Jerry Lewis Wants to Spank Lindsay Lohan

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It's Friday and I'll get to the litany of was-the-stimulus-too-small-dammit stories every bit as stale as the donut I just ate in a bit.

But first, as the MDA Labor Day Telethon descends upon the nation like the Sphinx upon Thebes, a word from Jerry Lewis regarding America's biggest threat to domestic tranquility. By which I mean Lindsay Lohan:

"I'd smack her in the mouth if I saw her," he offered the interviewer when asked what he'd do if he saw Lohan. "I would smack her in the mouth and be arrested for abusing a woman!"…

"I would say, 'You deserve this and nothing else' … WHACK! And then, if she's not satisfied, I'd put her over my knee and spank her and then put her in rehab and that's it."…

The curiously in-the-know actor, 84, said stars like Lohan and Paris Hilton are "begging for help."

"What they're saying is, 'I'm f*****d up, can you please help me!"…

"I think they need a f*****g spanking! And a reprimand!" he said. "It has nothing to do with [money and fame], it has to do that they have the intelligence of a box of rocks. A bag of snails will give you better answers than those people. I think a great deal of it is ignorance and crying for something other than love."

More here, including video of Jerry pronouncing f*****g exactly like it sounds!

In 1999, Brian Doherty and I, writing as Lartin and Mewis at Suck, penned an unironic tribute to the real King of Comedy, who has long been denied his rightful place at the head of the table of Last Supper of yukmeisters in the post-war era. A snippet:

A spectre is haunting Comedy — the spectre of Jerry Lewis. All the Powers of Comedy have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this Jap-bashing, cripple-imitating spectre whose hair requires a visit every three months (or 3,000 miles) to the Bel-Air Jiffy Lube…. Despite the general dissing of Lewis as an embarrassing anachronism, we are all Jerry's Kids now.

Read the whole thing, which charts Lewis' vast yet unacknowledged influence, here.

Bonus video: 53 seconds of behind the scences footage from Jerry's lost epic, The Day The Clown Cried:

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  1. Cant say as I blame him, I would like to spank her too! What guy wouldnt?

    http://www.real-privacy.ua.tc

  2. Why do you get stale donuts? Is it perhaps because you refuse to pay your intern a decent living wage thus he or she delivers subpar breakfast treats as a clandestine revenge?

    Yes, that has to be it.

  3. *Outstanding* bonus video! I especially enjoyed 0:40 to 0:44.

  4. His performance in “The King of Comedy”, a very under-appreciated film was brilliant.

  5. You know what I call a Jerry Lewis fan?

    French.

    1. That idea comes from a few articles in Cahiers du Cinema that proclaimed Lewis an “auteur” for doing such films as The Ladies Man where the set was revealed to be obviously fake. This bit of Brechtian / Godardian reflexivity convinced the idiots at Cahiers that Lewis was a really unique filmmaker, and they wrote several articles about him. Regular French people don’t really give a shit about Lewis.

  6. You buried the lead. Who knew that Jerry Lewis was still alive?

    1. I’m shocked and diappointed.

  7. Hmmm,
    Throwing LiLo over my knee and smackin those taut buttocs does not sound like a bad idea.
    *pondering*

    1. I’m vexed that it took that long for someone to say that here. I’ll volunteer, too!

      1. When it comes to boring, vulgar, and obvious, H&R commenters have it in spades.

        1. How’s this?

        2. The irony, Tulpa, is that you are one of the regular H&R commenters, so your comment clearly applies equally to you.

    2. I don’t think they are taut anymore. She’s been living life the hard way…

      1. She’s not as hot as she was once, but it would still be worth it. Assuming the existence of prophylactics.

      2. More so than most women my age at least.

  8. we are all Jerry’s Kids now

    Some of us more than others (ad homonym).

    1. Is that the new tow the lion?

  9. Needs Lindsay Lohan pic

    She is in Machete which opens this weekend.

    1. Good enough to eat!

  10. What has a thousand legs and can’t walk?

    Jerry’s kids.

    1. In the Corps, anyone on crutches is referred to as a “Jerry’s kid”. As in “Make a hole! Jerry’s kid coming through.”

      I wonder what horrible term the Marines used for cripples before Jerry?

      1. Tiny Tim?

      2. I wonder what horrible term the Marines used for cripples before Jerry?

        GI?

      3. Midshipman? Ring knocker?

  11. Thanks, Lartin & Mewis. I never could figure out why there was such a longstanding bandwagon of dis to Jerry Lewis. Is it all from jealousy?

  12. Say what you will about Jerry. As frenetic and buffoonish as his act was, he was only acting the fool all those years.

