Steven Seagal: Lawless Lawman


Earlier this afternoon I blogged about Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and bloated action hero Steven Seagal raiding a suspected cockfighter (cockfighting manager? cock manager? cocker?) with a tank and a SWAT team. If the story wasn't already outlandish enough for you, you're in luck.

Seems that Seagal told local media that he was piloting tanks and smashing doors with Arpaio's crew while "on loan" from his deputy position with the Jefferson Parish, Louisiana, Sheriff's Department.

Not quite.

According to beefy action film star Steven Seagal's former "boss," Jefferson Parish Sheriff Newell Normand, Seagal is not "on loan" from Jefferson Parish, as Seagal asserted recently after a massive MCSO raid on a home in Laveen, where one—count him, one—suspect was nabbed for his alleged involvement in raising roosters for the purposes of cockfighting.

Indeed, according to Sheriff Normand, who once played host to Seagal's A&E reality series Steven Seagal: Lawman, the tough-guy Akido master resigned rather than face an internal affairs investigation by the JPSO into allegations of sex trafficking and sexual assault raised in a 2010 lawsuit by an ex-employee…

In her lawsuit, ex-swimsuit model Kayden Nguyen accused Seagal of sex trafficking and creating a hostile work environment by groping her and making unwanted sexual advances toward her.

The complaint, which has since been dropped, stated that she was hired through a Craigslist ad to be Seagal's executive assistant as Seagal filmed his reality show in Jefferson Parish, just outside of New Orleans.

But Nguyen alleged that, "what the production company really wanted was an `Attendant' to provide sex on demand to Mr. Seagal…"

Supposedly, she was to take the place of one of two female Russian masseuses, as one of them had recently left Seagal's employ.

The lawsuit is bursting with salacious details, all of which Seagal's lawyer has denied to the press, claiming that Nguyen had been fired from her position for illicit drug use. (No criminal charges were ever filed in the Seagal-Nguyen case.)

More at the Phoenix New Times. Seagal appears to be attempting to embody every bad cop cliché all by himself.

(Thanks to Kelly James for the tip.)


NEXT: The Book of Mormon

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  1. Fucking awesome. Theater becomes reality. Becomes…reality TV. Or something.

    I miss Mad TV’s imitation of Seagal. I can’t think of the guy who did him…it was dead nuts.

    “On loan from…” my pretend gig with the “law enforecement professionals”. Or not. AWESOME!

      1. That’s it! Thank you. SO dead nuts. Sasso also did a great The Rock (Duane Johnson)…”…the Rock has forgotten his lines…”

        1. Sasso also did one of the funniest skits I’ve ever seen on MadTV, the bit about ’70s-era Elvis on tour trying to remember the names of his band as he introduced them to the audience, whacked-out on all the chemical indulgences Elvis was whacked-out on. Drop dead hilarious.

          1. All his Kenny Rodgers skits (once he went from playing Kenny pretty straight to the ultra-insane Kenny) are fucking hilarious, with the Kenny Rodgers’ Jackass at the top of the list.

            Also, his DeNiro is unbelievable. The skit where he and Frank Caliendo walk into the ice cream shop as DeNiro and Pacino, respectively, is awesomely funny…and nothing happens except them talking.

            1. And here is the ice cream skit.

              1. Was SNL ever as good as Mad TV?

                1. No. But really early MadTV was only so-so. Around 1998 it really started cooking. That cast was the shit.

                2. Was SNL ever good? How they survive and Mad TV doesn’t is beyond me.

            2. Yeah, he nailed the DeNiro shit. And “Kenny Rodgers’ Jackass” nearly made me piss myself.

              1. Fucking DeNiro and KR – YES! I miss that show. Way funnier than SNL ever was.

                1. Debra Wilson and Nicole Sullivan as the “latina” friends…my sister and I used to just die laughing at that. Phil Lamar as the UPS guy. Hilarious.

                  1. Nicole Sullivan was incredibly talented. Could never understand why her career went nowhere.

    1. Speechless.

      But entertained.

    2. Was he wearing the fringed suede jacket while he was driving the tank through the wall to get the one chicken farmer.

      1. I hope he gave a big speech afterwards about the environment too. 🙂

        1. My wife and I watched “On Deadly Ground” a couple weeks ago. Why? I don’t know…insufferably pompous. “Fire Down Below” – same movie, different state.

          Steven, just keep giving us “Marked for Death” and “Under Siege 1/2” and STFU with the environment/politics bullshit.

