Native Americans

Elizabeth Warren's Cherokee History Dissolves. Will Hekawi Tribe Offer Papers?

|

Wild Eagle's claims of tribal identity are better documented than Elizabeth Warren's.

Massachusetts Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren's claim to Cherokee nation ancestry seems to be collapsing for lack of evidence. 

The New England Historical Genealogical Society this week announced that it could find no documentation to back up Harvard law professor Warren's claim, which appears to have been based on family legend rather than actual research.

Breitbart.com and Legal Insurrection, meanwhile, have been doing oppo research and have made some intriguing claims that Warren's distant ancestor was in fact not an Indian but an Indian killer

And yesterday, self-described Cherokee genealogist Twila Barnes penned an open letter demanding that Warren tell the truth about her ancestry: 

This is starting to make us question your ability as a legal mind! And that makes us question whether you really got your job at Harvard on your own merits or whether you climbed on the backs of the Cherokee people in order to further your career.

So, Ms. Warren, you see, it is not just your opponent who has questions. We Cherokees have questions too and those questions have yet to be answered by you. You see, for us Cherokees, this is not political. This is about the truth. 

You have claimed something you had no right to claim—our history and our heritage and our identity. Those things belong to us, and us alone. These are not things we choose to embrace when they benefit us and then cast aside when we no longer need them, but that is what you seem to have done by "checking a box" for several years and then no longer "checking" it more recently, when apparently you no longer needed it. 

Of course, you say you only "checked the box" in an attempt to meet others like you, but that doesn't make sense. If one is claiming to be Cherokee and wants to meet other Cherokees, they don't "check a box" on a job application or in a directory for their profession! They go to where Cherokees are.

You are from Oklahoma!

Note that Barnes appears to have a pretty fiery reputation in the genealogy/blog universe (which of course doesn't disqualify her factual claims).

Elizabeth Warren, the true White Indian, gambols from Harvard to the Senate.

As for Warren, she has been downplaying the matter lately, and in recent years she does not appear to have been using minority status for professional purposes. Nevertheless she allowed herself to be described in the past as a Native American and the fact that Harvard had her listed as a minority professor indicates she did get some career bang out of being a fake Indian. 

I'm not sure how serious any of this is. Claiming that you're part Cherokee at first blush strikes me as about equal to calling yourself "The Colonel" — a relatively innocuous piece of American braggadocio. But Barnes' complaint is a reminder that such a seemingly harmless fib is an insult to people whose ancestors didn't find Harvard waiting at the end of the trail of tears. 

I dislike those Ancestry.com commercials because the stories are fiction but they use real historical images — among them a picture of William J. Burns, the great detective who caught the union thugs behind the 1910 bombing of the L.A. Times. But the narrative in those ads has some truth to it: Most of us are surprised when we put away family lore and dig into our ancestors' actual histories. I know I was saddened to find that the Civil War heroes regularly referenced in my own family were in fact not direct ancestors, and that they were Protestants to boot. 

In Warren's case the shifty family history sets up a stark contrast with the incumbent in the race — Republican Sen. Scott Brown, who gets forgiven a lot of his rotten RINO legislative record thanks to his willingness to let it all hang out. It's also weirdly like President Obama's editing himself into presidential history. These folks seek positions of power unlike any others on earth, and you would expect even their vices to be grand. But they're not. In the unsettled ids of our titans, you'll find only the most vain, petty kinds of sneakiness. 

Related: Mount Vernon, Ohio's own Paul Lynde does a guest spot on F-Troop

Advertisement

NEXT: Donna Summer, RIP

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of Reason.com or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  1. Too many italics. Simply cut a few, and it will be perfect.

    1. That, and the fact we went over this last week.

  2. Howie Carr has been talking about this all week! Where have you been?

  3. Then there was the time Geronimo jumped out of an airplane and yelled “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

    1. was the plane in the air?

  4. This is so fucking hilarious, especially in light of the recent revelations that she was referred to as a “woman of color” by Harvard.

    1. Pink is a color.

      1. But not the right color, honky cat.

      2. I’ve never seen her anything but deathly pale.

    2. The next time I see my brother I’m going to congratulate him on being the first person of color hired by his law firm (We’re both 1/32th Abenaki).

      1. I’m at least 1/32 negroid, but in the current climate the 3/8ths Hispanic might be even more advantageous. That close to 1/2 German (well, more like territories under the Holy Roman Empire — wow, geneology gets complicated if you’re an American) I’m afraid will never serve me any good.

        1. And for Tim.

          I know I was saddened to find that the Civil War heroes regularly referenced in my own family were in fact not direct ancestors, and that they were Protestants to boot.

          Similar here, it had become family legend on the maternal side that we came from Scots-Irish stock from the Piedmont of Virginia. However, after a cousin did an extensive genealogy, that turned out not to be the case. Ancestors started to claim that around the time of World War One.

