Cop Plays Mock Assassin at High School


I really liked this book when I was in junior high

Yesterday my two-year-old daughter participated in a drill at her preschool designed to maximally deal with a hostile intruder on school grounds (the kids' role was to basically lie down, keep real quiet, and await instructions). One of my colleagues was alarmed by the existence of such an exercise, but given the setting here I'm more than fine with a little worst-case prep. Especially if it doesn't involve a cop posing as an armed lunatic who asks for a student by name:

Several Stephenson County sheriff's deputies helped with the drill [at Orangeville High School], said Chief Deputy Todd Welch. This is the first time the sheriff's department has assisted with a drill of this kind at a school. The mock scenario involved an "armed intruder," played by a deputy, who entered the school, fired a cap gun, and asked for a specific student. Other officers arrived on the scene and "arrested" the intruder. […]

the student who the "intruder" was searching for, fled school grounds and had to be located and brought back to school.

NEXT: False Forbearance

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  1. the student who the “intruder” was searching for, fled school grounds and had to be located and brought back to school.

    If that kid isn’t immediately arrested for truancy, I’ve lost all faith in govt.

    1. How about the student suing the sheriff’s office for causing emotional distress?

    2. Is it OK if we just shoot the kid’s dog?

      1. This shows the failure in the cops planning, they didn’t realize that kids are not allowed to bring dogs to school. The next drill will involve “rescuing” the kids at home so that they can watch their pets being shot.

      2. Nah, we vote that we light his sister on fire with a flashbang grenade and shoot her. But only if she is black.

  2. Aw, hell. It sounded like a great idea in the squad room.

    1. I’m a cop you idiot!!!

      1. You are? Then I guess you’re the one to tell this one:
        One summer 25 or so years ago I saw 3 guys outside the front of my house with black clothes, sidearms and carrying long arms, putting on black watch caps. I called the police, grabbed my .30-30 and went out the back. From cover I announced they were trespassing on posted land, lay down their weapons, lie down, keep quiet and wait for the police.
        When the police got there we all found out they were police. They were cutting across my property for a mock raid on the junior high through the woods. Though they were very nice about the whole thing, I found it all very disturbing. Their outfits weren’t marked and nobody thought it necessary to inform me what strangely-dressed armed men were doing on my land.
        The thought horrifies me, had they acted so aggressively like cops often do now, I could have ended up shooting one or more of them before knowing they were cops.

        1. Yeah, had that happened in 2011, at least one person would be dead.

  3. Hell, I’m still “alarmed” at the concept of schools for two-year-olds.

    1. ^^THIS^^ We institutionalize children from birth now.

      1. Do they get chips now? Like the electronic dog license implants?

      2. They said it was the only solution to get me needed professional help to save me from the enemy: myself.

        1. “All I wanted was a Pepsi”

          1. And to watch the World Series.

          2. Detective John Kimble: I’m the party pooper

      3. We’re going to play a wonderful game called… “Who is my daddy and what does he do?”

        1. (jumping out of closet)


    2. If I recall correctly, didn’t the Spartans separate children from their parents at birth and raise them in common houses?

      1. Yes. They were raised to be sociopaths. They would take the meanest of them and turn them loose to pray on the slaves, no kidding. And at the end they would be put in a room with a table full of food. The object was to steal as much food as possible from the table while some adult beat the shit out of you and several others.

        1. This is madness!!!! This is SPARTAAAAAAAA

        2. Sparta never built walls aroud its city precisely because every male was in the army and they where crazy – they figured they didnt need walls.

        3. and turn them loose to pray on the slaves

          That actually sounds kinda nice.

      2. Detective John Kimble: No more complaining. No more “Mr. Kimble, I have to go the bathroom”. Nothing!
        Detective John Kimble: There *is* no bathroom!

    3. If I recall correctly, didn’t the Spartans separate children from their parents at birth and raise them in common houses?

      1. Only boys and starting at age seven.

      2. Someone watched 300?

      3. More of an anti-Sparta, since we’re teaching the kids to cower. Odd, since we plan to continue invading the rest of the f’ing planet w/ those kids after they turn 18.

