Terrorism

DHS Sez: Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey Fryers Are Scary

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Let this be a lesson to all government agencies. You do not need a social media presence. Say it again with me, you do not need a social media presence.

turkey terror!

Because if you have one, the twentysomething guy you put in charge is eventually totally going to tweet this amazing freaky video about turkey fryers. And then some additional turkey safety tips. And then it's going to be a news story. And then we're all going to have to make jokes about how Department of Homeland Security overreach and unfried turkey must mean that the terrorists have won. And no one wants that.

See me talking about this important story and much, much more on Freedom Watch tonight!

What's that? You are a lazy bum and want me to embed the video? OK, here you go. Happy Thanksgiving:

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  1. Bah. I take my turkey fryer safety tips from only one person.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYkRF_FmD40

    1. Came here to say this. Safety videos without the pathos of Le Shat aren’t worth le shit.

    2. I’m going to leave you as you left the Butterball, cooking for all eternity at the center of a grease fire, burned alive…

  2. Turkey fryers are a great method to dispose of bodies. It just takes a while…

    1. no kidding jessie, err…i mean jeff

  3. Next up: DHS protects us from hot pizza cheese.

    1. If you don’t bake your turkey, the terrorists have won.

    2. As I read that comment, I burned my mouth on a lasagna mushroom.

      Need more DHS $$$!!!

  4. “Do you know who Goblox is? I will tell you who Goblox is. In the year 9595, a race of deformed turkey was genetically developed by chicken scientists as revenge against his bird brother. These turkeys would exit the womb doused in gravy; gravy filled with the giblets from a monkey. The French craved it, and, as a result, turkey became the only food source for France, which is now called RoboFrance 29. I was later killed by the chickens! So, of course, you can see why I’m angry at those chickens.”

    1. mmmmmm…gravey.

    2. This was thousands of years ago in the future.

    3. Frylock: Ahem. For the fellowship we have w–
      Meatwad: Hey, hey. Wait. What’s a fellowship?
      Shake: It’s a gay bar down on 9th. Aren’t you glad we’re thanking the Lord for a nautically themed gay bar?!

      1. “Are you serious? Carl–next door Carl–is a hyper-evolved chicken from the future?!?”

        1. In honor of White Indian:

          It’s a racist holiday. I stand in line with my martian brothers and celebrate casino-edness

          1. “I knew that. And that’s why I was sent here to erase his mind…and my mind as well. I had to be reformulated by rogue chicken scientists for the rebellion. They crafted my sleek turkey body which allowed for safe passage through the time rift. So, in summation: the bird comes with me…dead or alive.”

            1. I think your pop-culture references are the tops!

            2. Just say Jones or Smith or something. It don’t matter. None of this matters.

              1. My wife and I get so much mileage out of “It don’t matter… none of this matters” in normal, everyday conversation. Thank you Carl

  5. So many things wrong.

    “..partially frozen turkey..”; always completely defrost, no matter how you’re cooking.

    “..if you try to move it..”; is anyone really that stupid? moving a hot, sloshing, 30-40lb load? cmon.

    “Committ a Minute to Safety”; video was two minutes long.

    1. moving a hot, sloshing, 30-40lb load?

      I see the ATHF “Fellowship” quote is right on point.

    1. Everyone’s laughing, and riding, and cornholing except Buster.

      1. Tobias: “Am I… touching something?”

  6. I’m so glad that my hard earned money went to warning me not hurt myself doing something I wasn’t going to do.

    Your welcome, turkey fryers, for your public service announcement. Don’t say that I don’t care about your safety.

  7. It is clear that we must not waver in our war on turkeys. We cannot unilaterally withdraw from out turkey friers. Because then the turkey’s will sense we are weak and without resolve and the threat of launching a stuffing attack on a US city will be more than existential.

    1. A chicken in every pot. Two turkeys in every garage.

  8. “What’s that? You are a lazy bum”

    Is it that family is in town KMW or are you just out of Midol:) jk

  9. I don’t get the libertarian hate on this. They’re a department. They’re warning us about stuff that happens in the homeland, and it’s about our safety which is synonymous with security. They’re well within their mission parameters.

    1. I don’t get the Jewish hate on this. The SS is a department. It protects us about stuff that happens in the Fatherland, and it’s about our safety from undesirables which is synonymous with security. They’re well within their mission parameters.

      Heil.

    2. national security =/= personal safety. The fire dept would be best suited for these kinds of PSA’s; not the fucking DHS.

