Dear Congress, Your Credit Application Has Been Turned Down

Why should the American people keep extending credit to Capitol Hill?


The Honorable _________
U.S. House of Representatives
Washington, DC 20515

The Honorable _________
United States Senate
Washington, D.C. 20510

Dear Mr. or Ms. _______,

Thank you for your interest in the American Public Trust's Gold Card credit program. Rest assured your application has been given thorough and careful consideration by the American people.

After reviewing the information provided in your application as well as your credit report, we regret to say that we are unable to extend you further credit at this time. The reasons for our decision are as follows:

(1) Inadequate income.Our records indicate that your annual income for the 2011 taxable year was $2,170,000,000,000. You have requested a credit limit of $17,000,000,000,000. These figures exceed the American Public's debt-to-income guidelines for credit issuance.

(2) Excessive spending. The receipts you provided indicate your annual expenditures for the 2011 fiscal year total $3,820,000,000,000, or $1,650,000,000,000 more than your total income for the year. The American Public prefers that its members of Congress maintain a positive or neutral rather than a negative cash flow.

(3) High debt utilization. Your credit report indicates that you have a credit limit of $14,300,000,000,000, and of that amount you have utilized $14,300,000,000,000, for a debt utilization ratio of 100 percent. Consumer banking industry guidelines recommend a debt utilization ratio of no greater than 30 percent for standard creditworthiness, and 10 percent for exemplary creditworthiness. A debt utilization rate of 100 percent meets our classification of "You're *&^%$#@! kidding, right?"

(4) High credit activity. Our records indicate you have credit accounts open with the Federal Reserve Bank of the United States, the Social Security Administration, the People's Bank of China, the Bank of Japan, the European Central Bank, the Bank of the Republic of Burundi, Bank Frick & Co. AG Liechtensteiner Privatbank, Quik-Cash Loans, Three Gold Balls Pawn Shop (Ann Arbor, Mich.), MyFast (Antigua), (Cayman Islands), Frank the bartender (Old Towne Tavern), and several members of the extended family of Salvatore "Sammy Meatballs" Montigliano of Montclair, N.J. While account activity threshholds vary by lender, your activity exceeds American Public guidelines for further credit issuance.

(5) Multiple recent credit inquiries. Records indicate your credit report has been accessed more than 6,437 times in the past 60 days. Inquiries may be triggered by applications for credit, employment or both and represent one factor in determining an applicant's loan risk to a credit issuer. The Fair Credit Reporting Act (FCRA), as amended, requires businesses to have legitimate grounds for requesting your credit history. If you feel your credit information is inaccurate or has been accessed for unacceptable reasons, you may wish to contact the Federal Trade Commission.

(6) Multiple account charge-offs. Balances left unpaid for more than sixty (60) days may affect your creditworthiness. Your credit report indicates unpaid balances from Operation Iraqi Freedom (Iraq); Operation Enduring Freedom (Afghanistan); the Troubled Asset Relief Program; the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act; the Children's Health Insurance Program Reauthorization Act; the Cash for Clunkers Extension Act; the Worker, Homeowner, and Business Assistance Act of 2009; the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010; and others too numerous to list.

Member of Congress, please understand that the American people's decision was based on information obtained from a report from one of the following three consumer credit reporting agencies: Equifax, Experian, or Trans- Union. The reporting agency did not make the credit decision.

You have the right under the amended Fair Credit Reporting Act to request a free copy of your credit report once each calendar year from each of the three major credit reporting agencies listed above. You can order your report from or the Annual Credit Report Request Service, P.O. Box 105281, Atlanta, GA 30348-5281.

You may also wish to contact a consumer credit counseling agency. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling can help you locate a reputable counseling agency in your area. You may also wish to visit the NFCC's website for helpful tips on such subjects as

•drawing up a budget
•living within your means
•saving during tough economic times
•steps to take when your finances get out of control

In the event that you can provide documentation of changes to your credit status, we will be happy to evaluate another application for credit from you at that time. We hope to have the opportunity to meet your credit needs in the future.

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact the American people during regular business hours. Please do not contact us at home. If you call us after 9 p.m. and wake the baby, there will be hell to pay.

Sincerely yours,

We the People

A. Barton Hinkle is a columnist at the Richmond Times-Dispatch. This article originally appeared at the Richmond Times-Dispatch.

NEXT: Tyler Cowen on The Declaration of Independents: "This is the up-to-date statement of libertarianism"

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  1. nice pile of cash you have there that we’re willing to borrow and pay interest on. sure would be a shame if something devalued the shit out of it.

