacation Bible School”
                    All three words that SHOULD NEVER belong together.

          2. I had a JW family that used to come around every couple of months. They were nice people and totally got that I wasn’t buying. I haven’t seen them in a while. Like over a year. But I stopped being home on weekends for a couple years there, so maybe they gave up.

            1. I live in a secure high-rise so I don’t get the pleasure of the company of roving proselytizers. I’ve always wanted to invite them in and see if I can’t convert them.

              1. How cute. They let you call the ward a “high-rise.”

            2. That’s like one of the most boring anecdotes ever. Thanks, Brett. ;-P

              1. It involves Jehovah’s Witnesses. I mean, its not like we can drink and swear together.

                1. Two Jehovah’s Witnesses walk into a bar and ask for a prostitute…

            3. I was ‘accosted’ by some JWs who were obviously newly arrived in Czechia and nervous as hell, but give them credit, they knew the language.

              When they found out I was American they were relieved and asked me all sorts of questions about what it’s like to be an expat, etc. The only proselytizing they ended up doing was perfunctorily giving me a card with their website on it. It didn’t hurt that they were pretty cute.

            4. My wife has a great JW story.

              One time a couple Jehovahs came up her driveway and she directed them to her father who was in the process of butchering a pig. Blood up to his elbows. Entrails on the ground.

              They never came back.

              1. My uncle used to have a dummy hand grenade. He once pulled the pin and handed it to one of them saying “Here, hold this”, then shut the door. He re-opened it a few seconds later and the grenade was laying on the stoop and the JW was nowhere to be seen.

              2. Two of my teenage kids answered the door when a couple of JWs came by. They offered the kids one of their magazines. The kids promptly took it, starting tearing off little pieces of each page and chewing them, saying “My precioussssss….” The JWs haven’t been back since, and I thought we were all going to wet ourselves when they told me about it.

          3. I’ve often been accosted by roaming packs of Christians, spared the horrible fate of salvation at the last second by the helping hand of an EPA enforcement agent.

            Oh wait, that’s not right. I just politely told them I wasn’t interested and closed my front door.*

            *Not on the EPA agent, of course. They would have had their armed escort walk them around my property looking for a six square foot puddle so they could cite me for violating the clean water act.

          4. I had some JW’s show up in the last year. Mormon’s show up regularly.

            Neither are Christian, IMO.

            1. I like Jehovah’s Witnesses… they mean more blood for me.

        4. The nannies I have to worry about are more the ones trying to shove Christianity down my throat than the ones trying to forbid me from doing the same with Red Bull. Yes, banning Red Bull would be a stupid law I’d have a big problem with.

          Getting permission from the government to love who you want to is shoving Christianity down your throat? T o n y, I’m surprised at you.

        5. Please enlighten us as to the last time a politician, citing their religion as the cause, shoved anything down the public’s throat through legislation oh wise and powerful sockpuppet.

          1. howbout unconditional support for Isreal?

            1. Is Israel Isreal? Really?

              1. Ooh, a split personality. Novel. Oh, and you’re spelling Israel wrong.

            2. Except that doesn’t have anything to do with Christianity itself. Nice false example, though. Israel’s a popular one from what I can tell.

              1. Ever hear of the “Old Testement”?

        6. The nannies I have to worry about are more the ones trying to shove Christianity down my throat than the ones trying to forbid me from doing the same with Red Bull. Yes, banning Red Bull would be a stupid law I’d have a big problem with.

          I’m a pretty fucking hardcore atheist, and I don’t find the IDiots nearly as threatening as the Nannies. See also: 16 oz sodas in New York, foie gras, Four Loko, king sized candy bars, GM salmon.

          Nannyism is growing. The ID movement and gay marriage opposition aren’t.

    2. Vodka and Red Bull? The Tsar Bomba!

    3. I’m willing to pay a premium for Red Bull, as it goes with vodka much better than coffee.

      Meh. I reckon stain remover goes better with vodka than kerosene (which doesn’t even mix) but that’s not a good reason to consume either.

      Green tea with ginger root goes well with vodka and can even be touted as “organic” (if someone cares about that). Most varieties of green tea don’t contain much caffeine though, so might need to replace it with black tea.

      1. Ketel One and Tea, Earl Grey, Hot.

        /hipster Picard

      2. Can add a clove or two as well. (More than two would kill most other flavors)

      3. I agree! Many teas go surprisingly well with vodka.

        But then, I have put vodka in coffee before in a moment of desperation. Before I discovered how tasty good vodka and water actually is.