        2. Back in the 90s I met a dude who was Serbian. He asked me where my people were from (maybe he thought I was Croatian?). I had a hard time answering, because I’m American. My ancestors came from all over the place and ended up in the Deep South. I think most people in America (after a couple generations) really don’t care where exactly their ancestors came from.
          I think I told him England, Scotland, Ireland, France, probably Germany and possibly the occasional Creek and/or Seminole. Honestly, though, I’m just playing probabilities and half-remembered family stories.

          1. Neoncat Pretty much the same as me. Part of my problem is that my great grandfather came from Alsace Lorraine after the Germans took it over from the French. He spoke French but had a German last name. So we don’t know his ethicity. Definitely a monocle wearing type. He owned a small sign manufacturing plant and my grandmother said that for a French speaking man he knew every word in the English language when it came to the unions. No Indians though. My ancestor just killed them well Blackfoot Indians at least and didn’t mate with them.

            1. In my case, I’m fairly positive that my ancestors came to Taiwan about three hundred years ago. But I’m no more Native Taiwanese than Elizabeth Warner is Native American.

  5. And that second alt text is so full of win.

    1. Oh thankyou thankyou thankyou for pointing that out. Can we declare Best Alt Text Evar?!

      1. I second! Best alt text ever. More triumphant than Odysseus casting off his beggar’s disguise and slaying the unwelcome suitors occupying his home.

        1. Better than the moment at the end of every episode of Leverage/Hustle where they reveal they had this shit covered the whole time.

          1. I pissed my scrubs…that is the Best. Alt-Text. EVAR!!!

            I haz sad, as a new bar of excellence has been set, and may never be surpassed.

    2. Damn, beat me to it. +1.

    3. Warren:

      1. Is a female
      2. Has crazy eyes
      3. Exhibits lying tendencies and mental instability
      4. Doesn’t believe in private property

      Hmmm…Ladies and Gentlemen, Senator Stack!

      1. O.M.G.!!!

    4. Bummer. Can’t read it on my phone.

      1. Elizabeth Warren, the true White Indian, gambols from Harvard to the Senate.

        1. I tip my hat. Sweetness.

  6. I dislike those Ancestry.com commercials because the stories are fiction but they use real historical images

    My nonna (Italian grandmother) paid to have her genealogy done quite a while ago, and got a report back that she is directly descended from the de’ Medici of Florence. Her response was “You pay these guys enough, and they’ll tell you you’re related to the pope!”.

    1. Think about it. Go back 300 years and that is what 15 or 20 generations? IF you start with an extended family of say six couple all having children and then multiply that by 15 or 20 exponentials and you get a whole lot of people who can claim that.

      1. We’re all just kissin’ cousins.

        1. We may be cousins, but I am not going to kiss you.

          1. Just a little, but no tongue, OK?

            1. TRAMP!

      2. Someone did a genetic study a few years ago that gave pretty good evidence that 1 out of every 200 men in the world is a direct descendant of Genghis Khan.

        1. I KNEW it!

        2. Wasn’t that Douglas Adams?

        3. And in 20 years, half of all Americans will be children of Antonio Cromartie.

  7. Having spent some time in Oklahoma and done some work with Indians, I am a bit of a bleeding heart when it comes to the Indians. They are one group I think really does deserve a break.

    What Warren did was really appalling. She falsely claimed to be an Indian and then took the affirmative action spots she wasn’t entitled to. Because of her lie, some real Indian didn’t get hired at Penn or Harvard for that matter.

    I object to affirmative action just like the rest of you. But it does exist. And for someone to lie and game the system is pretty much one of the lowest thing they can do. She might as well started going around in a wheel chair in order to get the good parking spaces. What a low life.

    1. I have to say that living in New Mexico makes you really cynical about the Indians. You feel bad for them, but at the same time you also see the sheer amount of things like alcoholism on the Pueblo reservation and you have to go “Really?”

      I guess part of my feeling comes from this: You have government funded housing, medical care, and get a monthly stipend. You get help going to college. And yes, the white man screwed you, but let me bring up another group that was screwed by history: The Jews. The Jews got fucked, and got fucked consistently. In response, they focused on hard work and education, and managed to succeed despite all the shit thrown at them.

      It also doesn’t help that I anecdotal know of some stupid shit, like when a young, just out of college couple was persuaded to move back to the tribal lands to “reconnect with their roots” (apparently, the whole tribe was sort of told to do this).

      Still, I can agree that Lizzy Warren is a bad person, because that spot should have gone to an actual Indian. An actual Cherokee Law Professor would be the example to hold up to others- “See what working your ass off gets you?” (Yes, it would have been somewhat diminished by affirmative action, but I have to think that any other person would look smart, hardworking, and accomplished in comparison to Lizzy).

      1. There is that side of it too. My dad grew up around the South Dakota reservations and hates them. Government dependence does really bad things.

        That said, agree or disagree with affirmative action, lying about who you are to take advantage of it is pretty damned low.

        1. John, I am fairly certain that there is not on sole on this board who would not agree with the statement, “Elizabeth Warren is a rotten fucking socialist scumbag.”

          1. God, I detest pinkos so fucking much.

          2. I have it on good authority that libertarians are soulless.

            1. My shoes are fine.

              1. I got one pair that needs work, but the orphans haven’t polished up the monocle collection to spec yet. Then they can get busy cobbling.

              2. My shoes are fine third-world baby skin leather works of art and cost me $24,000.

              3. he meant the fish

        2. I think it plays a large role. I do not think the Jews or American Asians would have done as well if there had been a welfare state around when they started to ascend the ladder.

          1. In 2012, there are still plenty of F.O.B. (sub-continental) Indians and Chinese who work their asses off, don’t become welfare leeches, and become successful entrepreneurs.

            Of course, many of their businesses tend to be based in ‘urban’ minority areas, which leads to success-envy toward those “dirty Asian shops”.

        3. The reservations in AZ (and I don’t know if this is true of all reservations in the US) do not allow ownership of any structure on the rez except by members of the tribe, and the actual land itself belongs to the tribe.

          This means you can’t get a bank loan to build anything, and even if you could there is no guarantee that it would stay in your family after you die. So everyone lives in 30 year old trailers and clapboard houses.

          It’s hard to find the Native Americans at fault for a lot of their cultural problems when they’re basically treated as retarded children by the Indian Affairs folks.

      2. You think Harvard would actually hire an actual Indian over Warren if that Indian had the political views of, say, Russell Means?

        1. Oh, c’mon, HM, Means isn’t a true Indian any more than Tom Sowell or Walter Williams are real African-Americans. Get real.

  8. Also, this calls for a little Paul Revere and the Raiders:

    Cherokee people, Cherokee tribe
    So proud to live, so proud to die
    They took the whole Indian nation
    Locked us on this reservation
    Though I wear a shirt and tie
    I’m still part redman deep inside

    1. Call her Druken Lizzie Warren
      She won’t answer anymore
      Not to Wall Street Hatin Indian
      Or Prof that ran for office.

    2. Heh…I set stage for Paul and the boys back in 1976, for three days running. A nice buncha guys. Omar Martinez actually let me play on his drum set.

      What I never got about that song was one of the things the Cherokee claimed as their heritage: the Bowie knife. I mean, it’s a lovely knife, but isn’t it named for a paleface interloper?

      1. It’s “the tomahawk, the bow, the knife”. Not Bowie knife.

  9. I’m supposed to be some small percentage American Indian. I never checked those fucking boxes on my college forms.

    Couldn’t really say if I am Indian or not. Lot’s of Ancestry.com dead-ends in bumfuck deep south. Hillbillies and Injuns seem to keep poor records.

    1. When the government has been rounding you up and killing you or putting you on reservations for a couple of hundred years, it kind of makes you a little leery of being documented.

      1. Not knowing how to read and write kind of makes you leery too (I’m talking my white trash and possible Injun ancestors).

      2. The Scots and Irish would agree.

    2. You could always try those Mormon we were talking about. IIRC, Brigham Young has the largest genealogy archive.

    3. My wife is 1/4 Cherokee. (Grandfather was full-blood). She and the kids could get 100% free medical care, and all kinds of other breaks.

      She would rather piss blood than check a box to get special treatment. One reason I love her.

  10. Tim, the senility must be hitting really hard, given that you completely forgot to stop italicizing the text.

  11. In Lizzie’s defense, maybe they told her she was related to that guy from the crying Indian don’t litter commercials.

  12. I haven’t really followed this, so someone correct me if I’m wrong. Is there evidence that she actually knew she had no Cherokee ancestors and claimed so anyway? All my life I’ve been told our family is related to 3 of the Salem witches as well as Lizzie Borden. I’ve never had any reason to verify it myself, so it seems quite plausible to me that Elizabeth Warren has been hearing Cherokee stories growing up and just assumed it to be true. Now, I love calling out government employees for their B.S. as much as the next libertarian, but this seems like a real non-issue to me, especially when there are PLENTY of other faults we can hammer her for.

    1. This is the fun one, though. We get to make insensitive Indian jokes.

      Anyway, in all seriousness, it goes a little beyond a simple mistake. She actively benefited from this and claimed she was a minority into 1995, despite somehow never having made it on the rolls. This is an ongoing falsity that shows reckless disregard for the truth.

      1. I think we are all far too mature to make insensitive jokes about how Warren is paleface who speak with forked tongue and pretend to be Cherokee so she can get heap big wampum, and how her enemies are on the warpath and she needs to smoke a peace pipe with them (so long as the peace pipe isn’t filled with a scheduled substance), etc.

        1. You forgot fauxcohantis.

          1. That’s a pretty good one. That should be her new name: Senator Fauxcahontas.

            1. I don’t like the Senator part.

              1. Still, though, I would pay a chair on a Committee to say “The Chair recognizes the lady from the Proud Indian Nation, Senator Fauxcahontas”

            2. There’s also Taxagawea. I prefer Fauxcahontas, personally.

        2. Certainly we are. We have to let those minorities retain the goodwill we have given them, lest we be deemed Indian Givers.