    1. A. Barton Hinkle Heimer-Schmidt
      Hey, that’s my name, too
      Whenever we go out
      The people always shout
      There goes A. Barton Hinkle Heimer Schmidt

      1. Thank you

  2. Nice – but you forget a primary factor: never refuse a “loan” to the person who has the most guns, jets, missiles, tanks, Seal teams, predator drones, hydrogen bombs, F-22 Raptors…

    1. So loan them money, or they will blow us away??? That’s what the mob calls “protection.” Time for the people to wake up to the biggest mob rackett on the street. THE US FEDERAL GOVERNMENT

  3. Max|6.24.10 @ 3:29PM|#

    Go suck ron puals dick, morons. You peeple are fucking retarded. I`m done coming to this wingnut sight. this is my last post.

    1. Promise?

      1. Yes…..and as valid as all the other promises.

    2. I’m experiencing d?j? vu.

  4. Gee I wish I had a monopoly on the usage of violence, then I’d never have to worry about bad credit!

    1. It’s more of an “overwhelming advantage” than a “monopoly”.

      1. At first, I thought you posted that comment as GE.

        It certainly would have been appropriate, especially speaking from experience.

  5. Sir, if one comes with better iron, he shall become master of your gold.

    1. And after that?

  6. Nice letter, but here’s something more along the lines of what the American Public will really say:

    Another trillion? Umm, okay. What time is American Idol on?

  7. Too fucking perfect!

  8. It seems the boys at NOAA are worried about spending cuts. This is how the seeker of weather information is greeted at their home page:

    NOAA’s weather programs touch the lives of every American. Every day, decisions are made based on NOAA weather information ? from the mundane “should I pack an umbrella today?” to the most critical and potentially life-saving.

    With the mission to protect life and property, and enhance the United States’ economy, NOAA’s National Weather Service is the sole official voice of the U.S. government for issuing warnings during life-threatening weather situations.

    If the government didn’t tell you it’s raining, nobody would!

    1. Explain to me why private companies couldn’t provide *all* weather information. Then explain to me why the would corrupt it to kill Teh Childrun and steal $$$ from Ten Peopul.

      Tony? Sacre Bleu!? I’m officially waiting.

      1. why *they* would corrupt it

  9. this is my last post.

    And it comes with a double-your-money-back guarantee.


    This seems appropriate for some reason.

  11. Let’s not forget the fact that republicans are holding the US economy hostage in this matter, and their terms are, as Newt put it, establishing “right-wing social engineering.” The debt ceiling is a pointless relic. I don’t care as much if you are for counterproductive austerity policies, but it’s just dishonest not to admit that beneath the underpants of responsible fiscal policy is you jizzing over the possibility of demolishing the welfare state so millionaires can be unchained from the oppression of being taxed at the lowest level in 60 years.

    1. These social programs are not the default state of human existence. Getting rid of social engineering programs is not social engineering on your part.

      It’d be like going to see an old black and white Western, where the bad guy slaps the good guy’s girl, and the good guy steps in and they get into a fight where the good guy beats up the bad guy. Now you come running in claiming that the good guy is the one responsible for “assault and battery” for putting a stop to the original assault and battery.

      Makes no sense.

      1. The status quo is a pretty good point of comparison. You can’t weasel your way out of responsibility for the horrors that your policies inflict with semantic bullshit.

        1. What horrors? Please cite. Housing crisis doesn’t count: the banks are in bed with the Fed (almost a hundred years, now), and allowed for a bubble that spun out towards the rest of the economy when it popped.

        2. Pointing out the fact that entitlements didn’t exist one hundred years ago is “semantic bullshit”?

          Only if you looked those words up in the libtard dictionary, my friend. Might I recommend Merriam-Webster’s? It’s generally considered more reliable.

          1. But getting rid of social engineering programs is, in fact, social engineering. There is no such thing as no policy! Again, you want to slap a bumper sticker that says “freedom” on your policies and thus exempt yourself from responsibility for any consequences. There is no Edenic natural state of a 21st century economy.

            1. Getting rid of social engineering IS NOT SOCIAL ENGINEERING, you idiot. You’re one taking the position that social engineering is the Edenic Natural State of man today, not me. The social engineering you libtards have birthed is a massive disaster, bankrupting countries all over the world, much as it did when your ilk tried it in the USSR, North Korea, Cuba, Zimbabwe, etc, not some government instigated policy which is saving mankind from himself.

              The arrogance and retardation of you commies is breath taking to behold. No matter how many times Pappy Marx has been shown to be a dunce and a simpleton, no matter how many times his game plan destroys everything, you morons keep pushing it.

              I long for the day when we develop reliable means of shooting you people off to another planet, preferrably in another galaxy. Probably be the only thing that saves this one.

            2. Hey guys, give Tony a break.

              He also believes that not buying a product is engaging in commerce. It isn’t that much of a stretch to believe reversing social engineering is actually social engineering.

              Here’s a few more tautologies that are probably bouncing through Tony’s head:

              WAR IS PEACE
              FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

              1. You’re trying to tell me that completely upending the status quo and changing every single person’s life in the country is not social engineering?

                1. Ugh, no Tony, what *everyone* who has replied to you has said, in a nutshell, is that undoing social engineering is *not* the same as social engineering. It’s about as insane as saying by stopping the holocaust, we are implementing social Darwinism.

                2. Tony –

                  If terminating social engineering programs is “social engineering,” then is blowing up a bridge “civil engineering”? Or turning off a computer “computer engineering”?

                3. You’re trying to tell me that completely upending the status quo and changing every single person’s life in the country is not social engineering?

                  You’re such a fucking drama queen.

    2. Because as we all know, those rich bastards did nothing to earn their money and all of the poor people that it should go to did.

      1. Some may have “earned” their money, according to some arbitrary moral standard of earning. Others surely didn’t. Who gives a fuck?

        1. I give a fuck. But then I’m no thief, like you.

          1. Should we add a level of bureaucracy to the IRS to act as morality police, so we can be sure that we are taxing people according to how much they actually earned? Or do you just assume that everyone with money earned it?

            1. 47% of Detroit adults cannot read. Please, let’s have more of your glorious social engineering.

              1. What does outsourcing all of our manufacturing have to do with my policies?

                1. Your unions took care of the outsourcing. Your welfare policies created an army of single parent homes, where the mothers work the system to get as many checks as they can, and make little effort in education their children. I know, my wife worked for two years administering a disability program in Ohio. The parent(s) didn’t even know their kids’ teacher’s names.

                  1. So unions not acquiescing to third-world salaries is responsible for outsourcing jobs to third-world countries. What a vision you have! Might free trade policies with little or no minimum standards have something to do with it?

                    Show me numbers, not stale old anecdotes, that show that welfare leads to parents being lazy assholes. Might the downward pressure on wages also have something to do with the cycle of poverty that includes poor education? You want to claim that if we just got rid of the safety net, people would be motivated to go find jobs that don’t currently exist. That’s a lot of entrepreneurship (finding a job that doesn’t exist) you expect out of people who apparently are too lazy to send their kids to good schools (that don’t exist in their area).

                    1. There’s more to it than union wages. Union work rules. A worker has a quota to meet in 8 hours. If he meets it in 4 hours, he can goof off for the rest of his shift. That’s why Detroit is a wasteland, and Toyota, Nissan, and Honda aren’t needing bailouts. The Clinton welfare reform already shot down your other point. Having a time limit on their social hammock caused the welfare queens to alter their behavior.

            2. Perhaps we could call this new bureaucracy the Ministry of Production

              1. Is that like the Ministry of Silly Walks!

        2. Providing a service is what is done to earn money. Offer what people want, and for which they are willing to pay, and you will earn money. To get that money to purchase services, you will need to provide a service to someone. This stands in sharp contrast to the socialist society, where one simply whines about some need, refuses to provide services to others, and demands to receive services from others. This is one of the many reasons why free markets are moral, and socialism is immoral.

    3. While jackasses like yourself implore us to “we should go back to the Clinton level of taxation” you never seem to want to go back to the Clinton level of spending. Hell, even the Clinton level of spending adjusted by population growth.

      No you would just fucking jizz in your panties if we just handed over ever last hyperinflated penny to the “wise government employees” (your mileage may vary if the wise government employee happens to be a latina) for the government to give us everything that we need.

      Face it Tony, the reason why you are willing to suck at the government teat is because you are such a pathetic incompetent.

  12. republicans are holding the US economy hostage


    That’s what’s happening, by golly.

    1. I need that debt, man. I fucking NEED it! Come on, have a heart, brother. I can’t make it without it. Score me some debt and I promise I’ll do better… jobs… productivity… ALL that shit man, just give me what I need ONE MORE TIME!!

      1. It’s called an auto title loan, brother.

  13. I wonder…if it is so easy for Tony to classify people based on socioeconomic status, does that also mean it is easy for him to classify people based on race?

    I’m sure Tony would be all for apartheid if he lived back in the day. I could see him now…trying to tell us that individual liberty does not matter because our society needs blacks to be lesser people or in slavery. He’d probably throw this slugger out there: “Slavery is a sign of civil society. We need slavery.”

    1. So are you comparing the wealthy to slaves? The people who are BY DEFINITION the most privileged members of society?

      1. The most privileged members of society are politicians and government workers. No other group is given immunity from prosecution like they are. They are given special honour titles, one cannot call these arseholes by their first name, one has to call them your honour or mr president, utterly feudal. They are held in awe like no other group of people, you and most others lick their behinds everyday in reverence. They determine which cities must get bombed and they determine who is to be killed today.