      4. I have no use for vodka in anything other than a Bloody Mary.

        1. Except for a year or so when I couldn’t touch the stuff after a particularly bad Fourth of July episode, it’s my standard. I like whiskeys for the purpose of tasting but vodka for getting drunk. Easier on the head and stomach.

    4. I’m willing to pay a premium for Red Bull, as it goes with vodka much better than coffee.

      I never thought I’d ever say this…

      Tony, I agree with you.

      *checks arms, legs, other body parts*

      Still here, nothing exploded, world still turning… was worried.

    5. T o n y| 1.2.13 @ 12:45PM |#

      I’m willing to pay a premium for Red Bull

      Why does this not surprise me.

  2. Oh, so coffee is bad for us again? I thought it was good for us now, or was that before it was bad for us right after the other time that it was good for us?

    Fortunately for progressives and academics everywhere, if they want to prove something, anything, there is a study that they can cite that proves it.

    The energy drinks do suck. They might make a 6 year old go bouncing off the walls, but I mean, even a can of pepsi will do that. But for us older folks, meh, they don’t do shit for me.

    1. In college, some students were passing out donuts and energy drinks during finals week. Luckily it didn’t affect my grades, but I didn’t react well other than to sweat profusely and throw up for about a half hour.

      1. Probably the best legal pick-me-up that you can obtain is Kratom. At least it’s still legal in some states, last time I checked. Much better than caffeine, very smooth.

        1. It can cause problems with the liver, though, so be careful. Also, more than 6 grams will get you high.

        2. I love Kratom. Try not to talk about it too much, though, or it will get banned.

            1. So your comments made me think this was a stimulant, like a substitute for caffeine. The description from the article, though:

              The effect of the drug mimics that of opiates, ranging from sedation to pain reduction to intense euphoria. It also carries with it a host of opiate side effects, including nausea, dizziness, constipation, and in worst cases hallucinations and delusions.

              Is this drug-scare propaganda, did I misunderstand your comments, or somewhere in between? (I’m gonna guess somewhere in between, but far closer to caffeine than “mimicking opiates.”)

              1. Supposedly, in very high doses, Kratom mimicks opiates.

                I cannot confirm this, as I have never consumed anywhere near the crazy amounts that refers to.

                In normal doses, it’s like a mild stimulant, and sort of euphoric. It’s very mild and smooth. I love the stuff, as I have a lot of problems waking up early and focusing. Kratom really helps with that and I like the effect much better than caffeine, although it is comparable.

                A couple of times that I tried to take a little more than normal just to see what it would do, I got nauseous and had to lie down, same as coffee will do to me if I drink more than 2 cups.

                The other stuff about hallucinations, is IMHO, pure fucking bullshit propaganda. Obviously from someone who knows nothing about it.

                1. Kratom has seen therapeutic use in Thai ethnomedicine as an antidiarrhoeal, as a treatment for opioid dependence, and rarely to increase the duration of coitus

                  Expect a run on the stuff.

      2. Maybe the throwing up was from the donuts (and the picture of them encircling some frat boy’s dick)

    2. Hyperion| 1.2.13 @ 12:45PM |#

      Oh, so coffee is bad for us again? I thought it was good for us now, or was that before it was bad for us right after the other time that it was good for us?

      Its got like antioxidants and shit.

      Like almost everything else on the planet.

      I also think its a mild bronchial/capillary dilator? Whatevs

      From ze Wiki

      A May 2012 study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that coffee drinkers “who drank at least two or three cups a day were about 10 percent or 15 percent less likely to die for any reason during the 13 years of the study.”[2]

      “…for ANY reason”

      IT MAKES YOU !@&*# IMMUNE TO DEATH

  3. Two thoughts:

    1) Never have bought nor consumed an “energy” drink. I HAVE bought and consumed thousands of gallons of Mountain Dew in the past 35 years. At this point, I’m pretty immune to the caffeine (don’t get headaches when I don’t have it, either – weird).

    2) Duplicitous Fuck is Duplicitous – news at 11!

    1. What kind of a monster drinks Mountain Dew?

      1. erm. I’m guessing he likes Motocross and uses the word, “Rad” a lot.

        1. Mountain Dew is pretty popular with the IT and video gaming crowd, too.

          So, more likely he sits around saying “grok” and cursing “users” a lot.

  4. The occasional Red Bull is far easier on my stomach than the burnt dreck Starbucks calls coffee. Although, their iced tea is normally pretty good.

    1. Tea is better for me than coffee.

    2. the burnt dreck Starbucks calls coffee.

      I have always assumed it is so awful because they can then sell more of their expensive drinks.

      Dunkin’ Donuts is still the best regular cup of coffee, IMO.

      1. Some of Starbucks drip coffee is not too bad, but all the drinks are based off espresso, which Starbucks thinks is made with coffee reduced to carbon and then sprinkled with ass.

        1. Just order an Americano and shut up, NutraSweet.

          1. An Americano is the espresso thinned with hot water, genius.

            1. That was my point. I was telling you to shut up and take it. Now shut up and take it.

        2. SugarFree| 1.2.13 @ 1:08PM |#

          …espresso, which Starbucks thinks is made with coffee reduced to carbon and then sprinkled with ass

          (slow clap)

          Once again, your skills amaze

          I used to do all sorta work in the coffee biz (15yr consumer goods industry analyst) and if I recall correct, the peoples at Starbucks had done lots o’ consumer focus-group testing, and determined most Americans confused “burned espresso” flavor with ‘strong/fancy!’-quality. I mean, hell, if you’re gonna charge 2X what anyone else does for a @#*($&@ cup-o-joe, you better pretend its like *exclusive* or something.

          The people at Lavazza (large italian espresso company) once hired me to find out why the hell they weren’t selling more beans despite data showing Americans were consuming Cappucinos/Lattes/etc in record quantities. I saved them some time and trouble by just saying,

          “Look, 99% of americans don’t even know that @(*#$ espresso is used to make Cappucino, and even if they did, would consider the process of making the shit more complex than performing a cesarian section on themselves. most people who have even ever *seen* an espresso maker got it for Christmas or a Wedding present, and promptly re-gifted it to someone else, knowing they’d never use it.”

          They thought that shit was hilarious.

    3. So you’re saying we should ban coffee?

      1. We should ban everything, and just enforce it selectively. In other words, tyranny. It’s the progressive way.

      2. No, but T o n y made a good case for gated communities!

        1. If we can lock the gate from the outside, I’m all for it!

        2. No, but T o n y made a good case for gated communities!

          Can the gates be locked from the outside?

    4. Yes. Their espresso based drinks are tolerable, but they burn their drip coffee and pretend that burned is a complex flavor associated with good coffee. (Its not.)

      1. The pour-overs are not all that terrible. But the espresso-based stuff is only tolerable in so much as it has so much sugar and dairy in it that you cannot taste the coffee base.

        1. Am I the only one who drinks straight black coffee, no cream or sugar?

          1. No, you aren’t the only man here.

          2. From Starbucks? Why punish yourself? Being a home roaster, I love to make coffee that is delicious by itself. However, cream can be a nice treat.

    5. The main benefit of energy drinks is convenience. You don’t have to brew them, have ground coffee lying around, have a brewing device, heat any water, etc. You just…crack one open and voila, you have caffeine, immediately.

      Coffee and tea are a pain in the ass, especially for people (like students) who live in dorm rooms without kitchens.

      1. Pfft, electric kettle. Who boils water on a stovetop anyway? Takes fucking forever.

        1. Who boils water on a stovetop anyway?

          Have you no love for the art, woman?!?

        2. You apply heat to your coffee? Savage. Cold brew is where it’s at.

          1. I don’t make coffee. I don’t live around the corner from one of Chi’s best coffee shops for my health.

            1. Nicole, if you’re not talking about Buzz on Damen or Cafe Street on Division, you’re wrong.

              And if you are, “hi neighbor!”

              1. Hipster alert! Hipster alert!

                Hey, I said “one of.” My loves of Metropolis and not living on the West Side are undying.

                1. Hipster alert! Hipster alert!

                  Hey, I wasn’t the one commenting in the food truck thread.

                  1. Street food will always equal NYC hotdogs to me, not hipsters.

            2. I live across the street from a coffee shop/cafe that makes damn good coffee. Yet, somehow, it chaps my ass to pay $2.69 for a 12oz Americano when I can make my own coffee for a few cents. You’re part WOP, nicole, you’re not being cheap enough*!

              * My grandfather used to make coffee at his store, and everyone could have some, but he hated the thought of spending a ton on coffee, so he made it super weak, like coffee-flavored-water weak. So my uncle and I ended up getting cappuccinos and espressos in the afternoon anyway.