        1. It’s not odd when you realize they are training them to shoot first and never ask questions.

        2. Spartans cowered to their own oligarchy. Militant violence does not equal independence.

      4. Detective John Kimble: Oh, come on…
        Detective John Kimble: Stop whining! You kids are soft. You lack discipline.
        Detective John Kimble: Well, I’ve got news for you. You are mine now. You belong to me.

    4. It’s glorified daycare, don’t be alarmed.

      1. THIS!!!!! IS!!!!! GLENDALE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!!!!!!!

      2. I’m surprised you had to clarify that, it seemed obvious. Wait, actually I guess I’m not that surprised.

      3. It’s glorified daycare, don’t be alarmed.

        That’s what I call grades K-8.

    5. my two-year-old daughter participated in a drill at her preschool

      Maybe Matt meant to write “pre-pre-pre-school.” When I was two, “preschool” was a cage in the living room while Mommy exercised with Jack LaLanne. I don’t think he was the real Jack LaLanne. But we digress.

      1. You’re mommy did the horizontal bop with Jack?

        1. It was exercising!

          1. It certainly was! The Power Juicer’s got nothing on her!

    6. My reaction as well. Americans are crazy.

      By any chance, is it mandated that “schools” for small kids are to be manned by teachers? Because that might explain why Americans are so eager to put small kids into schools. I could imagine the teacher unions pushing for putting kids into school at earlier and earlier ages, “for the children”, and for their own employment of course.

  4. See, the squat team guys I know ran those drills at an abandoned high school in the middle of the night, and used adults volunteers to stand in as distraught, unruly students.

    You know, instead of scaring the shit of pre-schoolers…

  5. (the kids’ role was to basically lie down, keep real quiet, and await instructions).

    Am I being overly sensitive in reading this as “In an emergency, cower and wait for the government to show up”? Not that little kids could do anything, but is this type of indoctrination really necessary given the unlikely event of an armed lunatic?

    1. Kids need to learn what to do if the terror level ever reaches Deadfall or Wicker Man.

      1. *rushes to consult swatches*

        1. We just went from Alert Condition Amaranth to Alert Condition Puce!

    2. The earlier you teach them to blindly obey authority the better your chances are at squashing any thoughts of liberty or individuality.

      1. Exactly. And to learn early to respond without thinking to all fear-mongering. That way they will fit in nicely in our society.

    3. Probably better advice then telling them to get under a desk if a nuclear weapon goes off nearby.

        1. Given my age and shitty backwater elementary school, I was actually shown that in class.

      1. Actually duck and cover was not bad advice. A Hiroshima sized device only completely destroys the square mile or so around the blast. There is a much bigger area that is only partially damages and buildings are left standing and the biggest danger will be flying debris and glass.

        In contrast, everyone lying down and waiting to be shot is about the worst thing to do when confronted by a deranged gun man. The best thing is for everyone to run and take their chances. Harder to hit a moving target under stress than you think.

        1. It was not bad advice for Hiroshima. In 1976, it was a ghoulish joke. Anything thrown over the Arctic Circle at Fort Knox, Fort Campbell, Louisville, Evansville, the Rockport Power Plant or any of the other juicy targets surrounding us would have stripped the flesh off our bones.

          1. Depends on where you are. But to look at the other half of this, it is typical and completely insane to tell kids to “lie down, keep real quiet, and await instructions” in a Columbine type situation. If the guy is there to kill people, there is nothing easier than shooting people laying down. If the whole school breaks out into mass chaos with every kid making their way as best they can to an exit, he will still get some, but he won’t get as many. But the idea of children doing anything without being under the complete control and supervision of the authorities, even running for safety from a deranged gunman, is a possibility to horrible for the typical educrat to contemplate.

            1. I agree with all that.

              I went through something a little like this when I was in third grade. There was report that two escaped and armed convicts where near my isolated school. I remember huddling under desks and this one kid threw up and they had us duck-walk to another room. After a few hours, the carefully inoculated fear drained away and it was mostly just boring.

              1. That is funny. What possible good did they think huddling under desks would do?

                1. They didn’t think they would invade the school (this would have ’78), but they though they were hiding out in the woods near the school, and would, for some reason, take a potshot at the school. So they turned off all the lights and had us get under our desks. Not a terrible plan of action given what they knew at the time. Of course, the guys were caught 50 miles away. And I didn’t get home until 6:30.

