Jerry Lewis Wants to Spank Lindsay Lohan


It's Friday and I'll get to the litany of was-the-stimulus-too-small-dammit stories every bit as stale as the donut I just ate in a bit.

But first, as the MDA Labor Day Telethon descends upon the nation like the Sphinx upon Thebes, a word from Jerry Lewis regarding America's biggest threat to domestic tranquility. By which I mean Lindsay Lohan:

"I'd smack her in the mouth if I saw her," he offered the interviewer when asked what he'd do if he saw Lohan. "I would smack her in the mouth and be arrested for abusing a woman!"…

"I would say, 'You deserve this and nothing else' … WHACK! And then, if she's not satisfied, I'd put her over my knee and spank her and then put her in rehab and that's it."…

The curiously in-the-know actor, 84, said stars like Lohan and Paris Hilton are "begging for help."

"What they're saying is, 'I'm f*****d up, can you please help me!"…

"I think they need a f*****g spanking! And a reprimand!" he said. "It has nothing to do with [money and fame], it has to do that they have the intelligence of a box of rocks. A bag of snails will give you better answers than those people. I think a great deal of it is ignorance and crying for something other than love."

More here, including video of Jerry pronouncing f*****g exactly like it sounds!

In 1999, Brian Doherty and I, writing as Lartin and Mewis at Suck, penned an unironic tribute to the real King of Comedy, who has long been denied his rightful place at the head of the table of Last Supper of yukmeisters in the post-war era. A snippet:

A spectre is haunting Comedy — the spectre of Jerry Lewis. All the Powers of Comedy have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this Jap-bashing, cripple-imitating spectre whose hair requires a visit every three months (or 3,000 miles) to the Bel-Air Jiffy Lube…. Despite the general dissing of Lewis as an embarrassing anachronism, we are all Jerry's Kids now.

Read the whole thing, which charts Lewis' vast yet unacknowledged influence, here.

Bonus video: 53 seconds of behind the scences footage from Jerry's lost epic, The Day The Clown Cried: