Occupational Licensing

Vampire Nutritionists!: Florida Warns Citizens About the Menace of Unlicensed Undead Diet Gurus


You start taking diet advice from an unlicensed nutritionist, and the next thing you know you're all pale and listless, you start sleepwalking, and your immortal soul is imperiled. Could this tragedy have been prevented?

The Florida Department of Health is here to help. It has an official state website encouraging citizens to consult licensed nutritionists, decorated with the usual pictures of happy people with good teeth and appealing fruit. The site soberly warns:

Risks of not using a licensed nutrition professional include:

1. Qualifications and experience are unknown because there are no educational or training requirements. You may purchase unnecessary or ineffective supplements or    products

2. You could harm your health by following fad or unproven diet regimens that are not based on nutrition science.

3. Serious damage can occur to your health if the wrong type of nutrition    therapy is prescribed for certain types of illnesses.

4. No consultation or communication with your physician.

But the ads that seem to accompany the campaign are a little…flashier. They suggest that there was another point that got left off of the list.

5.  The undead may feast upon your blood.

Read more Reason on the protectionism behind occupational licensing schemes.

Via the always-toasty Baked Penguin.

NEXT: The Approximate Retail Value of Dining With the President? $4,800.

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  1. He is my favorite flightless bird, right after the slutty emu, of course. Who doesn’t love a slutty emu?

    1. He’s not flightless.

    2. Slutty emo? Yes. Slutty emu? Not so much.

        1. You would know.

        2. You should know.

            1. You’re all just a bunch of degenerates.

              1. Oh, really? Well, what about that time I found you naked with that bowl of Jell-O?

                1. Look, it was hot and I was hungry, okay?

                  1. If they actually do the Real Genius sequel, they should have Ken be the leader of his own religion, based on his conversations with God.

                    1. Well, I guess it goes from God…to Jerry…to you…to the cleaners, right, ProL?

                    2. Exactly. Jerry should be part of the holy writ, too, centered on the tenets of (1) No touching yourself, (2) hammering nails in a secret manner, and (3) popcorn.

                    3. You see, ProL, I used to be you. And lately I’ve been missing me so I asked Dr. Hathaway if I could room with me again and he said sure.

    3. Kath-ManGOO: They call him “baked” penguin b/c he’s high. High on drugs.

  2. I’m not sure why I wouldn’t take nutritional advice from someone who has figured out how to live forever and not get fat. I mean, I’ve never see a fat vampire, have you?

    1. Plus, you dodge Estate taxes. Achieving undeath is the most Libertarian thing you can do!

      1. Not quite. You are dependent on others for sustenance, literally a humanoid leech and require a legion of thralls. Whether or not the thralls are willing is up the vampyre’s personal ethos.

        1. At least they have an ethos.

        2. You could always pay people to give you some of their blood. It’d be like the Red Cross, but to feed the undead instead of keep people from being dead.

  3. Florida is, of course, totally overrun by vampires. Why, Lauren Hutton went to my high school!

    1. “It’s formica..”

  4. Wouldn’t the vampires rather feast on healthy blood anyway? I’ll stick with my junk food, thank you very much. And small doses of silver.

  5. The thing is, the ad may backfire. The sex / age cohort most likely to go to a nutritionist is also the one that made Twilight a best-seller.

    1. You go to a nutritionist?

      1. Don’t be ridiculous. He is a nutritionist. A vampire nutritionist.

  6. Sitting under your bed covers eating cake and crying tends to pack on the pounds. At least I had something to read.

    1. So that’s why you asked for that DustBuster for Secretaries’ Day. It all makes sense now.

      1. I’m feeling lazy, so please feel free to think up some joke involving semen and feces and pretend that I wrote it.

        1. I was going for the cleaning up crumbs angle, Jimbo, but I appreciate your vulgarity and credit you with making H&R a more disgusting place. For that, we thank you. Well, I thank you, but I wanted to use the royal “we”.

          1. Oh, crumbs…how blase. I guess I just immediately mentally insert semen and feces into almost any situation, regardless of relevance to the topic.

            If I can do my small part in making one small corner of the world a more unwelcoming place for families and those with delicate sensibilities, then I can die a happy man.

            1. I guess I just immediately mentally insert semen and feces into almost any situation, regardless of relevance to the topic.

              My heart penis swells with pride.

  7. You start taking diet advice from an unlicensed nutritionist, and the next thing you know you’re all pale and listless, you start sleepwalking, and your immortal soul is imperiled.

    Sounds more like pernicious anemia to me. Nothing Geritol, meat and a Twilight free diet couldn’t rectify.

    1. Some B12 IM probably wouldn’t hurt either.

  8. Seems the person who designed the ad was not a licenses advertisement expert.

  9. I’ve done more to improve my health by ignoring conventional wisdom than in following it. Nutritionists are trained by industry with their own goals of “value added” food products (a term I learned as a clueless food industry intern).

    Go Paleo!

  10. I’m opposed to licensing in most things, but I’m still wishy washy when it comes to medical related stuff. I had a patient recently that went to a weight loss “doctor” who gave her a 500 kcal/day diet and told her to limit fluids to 500 mL/day. After a week she had rhabdomyolysis, and nearly died. Bad diet advice doesn’t necessarily mean you just don’t lose weight, it can be very dangerous.

  11. and your immortal soul is imperiled

    Nah, you just need piss off some gypsies or, I don’t know, go fight some demons in a cave or something.

  12. My mother is one of the worst non-schooled, non licensed nutritionist what has ever lived.

  13. Is Michelle Obama a licensed nutritonist?


    Then she needs to shut her burgerhole and stop wagging her finger over how fat kids other than hers are.

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