Government Spending

Social Security, Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog, & Alan Simpson: Ultimate Enema Man Remix


[Click above to watch "Social Security, Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, & Alan Simpson: Ultimate Remix]

It's easy to laugh at former Sen. Alan Simpson's bizarre malapropisms on Your World With Neil Cavuto. The Wyoming Republican appeard on the Fox News show earlier this week in his capacity as co-chairman of Barack Obama's National Commission on Fiscal Responsibility and Reform. Early on in the segment (watch the whole interview here), Simpson went on a tear about the kids these days, claiming that

grandchildren now don't write a thank-you for the Christmas presents, they're walking on their pants with the cap on backwards listening to the enema man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg…

Well, maybe. Yes, it' easy to laugh because it's funny to see an old man make a jackass out of himself. Especially when he's a senator (speaking of which, have you heard the one about Buffcoat and Beaver?)

But what's more disturbing than Simpson's tenuous grasp of rap music and youth fashion (backwards-facing baseball caps are like so 1990s, dude!) is the guy's stalwart defense of Social Security. The senator had gotten hot under the collar about the ways in which budget reforms inevitably get stalled by people demagoguing the question of entitlement spending. Each party, said Simpson, claims that the other is planning to gut the nation's federalized retirement system. Perish the thought, says Simpson. His commission wasn't trying to kill Social Security. On the contrary:

"We're not cutting Social Security – we're trying to make the stuff solvent for 75 years! And young people say, 'Well, I know there won't be anything there for me; I'm not worried about it.' Well, I tell ya, when you waddle up to the window at 65 and you put 6.2 percent of all your jack in that thing, you're gonna want something back!"

That right there is the problem: Social Security is a sinkhole for anybody under 50 or thereabouts, a plan that is financed via payroll taxes amounting to 12.4 percent (split between employer and employee) on the first $107,000 of income (precious few Americans will ever reach that level). The expected rate of return on the money that gets dumped into your account? Back in 2003, the Cato Institute's Michael Cannon wrote that the inflation-adjusted annual rate of return was a whopping 2 percent for workers retiring then "and that future retirees will receive even lower rates of return."

Which is to say that those of us not set to retire for 20 or more years are being screwed royally by a system that was created during the depths of the Great Depression for a population that rarely lived past 65 years, routinely worked until they dropped dead, and that had barely heard of mutual funds.

Forget for a moment about the impossibility of long-term viability for a pay-as-you-go system in which fewer and fewer current workers pay for greater and greater numbers of retirees and focus instead on those horrible rates of returns bought at 12.4 percent of salary. Unlike actual retirement plans, Social Security gives us no say over where our money is invested and it comes with no ability to transfer to an heir or other beneficiary (other than spouses in certain circumstances and at reduced rates). It can't be willed to our kids or our favorite charity. It discriminates against blacks (who die younger than other Americans) and gays (who can't marry legally under federal law) and screws over children who might otherwise inherit some small pile of cash when a parent dies. It takes money from the relatively poor (the young) and gives to the relatively rich (the old, who have spent a lifetime accumulating assets). It isn't even a sure thing: The 1960 Supreme Court case Flemming v. Nestor established that the government doesn't owe anybody anything when it comes to Social Security. If all that doesn't add up to an immoral system, then what does?

The main arguments against getting rid of Social Security and replacing it with something/anything different are that it's all some people have to live on and that the costs to transition out of the current system would be too huge. Take the latter argument first: The government is constantly spending money it doesn't have without a second's thought. It will find the necessary cash to make whatever payments it thinks necessary. As for truly needy retirees: We can provide for them easily enough from the general treasury (which is where payroll taxes end up anyway).

Americans are not stingy people when it comes to private charity or paying taxes. No one—not even The Enema Man or Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg or the kids walking on their pants—wants to see older people starve or scrape by on cat food. But for relatively well-off retirees, why should young people sacrifice for them? That's a near-complete reversal of the natural order in which parents sacrifice for their children. Indeed, who admires parents who feed themselves first?

Alan Simpson and his fiscal commission co-chairman Erskine Bowles are to be commended for suggesting serious cuts in various aspects of the federal budget in their group's final report. But far from trimming the fat that has accumulated over the past decade, when outlays increased by over 60 percent in real dollars, the commission's recommendations would increase federal spending by $1.6 trillion over the next decade and rely on revenues equal to 21 percent of GDP (a level never reached in U.S. history).

Sen. Simpson's continued valorization of Social Security and his save-it-at-all-costs mentality is unfortunately widely shared among the power elites in American society. But its rationale is in fact as laughable as his mutterings about music and the kids these days.

"Social Security, Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dogg, & Alan Simpson: Ultimate Remix" was created by's Austin Bragg. Text by Nick Gillespie.

NEXT: "Way to almost ruin Mad Men for me, guys."

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  1. His “continued valorization of Social Security and his save-it-at-all-costs mentality” did, however, include lots of recommendations for reducing its payouts. If that’s a “save-it-at-all-costs mentality,” I struggle to think what you’d call the people that don’t propose any cuts in it.

  2. It’s easy to laugh at former Sen. Alan Simpson…

    Fun, too.

  3. It’s too short! lolz

  4. why is the old man the one making a jackass of himself? Sounds like the rap artists and the emos and the rock stars with weird shit in their face and tattoos all over are the ones making asses out of themselves.