        3. You need to work in “firewater” into that, but otherwise, it’s spot-on.

          1. All I can say is I’d hate to be in her moccasins right now.

        4. Here’s a list made up from ones seen on Facebook and Twitter. I posted it a while ago, but it’s worth posting again.

          Top Ten Elizabeth Warren Indian Names

          10. Little Pantsonfire

          9. Woman Who Loves Eater of Dogs

          8. Lie-a-watha

          7. Hoarder of Feathers Who Hates Feather Hoarders

          6. Sitting Bullsh*t

          5. Hunts at Whole Foods

          4. Running Joke

          3. Taxagawea

          2. Dances With Occupiers

          And the number one Elizabeth Warren Indian name:

          1. Fauxcahontas

          1. It’s not mine, but I liked “She Will Sioux” and “Chief Talking bull”

          2. “10” would be better as:

            “Stands with pants on fire”

            1. Btw, based on appearance, she is German/Swiss/Austrian.

              Does anyone else think she is subtly trying to pull off the injun thing with the mid cranium hair-part?

      2. Even better, we get to make “White Indian” jokes. Love that alt text.

    2. “…it seems quite plausible to me that Elizabeth Warren has been hearing Cherokee stories growing up and just assumed it to be true…”

      It is plausible, but if you’re using it for political or educational gain, it seems an ethical person might do more than rely on what is in fact ‘old wive’s tales’.

      1. Yeah. It would be one thing to hear, “Your great great grandfather was really a black guy who impregnated your grandma but they passed the baby off as white” or some such thing.

        It would be another to claim to be black.

        1. Especially for lawyers, and extra-especially for a law professor.

          1. You have to swear the stuff on your application is true. It doesn’t ask you to swear: “I have not yet been presented with solid evidence to the contrary.”

            1. Truth and family folklore are not in the same category. Why did she never get on the rolls? I suspect it’s because she had an idea that her folklore was BS, which evinces a reckless disregard for the truth.

              Regardless of legal culpability, my standard for moral culpability is much lower, and she’s a dirtbag.

              1. She couldn’t be on the rolls anyway. She doesn’t qualify.

                Tribal membership is matrilineal. Even if it were true that she has some female Indian ancestor, it’s too remote and separated by too many males to count.

          2. hey, if cops don’t need to know the law, why should lawyers.

    3. One of the commenters on the Cherokee genealogy site suggests that ,growing up in Oklahoma, Warren would have known if she had Indian ancestry. I’m kinda surprised she had none from her east Tennessee ancesters.

      It shouldn’t be difficult to see if you are kin to the Fall River Bordens.

    4. Everyone has those stupid family stories. Only the douchiest of white people claim to be Indian or Aboriginal or whatever.

      Check out these douchebags.
      http://www.heraldsun.com.au/op…..5764532947

      1. This. My Dad is 1/16th Cherokee but would never ask for anything based on that or claim special status.

        1. What is really surprising, to me at least, is the fact that to be placed upon the tribal roles as a Cherokee you only need have 1/128th Cherokee blood. That’s right, a person with 127 parts European and one part Cherokee is a “Cherokee”.

      2. I’m at least a quarter Mexican (likely Navajo or Pueblo, if it comes to that), and I would never try to cash in on it. Maybe I’m a fool, because I would have liked to go into legal academia, but never had a chance because of my white masculinity.

      3. Everyone has those stupid family stories. Only the douchiest of white people claim to be Indian or Aboriginal or whatever.

        This.

        In my family, we laugh at the white folks who casually throw out statements like “By the way, I’m part Cherokee.”

  13. This doesn’t seem nearly as bad as Blumenthal’s repeated false claims to veterans groups that he served with them over in Vietnam. He ‘mispoke’ when he said “When I was in Vietnam…” Because repeatedly falsely claiming you fought in a war you didn’t is just something everyone does occasionally, apparently.

    So what I’m saying is if Massachusettes voters are anywhere near as stupid as those in CT, she’ll ride this out just fine.

    1. Blumenthal is a serious dirt bag. But did Blumenthal ever claim veteran’s preference to get a job?

      1. Well, shit like that does tend to help you get elected to the Senate, though it’s a bit different.

      2. Yeah. Senator.

    2. I grew up in CT. So glad I left that behind and don’t have to daily resist the urge to murder that Blementhal bastard.

      1. Goldie, another CTer! Where from? Norwalk here.

        1. So, this is a tough one. New Canaan. Super burgeiouse. Then we lost everything in the financial crash, so yeah!

          Of course, that is actually sort of the situation my grandfather found himself in in the 30s. Dad lost all the money and they had to rely on family members for support. And my grandfather ended up doing super well for himself, so precedent is in my favor at least. I sure as shit ain’t planning to die poor.

          1. Aww, right up the street. Sorry about the fam. If we were both still there I’d invite you for a breakfast sandwich at Diamond Deli, meetingplace of many a Norwalker and New Canaanite.

          2. My cousins used to live in New Canaan, they left about 10-12 years ago.

          3. Hey you CTers, there is a famous roach coach just off 95 somewhere in Fairfield county – not far from Stamford, I beleive. Anyone know it?

