Republican Convention 2012

RNC Speeches Roundup

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I liked it better when Paul Lynde was center square.

The first full night of speeches at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida, has led to one striking conclusion: 

Many American politicans had ancestors born in other countries. 

From Nikki Haley's Indian parents through Ann Romney's folks, who followed the Lamanites directly from the Old Country, everybody talked up their immigrant forebears. 

Maybe you caught the highlights on TV. Maybe you've already watched them all, riveted to your phone, tablet or smellevision. Maybe you didn't watch any of the speeches. Here are some of the first evening's all-stars: 

Former first lady of Massachusetts Ann Romney works for the first day in her life, claims women sigh just a little bit louder than men. (A phenomenon I have often observed.) "It's the moms of this nation—single, married, widowed—who hold this country together," says Mitt Romney's wife. 

Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker gets a loud and sustained standing ovation, talks about somebody who got a new job in the Badger State, praises Romney for choosing "game changer" Paul Ryan as his running mate. "With this pick," Walker says, "he showed us that the 'R' next to his name doesn't just stand for Republican. It stands for reformer."

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie almost forgets to mention Mitt Romney in what Reason's Peter Suderman calls a "Self-Centered, Platitudinous Speech" that highlights "the GOP's Vision Problem." 

"Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are dedicated to restoring the home where married moms and dads are the pillars of strong communities," says former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum. 

"While the Obama administration borrows over $3 billion a day just to keep the lights on, Republican governors have closed $65 billion in budget shorfalls, without raising taxes," says Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell. "You didn't build that," the Obama campaign replies, highlighting the role of federal largess in Old Dominion's recovery. "It's hard to take Governor McDonnell's attacks on the president's policies seriously when he admitted recently that those same policies of cutting taxes for the middle class and small businesses, investing in infrastructure, and supporting education have helped strengthen Virginia's economy," Obama for America Virginia press secretary Marianne von Nordeck tells the Richmond Times-Dispatch.

South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley says the state is on its way to becoming America's number one tire producer, criticizes the Obama NLRB for trying to block Boeing's effort to move to the Palmetto State. 

Beloved Cliffhanger star Janine Turner tries to find Colorado, says God (him again?) built America.

House Speaker John Boehner, "a regular guy with a big job," talks about his days bouncing lowlifes from a bar. "The American people are still asking 'where are the jobs,' but President Obama only offers excuses instead of answers," says Boehner. "His record is a shadow of his rhetoric. Yet he has the nerve to say that he's moving us forward, and the audacity to hope that we'll believe him."

Just can't get enough? There are plenty more

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  1. Maybe you didn’t watch any of the speeches.

    I have a hard time envisioning myself watching any campaign speech, ever.

    Or any political speech, all the way through, with the possible exception of some kind of 9/11 style crisis or a full-blown shooting war.

    Watching plastic people vomit focus-grouped and poll-tested talking points is just not a good use of my time.

  2. Santorum was of course insufferable and the “hands” thing was simply nauseating. Romney needed him up there to round up the yay-hoo crowd but after the Akin debacle he and his message weren’t exactly the optimal pitch.

    Ann Romney looks great for a sixty-something but her speech was too heavy on the “woman” bullshit and it was manifestly scripted. Scripted is necessary and fine but the idea is to not appear so. Too bad.

    Christie was good but flat. I loved how he used “she” instead of the standard “he”. These guys are scared shitless about what Akin has wrought – as they should be.

    Also, Nikki Haley is kinda cool.

    1. I like her. And damn Jenine Turner is hot. I have been lust with her for 20 years now. She has aged as well as she looked.

  3. Jesse Jackson’s speech in 1984 was pretty good. That was probably that last moment that I had any level of respect for the prick.

    1. Jessee could give a speech. It must drive him nuts that a stiff like Obama is considered a “great orator”.

      1. Jessee could give a speech. It must drive him nuts that a stiff like Obama is considered a “great orator”.

        Not being racist, but if you want to hear great orators, black reverends are some of the best.

        1. They can be fantastic. Jackson is a tremendous speaker and a very entertaining guy.

  4. Maybe you didn’t watch any of the speeches.

    No “maybe” about it. My grip on sanity is tenuous as it is.