      1. I’ll try to be less subtle next time.

        1. FWIW, I got it.

  10. While the comments are cute, what I don’t get is the point. UL is not a government agency–it’s a private agency.
    On the other hand, why is the Department of Homeland Security talking about cooking turkeys, rather than defending us against Turkey. Or something…

  11. we’re all going to have to make jokes

    It’s like KMW can predict the future!

  12. UL is not a government agency–it’s a private agency.

    I blame the turkey fryer mayhem on the Department of Education. If Americans learned elementary physics …

    1. Displacement & What’s-Flammable 101

  13. Generic problem: Employee of a company transmits a human interest story from a company accout without disclaimer which tends to imply that the company has endorsed the content of the human interest story.

    Specific problem: Employee of DHS transmits a human interest story from a DHS account without disclaimer implying that the DHS is discouraging the use of turkey friers which is then picked up by the mass media.

    Someone’s ass will be royally chewed out. But since this is a goverment employee, there will be no real punishment.

  14. The only people that I know that buy turkey friers are all-grain beer guys that buy them after Thanksgiving at a deep discount.

    1. I’m thinking a turkey fryer would also work pretty well for making a bigass pot of homemade Pho. *adds to xmas shopping list*

  15. Holy shit, the DHS Twitter feed is updated frequently. With creepy, Big Brotherly stuff like “if you see something, say something” reminders. As though we don’t hear that often enough. Fuck you, Janet Napolitano, and fuck your little stooges wasting time updating your disgusting Twitter.

  16. Who the fuck cooks a turkey in a fryer?

    1. who dont ?

      1. Doubtful, conservatives like tradition.

  17. If you’re not afraid, Janet Napolitano is not doing her job.

    9/11 changed EVERYTHING!

  18. Q) What’s the difference between a turkey and former Enron adviser Paul Krugman?

    A) One of them is flightless and has a tiny brain, and the other you eat for Thanksgiving.

  19. Just caught a good swath of my scrotum in a zipper. Where the hell was the warning label?

    1. Is that the frank or the beans?

  20. Deep fried turkey is wonderful, the absolute best I have ever eaten. I have fried four of them over the years.

    I have to admit, though, that it freaks me out every time I do it; it is such a lethal combination of oil at nearly its flashpoint and open flame that I have decided not to fry any more birds.

    1. Weber kettle BBQ grill – the only way to cook the T-bird.

      1. Never tried that, but it is on my list.

      2. Got a Traeger this summer – did the turkey test on my co-workers Mon. All went well, will roast/smoke another bird tomorrow.

    2. I play hoops with a fire chief and he absolutely hates these fryers.

      According to him, idiots frequently decide to fry their turkey inside their garage because it is cold or raining. Then when the oil boils over instead of simply burning a big patch of grass up, the whole garage is a goner.

      I forwarded him the links and he didn’t see the humor at all.

  21. Look, there is a perfectly good explanation for this.

    Who actually reads DHS tweets?

    DHS employees. And the author.

    So…given what you know about say…I dunno…TSA screeners, just picture in your mind your typical TSA screener operating a turkey fryer.

    See? Makes perfect sense.

  22. What’s that? You are a lazy bum and want me to embed the video?

    What?!?! That is the last straw!!!

    I come here to read news and opinion because i do not have the skills talent or resources to gather it and produce it myself.

    Well i do not need to be criticized for that. In fact that is the whole point of why reason exists!!

    So go screw yourself and reason can go screw itself. I quit and am never coming back to this sadistic blog again!!!!

  23. Anyway, per the pic that is an oil spill and the province of EPA not DHS. The bureaucratic turf war that will ensue is sure to be as ugly as it will be hilarious.

  24. Wayne|11.23.11 @ 3:58PM|#
    “Deep fried turkey is wonderful, the absolute best I have ever eaten. I have fried four of them over the years.
    I have to admit, though, that it freaks me out every time I do it; it is such a lethal combination of oil at nearly its flashpoint and open flame that I have decided not to fry any more birds.”

    Yep. A bit tastier (if done right) than roasted and dangerous as hell. And if you need a government agency to tell you that, why, you *should* get injured. Or, eat blowfish and random mushrooms you’ve picked.
    Nope; it goes in the oven. I don’t need that sort of drama for some possible increase in flavor.

    1. “I don’t need that sort of drama for some possible increase in flavor.”

      That is why you fail.

  25. Turkey friers are especially dangerous for stupid people.

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