            1. This could be many places…are you thinking of Swanky Franks? (Hint: not swanky). “Not far from Stamford” is where my entire life took place up to age 17 so I can think of all too many…

              1. By the marvels of the internet, I found it…
                http://www.superduperweenie.com/

              2. Dude, don’t go shitting on swanky franks. Those are some good dogs.

                1. I have actually never eaten one, despite having driven by it truly countless times.

                  1. It tastes better than it looks, which makes sense because they sell hot dogs, which share that quality.

                    They cleaned up their act though. When I was a kid, I did get food poisoning, but around the end of high school they were a pretty reliable spot for good food.

        2. Also, holy fuck to I miss CT pizza.

          1. OMG ME TOO. And in the land of fucking deep dish…

          2. I miss the smell of Daddy bringing home some Franklin Grinders. And I didn’t even eat the peppers at that age.

        3. Norwalk is a great town, though.

          1. I’m from Newtown. We have a really big flagpole and make claims to the invention of Scrabble and the vulcanization of rubber. Also, woodchipper murders.

            1. no screendoor factory?

          2. SoNo is a fun little nighttime hangout. But to extrapolate that to all of Norwalk…well, not so much.

            I do miss CT…except for the people and the politicians and the traffic.

            1. Yeah I encounter people a lot nowadays who think Norwalk is nice, and I’m like…what?

              I’m not much older than Goldwater but I do remember a very different SoNo than what’s there now…and I know what it’s like if you keep driving down So Main. Not to mention the public schools.

            2. Fair point. You have to realize the compared to New Canaan, Norwalk had shit that you could do after 8 PM. Even the skeezy parts of Norwalk (and there are many) were more interesting as a teenager than anything I could find in my town.

    3. Toss up. They used their particular circumstances to take the opportunity to be sleazy dirtbags to the extent that they could realistically get away with.

  14. This can’t possibly be true. You see, Gawker is covers Elizabeth Warren extensively, and they have no post up about this. They have a lot about gay marriage, but nothing about this. Just like Jezebel covers the GOP’s War on Women, but has not reported the recent polling showing Romney leading with women. They do, however, have this post up about how mean it is for a Catholic univerisity to drop health insurance rather than pay for contraception and violate their religious beliefs.

    And if you ever wonder why these people are shocked when they lose, this would be why.

    1. Okay, I have to post one comment:

      The Catholic Church is a criminal cartel and all things affiliated with the Church are criminal both by association and in action. No government funding should ever go to this school and the tax exempt status of all Catholic Churches should be stripped and their leadership/the Church charged with their various crimes, at this point, crimes against humanity.

      I love how he never cites any crimes. Now, one could argue the Inquisition, but that ended about 400 years back. I suppose the whole pedophile priest thing could be considered that, but it would be nice to cite that.

      1. Hello? Overthrowing the rightful kings of France? Hiring albino monks to assassinate your enemies? Those sound like crimes to me.

      2. The “constrained choice” canard was pretty ridiculous too. Someone pointed out that you don’t have to go to Franciscan, and someone else said that that is the same as being robbed at gunpoint. No, really.

        1. You mean this one?

          If you’re forced to give up your purse at gunpoint, you still have the choice to refuse and get shot. The point, however, is it’s a constrained choice.

          Sometimes, students who otherwise wouldn’t go to Catholic universities are “forced” (scare quotes since nobody is ever truly forced to do anything) to do it because student loans or not going to college are worse options for them. It’s still overly simplistic to assume that everyone in that situation should opt for those worse options on principle.

          It is amazing to me how alien the concept of voting with your dollars or your feet is to the people who hang out on Gawker and Jezebel.

          1. Well, if you can’t do exactly what you want without regard for reality, resource availability, practicality, etc., can you really be “free”?

      3. It’s a typical lefty position, though they manage to keep it under wraps most of the time. I’m jus waiting for some public port-sider to let loose one day on camera.

    2. Ah, fuck, and this:

      Not every high school senior chooses where he or she get to go to school. Not everyone wants to be where they end up, and not everyone has the option to leave or transfer. Where you go to school is decided from a huge vat of competing wants and needs. Anything from money and scholarships, distance from home, what major you want to pursue and your parents can all affect where you end up. Many kids go where their parents will pay for them to go, and not all parents will pay for their innocent kid to go to a Big Bad State School. A lot of times in education choice, your hand is forced. Not everyone has a privilege of simply choosing from a long list of schools they were accepted to.

      Furthermore, if you don’t have to be Catholic to be accepted into the institution, you shouldn’t have to be Catholic to remain there. If they want people to abide by Catholic teaching as students, then they need to make sure they only admit practicing Catholics… They’re essentially trying forcing their student body to abide by Catholic teaching and doctrine, not just to respect it as they ask you to do at all Catholic colleges, but abide by it and practice it.

      This was all in response to someone who pointed out that you choose to go to a Catholic school, it is not unreasonable to be asked to abide by their rules.

      These are how these fucks actually think, which is how they can think that enslaving doctors can be their right.