  5. John Boehner was a bouncer? Where, in Mayberry?

    1. He would cry copious tears as he gently lead crotchety old ladies out of Bob Evans.

      1. I can imagine it.

  6. I’m right on track in my quest to avoid watching even one moment of either of the Team conventions. Last night, for example, I got ripped on vodka and watched The Big Lebowski. I highly recommend it.

    1. I thought you were only allowed to get drunk on white russians while watching the Dude.

      1. I’m sure The Dude would approve of my choice of libations.

        1. Just don’t fuck with the Jesus!

          1. “I told that Kraut a fucking thousand times that I don’t roll on Shabbos!” – Walter Sobchak

    2. I stuck to beer while watching Day 4 of the World Series of Poker Main Event on ESPN, then I watched Reservoir Dogs for the first time in quite a few years.

      1. I’ve got Season 1 of The Wire on disc. Never seen it.

        And a fine selection of scotch.

        So I’m good.

        And NO FUCKING SPOILERS, guys.

        1. something about the goodness of 18awg copper over 20awg… oh, and the insulation types.

    3. Last night I watched Sahara with Bogie. A nice WW2 flick…filmed in California. And quite a respectable / non-racist treatment of the Sudanese soldier.

    4. I’ve been playing Guild Wars 2. Great times. Rewhatican convention?

  7. When is Ron Paul speaking, is he speaking or did he speak and I didn’t notice?

    1. Last I heard, the GOP bosses demanded that Paul turn in a copy of a speech so they could approve of it first, and he refused to do so.

      Another reason to admire the man.

      1. I believe they also required that he endorse Romney.

        1. Fuck that shit. I wouldn’t have endorsed him, either.

    2. Hahhahaaaaahahaaaa.

      Now that there was funny, I don’t care who you are.

  8. “It’s the moms of this nation — single, married, widowed — who hold this country together,” says Mitt Romney’s wife.

    Actually I would say a number of the single moms and their offspring are doing a decent job of tearing up the country.

    1. But, but… it’s for the childins!

    2. Back when Chris Rock wasn’t afraid to realtalk, one of his best bits was him bashing on single mothers.

      “‘You don’t need no man to raise no child!’ Shut the fuck up with the bullshit! Sure, you don’t need a man to raise a child, but that don’t mean it’s to be done. You can drive a car with your feet if you want to, that don’t make it a good fucking idea!”

      1. Racist.

  9. the GOP bosses demanded that Paul turn in a copy of a speech so they could approve of it first, and he refused to do so.

    Ben Bernanke is a GOP boss?

    1. No, he’s just a traitorous flunky.

  10. I won’t be watching any of the linked videos… just to keep my sanity level (at the normal just below boiling).

  11. All I see there is neocons and socons. Some of these people are the face of what is wroing with the GOP(sweater vest). Are there any limited government folks in the GOP that are going to have a speaking slot? Or just the ones that pretend to be? I thought Rand was speaking? I might watch that, but no way I can stomach listening to any of these plastic political establishment machine phoneys.

    I thought about checking out Mia Love because she’s the only one speaking so far that I don’t know anything about. And I don’t see her mentioned here.

    I would love to ask 2 questions to these ‘small government and liberty’ folks:

    1. What do you think about ending the WOD?

    2. What do you think about ending all foreign wars and minding our own business unless we are directly threatened?

    That will weed out 99% of them.

    Oh, and as far as GOP or conservative wimin folks being hot. Nikki Haley is kind of cute. The rest of them here? Meh. The hottest well konwn conservative chickey by far is Michelle Malkin and she’s not running for anything. Christine Odonnell was pretty good looking also, but she turned out to be a socon and a witch. Oh well, can’t win em all. But maybe I am forgetting someone, it’s early in the morn for me, haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee yet.

    1. 1. What do you think about ending the WOD?

      2. What do you think about ending all foreign wars and minding our own business unless we are directly threatened?

      You just weeded out 99% of both conventions.

  12. I want to talk to you about love. Why do you guys hate love so much?

    1. Who said we hate love? We hates the childins, da wimins folk, and brown people, …. oh and the poor folks. That is established. But where did this shit about Libertarians hating love come from?