    He’s wealthy, and more importantly in the the world he chose to conquer, he’s 84 and no one has to say “Jerry who?”

    As far as the loony Frenchies go, they might strike out a lot, but sometimes they clear the bases with one swing.

    Pardon me while I wipe croissant crumbs from my beard.

    1. Now go away, or I shall have to taunt you a second time…

    2. I have a lot of respect for the whole post World War II pre 1960s generation of celebrities, Sinatra, Crosby, Hope, Lewis, the rest of the Rat Pack. They always struck me as having a lot of style but still really knew how to party and live. The ones now are either just trailer trash, over grown college drop out lefties or both.

      1. I think my favorite thing is that Norman Fell somehow made it into Ocean’s Eleven. Who knew Mr. Roper was such a cool guy.

        1. No kidding. You know the kind of partying that went on during the making of that movie? I can see Fell on the set of Three’s Company watching Joyce Dewitt and Suzanne Summers snorting cocaine and going “amateurs”.

      2. Are you saying there’s something wrong with Aston Kutcher?

        1. Yes. Explain to me how a guy who is a 20 something sex symbol who could bang women the likes of which nearly every other man could only imagine, marries a plastic surgery victim twice his age. I could see banging her a couple of times so he could brag to his friends about it. But marry? WTF?

          1. Methinks he wasn’t breast fed.

      3. Oh, they were just as dysfunctional and chemically dependant as current celebrities, they just didn’t take it to the street. There were still these concepts known as shame and privacy then.

        And it didn’t hurt that they fucking invented cool.

        1. Exactly. I always look at Bing Crosby. The guy got stoned nearly every day, Owned Astin Martins, banged Grace Kelly among many others, was a gazillionaire, and died in his 70s of a sudden heart attack on a golf course in Spain. In terms of a worldly life, I don’t know that you can do it any better than that.

  13. Frankly, I think he may be onto something.

  14. Spy Magazine had an article about The Day the Clown Cried, talking to several actors who worked on it, and others who had seen it. The general consensus was that it was an attempt to understand what happened to people caught in the Holocaust – gone horribly wrong. The basic idea was somewhat similar to Life is Beautiful, except more tragic and maudlin, as the clown played a Judas Goat to little children.

    1. The Wiki entry on it is very interesting. Some things are just so bad, they can’t really even be described or written about in a normal way.

      1. If only it had come along sooner…maybe “The Producers” would have excaped their disasterous sucess and subsequent imprisonment with “Springtime for Hitler”

  15. When I was ten, my grandma took me to see The Patsy. Unforgivable. I despised him from that day forward.

  16. I find “spanking Linsay Lohan” an intriguing thought.

  17. A bag of snails

    I love that. I’m going to use it.

    1. *checks kitchen for garlic, butter and bread crumbs*

  18. I saw Jerry Lewis at the Kennedy Center in ’96. He was the devil in a production of Damn Yankees. In the middle of one of his numbers, he did a bit where he was supposed to catch a cane and everytime he missed he told a dirty joke. He told about 20 and it was one of the funniest things I’d ever seen. Wasn’t a fan of his goofball character and I’m still not, but that day I realized he’s probably hilarious to have a drink with.

  19. When I was a kid I used to hate Lewis.

    Then, as an adult, I watched The Nutty Professor for the first time, and I completely changed my mind. Whatever else he’s done, at least in that movie, he’s a fucking genius.

    Also his cameo in It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World isn’t half bad.

    1. The nutty professor is one big slam on Dean Martin. It is a genius movie. So is Whose Minding the Store.

      1. Others say it’s Frank Sinatra.

        I can’t say Jerry Lewis is my favorite funny-maker, but he’s damn good, and I’ve just never understood his low reputation in the USA. Supposedly he’s difficult or unpleasant to work with, but from what I’ve heard, seems that’s true of most big names in show biz. I’m finding out via youth football coaching that that’s a widespread problem in creative arts where you need to collaborate, because we all have our own artistic ideas and all want control.

        I’ve long thought that Mr. Lewis was quite heroic to do the telethons, because that’s such a touchy thing, which would make any big face vulnerable. How do you work on such a thing as a comedian without appearing to make fun of the sick — especially children with a terminal illness? You have to stay upbeat without becoming flippant, and do one of the hardest things in the world — sell. Selling a “product” that’s a real downer!

  20. The great thing about people who are old as hell- they don’t give a fuck.

  21. “Jerry Lewis Wants to Spank Lindsay Lohan”

    Who doesn’t?

  22. Hell, I spank TO her, so spanking her sounds good to me.

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