      1. The entire world must bend to their individual will, being of the superior sort that is meant to rule mankind.

  15. I’m beginning to rethink the importance I’ve been placing on ancestry.

  16. I’m a pretty undiluted ethnic Russian, but I have some distant Crimean Tatar in me. Does that mean I get to work at an Ivy League school? Oh, oh, can I be a specialist on CONSTITUTIONAL LAW, like Brock Obama? That would be, like, so amazingly sweet and stuff!

    1. Brock Obama: Worst UFC fighter ever.

      1. Come to think of it, the Shitsack-in-Chief’s political faggotry would probably make Brock and every one of his Poke-ee-mans squeal in agony at the state of the universe. Apologies to all the Pokemon fans I’ve insulted so brazenly.

    2. You should have surgery to augment your Tatars.

      1. Wait — are you telling me to be more brown? Isn’t that, like, totally racist? You filthy fucking bigot!

        It isn’t racist if you’re a progressive, of course, because it’s only racist if you’re being told to more white.

        1. Actually, I was being sexist *and* racist. As well as a bad punster, apparently, if the joke wasn’t obvious.

    3. No, but it does mean you get to weld one pretty bad ass battle axe which is way more cool than in association with an Ivy League school.

      1. ‘in’ is now a homophone for ‘any’ in my head now I suppose. I can feel the cracking.

        1. As ‘weld ” is a homophone for ……

  17. No F-Troop clip is complete without the whole cannon/watchtower gag. I am disappoint.

    1. I was seriously hoping for Don Rickles as Bald Eagle. An F-Troop classic.

    2. I was seriously hoping for Don Rickles as Bald Eagle. An F-Troop classic.

    3. I was seriously hoping for Don Rickles as Bald Eagle. An F-Troop classic.

  18. No comments about the alt-text?

    Elizabeth Warren, the true White Indian, gambols from Harvard to the Senate.

    PURE FUCKING WIN, CAVANAUGH

      1. SFed it btw.

    1. God damn, Warty, learn to fucking RTFCs already.

      1. You fucked yourself by spelling it “alt text”. F3 can’t find things that are stupid and wrong.

        Besides, you don’t count.

        1. I’ve had enough of your othering, you microaggressive fuck.

          1. I’m not microagressive, I’m megaagressive.

  19. Alt-Txt win:) My mom is from Sunbury which is the same little farm community Paul Lynde came from (picture Mayberry). I’ve never been able to imagine him coming from there for some reason.

  20. Typical. When some folks see a proud, successful Native American woman, they just have to drag her down.

    1. She’s not as wise as she would be if she were a Latina.

    2. I have reservations about the truth value of this statement.

      1. Does being an Indian get her a discount at Squaw Valley?

      2. I see what you did there.

  21. I know I was saddened to find that the Civil War heroes regularly referenced in my own family were in fact not direct ancestors, and that they were Protestants to boot.

    Why exactly does the fact they were protestants sadden you?

    1. Well, because that means they’re going to hell. Duuuh.

      1. they’re already in hell, or at least purgatorium, or undead

    2. I second that. Protestants are just Catholics who read the Bible instead of having it read to them, so I don’t get the personal anguish here.

      1. Protestants are just Catholics who read the Bible instead of having it read to them

        Well, or claim they read the Bible anyways…

  22. as far as I can tell – 100% Dutch, though I did hear a strange rumor about my dad’s side having some French Canadian / Indian something-or-another stock. No documentation of course, just family lore since my grandfather on that side was darker haired.

    On that side of the family, the last name comes from Napoleonic times. But my ancestors were nothing but poor farmers – and one was a bastard son of a milk maid. My mom’s side can trace back to the 1500s – apparently well-to-do merchansts – but no nobility.

    1. No documentation of course, just family lore since my grandfather on that side was darker haired.

      Most likely a changeling then.

      1. Or a Baratheon

    2. On my mother’s side, Marovingian Kings, baby! Also the Dudley family in Enlgand, including one guy shortened by queen Elizabeth.

    3. One of Napoleon’s gift to the Low Country is his tax collector’s insistence that the subjects have surname (all to better keep track of the tax roll). A very good chunk of people didn’t have surname, and a bunch of wise ass managed to get their descendant joke surnames as a result.

  23. Sexual social contract: http://i.imgur.com/Bhj6B.jpg

    1. Good, but why doesn’t the contract just lay out that she explicitly means, “Have sex with incredibly mannish lesbians”?

      It’s not like they would ever force hot women to have sex with men, given that that would be heterosexual sex and therefore rape. Ours is a government that will rape you wallet- not your body.

  24. I can’t believe no one’s talking about the awesome alt text for that second image.

  25. My only interesting relative is the one who fled Italy for England way back in teh day. Family lore has it that he was a follower of Giordano Bruno, and skipped out to avoid the inquisition.

    I, of course, am never going to check this story because it’s too fucking perfect.

    1. We had some that died in the Soviet gulag system during Stalin’s reign. Family histories tend to be depressing a great deal of the time when Red Russia’s included in the period of interest.