              1. I know, my grandmother would kill me, but I also hardly drink any coffee.

        3. My French press demands stovetop-boiled water, nicole. IT JUST DOES.

          1. If you’re boiling the water, yer doin’ it wrong.

            Boiled water doesn’t brew anything as well as water that is just short of boiling.

            I bet your using one o’ them fawncy new-fangled electrical stoves, aren’t you, nancy-boy?

            1. Boiled water doesn’t brew anything as well as water that is just short of boiling.

              No shit, I just didn’t feel like having to type stovetop-heated-to-just-under-boiling water. You’re a lawyer, sue me.

              I bet your using one o’ them fawncy new-fangled electrical stoves, aren’t you, nancy-boy?

              I rent, so unfortunately, I have to use what they provide, and unfortunately, it is electric. There are no apartments with gas stoves in my complex, and even if there were, I’m not giving up my deck with the views of both the Space Needle and Elliott Bay. You’re a lawyer, sue me.

              1. Gas stoves? Puh-lease.

                If you ain’t cooking on wood, it ain’t no good.

                1. Induction. Boils water in under a minute.

        4. I like my Bunn coffee machine. About as good as you can get for a home coffee maker.

          I have a couple of co-workers who swear by the French press, which I have never tried. But all of my coffee is Brazilian anyway and it’s ground so fine it wouldn’t work in the press from what I have heard.

          1. I like vacuum coffee makers. Not only are they really cool, but they also make very good coffee. A lot like french press, but without the gunk at the bottom of your cup and generally a bit less bitter.
            Unfortunately, the last one I had imploded because I didn’t clean the filter well enough.

            1. I’ve never had grounds in my coffee from my bun machine, and the coffee that I use is super fine. I am able to use less because of that though, since it extracts better than courser grinds.

              1. What is that, a drip machine? The gunk, I find, is mostly an issue with french press.

          2. In no particular order, R C Dean’s coffee recommendations

            (1) Use a Technivorm coffee maker. Far and away the best drip machine.

            (2) Grind your beans your own damn self, and don’t let them sit more than a few days after they’re ground.

            (3) Roast your own beans. You’ll be amazed at the difference it makes, and yuo can tie into some amazing nanolot hyper-premium beans that way, too.

            1. I think that the biggest thing is freshly roasted coffee. There is a huge difference in coffee that was roasted no more than a few days ago. Some day when I have a little more time and money I want to get a roaster.

            2. This is the best coffee maker EVER made! Cuisinart? Grind & Brew Thermal

              +

              Dunkin’ Donuts whole bean.

          3. I prefer a tablespoon of instant coffee chased by a 12oz can of mountain dew.

            1. Turn in your monocle!

      2. Or you can just get one of those Keurig machines, if you don’t care that the 5000 different blends available for them, all taste exactly like folgers instant coffee.

        But, at the risk of being redundant, I can tell anyone, Kratom is 1000x better than coffee. And those energy drinks suck ballz, dude.

        1. Keurig machines

          A neighboring office got one of those. Ever wondered what carbonized pecan shells taste like?

          1. Even the teas out of those machines suck ass. Fuck, even the hot chocolate sucks ass.

        2. Keurig is an abomination. Its for people who like caffeine, hate coffee, and avoid sugar.

          1. I’ve never tried Maeng Da, heard of it, but never tried it.

            1. It’s hilarious to read you two writing about “maeng da” as my wife eats actual “maeng da” (water bugs) from time to time. Classic N.E. Thai “soul food”. It’s not bad when crushed into the pepper sauce (nam prik), to tell the truth.

              If you’re hardcore, you eat it with sticky rice, some grilled rat, and moonshine rice whisky.

              1. Wait, didn’t Maeng Da play one of the doctors on “ER”?

              2. That stuff sounds insanely delicious compared to kratom, HM.

        3. Those Keurig machines have always sounded like a rip-off to me.

      3. Plus they’re cold. Not everyone likes a hot drink in the morning. Also, they don’t taste like coffee, which is nice.

      4. No the main advantage is TASTE.

        Love the smell of coffee but that shit is nasty, even if you load it down with so much sugar it has the consistancy of Molasses.

        That said I really do not care what the research shows, there really is something different in some energy drinks that works differently than caffene.

        Generally speaking I am immune to the effects of caffene unless I drink huge doses and then I just get heart palpatations. I also find that some varieties of energy drinks have no effect on me whatsoever (especially Red Bull which also tastes even worse than the coffee), however drinks with both Taurine and Guarana seem to have a decided impact on my ability/need to sleep (they keep me awake, whether that happens to be good or bad obviously depends on the timing)

        1. I think guarana is just another source of caffeine and theobromine.

        2. Love the smell of coffee but that shit is nasty

          ?!?

