Animal Rights

Texas Sporting News

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A Texas law (PDF) that took effect yesterday makes it a Class A misdemeanor (punishable by up to a year in jail and a $4,000 fine) to manufacture, sell, buy, or possess "a gaff, slasher, or other sharp implement designed for attachment to a cock." Although this provision brings to mind a scene from Seven, it is not aimed at kinky sex toys; it is part of a bill strengthening the state's ban on cockfighting, a sport that is now illegal in every state. (Louisiana, the last holdout, approved a ban in 2007.) Even watching a cockfight is now a crime in Texas (a Class C misdemeanor, punishable by a $500 fine). By contrast, another new Texas law legalizes noodling, a sport that involves catching a fish by ramming your arm down its throat. If you participate in a noodling tournament, however, you should know that contestants who misrepresent the weight of a fish (by slipping some buckshot into it, for example) are committing a third-degree felony, which can get you two to 10 years in prison. For those who prefer shooting hogs from a helicopter, that also is newly legal in Texas.

[Thanks to Sam Rosenstein for the tip.]

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  1. I foresee people switching to watching hen fights.

    1. Better ratings for The View, then?

  2. Actually, the fish rams your thumb down it’s throat as it strikes at the thumb thinking it’s food. This however doesn’t change the silliness factor.

    1. Please do not ask how I know this…

  3. cock > hog > fish

    1. cock > hog > fish

      Bacon > anything, ALWAYS!!!!

      Plus all my married buddies tell me their wives hate the taste of cock.

      1. I once wanted to go into Chemical Engineering. I figured if I could find a way to make sperm taste like chocolate, I would be the world’s first trillionaire.

  4. Maimed and bleeding — but live — fish immediately disappear back into the water. No icky feelings of guilt like you get watching a bleeding, squawking cock.

    IOW, these laws are (still) all about the people, not the animals.

  5. At least the Ass Spark and Changed Man Bikini are still legal in Texas.

    1. Would you mind explaining how it is you’re familiar with this?

      1. See condom post from earlier today.

  6. …which can get you two to 10 years in prison.

    Suddenly the Lone Star State’s attempted imprisonment of those enjoying omgbuttsecks! doesn’t seem so much like their singling out the gays. They just like locking people up.

    1. (Today the role of they’re will be played by their.)

  7. Rings and posts are ok, though? How about tattoos?

  8. Even watching a cockfight is now a crime in Texas

    You mean like this?

    1. Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be clicking that link.

  9. THE URKOBOLD FIGHTS HIS COCK EVERY DAY. AND LOSES MOST DAYS.

  10. involves catching a fish by ramming your arm down its throat.

    Actually i think technically the fish rams its throat around your arm…

    But then again maybe i am remembering how it was described to me differently.

    1. I think it depends on the size of the fish.

  11. Well, you know what they say right? Everything is bigger in Texas

    http://www.being-anon.it.tc

  12. “A Texas law (PDF) that took effect yesterday makes it a Class A misdemeanor (punishable by up to a year in jail and a $4,000 fine) to manufacture, sell, buy, or possess “a gaff, slasher, or other sharp implement designed for attachment to a cock”

    My masochist girl friends are going to be very disappointed.

  13. For those who prefer shooting hogs from a helicopter, that also is newly legal in Texas.

    War on obesity!

    1. It gives “go hoggin'” a whole new meaning.

      1. I don’t know if there would be more or less regret when you wake up hungover in the morning…

  14. a gaff, slasher, or other sharp implement designed for attachment to a cock.

    I knew this line would be…um…. ‘red meat’ for the commentariat.

    ba dum, pshhh! Thanks folks, I’ll be here every thursday, please remember to tip your waitresses…

  15. Ramming your arm down an unwilling catfish’s throat would be quite a feat, particularly when it’s out of view in its burrow.

    As other commenters have pointed out, that’s not what noodling is.