      1. That’s my fault. It’s just that the Beatles get on my freaking nerves. that’s why I hate Love.

        Oh, you mean small-l love.

        nevermind.

  13. “While the Obama administration borrows over $3 billion a day just to keep the lights on, Republican governors have closed $65 billion in budget shorfalls, without raising taxes,” says Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell.

    It’s easy for McDonnell to close budget shortfalls in his state without raising taxes when Virginia it bleeding the rest of this country dry. With all of the defense contractors and the myriad of other businesses and organizations in his state that live off the government teat, combined with a maximum income tax rate of 5.75% and a corporate tax rate of 6%, he has a nearly bottomless pit of revenue coming in and 4.5% unemployment. Way to live up to those principles of small government Jack Ass.

    1. Have said this before, but, I keep having this vision of NOVA as a ghost town. It will be like fallout 3 without the mutant critters. You can only keep up an artificially inflated boom town like that going for so long. When they run out of revenue, it’s going to come crashing down.

      1. Any President who doesn’t destroy the DC, Maryland and NOVA economy has failed as President. You want to know how well the next President is doing, look at housing values in the DC area. If they are down, he isn’t doing too bad.

    2. True Red Dragon. But Maryland has access to the same bottomless pit of money and is still going bankrupt. So everything is relative I guess.

      1. Not really. The defense and intelligence biz has always focused more on Virginia, for a variety of reasons (location of the Pentagon and CIA, among them).

        When I moved to the DC area in the early ’90s, MD and VA were roughly equivalent in sucking off the federal teat, but 9/11 changed that dramatically. Essentially, the defense and intelligence agencies were handed blank checks, and they’ve never looked back. Maryland has gotten some of that business, but the government IT business was already clustered around the Dulles corridor in VA, and it’s gone in the hyperdrive over the last decade.

        1. I should add/clarify that the biggest growth sector in defense and intelligence spending has been in the tech stuff. That’s why the Dulles corridor has benefited so much. I live in that area now, and I wonder every day as I commute about all the evil shit going in those anonymous commercial buildings astride the Dulles Toll Road.

        2. What Red Dragon said below Chris. Those business are in VA because Maryland is business hell. If Maryland had a sane government, some of those businesses would be in Maryland. The NSA sits at Fort Meade afterall.

          1. I have no doubt that’s a factor, too. Beyond the business taxes, the huge concentration of retired military in VA has a lot to do with it. There’s a “community” in VA around the military and CIA that goes beyond corporate accounting decisions. If I want to hire a bunch of ex-military dudes to lobby for my contracting biz and staff it, I’m not going to ask them to commute 2 hours
            each way–I won’t get the best people if I do that, since they all live in VA.

            I suspect personal taxes play a role in military retirees’ decisions, though historically, VA was a cheaper place to live for retirees than MD. When I moved to DC, Fairfax County VA had cheaper housing than Montgomery County MD. It’s incredible how completely that’s changed.

          2. I should add there is a big cluster of contractors around the NSA headquarters, so MD is getting at least some of the Post-9/11 Slush Fund business.

        3. By all appearances, the economy around Baltimore pales in comparison to NOVA. Go over to NOVA any day of the week and go to a mall or restaurant at 11pm, it will be packed. Find that in Balmer, you won’t.

      2. Maryland’s problem, however, is that businesses are finding it more appealing to jump the border into VA and pay 2.25% less in corporate income tax. They still have the proximity to the power structure in DC and get to pocket more of the money. Proof that raising taxes does not increase a government’s revenue when people have the choice to move.

        1. If we don’t get them under our control, that is the peoples control over the government, then they will restrict our right to relocate. Relocation and most travel will be reserved for the elite, aka our elected representatives and their appointed bureaucrats. It will be done under the guise of sustainable development and national security. It is already being planned.

          1. As recently as a few months ago, Democrats were talking about the need to prevent wealthy Americans from avoiding their tax obligations by renouncing their citizenship. Sadly, I didn’t hear a cacophony of anger from the American people in response to that idea.

    3. That military industrial complex. You didn’t build that.

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