                  1. Detective John Kimble: It’s not a tumor!

                  2. Did you at least get snacks? Blood-sugar and all.

                    1. Strange that you should ask. Because my clearest memory of that day was the teacher cutting up one of those giant pecan logs so we could all have a piece. Ugh. I eat one of those every few years to remind myself how awful they are.

                  3. So they turned off all the lights and had us get under our desks. Not a terrible plan of action given what they knew at the time.


                    I would think the first place an escaped convict might go would be a desolate building until nightfall. Making the school look desolate was probably a bad idea.

            2. Especially since the cops who responded to Columbine were too freaking scared to do anything but cower behind their cars and piss themselves until SWAT showed up. How many extra people did those two boys kill because cops needed to wait for their bigger badder brothers to show up?

              1. Well Kristen, juicy public pensions can’t be “earned” by dead, albeit heroic, officers.

              2. It’s a lot easier to enter the house of an innocent civilian.

          2. The kids who didn’t get under the desks wouldn’t have any bones left. They might have left cool negative images of their silhouettes on the walls though.

            1. I’m a little jealous of you old folks. I went to middle school during Columbine so that was the “scare scenario” pounded into our young little skulls. Nuclear holocaust is so much cooler than misanthropic gunmen in trenchcoats. Suffice to say, scaring little kids works and adults will do it forever.

          3. “You know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro!”

            1. Don’t be a pussy, Milbarge.

      2. Thats actually sound advice. It’s based upon how people survived the progressives’ last century nuking of Japanese non-combatants .

        1. [..] the progressives’ last century nuking of Japanese non-combatants .


      3. And the better advice is? Maybe walk outside, breathe deep, get a few body piercings from flying debris, and start collecting 750 rads/hr?


    5. It goes along with the rest of puplic schools when the children are taught that the government employed teacher reading from a government mandated curriculum is the basis of what is true and false and right and wrong.

      1. The opening classroom illusion in Serenity always comes to mind when I think of public schools these days.

        1. Government-indoctrinated Student: Reavers aren’t real.
          Better-informed Student: Full well they are.

    6. The government is not involved in our preschool. The “show up” person is a school authority.

    7. This is known as “The Virginia Tech. Solution.”

  6. Jesus, at least in the military we preface drills w/ “exercise, exercise, exercise” so as to not have people doing stupid things, like running away. Drills in HS have some validity, but preschool?!?! Come on. Staff only exercises would seem to be sufficient.

    1. I live in Washington, D.C., and the school has an exponentially higher chance of being target of attack than your standard daycare facility. Also, it’s my kid.

      1. Matt, I don’t think people are really arguing that there shouldn’t be any training on this.

        I think the point is that this was a monumentally stupid way to do it.

      2. I’m with RC Dean that the point is the school in the story went about it with monumental stupidity.

        And as to you deciding to teach your kid to protect himself in an age-appropriate manner, good for you, man! Even my 13 year old has had a hand in putting together her emergency kit (“Bug Out Bag”) for several years now. She knows how to use everything in it, knows where she should go if she needs to leave the house, and we have practiced it.

  7. I really liked this book when I was in junior high

    Explains a lot.

  8. Y’all ought to hire an illegal alien to watch all those Reason rug rats.

  9. I’m waiting for the details to come out on how the lucky target student was chosen.

    1. Lucky indeed to be scared straight at such an early age.

    2. Unfortunately for Nerd Nerdleman, after all those years of developing a tight group of friends that inoculated him from the teasing he had endured throughout his childhood, the spotlight was unexpectedly shown on him one fateful May. Three years later, tragedy struck the Orangeville Police Department.

  10. what would really happen is a guy with a gun would walk into a school. The cops would show up and cower behind thier car as people get shot inside.

    1. But if a mad dog ever attacks a school, they will be ready.

      1. But if a mad dog ever attacks a school, they will be ready.

        Mad dogs are too dangerous to confront. Best to wait until they have fallen asleep with a full belly of toddler.

      2. It’s always a mad dog, why never a happy dog?

        1. If every policeman in the country was out to murder you, how happy would you be?

          1. I’ve had this happen plenty of times when I played GTA. I was pretty happy and I had a tank.

            1. Please leave me out of this one.

    2. Maybe someone could tell them that someone inside has a video camera trained on the cops inside.

  11. Parents were notified by phone via a school reach notification system between 9 a.m. and 10 a.m. the day of the drill.