      1. My ancestors were Venetian nobility when Venice was a world power. And a few of them were apparently Doge.

        I’m hoping to get back to Venice soon to show my 5 year old all of the monuments, paintings and buildings with our last name on them. But I figure that Italy will collapse soon enough, making such a trip unlikely – and undesirable.

      2. “We had some that died in the Soviet gulag system during Stalin’s reign.”

        Got a shirt-tail relative who adopted a kid from an orphanage in Siberia (looong train ride from Moscow).
        That kid’s White Russian or I’m a Hottentot. Pretty sure I know how the family got there, and it’s not good news.

  26. I’m 1/2 Hispanic (a mixture of Mexican mestizo on my grandpa’s side, Spainard on my grandmother’s), and 1/2 French Canadian on my mother’s.

    My direct ancestor is Marin Boucher, one of the earliest pinoeers of Canada. I’m also told I have Navjao and Algonquin ancestors.

    1. That was supposed to be in response to Fist’s comment at 2:26. Fucking squirrels.

  27. alt-alttext for 1st image:

    Are You Serious!?!

  28. I don’t really care too much about ancestry but sometimes I think it’s kind of cool that I could reasonably have a claim to wield Mj?lnir (being descended of Swedish blacksmiths and all).

  29. I can’t believe the comments have come this far and nobody said anything about the alt-text for the second picture.

    1. You so fire.

    2. RTFC needs to be added to the drinking game.

  30. I miss out on all the fun. Descended from Scandihoovians who stepped ashore long about the late 19th and early 20th centuries. We came, we saw, we made lefse.

  31. We got cut off from the rest of the tribe for months and months. After being lost for months, the chief looked around and said “We’re the heck are we?” and that’s how we became known as the Hekawi.

    – from F Troop paraphrased

  32. No doubt Rachel Madcow and her crowd will be crying that evidence is just a construct of the evil patriarchal capitalist phallocentric poopyheads.

  33. Check out the Boston Herald for Lizzie’s contributiin to the “Pow Wow Chow” (no shit!) cookbook in 1984.

    This whole thing is just so entertaining.

  34. My better half is 1/8 Choctaw and would never think of putting down anything other than “White/Caucasian” on a form.

    1. “would never think of putting down anything other than “White/Caucasian” on a form.”
      S’OK with me, but my answer is ‘irrelevant’.

      1. Never thought of doing that. I wonder if you could get away with that on a 4473 or a driver’s license application. Have you tried?

        1. I am one of very few people in the US Army personnel database who is “XX”, which means “Other/Unknown” and “Other/Unknown” under “race” and “ethnicity”. It drives my unit completely crazy.

          1. Did you simply refuse to identify or do you genuinely not know? Either way, pretty cool.

            1. I refuse to identify.

              1. I’m German-Irish, so I usually note my ethnicity as “drunk.”

                1. Everyone knows God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.

                2. I share German-Irish ancestry with SF – disturbing…

        2. I’ve worked at literally dozens of jobs and always find the ethnic questioning offensive so I just put “other” or “human”.

          This never elicited a squeak from HR/management until I did some time at a Washington Post Company subsidiary. I’m sure you’re shocked, shocked, to find out that they’re racially obsessed.

        3. “I wonder if you could get away with that on a 4473 or a driver’s license application. Have you tried?”
          Dunno what 4473 is, and my DL app was done long enough ago, it wasn’t a question (I’m an old fart).
          What I do now on any form is select “other” and if there’s a space, add “irrelevant”.

          1. A 4473 is the ATF form you have to fill out to buy a firearm, and they claim there is no getting out of any of the questions. There is a classifixation for “other” race but if you fit the definition of a listed race you’re lying on the form, which is a bad idea. There is no option for “decline to identify.”

  35. The Last of the Prevarihicans
    Fauxcahontas
    The Fauxking Moon

    1. “Fauxcahontas”
      I’m stealing that.

  36. My understanding from oral family history is that I have an ancestry of Italian, Hungarian, German, and Scandanavian. My mother and her siblings are supposed to be 1/32 Cherokee by way of two female ancestors, making me 1/64th. They would have a tribal minimum, I would not.

    I have not confirmed a single one of these facts by research, and I know of only four surnames in my lineage. My information could be very incomplete or incorrect, as far as I know.

    So, are you not supposed to say anything about your ancestry until you go to the geneological society and do an exhaustive trace of your ancestry? How many people have actually done that before telling others their understanding of their heritage as per family lore?

    If so, somebody had better tell the U.S. Government. According to Rule 803(19) of the Federal Rules of Evidence for the United States Courts:

    “A reputation among a person’s family by blood, adoption, or marriage ? or among a person’s associates or in the community ? concerning the person’s birth, adoption, legitimacy, ancestry, marriage, divorce, death, relationship by blood, adoption, or marriage, or similar facts of personal or family history”

    …is admissible evidence in a court of law.

    1. Admissibility does not equal veracity, otherwise you wouldn’t need juries.

      I have not confirmed a single one of these facts by research, and I know of only four surnames in my lineage. My information could be very incomplete or incorrect, as far as I know.

      So, are you not supposed to say anything about your ancestry until you go to the geneological society and do an exhaustive trace of your ancestry?

