Starfleet Commander Traficant: He's Not Really Dead as Long as We Remember Him…
Felonious former Congressman (redundant, I know) Jim Traficant won't be in the running for a House seat this fall. After spending years in the federal pokey, the man famous for his toupee and incessant quoting of Star Trek's "Beam Me Up" tag was trying to mount of a comeback against a former staffer who now occupies Traficant's seat.
The elections board in Trumbull County ruled that more than 1,000 of the 3,138 petition signatures that Traficant turned in were invalid. Signatures were thrown out because signers did not live in the congressional district or were not registered to vote, among other reasons, board director Kelly Pallante said. As a result, Traficant came up 107 signatures short of the number needed to make the ballot, she said.
Traficant's greatest "Beam Me Up" hits:
On God and Satan:
"When the U.S. Army allows Satan in one door and will not allow God in the other door, America is so screwed up we do not know where we are going. Beam me up, here."
On The Vagina Monologues:
"What is next? Rectal Diaries? Men are dropping like flies in America from prostate cancer and Broadway is promoting vaginal titillation. Beam me up."
On Old Glory:
"It is illegal to damage a mailbox, but we can destroy our flag. Beam me up."
On the Massacre at Waco:
"FBI autopsy reports confiscated of victims are now missing. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker."
On a Topless Visit to the Lincoln Memorial by the Lady Buckeyes Rugby Team:
"That is right, topless. The Lincoln Memorial became a strip joint. Bras were flying everywhere. Unbelievable. Now, after all this, the university has suspended the team, and these Buckeye vixens are awaiting the final decision. Beam me up, Mr. Speaker."
And since it's past 5pm in the Buckeye State, why not spend a few minutes listening to the Shatnerian version of Mr. Tambourine Man?