          You should see a neurologist or something about your broken taste buds, bro.

          1. Says the bug eater.

            1. Your clinging to cultural taboos have nothing to do with the slightly acrid and piquant taste of water bug.

      5. The main benefit of energy drinks is convenience. You don’t have to brew them, have ground coffee lying around, have a brewing device, heat any water, etc. You just…crack one open and voila, you have caffeine, immediately.

        Or just use Vivarin.

    6. On my half-mile walk to the train, I pass 2 excellent local coffee shops (one roasts their own beans, the other only buys high-end stuff and only sells pour-overs and espresso-based drinks). Prices are all comparable to Starbucks. Then I pass the Starbucks, which always has the longest line by far. People are odd.

      1. Bland constancy requires less thought than seeking out a better product.

        1. Must be while a majority prefer the totalitarian welfare state over freedom.

          1. Shh… someone will call you an elitist.

            1. Welp! Only them thar faggity-ass Cozmos drink anythin’ but chicory coffee brewed cowboy-style, I tell you what.

              1. Actually, I have it on excellent authority from Pa Ingalls that “tea is a man’s drink.”

                1. I’ve been making iced tea with loose leaf Cream Earl Grey for the past year. So delicious.

                  1. Earl Grey is excellent for iced tea. Especially with lemon.

                    1. Indeed it is, much better than most other varieties (except Luzianne, but that is generally only available in the South). Earl Grey also makes a great base for flavored iced teas, a mix with 3 bags of Earl Grey and 3 bags of Mint tea for a 2 qt batch tastes wonderful.

                  2. I bet you don’t put sugar in it either. Which is even better. I hate sweet iced tea.

                    1. Ye Gods. I live deep in the heart of sweet tea country. Ugh. How do you like your simple syrup? Straight up or tea flavored?

                    2. If’n y’all don’t like sweet iced tea why’d the hell y’all go to the trouble of conquerin’ us for?

      2. You can get a large cup of coffee at McDonald’s for $1. It also tastes 10x better.

        But yes, people are still going to Starbucks for some reason. Maybe it is us?

  5. It’s the fucking Baby Boomers who are the problem.

    They’re all getting geriatric and they can’t handle the caffiene anymore. But they don’t want to admit that they’re getting old, so the problem must be that caffiene is a dangerous product for everyone, not just people with heart problems in their 60s.

    Drinking way too much caffiene can definitely be dangerous for some people. Just like taking too much Sudafed. Or diet pills. Stimulants are stimulants. People with weak hearts shouldn’t take stimulants.
    Are we going to ban diet pills and Sudafed too?

    1. If only one life is saved, it will all have been worth it.

    2. … caffiene is a dangerous product for everyone, not just people with heart problems in their 60s.

      FTFY. Young people have their hearts explode from too much too.

      1. I think its pretty physiological. If I were going to die of stimulant overdose or alcohol poisoning, it would have already happened before I learned to moderate.

        1. Whoops. “I think its pretty phyisologically selective

          1. I’ve seen a number of stories about teenagers/twentysomethings who’ve died from too much. They’re usually trotted out when it’s time to try banning energy drinks again.

            1. That’s what I mean. Some people probably can die from a caffeine overdose. I would have to mainline a box of NoDoz to be any danger. Start at a low dose and bump up until you achieve the desired result.

              1. On NYE, I had about 32 ounces of strong coffee over the course of the morning, then 2 (!!!) red bulls in the evening… and I lived to tell the tale!

                1. Anyway, the point I was making is that it’s having a weak heart that causes problems and age is a lesser factor. The stories about younger people dying always mention a heart condition as the most minor part of the story.

              2. Start at a low dose

                Not when there’s a bet on the line.

            2. I’ve seen a number of stories about teenagers/twentysomethings who’ve died from too much.

              Too much alcohol, or too much caffiene? I think the scare story is that caffiene keeps you from passing out and therefore allows you to drink more. So you are more likely to die of alcohol poisoning.

              Sure there are occasional stories of people having heart palpitations after drinking 5-hour-energy, but it’s rare to hear one about a healthy 20-something actually having a heart attack and dying. And in that case you generally assume that they had an undetected heart problem.