      Something more than “Gramma tells me that her Great Grandfather gamboled with the Great Spirit and fought the White Father in Washington”, yeah, especially if you’re getting tangible benefits, extra-especially if you’re a lawyer, and absolutely if you’re a law professor who is supposed to emulate ethics for the rest of the profession.

      1. “So, are you not supposed to say anything about your ancestry until you go to the geneological society and do an exhaustive trace of your ancestry?”

        Oh, boy! The strawmen are headed for cover now!
        No, you lying sack of shit. Your answers are supposed to be what you *know*, not what drunken old aunt Agnes told you at the family picnic.

    2. A law professor should have heard of something called reasonable inquiry. Also, Rule 803 provides only that certain things “are not excluded by the rule against hearsay….”

    3. So, are you not supposed to say anything about your ancestry until you go to the geneological society and do an exhaustive trace of your ancestry? How many people have actually done that before telling others their understanding of their heritage as per family lore?

      She didn’t just “tell others”.

      She’s not being ridiculed for just telling others.

      She listed herself as Native American in the directory, when she taught at the University of Houston and the University of Pennsylvania. According to the post above, Harvard, subsequently, listed her as Native American staff, which suggests she profited from listing herself as a minority.

      Do you have a legal right to tell people you’re Native American if you only think so–because of family lore?

      Absolutely.

      But if you list yourself as a minority you aren’t, or if you list yourself as a minority becasue you’re only 1/32 that minority–seeking favorable treatment in getting hired–and then, subsequently, seek office in the U.S. Senate, do voters have a legal right to ridicule you for it?

      The correct answer is yes.

  37. There’s an important lesson to learn here: You can’t penetrate a wall of stupid with facts.

  38. Oh well. If she doesn’t get elected to the Senate, maybe she can try applying for a license to build a casino.

    1. She could do tons of good as a community organizer on a reservation.

  39. It sounds like most of us are mixtures of all sorts of tribes and who knows where the Germans, or whatever, in our past came from before that. So, if we all originated in Africa, then I suggest we all start putting “African” when ever some busybody entity wants to know our ancestry.

    1. That would blow the lid off the entire racket.

  40. Could one of our Massholes give us some insight into how much play this story where it matters?

    1. At this point, not much. However, my guess is that she’s going to self-immolate even more that Martha Coakley did.

      My guess is that outside of I-495, a bunch of women who might have voted for her are going to stay home, and Scott Brown will eke out another victory.

      Inside I-95? No effect. The people who were going to vote for her don’t seem to care, and the people who weren’t already think that she’s a laughingstock.

  41. Twila Barnes: “This is starting to make us question your ability as a legal mind!”

    Starting to? My dear, the 1,000 other equally preposterous things this woman of the pasty face has said was more than enough to question:

    a) Her wits
    b) her sanity
    c) her intelligence

  42. True story* – car dealerships in Boston are now selling Jeep Elizabeth Warrens. Guaranteed authentic, or you can trade it back after six years.

    *Not.

    1. Actually, they’re giving them away. But then, they’re taking them back…
      (sorry)

  43. I’m not sure how serious any of this is. Claiming that you’re part Cherokee at first blush strikes me as about equal to calling yourself “The Colonel”

    It wouldn’t matter as much if it weren’t coming from someone who’s a quintessential limousine liberal.

    Is her imagination so powerful that in imagining herself fighting for the poor and downtrodden so thoroughly, she’s actually started to imagine that she is one of the poor and downtrodden?

    How could that be? She made a bundle fighting asbestos claims against Travelers insurance–she’s not fighting for the little guy! She fought to deny benefits to people who were suffering from asbestos exposure…so that some corporation could save a few bucks!

    She’s just a poor little Indian girl–who makes way more than $400,000 a year–and claims on camera that she isn’t one of the 1%.

    She’s a classic limousine liberal, who’s hates the truth of who she really is. And the problem is that she’s based her campaign–her whole political philosophy running up to this–on bashing hardworking people, better than herself, for being well to do.

    Meanwhile, she keeps digging–somehow, in some way, she must be a victim of something! She just has to be, and if all the hateful people out there would just stop harassing her for a moment, she could probably find something that proves she really is a victim somehow.

    There has to be something!

  44. 1/32! How can a person know that for sure? You can’t go back four generations in my family before questionable paternity makes the whole investigation ludicrous.

    1. That 1/32 is something like a legal requirement for belonging officially to whatever band. I think this stuff has become increasingly important as band membership has come to mean being eligible for all sorts of benefits–now that a number of tribes are doing well thanks to casinos.

      Here’s the thing, though. Cherokee isn’t one of the tribes that says you have to be 1/32. According to Wikipedia, anyway, being 1/32 doesn’t count with Cherokee–you have to be a direct decedent of an original enrolee.

      These tribes do not have a minimum blood quantum requirement; however, this does not mean anyone with any amount of Indian blood can enroll. Members must be direct descendants of original enrollees.

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/B…..membership

      Cherokee is one those.

Please to post comments

Comments are closed.