          1. Steven Seagal: One of the few men alive who make Jean Claude Van Damme’s acting abilities look like Marlon Brando’s.

            1. Man, you know what was a good movie? TimeCop

              1. Don’t forget Double Impact!

                1. I tried to watch Universal Soldier once, and I couldn’t make it through the first 20 minutes.

                  1. The newest one, Universal Soldier: Regeneration, is actually quite watchable

                2. “Twice the Van Damage”

                  1. +1 for funny
                    -1 for off topic
                    +1 for doing it anyway


            2. Kumite! Kumite! Kumite!

            3. Best fight scene ever. Van Damme in a brawl to the death(sudden death that is!) with Iceburgh the giant penguin mascot.

              “Watch out for that meat slicer Van Damme!”

          2. Credit to Seagal’s handlers… the majority of his pre-Straight-to-Video* movies had excellent casting. Henry Silva, Pam Grier, Kurtwood Smith, William Forsythe, Michael Fucking Caine, R. Lee Ermey, Billy Bob Thornton, Eric Bogosian, Tommy Lee Jones… they’ve all shared scenes with Steven Seagal. Oh yeah… Jimmy Cliff was in “Marked For Death”.

            * excellent three-word title for a future Steven Seagal movie: Straight To Video.

          3. My friends and I watch Steven Seagal movies all the time, while drinking heavily. The one and only rule is “drink whenever something ridiculous happens”. I’m not sure how we make it out of those nights alive.

          4. Marked for Death had an excellant soundtrack. Would like to find an MP3 of Jimmy Cliff’s “No Justice”.

          5. Ha ha. Marked for Death was on TV last night. Yeah, I flipped past it.

        2. From On Deadly Ground

          McGruder: Who the fuck is he?
          Michael Jennings: You wanna know who he is? Try this: delve down into the deepest bowels of your soul. Try to imagine the ultimate fucking nightmare. And that won’t come close to that son of a bitch when he gets pissed.

          1. Wow. Even “Billy Jack” had better dialogue.

            BILLY: You know what I think I’m gonna do, then, just for the hell of it?

            POSNER: Tell me.

            BILLY:I’m gonna take this right foot, and I’m gonna whop you on that side of your face. And you wanna know somethin’? There’s not a damn thing you’re gonna be able to do about it.

            POSNER: Really?

            BILLY: Really.

            (Whopping commences)

            1. Steven Seagal movies are an immense guilty pleasure of mine. One of the highlights of a Steven Seagal movie is when one of the bad guys informs the rest of the goons that they’re “up against the best”.

              None other than R. Lee Ermey had this to say in On Deadly Ground:

              Stone: My guy in D.C. tells me that we are not dealing with a student here, we’re dealing with the Professor. Any time the military has an operation that can’t fail, they call this guy in to train the troops, OK? He’s the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire! You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush, and tomorrow afternoon he’s going to show up at your pool side with a million dollar smile and fist full of pesos. This guy’s a professional, you got me? If he reaches this rig, we’re all gonna be nothing but a big goddamned hole right in the middle of Alaska. So let’s go find him and kill him and get rid of the son of a bitch!

              1. ^^this^^

                I don’t know how R. Lee delivered that with a straight face, but he did it.

                1. Because R. Lee Ermey is the God that Chuck Norris could never, in all of eternity, even with his cancer-curing tears, be.


                  1. Jesus Christ, I think he’s got a hard-on!

  2. Nguyen alleged that, “what the production company really wanted was an `Attendant’ to provide sex on demand to Mr. Seagal…The lawsuit is bursting with salacious details

    Radley should be working for Nancy Grace and HLN. The War on Women? needs a few good men.

  3. Nguyen alleged that, “what the production company really wanted was an `Attendant’ to provide sex on demand to Mr. Seagal…” The lawsuit is bursting with salacious details.

    Nancy Grace is looking for a few good men, Radley.

  4. Aside from everything else that’s bad about Steven Seagal, Aikido is a fucking fraud.

    1. B-b-b-but: Morihei Ueshiba!!!

      1. Just make sure not to run at him and wildly chop, and you’ll be ok.

        1. Isn’t every Seagal fight scene like two extra gay guys trying to slap one another, but not soo hard (heh) as to hurt one another?

    2. What was the movie where the guy says something like: “Oh yeah, well I’m a blackbelt in kachunk”

      and the other guy mystified says, “Ka-chunk?”

      he says, “yeah, *pumps shotgun, making kachunk noise*”


      Or something like that.

      1. Not ringing any bells. I do remember the ancient Scottish art of FUUK YOOO, though. “FUUK YOO!!!” *headbutt*

  5. Seagal, go away. Just fucking disappear. I doubt anyone will miss you.

  6. Let’s see: in his first movies, Seagal usually played an ultra-violent, lawless cop. Today, Seagal plays an ultra-violent, lawless cop.

    Anybody seen Ritchie?