        1. And to stop Tony in advance, the wealthy can be protected from prosecution for their crimes…but they have to go through government or government services (such as paying off police) to do it.

      2. Just because it’s cushy slavery, with a large degree of autonomy, doesn’t mean it’s not slavery.

        1. Actually there is a rather large difference between being a slave and being a wealthy person in the U.S. If you don’t think so, why should anyone take you seriously about anything?

          1. Let’s see, I’m what Obama considers “wealthy” and I have worked 80-100 hour weeks for decades, given up time with friends and family, risked my family’s financial security to invest in my business, and contributed greatly to job creation, charity, and the community. My hard work and sacrifice has made it possible for others to receive regular checks for doing nothing, while not trying to improve their prospects by getting training, education, or even applying for work, while not even contributing in a volunteer capacity or by keeping their community cleaned up, and while harboring an attitude that the profit from my labor is owed to them. How is that not slavery again?

            When fifty percent of the country is owned by the government and expected to work long hours to support and pay for all services for the other fifty percent, that’s a form of slavery. When there is a need for more revenue and the fifty percent who are already paying for everything is asked to pay more instead of asking those who contribute nothing to give even a little of their sweat, that is slavery.

            Grow up, Tony.

            1. No, actually, even if your description of the tax situation in this country remotely resembled reality, it would still not, in any way, resemble slavery. You sound like an idiot. The fact is our tax code is nearly flat–maybe a hair progressive, if you count all taxes and not just the income tax, which is something people do who want to be dishonest and make stupid claims like the wealthy are slaves.

  14. In a sense, yes, I was comparing the weathly to slaves.

    Both slaves and the wealthy seem to have this stigma to them – people think they have to be “put in their place”, as if they did something inherently wrong just by existing.

    But that wasn’t what I was aiming for, really.

  15. The correct solution is to cut spending so that the limit is not reached, not to trigger some arbitrary number at which we may fail to pay some bills and endanger our credit rating which could cost us more than Stimulus I and II combined and with nothing to show for it.

  16. Make a neat, professional looking PDF of this and I’ll send a hard copy to each of my congress-critters.

    1. Count me in, too.

  17. Hehehehe. Brilliant and witty. I would LOVE to send this to my congress people. 🙂

  18. Been saying this for years . . .

    General Services Administration
    Washington DC


    November 5, 2010

    Dear Sir/Ma’am

    Every so often someone either contracted by the procurement office of the federal government or the federal government itself contacts my office in an effort to ask me to sign up, and bid on government contracts. For the past 15 years or more, I’ve said no on behalf of my company because by engaging in such an endeavor would leave my company at risk to a legislature and/or a President who would not know a “widget” from a “what’s it” if their life depended on it. Not to mention the caliber of federal employee that I would be forced to deal with on what would become a monthly basis.

    There exist another problem though. I cannot in good conscience extend the federal government credit. It appears that your operation is $1.7 Trillion in deficit, and $14 Trillion in debt, and as such represents an extreme credit risk. If you would like to render payment in either Gold, Silver, or some other hard asset, arrangements will be made for there secure transfer prior to any shipment of goods.

    Be advised, as soon as your credit situation improves we will reevaluate, and we will then be able to except notes from the federal reserve as payment.

    Therefore, your request to have my company bid on any government contracts has been denied.

    Thank you for time and attention.


    Joe Doakes

  19. Obama has a plan just in case the debt ceiling is not raised – here is his leaked memo:…

  20. That’s “Sally” Meatballs.

  21. This is total BS. It is total fallacy to act like it is wrong to borrow more than one earns in a year. People and companies do it all the time. Credit rests on the value of assets and ability to make the payments on the loan. Most borrowing is done to insure the borrower is able to take advantage of things that pay back far more than a dollar for every dollar borrowed. The lenders, we the people, share in the returns by investing for a profit.

    What an idiot.

    1. It is not wrong to borrow more than you make. We all do it to buy a house. But we don’t do it EVERY YEAR! That is what is wrong. Most of us buy a house with 20% down and spend 20-30 years spending LESS THAN what we make to pay off the debt. The Congress wants to buy a house every year and never pay off the debt! Could any of us get that kind of credit? Just what ‘assets’ are you referring to – the Washington Monument, C5 transport planes ?? These are not liquifiable assets.

      Goodbye Aer-hole!

    2. Umm, except that when government spends a dollar, it most certainly does not get more than a dollar in return. Which is why we are consistently overbudget…you can’t really be that moronic, can you?

    3. Yeah, blowing up several huge fucking credit bubbles over the last 30 years hasn’t had ANY negative consequences for our economy.

      Do you even smell what you’re shoveling here?

  22. Slow news year?

    First I read of several reason contributors taking better jobs elsewhere (I don’t come here enough to keep tabs on how many), then tripe like this is on the most read section.


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