    “Do not reply to this automated message.”

  12. the student who the “intruder” was searching for, fled school grounds and had to be located and brought back to school.

    I give that kid an “A”.

    1. I was going home for my Glock. Do I still get the “A”?

      1. Make that an A+

    2. No shit, right?

    3. They were able to locate him, so 10 points off. B+.

  13. I’f I missed any good Kindergarten cop quotes please let me know

  14. Do I still get the “A”?

    With a “plus”.

  15. Of course, the overwhelming majority of school snatches involve a person known or related to the child, who goes to the office and says, “I’m here to pick up little Jimmy for his doctor’s appointment” or some such thing.

    But that’s boring.

    1. And 99% of the child molestation in this country is by someone the kid knows. It almost never happens with a stranger or with their biological parents. But who wants facts?

      It is Nancy Grace’s world Brooks. We just live in it.

      1. It is Nancy Grace’s world Brooks. We just shit in it.


  16. The “targeted” kid who fled the school should be awarded his diploma now. He/She is clearly much smarter than everybody else in that building.



  18. Other officers arrived on the scene and “arrested” the intruder.

    Suuure they would.

    Although I don’t know which is worse:

    (1) Armed lunatic unopposed in school until he/she commits suicide, leaves, or falls asleep.

    (2) Band of SWATties roid raging through a school with automatic weapons.

    Tough call.

    1. I dunno. There’s a chance the lunatic might have a lucid moment and stop the whole thing. Not so with SWAT.

  19. I have an idea, why not play “We believe in the Second Amendment” and let the teachers and parents bring guns to school.


  20. Wow thats kinda crazy when you think about it but in todays age its necessary I think.

  21. It’s great that the parents were informed the morning of the event, so as not to have the choice to opt out.

    Buncha fuckin retards.

  22. Those damn lacross players. Always getting into trouble.…

  23. What will be interesting is what is said at the school meeting tonight. What do you want to bet that there will be a pile of admin supporters, and only a couple dissenters. Of course, the only dissenters that the local media will speak to are the nut cases. Any person who can calmly and succintly express a negative opinion about the “drill” will be completely ignored by the administration and the media.

  24. there will be a pile of admin supporters

    “I feel SAFER! Would somebody please check my purse for a bomb?”

  25. This drill was approved by me, Hillary and former Ill. Senator, now President Obama. We consulted with Mass. AG Martha Coakley and she thought it was a swell idea.

  26. Damn, right-wing fundamentalist dickheads arresting kids for carrying a penknife in their lacrosse bag. Oops, they don’t exist in Maryland, so we can blame the leftist nanny-state fuckheads once more.

    1. C’mon now, I watched THE WIRE and I know it’s those filthy Republicans in Annapolis.

  27. “the student who the “intruder” was searching for, fled school grounds and had to be located and brought back to school”

    “…he was later cited for truancy.”

  28. And if you crazies had your wet dream of legalized guns in school, that cop might have been killed by a gun-toting student or teacher.

    1. Shooting a deadly intruder seems like the appropriate response. I would’ve called the drill a success.

    2. Unless the staff had been warned in advance, this would strike me as open-and-shut self-defense.

      Hey cops! Don’t wanna get shot in self-defense? Don’t do stupid shit that makes people think they need to shoot you.

  29. “the student who the “intruder” was searching for, fled school grounds and had to be located and brought back to school”

    After they got him some dry pants.

  30. Of course the police were really just there to get a look at their future aggressors. This caught my eye this morning and was good for a laugh.…..erability/

  31. the kids’ role was to basically lie down, keep real quiet, and await instructions

    This seems to be the unstated goal of the mental attitude toward authority propagated by public schools.

    1. We are pleased that you made it through the final challenge where we pretended we were going to murder you. We are very very happy for your success. We are throwing a party in honor of your tremendous success. Place the device on the ground, then lie on your stomach with your arms at your sides. A party associate will arrive shortly to collect you for your party. Make no further attempt to leave the testing area. Assume the ‘Party Escort Submission Position’ or you will miss the party.”

  32. Why are these drills necessary? Schools are gun free zones, after all.

  33. Why are these drills necessary? Schools are gun free zones, after all.

  34. Great alt-text.

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