    1. Close enough for Reason.
      How about that!

    1. Thanks, I’ve seen it once too many times.

  16. My next trip to PR will have to include a trip to the cockfighting arena in SJ, just so I can see what the BFD is.

    1. Oh it’s a scene, man.

    2. I bet the loser is gonna be the tastiest damn chicken you’ll ever eat.

  17. Some funny comments about cocks. I used to raise chickens and will again if the drought ever breaks(fresh eggs are the only REAL eggs just like yards birds have a completely different taste(to die for) than a farm raised chicken. I knew what they were talking about but got a good laugh thinking about designing something like that for a different type of cock. As for the guy who is seriously trying to tell people what noodling is, try to forget you ever read it and ask someone who actually knows.

  18. And by the way. For people who really don’t understand country living which would be just about everybody, I can guarantee that hunting feral hogs out of a helicopter will result in much worse animal cruelty than cockfighting. Shooting out of a helicopter will leave horribly wounds that aren’t fatal and if they are, will take a long time for the hogs to die. This is one of those things that people with too much money get pushed through our stupid legislators. Let’s make it a punishment by hanging for not allowing a death row case to be revisited for any reason. This is a person’s life, more of them innocent in this state than guilty to due to dept. of justice malfeasance and sheer greed by prosecutors. Just a year in federal prison would have save us all countless horrible things done to and with this country by Slick Rick and his predecessor, the Shrub. The shrub’s done every illegal thing you can think of yet he thinks anyone else doing it should be put to death or have some terrible amount of prison time. It was only his family that kept him from still being in prison, not to mention his brother who was obviously not charged in the S&L scandal(cheating people out of billions of dollars)back in the 80’s with other people not as heavily vested in it that went up for very long terms. Wait, what am I saying? The Bush family is “above the law”, right along with all those animals with guns and badges who protect them when the justice dept. isn’t. Just look how many charges Prescott had against him for aiding and supplying the Nazi’s and look how well the grandson learned to use Nazi laws for writing laws in this country against humanity in this country and for dealing with other countries. Small wonder the people all over the world hate the U.S. They definitely have no love for the U.S.

    1. very…….interesting.

      (reaching for defensive armament)

    2. “This is one of those things that people with too much money get pushed through our stupid legislators.”

      That’s not what helicopter hunting of hogs is about at all. Feral hogs in Texas are a serious, serious problem. They are an ecological disaster. Plus they are very dangerous to humans. A feral hog can easily kill a full grown man much less a child. The intent is to wipe them out completely. Hunting from the ground has been ineffective so that is why they are allowing helicopter hunting. It’s not about sport, it’s about extermination.

      1. Wild boars are nasty and tough. I remember as a teen, some of my friends were going boar hunting. One of them who’d never been said he was going to take his .22. One of my other friends, a good-ol-boy who’d been out plenty of times, said “Why? You want to piss it off before we shoot it?”

    3. Country living > wild hogs > legislature > death penalty > George Bush > Nazis > Why do they hate us? > That’s why!

  19. Oh, I forgot. The shrub is better than the rest of us in many ways and even better than his dad because he’s “born again” yet he can’t tell you s–t about the bible.

    1. deep breaths,

      “he’s not president anymore”
      “he’s not president anymore”
      “he’s not president anymore”

      breathe,

      now –
      “the new guy is worse”

      oh god he’s much fucking worse

      now breathe

      and go,

      “its not going to last forever, and dumb people are going to die”

      eventually youll calm down.

      1. oh god he’s much fucking worse

        You think so? I was thinking about 5-10% worse. Same shit, different party.

  20. My state rep took umbrage at my ridicule of the 2-10 yr vacation for misrepresenting a fish; jackass told me ‘we take our fishing seriously around here’. Of course it sailed thru on a ‘consent calendar’ which no one but those on the consent calendar committee bothered to look at. Idiots

  21. Well that’s just great. How am I supposed to do battle with my girlfriend’s dentata now?

  22. Funnily enough, I just watched a documentary about noodling on TV.

  23. up in Beverly Hills.

    But they weren’t nothing like one night down in Brownsville.”

    YooHa!

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