              Even so, I think the reason these stories get so much currency isn’t because there’s a high risk of younger people ODing on 5-hour-energy drinks, but that older people are more *afraid* of dying suddenly of a heart attack. The elderly boomers think to themselves “I’m a hale and hearty 60 year old, but if this stuff can kill a 20-year old, it can kill me”, so they start getting all paranoid about it, and that sells newspapers and ads.

              1. Sure there are occasional stories of people having heart palpitations after drinking 5-hour-energy, but it’s rare to hear one about a healthy 20-something actually having a heart attack and dying. And in that case you generally assume that they had an undetected heart problem.

                That’s what I said. Younger people with heart problems are just as prone to dying from too much caffeine as older people are.

                1. Remember also, in many of those cases you hear about they’ve been awake for days without sleep, I doubt that has nothing to do with it.

      2. Some people are just more sensitive to caffeine. Usually they figure that out and avoid it.

    3. Are we going to ban diet pills and Sudafed too?

      Don’t you already have to show your license to buy at least one of these products? So, yes.

      1. Phentermine (the only sort of diet pill that actually works) requires a prescription.

        1. Are you trying to tell me the thing I keep seeing people shake on their food in the commercials won’t work???

          DAMN THOSE ADVERTISERS AND THE EVIL CORPORASHUNZ THEY WORK FOR!

          1. Back in the day, they were running commercials non-stop for 24 hour Hollywood Diet, which was a jug of some sort of orange-grey liquid that would make you lose 15 pounds in a weekend or some nonsense.

            My wife joking wondered aloud what was in it. My guess was chicken blood. Instant salmonella.

            1. My wife joking wondered aloud what was in it.

              Tang mix. Or at least not much more than that. My wife actually bought a bottle of the stuff to try one time.

            2. Ha–but that would actually be effective!

              1. What made it “effective” is the fact that as part of the program you also had to not eat anything. For an entire weekend. I suppose if you only drank Tang for an entire weekend you might lose a couple pounds.

            3. I thought it was some kind of horrible mixture of sugar water, orange flavor, and cayenne pepper (I’m not joking).

              1. I thought those were the current liquid diets.

                1. I think it’s safe to say that all liquid diets are disgusting and leave it at that. I don’t need you second-guessing everything I say, nicole!

                  Edina: Have you eaten something?

                  Patsy: No. Not since 1973.

                  1. I just wonder what’s with the cayenne pepper. Why do all of these have cayenne pepper?

                    1. Why do all of these have cayenne pepper?

                      They claim it speeds up the metabolism and increases circulation, but really it’s just a mild diuretic.

                    2. They claim it speeds up the metabolism and increases circulation, but really it’s just a mild diuretic.

                      Kinda like caffeine, but not caffeine.

              2. horrible mixture of sugar water, orange flavor, and cayenne peppe

                Ew. Like that maple syrup cleanse nastiness. (Maple syrup, lemon juice, water, and cayenne pepper, IIRC.)

          2. All the stuff that really works gives your runny ass syndrome. I think they refer to it as anal seepage.

            1. Indigestible fat is pretty much just lube in your guts. You’d have a hard time retaining vaseline, too. But you know that, don’t you?

              1. Are you crazy? I don’t put the Vaseline up in there, just on the outside. When my wife lets me. Sometimes she wants to hear me scream.

    4. Are we going to ban diet pills and Sudafed too?

      No, we will just make you wait in a line to get your coffee and show your drives license so that you can be a put on a watch list of possible drug dealers and terrorists. If you are lucky enough to find a pharmacy open when you are out of coffee.

      1. What’s really going to happen is that they let people buy coffee, but discriminate against caffiene that comes in other forms.

        The familiar must be safe. The unfamiliar is subject to suspicion.

    5. Are we going to ban diet pills and Sudafed too?

      Have you tried buying a box of psuedophedrine in VA? You’re practically treated like a criminal just for knowing what it is.

  6. I won’t go into Starbucks since they caved on open carry in California. Fuck Starbucks.

  7. Will Meier remember that the next time he is trying to scare us about the deadly threat lurking inside those shiny cans?

    Walking talking memory hole.

  8. The original Thai Red Bull is much better tasting, in my opinion.

  9. You know who else has wings?

    1. The pizza shop near my house?

    2. Your mom?

      1. No, Silly, the Third Reich!

  10. New York Times Accidentally Admits That Energy Drinks Are Safer Than Coffee

    Clearly we need to ban coffee too then! /NY Derp

    1. Nah. Like hot dogs, Nurse Bloomberg likes it so it gets a pass.

  11. as specially engineered blends that provide something more. LM2904

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