    Not saying all rap is bad… but the dress & acroutrements, mannerisms, and what have you is just as stupid with rappers as it is with all the other modern music artists – anybody normal shmoe who actually takes up any part of those lifestyles/motifs is showing he’s at least a little bit of an ass

    then again most people don’t, the entertainers are just doing their job as entertainers

    1. You sound old, dude.

      1. You better get off his lawn, dude.

        1. lulz

          I want recordings of Clint Eastwood’s voice for my alarm system – that’d sure as hell scare any burglars away

      2. I’m 25

        it’s not a matter of age, it’s a matter of not being a jackass. Covering your skin with gray shit makes it look like you’re covered in shit, stabbig things through your face is stupid, and makes it look like you have shit stabbed through your face, mohawks look like shit. It’s common (fashion/presentability) sense.

        Everybody in my generation needs to be beaten with thick oak rods just to smarten em up a bit.

        1. Everybody in my generation needs to be beaten with thick oak rods just to smarten em up a bit.

          I’m interested in your ideas, and would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

          1. That’s funny every time?!

    2. Rap sucks!

  5. wants to see older people starve or scrape by on cat food

    I’ve always hated that bogus idea–canned beans at the Aldi or the dent and bent store are way cheaper than cat food and more nutritious.

    Old people are old, not stupid.

  6. “wants to see older people starve or scrape by on cat food”

    Well not old people generally, but my mother-in-law? Most definitely.

    1. I can’t hide the cat food bowl enough for daddy not to find it and empty it. I credit Special Kitty for him making it to 83.

  7. snoop’s the shitz

    1. No, no…

      He’s the shiznit.

      …or if you’re from the west coast?

      He’s the shinizzle.

  8. Yet during the recent Senate hearings Simpson called it a Ponzi scheme. I think he’s just going along to get along and not really defending the ill conceived socialism security system.

  9. Social Security is a compact between generations. We geezers paid for your great-grandparents. Now it’s time for you to pay for us. We deserve it, so pay up and quit bitchin’. And, get off my lawn.

    1. On re-reading, perhaps I should have put a sarcasm tag on the above.

      1. No I got the joke. Your puppet troll was over the top enough to be read sarcastically.

  10. If all that doesn’t add up to an immoral system, then what does?

    A government of limited, enumerated powers, that refuses to fund my hobbies, that’s what!

  11. “It discriminates against blacks (who die younger than other Americans)”

    Really now? This is interesting. I would love to see this “effects-based” definition of racial discrimination applied to, say, reductions in programs that aid low-income Americans with food and housing.

    Righties are oh-so-defensive about being called “racist” because they support policies that just-so-happen-merely-by-coincidence to hurt black people a lot more than white people, but then they play the race card on the first shuffle when Social Security privatization is on the table.

    Libertarians mix this up a bit by acknowledging the racist predicates of the war on drugs and gun control, but when it comes to “redistributing the wealth” (gasp! I’m getting the vapors just contemplating it!), any reference to the racial implications of a more threadbare social safety net is waved off as a cheap politicking.

    Enough. Make up your mind on this sh!t and stick with it, boss.

    1. It’s an appeal to liberal values, not ours.

    2. I’ve made up my mind. You’re shit, you can can stick to my boss.

    3. Righties are oh-so-defensive about being called “racist” because they support policies that just-so-happen-merely-by-coincidence to hurt black people a lot more than white people, but then they play the race card on the first shuffle when Social Security privatization is on the table.

      That assumes the welfare state has been kind to or is beneficial for African-Americans — or anyone else, for that matter.

  12. is for suckas.

  13. If it is such a bad program why does it receive support from 3/4 of the American people? Why do even young people support raising payroll taxes to maintain benefits? Why do poll after poll after poll say people don’t want large cuts to benefits?

    I guess maybe you are out of touch.

    You will be paying FICA taxes until you die … deal with it 🙂

    And my guess when you turn 62 you will be pushing other seniors out of line to get yours first … you seem like that kind of person!

    1. Do you oppose cutting SS benefits for the say the top 30% of wage earners?

    2. Wait are you Hannity’s side kick?

    3. Also i should point out that military spending has similar support in polls.

      Yet no one blinked when Obama (a president with negative approval numbers i might add) cut spending on military spending on the F-35 alternative jet engine program.

      The Republicans didn’t even blink.

      Spinning the cuts is as easy as spinning the spending. The choice to put the political spin only on spending is the problem…polls are not the problem.

    4. Because 3/4 of the people are bleeding ignorance.

      Paying till FICA taxes till I die? Nope, its called under-the-table pay, I will not be forced to pay anything even if it means adjusting my lifestyle.

      If I was forced to pay into it, I would be pushing to get my money back, I’d be an idiot not to, fact is I have paid very little into it through working the system to get back what I had paid and under-the-table work.

    5. Social Security will be long gone by the time I’m 62. I’ve pretty much made peace with the fact I’m going to die in poverty because my parents stole my retirement from me.

      Baby Boomers. Worst generation ever.

      1. Does that mean you won’t be coming to the freak-out? You’d dig it the most if you just gave it a chance…

      2. Amen, sister…

  14. They need to bring back Celebrity Deathmatch!

    I want to see Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog go one on one with a Vatican assassin warlock.

    1. Good gravy, Poop Dog appears to have filled His Holiness’s censer with Mary Jane!

      1. I thought the warlock’s spells were getting a little more phsychadelic, Johnny! The audience seems to love it, but I don’t think this was the sort of ‘Hail Mary’ he intended to lead…

    1. Enema Man is Alan Simpson’s lover, Larry Craig.

    2. No, it’s Tony…

  15. Social security discourages savings.

  16. Autotune the News without Autotune just isn’t as funny.

  17. “The taxing power of the Federal Government, my dear; the taxing power is sufficient for everything you want and need.”

  18. on the first $107,000 of income (precious few Americans will ever reach that level)

    Mr. Inflation sez ohai.

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