    1. I tell ya he ain’t nothing without that gun and that badge.

      1. This is your trophy…this is your trophy! Come and get it.

        1. Fuck his fucking eye out!

    2. I’m sorry…..

      Life imitates art….

      I fucking said I was sorry.

  7. What would be the result of a cosmic mashup of Barney Fife and Charlie Sheen?

    I give you… Steven Seagal

  8. I remember seeing John Leguizamo on some talk show and he was talking about his part in Executive Decision. He mentioned “a certain action movie star” who was also in the movie who got real butthurt when he learned his character dies in the first act. He demanded a re-write, claiming his legion of fans would not be able to cope seeing their hero die.

    Leguizamo wouldn’t say the actor’s name, but he made it plain he was talking about Steven Seagal.

    Also, in spite of Seagal’s presence, Executive Decision is a pretty decent movie.

    1. Maybe Seagal went home and took out his frustration on Kelly LeBrock.

      1. He probably didn’t take it out on his stuntmen after he allegedly got choked out and wound up shitting himself. (My favorite Seagal story, btw)

        1. Segal alleged broke Sean connery’s wrist on the set of Never Say Never Again. He was a stunt trainer at the time.

          Also this book:…..1845769279

          My brother-in-law gave it to me and that alone has made a lifetime of marriage to his sister worhtwhile.

          1. The link shows Segal CD’s too!

            He oughta run for President ‘n shit.

    2. – “Executive Decision is a pretty decent movie.”

      That’s because it’s got Kurt Russell in it. And Kurt Russell is The Man. Plus, Halle Berry is real pretty an’ shit.

      1. Plus, IIRC, Seagal gets blown away early on.

    3. I have friends in the movie industry, and they have told me stories about Seagal that make me believe just about anything about him. Such as knocking on his trailer door to show him something, hearing him say, “come in”, and walking in to discover him being orally serviced by his “assistant”, and when you say, “uh, I’ll come back later”, he says, “No, stay and show me now.” No lie.

    4. I have friends in the movie industry who have worked on Seagal movies and tell me stories that make me believe the other stories I hear. You might knock on Seagal’s trailer door with something to show him, and you might hear him say “come in”, and then you might walk in to discover him being orally serviced by his assistant. And if you say, “Uh, I’ll come back later”, he might insist that you stay and show him whatever it was right then. No lie.

  9. Since this is about Segal, why does the title only have two words? Has the author forgotten about the Steven Segal Rule of Three? How about Lawless Lawman Screwed?

    1. Three words after “:”

  10. What part of

    The complaint, which has since been dropped…

    Don’t you understand.

    I know the whole fucking your secretary makes for good press, but when you run a story about someone you have sympathy for, you hope that the charges are dropped.

    Maybe it’s all bullshit and thus the charges were dropped. Fucks up the meme, but you have abide by the truth.

    1. maybe she got paid off. Maybe she was in such fear of a brutal beatdown with a cue ball wrapped in a dish towel that she backed out.

      who knows the mind of an exectuvie assistant/whore?

  11. So a friend of mine in Arizona might have made the ultimate comment on the Maricopa sharif (not the Seagal part):

    Muammar al Arpaio

    1. I prefer Joke Arpiggo. “Pig” as a term for a bad cop (not just any cop) deserves more circulation in the American vernacular.

  12. You dirty bastards!!! Steven See gal is an American hero who beats the shit out of bad guys. He has saved America single handed like on more than a couple of occasions. Why do you people hate A merca!!!

  13. Anyone else see Segal in the Onion movie?


  14. Aikido is a fucking fraud.

    Have to disagree. I’ve never trained with an aikido sensei who wasn’t very clear on the fact that aikido is not what you want to bust out for a street fight. One of the two big bosses of aikido in the US (and his wife), both recommend guns for self-defense.

    I loved my aikido training, and wish I had a good dojo where I live now. But I never met anyone who studied it for fighting. It occupies its own space – part meditation, part martial arts.

    1. Agreed. I have trained in a variety of martial arts and my experience with Aikido is that the techniques generally don’t work with an aggressive and resisting opponent. The art is poetic in its own way.

      1. the techniques generally don’t work with an aggressive and resisting opponent.

        Two thoughts:

        (1) If you’re really, really, really good, I think they would probably work just fine, because:

        (2) Empty-hand aikido has a lot of aiki-jutsu, only you’re supposed to stop just before the other guy’s joints unravel. Somebody who is really aggressive or resisting is likely to suffer permanent damage when they hit the wall on an aikido/aikijutsu joint lock.

  15. The only thing that could top this would be for Seagal to euthanize the chickens with his bare hands and film it. Of course, since fighting roosters may fight back, they probably just shot them.

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