Russia

"Europe's Last Dictator"

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A Quinn/Martin production

Most of us tend to forget about squalid dictatorships like Belarus, only to be reminded when the stupid and brutal ruling clique decides that, in order to squeeze financial concessions out of its neighbors, a Potemkin election must be staged. In the fine tradition of the Soviet "election," dictator Alexander Lukashenko, who looks like the heavy in a Quinn/Martin production, managed 80 percent of the vote, once again proving that undemocratic thugs just don't know how to make it convincing. (In the last fake election before the U.S. invasion, Saddam Hussein won 100 percent of the vote). When the world balked, he pronounced an end to "senseless democracy" (as opposed to actual democracy, which never existed) in Belarus.

And he means it. According to a report from the AP, seven of those who ran against Lukashenko have been arrested and are facing 15 year prison sentences, one of whom was beaten unconscious and then snatched from his hospital bed by the Belarussian KGB (yes, they still call it that). Hundreds of protesters in Minsk were beaten and arrested after protesting the election results:

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  1. Europe has such a poor class of dictators today. I miss the bygone era of Franciso Franco; now there’s a man who knew how to make totalitarianism fly.

    1. This dude has the makings of a good Bond villain. Put Kate Beckinsale in something tight, and you’ve got instant boxoffice.

    2. I’ve been reading about Franco, and I think he gets a bum rap. He saved Spain from Stalinism, kept them neutral in the war, saved quite a few Jews from the Nazis, oh and by the way wrote a democratic Constitution to be implemented after his death. A country could do a lot worse.

  2. If I’m ever a monstrous dictator, I’m going to have little kids vote for me just like that. What a fantastic fuck you to the whole nation.

    1. Well, you’re already monstrous, so you’re halfway there.

      If I were dictator I would only allow the retarded to vote, and ply them with gift…oh wait, that’s our system. My bad.

      1. I hope your plane goes down. Think about me just before you hit, will you? Thanks.

        1. Congratulations…you are a full stalker now. You must be so proud. And on top of it all, you’re a completely ineffectual one. Impotence must be a bitch.(sad face)

        2. Warty’s dictatorship would have awesome uniforms and an even awesomer soundtrack.

    2. If I’m ever a monstrous dictator

      I would win my elections by about 55% of the vote. Not beat up and imprison my opponents and only go after reporters who claim the election was faked.

      If my opponents say the election was a fraud I would say they had sour grapes.

      Of course my dictatorship would probably be more liberal then most democracies….so it may technically not be monstrous.

      Well aside from the killing of reporters who call the elections I win, faked….that is probably pretty monstrous.

      1. If you are going to be dictator, there is no point in being wishy-washy. They’ll shoot you just the same when the peasants revolt. (Aren’t the peasants always revolting? – I’m with Johnny Hart on that one.)

        Nope, dictatorship is no good unless you go full tyrant: Secret Police, Nacht und nebel, Storm Troopers, Joyous Spontaneous National Celebrations of your birthday, palaces – one has to have several – larger than Versailles, etc.)

        I might throw in compulsory pornography classes in school just to distinguish myself from your run-of-the-palace autocrat, however.

        1. Nope, dictatorship is no good unless you go full tyrant: Secret Police, Nacht und nebel, Storm Troopers, Joyous Spontaneous National Celebrations of your birthday, palaces – one has to have several – larger than Versailles, etc.)

          I never said I would not have a secret police (i need someone to kill reporters)…but all that other crap just seems like vanity bullshit. How on earth would a celebrate me day hold me to power?

          1. Because you’d know that the ones who didn’t celebrate weren’t sufficiently afraid of you.

  3. Sounds like they need the power of the Tea Party Movement. Heck, the place is already called White Russia.

    1. Hey, watch it man, I have a *beverage* here!

      1. Dammit. I should have gone there for my “White Russian” joke. Didn’t even think of that.

  4. Wow I never even knew the county existed…

    Eastern Europe though. I wonder if their women are hot.

  5. On the video at the 00:35 mark in the right part of the screen is Nick Gillespie’s long lost brother helping to get an injured protester into an ambulance.

    1. Holy shit, you’re right.

  6. It says something about the shitty news channels we have here that Moynihan had to get a French report about the “election” in Belarus. I guess they were too busy trying to find the next 4Loko scare story or get upskirt shots of whoever replaced Britney Spears.

  7. Great reference to Q/M. You’re dating yourself a bit with it, but still a very nice allusion.

    1. Actually, for me, he ruined it by thinking that Mr. Martin was two people. Maybe he was confusing him with Goodson-Todman, Heatter-Quigley, Hatos-Hall, Hanna-Barbera, Ruby-Spears, DePatie-Freleng, et al.

    2. a Quinn Martin production

      Great, now I really feel old, thanks!

  8. Belarussian KGB

    How do you pronounce that?

    Is it like saying Bella Rushian? or is it like saying “Belaroosian”?

    1. I believe it’s “Bellarushian”. You don’t say “Roosian”, you say “Rushian” (Russian). At least, that’s my logic.

      1. I agree. If it was Belaroosian it should be spelled Belarusian with one “s”.

        Also, looking at the countries location, why didn’t Moynihan make any reference to Dr Doom? I am disappointed.

  9. Totally unrelated, private possession of handguns in Belarus is prohibited.

  10. “Europe’s Last Dictator”

    ?

    When did Putin become a cuddly democrat?

    1. Russia is Russia, not really Europe or Asia.

    2. When did Putin become a cuddly democrat?

      Technically as the “continent” of Europe is a racist fantasy anyway (here be white poeple) one is allowed to move the line around depending on the conversation he/she is having.

  11. Shouldn’t that be 2nd to last dictator, Herman Van Rompuy President of the European Council wasn’t elected by the public

    1. Too bland.

      1. European christian-democrats are the worst. Really, if you ever come across one, beter check your wallet hasn’t been stolen after he has lectured you on morals and values.

        1. Exactly. If I’m going to have to live under an iron-fisted tyrant, I want one with a sense of style, not a beige EUrocrat presiding over a dictatorship of boredom.

    2. Hmm then should Sepp Blatter be an honorary dictator? He’s got everything but the country.

    3. Bernie Eccelestone also has dictatorial powers.

  12. It’s interesting — the British government is being just as oppressive, using the cops to beat up and arrest people who don’t agree with the authority. But you haven’t really brought it up.

  13. Yeah, but Belarussian citizens have the right to free health care. Why can’t the US be as progressive as Belarus?

    Oh, and Ruslan Salei.

  14. Caption time:

    “You gonna get raped”

  15. I like staged elections. They are good for democracy

  16. According to a report from the AP, seven of those who ran against Lukashenko have been arrested and are facing 15 year prison sentences, one of whom was beaten unconscious and then snatched from his hospital bed by the Belarussian KGB (yes, they still call it that).

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