After teasing all 50 readers left who actually care about DC Comics for what seemed to be 1,000 years (in a red-sun galaxy at least), the geniuses behind such third-rate underwear models as Matter-Eater Lad and Animal Man have finally revealed which of their new lineup of planet-savers will fulfill the secret fantasies of Mr. Ropers the world over by being an out-of-the-closet gay man.
The honor goes to the Green Lantern. Not the hunky GL recently portrayed by what's his name, the guy who played Sandra Bullock's beard in that movie where she was a tough-as-nails business gal from Canada who needed a green card to stay in the country. The old Green Lantern whose costume looked like something Cyndi Lauper threw up after eating breakfast with Lou Albano on the set of "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."
The original Green Lantern - a DC Comics mainstay for the past 70 years - will be revealed to be a gay man in next week's issue of "Earth 2."
Alan Scott - formerly a married father of two who first appeared in 1940 - tips readers off to his sexuality early on in the comic when he gives his boyfriend a welcome home kiss.
"He's very much the character he was. He's still the pinnacle of bravery and idealism. He's also gay," "Earth 2" writer James Robinson told The Post.
The Emerald Guardian's sexuality was rebooted along with the rest of his fictional universe as part of DC's "New 52" initiative aimed at rejuvenating their characters.
Robinson said he decided to make the change because making the character young again meant erasing Scott's gay superhero son out of existence.
"The only downside of his being young was we lose his son, Obsidian, who's gay. So I thought, 'Why not make Alan Scott gay?'" Robinson recalled. "That was the seed that started it."
Well, at least it's not Aqua-Man. That would have been really insulting to gays, comic geeks, and underwater dwellers of all races, creeds, colors, and zoological classifications.
As a kid who spent hours of my childhood reading comics, I willingly confess to absolutely loving the generally awful attempts by mainstream comics to be "relevant" - I fondly recall plots where Superman gets beat up by activist Navajos for giving them Kryptonite blankets of something; where Green Arrow and Green Lantern drove around a United States exclusively populated by racists, corporate criminals, and hippies bearing remarkable resemblances to Jesus Christ; and where the "real" Captain America and the Falcon fight a '50s replacement who, along with his sidekick Bucky, are revealed to be anti-communist nutjobs (just like…Joe McCarthy!).
More power to such forces and less power to groups such as the American Family Association, who ask, "Why do adult gay men need comic superheroes as role models?" (Haven't they read their Fredric Wertham? The goal of comics is to turn healthy boys into homosexuals via exposure to the idyllic dream life of Bruce Wayne and "Dick" Grayson, not to sate the unnatural desires of post-pubescent deviants.)
But will the new DC lineup be any good, as defined by whatever counts as good smash-bang-kerplow action these days? That remains to be seen. The creators are saying that the gay Green Lantern won't be defined by his sexuality, which is problematic given what a boring old fart the character has been since the Truman administration. And DC is already behind the curve on this trend. Archie Comics, fer chrissakes, already held a gay wedding back in January, featuring an active-duty soldier!